There is no greater Sithmas tradition than singing Sithmas carols. Well, apart from killing Jedi. And eating so much roast Ewok you might literally explode. But after that definitely comes carolling. And the most sung because we force everyone to sing it beloved Sithmas carol of them all is "The 12 Days of Sithmas".
Below are the lyrics for all twelve days. Learn it for next Sithmas. Or else.
The 12 Days of Sithmas
On the first day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me a fully operational Death Star.
On the second day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me two twins a-kissin'.
On the third day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me three clueless clones.
On the fourth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me four cyborg limbs.
On the fifth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me five golden droids.
On the sixth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me six Star Destroyers.
On the seventh day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me seven troopers stormin'.
On the eighth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me eight Ewoks stewing.
On the ninth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me nine Admirals choking.
On the tenth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me ten TIE's a-fighting.
On the eleventh day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me eleven Jedi dying.
On the twelfth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me twelve sabers humming.
Sithmas is a magical time of year in the Galaxy far, far away. It's snowing outside, which is great for temporarily hiding/preserving bodies, and inside, families gather around a blazing hearth to exchange gifts, eat roast Ewok and pretend not to hate each other.
To celebrate the very murdery festive season, Death Star PR asks Twitter's, and the Galaxy's, leading Imperials to share their thoughts on Sithmas [Click their name to go to the Twitter feed. If you aren't following them all, you're wasting your life. Well, wasting it more.]
Who gives the best Sithmas gifts? One year, Lord Palpatine gave me a framed picture of Alderaan exploding. It was a nice sentiment and even though I threw him down that shaft; I sometimes miss him around the holidays. Another year, General Grievous gave me a Swedish massage. You haven’t relaxed until you’ve gotten a massage from a four handed Sith robot.
What is the true meaning of Sithmas? People usually say spending time with your family, but my relationship with my family is a little strained, so I’d say it’s more about getting out there and spreading the Sithmas spirit. I like to sing Sithmas carols. My favorite that always pleases my boss goes like this:
Here comes Sidious Here comes Sidious Right down Sidious lane. Lightsabers beaming, Jedi screaming Don’t stop us or put up a fight So follow your fear, the dark side is near Cause Darth is comin tonight!
How do you celebrate Sithmas? I like to decorate my apartment by hanging red and green lightsabers from all of the Jedi I’ve killed. I’ll usually have a plump holiday Ewok roasting in the oven that goes great with some mint jelly. Nothing says Sithmas like the thought of slain Jedi and the smell of roasted Ewok.
What's your secret Sithmas wish? That some evil regime, possibly Iran or North Korea, decides to build a giant moon-sized super weapon and wants to hire someone to run the operations up there. I have a lot of experience and they always say you learn more from failure than from success.
Sithmas Greetings Message: Thank you all for being so bad this year, we’ve been watching. We didn’t make a list or check it twice, but we’ve got probe droids, so we know where you live.
Well, it's not Tarkin. Let's just say he keeps forgetting that not all of us are into shaved Ewoks.
If Vader gives me one more framed photo of him and Padmé, I'm going to have to choke a bi... Oh wait, he already took care of that.
A little known fact about me is that I give gifts to all the children in the Empire. Drums, to be precise. The parents hates it.
What is the true meaning of Sithmas?
The true meaning of Sithmas is spending time with your family, by the Death Star view ports, watching a planet blow up. In fact, forget about the family.
How do you celebrate Sithmas?
Planet-sized fireworks are a tradition, of course. My favorite thing to do on Sithmas is waking up in the morning, sneaking downstairs and electrocuting Bantha Claus as he tries to fly down the Death Star Exhaust port.
Sithmas Message to all of your loyal subjects:
Be unto others as you would have been if you knew nobody would find out about it.
What's the true meaning of Sithmas?
The true meaning of this wonderful holiday is that it's better to take rather than to give. For example as you are reading this, I have been slowly removing your wallet from your back pocket.
How do you celebrate Sithmas?
It all starts with picking the best Endor tree from the forest and then properly removing the pesky Ewok habitat from it. Then I decorate it by hanging an array of blue, green, and purple lightsabers on the tree. These can easily be attained by killing a Jedi or just by telling them that a woman wants to talk to them. They will become so frightened that they drop their weapon and run out of there as fast as Ackbar at a sushi restaurant.
Then there are the obligations like the annual work party. It’s very dull though, the clones seem adamant on talking about the same topic over and over again. Just dreadful. I got lucky last year for presents though. You see, I drew Luke and Vader’s names from the hat and only needed to buy 1 pair of gloves to complete the gift. Anyways, there’s the free AT-AT rides for the kids, that’s always fun. This year, I had to attach a plow to the back to make a little more money since they said I couldn’t give Sithmas backrubs as bonuses for female officers.
Finally, it’s a tradition on Sithmas Eve to leave out Aloe Vera cookies and prune juice on the fireplace for Vader and the Emperor respectively.
What's your secret Sithmas wish?
An increase in Imperial Management Force chokes (the only proper way to move up the ladder in this company), Stormtroopers that can aim, and more women. I mean at this point I would just take dudes with long hair… what? Uhm… nevermind.
Sithmas Greetings Message:
Merry Sithmas Galactic Citizens…. Oh yeah, and death to the Rebel Alliance.
Grand Moff Tarkin of course!! He offered me another Star Destroyer this year but it's not like I'll ever need more than 4, right?
What is the true meaning of Sithmas?
Sithmas is a special time of year to help the Imperial economy by spending credits on a Vader bobble head or donating to the Death Star Fund, which helps to convert nonbelievers into understanding the true reason for the season by blowing up their planet.
Sithmas Greetings Message:
We are living in a galaxy where Sithmas exists to better our societies; we don't need Jedi to sort out our differences and mete out justice. This Sithmas we remember our citizens whose lives have been disrupted by the irrational acts of the Jedi. As your Chief of State I promise to not let these things go unpunished. This Sithmas we stand with you and your families and promise to make these rogues stand trial for their crimes. That is the true meaning of Sithmas and we will not rest until that meaning is fulfilled.
Ewoks. They're so cute, kind and giving. They also taste great with BBQ sauce and a side of fries, while their fur can be used for Snuggies blankets. Ewoks: the gift that keeps on giving!
How do you celebrate Sithmas?
Jabba has an annual Sithmas function on his sail barge where he "invites" those who have been naughty (haven't repaid or are behind in paying their financial loans to Jabba) to "enjoy" Sithmas with him. They then disembark the sail barge, where they re-enact the birth of The Emperor on a collapsible stage above the Sarlacc Pit. It's truly a touching tribute.
What's your secret Sithmas wish?
To include a sub-section clause which includes Ewoks in the Prime Directive of Order 66.
Sithmas Greetings Message:
Give to those who are less fortunate in life. Unless they're part of the Rebel Alliance. Then take down their details and give me a call.
The Jawas. They are the slaves of Bantha Claus building toys and droids for Sithlings across the galaxy from their factory on Hoth.
How do you celebrate Sithmas?
With lots of Ewok Nog and our favourite carols: "We Wish you a Merry Sithmas", "Frosty the Snow Wampa", "Joy To The Empire", "Sith Rest Ye Merry Stormtroopers", and "Darth Maul The Red-Faced Sith Lord."
Sithmas Greetings Message:
Bantha Claus is going to be putting lots of coal in your stocking this year, but only after you were sent to the Spice Mines of Kessel to dig it up yourself.
And, finally, from us here at Death Star PR: "HAVE A VERY MURDERY SITHMAS, EVERYONE!'
No doubt you'll be surprised to hear this but ... Darth Vader gets some bad press. Maybe it's the imposing cyborg armour or the lack of witty banter when addressing subordinates in the tea room during lunch break. Some might even suggest that it's the liberal use of his lightsaber for employee terminations, or the ability to choke someone to death with the power of his mind. [It seems like you can hardly kill anyone these days without someone getting worked up about it.]
Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas. For centuries, they have told children stories of this magical, bearded, sleigh-driving fat man who delivers presents to good children while they sleep. He is a legend, an icon, but what do we really know about Santa?
Some facts are indisputable: He lives in an undisclosed location in the North Pole, he has a penchant for wearing red, and he eats cookies. So far, so innocent. Or so they want us to believe.
They gloss over some of the finer details, though, avoiding the deeply disturbing aspects of the official Santa Claus story. Details so chilling that once you have read them, you may never be able to sleep on Christmas Eve, or any other night, ever again.
Submitted for your consideration: "He knows if you've been sleeping, he knows if you're awake", i.e. he knows what EVERYONE is doing, ALL THE TIME, which means he is the world's most successful peeping Tom. How does he do this? They say magic. We say high-tech surveillance equipment, God complex and a pathological disregard for people's privacy.
"He knows if you've been bad or good... so be good. For goodness sake!" Sure, Santa gives toys to the kids he likes. But he also gives coal to the people he arbitrarily decides have been naughty. This is, no matter how you slice it, a dick move. They're just kids, dickwad.
While everyone is asleep, he breaks in to Every. Single. House. On. Earth. Not content with violating your personal space once, he does it annually. That is a whole lot of break and enter charges.
[Note: he always makes sure you're asleep before he visits. This makes it even creepier and more stalkerish.]
They say sleigh driver. We say slave driver. It may be cold in the North Pole, but not for the elves in Santa's toy sweatshop, who are compelled by Santa's dark magicks to work 24 hours a day all year round. That's right, children. The elves do not get paid. The elves do not get workplace collective bargaining agreements and OH&S reviews. The elves do not even get breaks. Except for the breaks in their tiny little bones Santa gives them if they don't meet their toy quotas. The elves are very, very sad.
Santa Claus may love children, but he hates animals. Specifically, he hates flying reindeer most of all. He makes his team of nine reindeer pull a sleigh carrying enough presents FOR EVERY CHILD ON EARTH. Who knows how much something like that would weigh? They have to pull this sleigh ALL OVER THE WORLD. IN ONE NIGHT. IN WINTER. If there has ever been a sadder, more horrifying case of animal cruelty, we haven't heard of it.
Finally, he is indirectly responsible for the "Santa Clause" film series, which we think you will agree, is indictment enough by itself.
So now you know the truth. And the truth is, Santa Claus is evil.
Christmas is a time when people remember that 2,000 years ago a mystical invisible old bearded guy living in the sky knocked up some lady with a magic baby in order to save mankind because a few thousand years before that an evil talking snake made some other lady eat an apple, which she wasn't allowed to eat for some reason even though it was in her garden.
Sadly, the true meaning of whatever that probably touching and definitely 100% factual story was about has been lost to us. Now Christmas is a time when people spend more money than they have buying presents for people they don't really know in the hope of pacifying them into going a day without making a racist/judgmental/ignorant comment that will inevitably lead to the outbreak of World War III.
Of course, there's another option besides gifts for silencing annoying people: murder. Without further ado, here are the TEN totally justifiable reasons to kill someone this Christmas:
10. Being stuck on a queue for an hour and a half just to buy ONE THING. 9. Finding out they just sold out of the one present you hoped would fill the void in your child's life left by your failures as a parent. 8. The fact that that no one, anywhere, is exhibiting anything even vaguely approximating "Holiday cheer". 7. Realising that all of your beloved childhood Christmas specials are nothing more than thinly-disguised product placement. 6. Being condescendingly asked by that relative you hardly know but know you hate why you haven't changed jobs/got a boyfriend/made something of your life yet... even though they haven't done any of those things themself. 5. Because that "elf" at the shopping centre had to be put down for it's own overly-psychotically-happy good. 4. Getting absolutely none of the presents you wanted. Or asked for. For the fifth year in a row. 3. Seeing the Christmas decorations go up at the local shopping centre. In September. 2. Hearing "Jingle Bells Rock" for the 472nd time.
1. Being kept awake FOR 17 STRAIGHT NIGHTS by the INCESSANT flashing of your STUPID OVERLY KEEN next door neighbour's Christmas lights.
Twitter's Lord Voldemort: You know him as You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and the Dark Lord, but we like to think of him as “He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Blamed”; wizard of unparalleled magical ability, visionary, snake charmer, and conqueror of death itself. But what is the man behind the wand really like? Death Star PR talks exclusively to the enigma wrapped in a mystery inside a box of secrets protected by a plethora of killing curses.
DSPR: You’ve come back from the dead (kudos) with a brand new, more streamlined, less nose-y look. Why the bold fashion statement?
LV: Well, as you know, Hollywood has a bit of a habit of bringing celebrities whose careers are dead back to life. I knew I needed a similar comeback. I tried shaving my head like Britney, but that didn’t work. I donned some crazy, drape like ensemble ala Gaga. Nothing. I was telling a whiny servant to stop being so damn nosey when all of a sudden it hit me.
DSPR: You have well over 400,000 Twitter followers now. Why do you think so many people love your off-the-cuff social commentary? LV: Well, I like to think I have a rapport with my followers. My Twitter gives them access into, no pun intended, my chamber of secrets. Every one of my tweets is for them and is a window into my soul. Not literally, of course. It allows a one-on-one connection which is perfect for reminding them that I will crucio them into the next decade if they dare unfollow. Also, the ladies love a smooth talking badass with a, quite literally, killer tat.
DSPR: You’ve had a long, successful career in both the magic and entertainment industries, everyone knows your name (even if they’re too afraid to say it), and you have many insane…ly loyal followers. To what do you ascribe your great success? LV: I guess you can say I’ve always had a way with tongues. I speak, people listen. Mainly because if they don’t I’d Avada Kedavra their asses faster than you could say ‘Edward Cullen was a Hufflepuff’. I also like to think of myself as the people’s malevolent dictator. I remember when I was living inside Quirrell’s head we got up to some fun hijinks. Business in the front, party in the back. That’s how I like to live my life. So what if those parties include general slaughter? You only live once. Unless you’re me, of course.
DSPR: Some people aren’t entirely convinced that you’re doing the world a favour by ridding it of all the Muggles. Are you? LV: Who are these people? I want names! You know... to, uh, “gently and quietly” persuade them to see my line of thought. Cough. Yeah, uh. That’s it.
DSPR: There must be some great perks to being a wizard.What’s the best thing about being able to do magic? LV: There’s only one way to describe magic and that’s: fanfuckingtastic. The other day I walked by some chick, magicked her skirt right up. That’s invigorating. I also enjoy the simple joys of turning off people’s alarm clocks and hiding only one of their socks. Plus I can fly. I. Can. Fly.
DSPR: The media has unfairly painted you as the “bad guy” for trying to kill Harry Potter. What’s the truth about Harry? LV: I’m glad you asked this question. Just because I attacked a baby and violently slaughtered thousands, people seem to think I’m a bad guy. Listen muggles, there were probably tax collectors, phone solicitors and government officials somewhere in that hoard. Did you even think about that? No. Of course not; because you can’t see the bigger picture. As far as Harry goes, he’s a drama queen. Plain and simple. “Boo Hoo. Voldemort’s out to get me”. You know what his real issue was? He wanted more screen time and knew that I was taking away his spotlight with my natural charisma. It’s sad how some people let fame go to their head. One little incident, a BARELY noticeable scar and suddenly you’re a “muderder” and “evil”. I’m not even convinced I gave him the scar. I suspect the Potter’s simply were looking for a large cash settlement from a hard working individual. Tragic, really.
DSPR: Your ex-biographer, J.K. Rowling, has described you as a “raging psychopath, devoid of the normal responses to human suffering”. How do you respond to the haters? LV: Oh, Rowling. She got her knickers in a twist after I turned down her advances. Listen, there are some ladies who talk to your snake and some who don’t if you know what I’m saying. After I rebuffed her things got cold. Suddenly I was the “crazy” one. Well, I’ve got 27 mysterious hang-up calls in a night and a very dodgy encounter in a restaurant bathroom to suggest otherwise. I mean; do I enjoy the pain and suffering of others? Sure. But honestly, who doesn’t? I don’t think wishing humanity’s downfall makes someone a psychopath. If anything, I’m an idealist.
DSPR: Teenagers always seem to be sticking their snotty noses in other people’s business and foiling carefully thought out plans for world domination. Do you have a message for the kids of today? LV: Kids today need to learn to respect their elders. Be it of the wand variety or similar. They’re so preoccupied with their technology and meddling into other people’s lives in every way possible that they forget the simple fact that I could kick their whiny asses into the next century. With or without my wand. I’m very glad that I was never a teenager. I skipped right from birth to adult. You can do that when you achieve certain levels of evil.
DSPR: Everyone knows who you are but nobody knows about you. Describe the real You-Know-Who. LV: What people don’t understand is that I do have a life apart from Potter. In fact, I have six. Or seven. I get a little hazy on the details. Anyway, I like collecting fine antiques & finding, um, creative uses for them. I used to advertise myself as a snake charmer before my number got put into some unsavoury ‘looking for’ ads and I’ve shied away from that.
DSPR: How do you unwind after a long day of killing people and making them fear for their lives for their own good? LV: I’m a simple guy. I like to curl up with a nice glass of unicorn blood, a good spell book, my snake and plot out my next site of doom. People seem to think that I’m always angry, quite the contrary. Nothing brings me more joy than plotting mayhem and destruction. It is through chaos that we find order. I’m just the guy who brings that chaos.
DSPR: Finally, what does the future have in store for Lord Voldemort? LV: Once I get my hands on that damn prophecy I’ll let you know. Only joking. I think you can expect a lot of sarcasm, my upcoming tell-all “Harry Potter: Putting the Horr-ible into Horcrux” and the desecration of all things sparkly in the near future.
DSPR: Lord Voldemort, it’s been a pleasure and an honour to survive a conversation with you. From the bottom of our black hearts, thank you for your time.
The Empire is a vast, galaxy-spanning political organisation with untold resources and power.
The Empire's PR team, on the other hand, consists of three people working in a small office without any windows and only a mid-range coffee machine. You read that right, people, we said mid-range. It's like working in a hut in the Dark Ages.
But you can help. How? Take pity on us, as we would under no circumstances take pity on you. Buy our stuff.
Legendary director of 'The Empire Strikes Back', Irvin Kershner, died at home after a long illness, aged 87.
'The Empire Strikes Back' is a film rich with vivid and interesting characters, scintillating action, beautifully crafted dialogue, classic themes and one of the greatest twist endings of all time. It will stand the test of time as a film to be loved, watched and emulated for years to come.
Irvin, without you, the Empire never would have struck back.
Thank you for one of the greatest films of all time. The Force will be with you, always.
On Friday, a Swedish appeals court upheld a ruling against The Pirate Bay's founders, ensuring that they are going to jail for starting the file sharing network.
Meanwhile, the good folks who make guns and cigarettes eat caviar in their yachts. Because helping people steal music and free-to-air TV shows is a lot worse than helping people kill people.
Not to mention the CEO's (ir)responsible for companies that allow millions of litres of oil to spill into the ocean, or the ones whose greed or negligence created a Global Financial Crisis. After all, those were victimless crimes in that they only affected the environment and poor people.
Our verdict: Earth's legal system is working as intended. Walk the plank, ye scurvy pirate dogs! Yarrrr!
Before we announce the winners of this week's competition, we'd just like to take this opportunity to say that everyone who participated is a winner*, because making fun of Rebel losers is what winners do.
Most devastating insults and the winner of Nerdoh's 'Mos Eisley' t-shirt after the jump.
*But not a winner in the classically literal, some would argue more "actual" sense, because obviously this is a competition run by a ruthlessly evil Galactic Empire, which means we already gave out most of the prize t-shirts to our buddies so we only have one left to give away.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of our American future targets friends from all of us here at Death Star PR.
Remember, there's only one rule on Turkey Day:
Don't stop eating until all of the turkeys are dead, lest they stage a turkey uprising and take their bloody turkey revenge on their voracious human overlords.
We believe on your world it's customary to give thanks and after looking up the word, we can dishonestly say we're thankful for:
Being alive. When your bosses are Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine and you're just a humble, completely replaceable PR lackey, every extra day is a gift.
Being loved. It's an indescribable feeling to know that you're loved by every single being in the Galaxy. Well, loved/feared/reviled.
Science. Without science we wouldn't have Death Stars to blow up evil planets, television to subliminally manipulate and rot the brains of entertain and inform the masses, or Apple, who gave us a great deal on iPhones.
Magic. Without magic, we wouldn't have be able to Force choke people with the power of our minds. Which is funny, and a useful way to end boring conversations.
Stupid people. To laugh at. And the internet, for constantly bringing those people to our attention.
What are you thankful to the Galactic Empire for? Tell us in the comments below.
Earlier this week, Carrie Goldman wrote an article for Chicago Now, about her daughter, Katie, a year One student, being bullied for bringing a Star Wars water bottle to school.
From the original article:
She wailed, "The first grade boys are teasing me at lunch because I have a Star Wars water bottle. They say it's only for boys. Every day they make fun of me for drinking out of it. I want them to stop, so I'll just bring a pink water bottle."
I hugged her hard and felt my heart sink. Such a tender young age, and already she is embarrassed about the water bottle that brought her so much excitement and joy a few months ago.
The awesome (and unfortunately not evil enough) Bonnie Burton wrote a piece for StarWars.com expanding on the idea behind the original article, arguing that Star Wars is for fans of all ages, shapes and sizes, and urging Star Wars fans everywhere to show their support for Katie by leaving a positive message for her under the Twitter hashtag #MayTheForceBeWithKatie.
All of this sounds pretty reasonable so far and frankly, we're a bit offended. You can't have a conversation about bullying without speaking to us, the experts. After all, school yard bullies might terrorise a few students but we terrorise an entire galaxy.
Take it from us: bullying is a gateway evil. It's a little thing, so easily dismissed, usually because it starts with kids. "Ignore it and it'll go away" is the most common advice given to kids being bullied. But the truth is, sometimes ignoring it just allows it to grow and become worse. It teaches people like us from a young age that we can push other people around and get away with it.
It's easy to blame parents for the problem, or even teachers, but the truth is it's everyone's responsibility to put a stop to bullying in all of it's forms. Adults (parent, teacher or otherwise) need to do more than just talk to kids about why bullying is just for jerks like us; they need to model positive behaviour. If young kids see you get angry at people, intimidate them, or even just boss people around, you're teaching them it's okay to turn to the Dark Side. Show them instead to be kind, patient and proud of who they are as individuals. It's that kind of person that scares us bad guys the most.
Kids, if you read this, as much as it hurts us to admit this, you can help stop bullying and fight the Dark Side too. The easiest way to do that is to be proud of who you are. Don't be afraid to bring your Star Wars water bottle or Barbie lunchbox or genuine Ewok fur schoolbag to school with you. Guaranteed there will be at least one other kid on the playground wanting to talk to you about it.
And if you do happen to get teased, try to remember the truth is that they're probably just jealous, or angry about things that happened before they got to school, or even just a little bit scared to be different themselves.
It's hard to be different, to be an individual whose beliefs, interests or even just clothing, set you apart from those around you. In fact, we have laws against that sort of thing here. But usually when something is hard, it's also what's right.
Bullying is for jerks like us. You don't want to be like us, do you?
Our finest tacticians believe we can wipe the Rebel Alliance out with one final, devestating blow.
We need to hit them where we're reliably informed it hurts the most: the heart. We're not actually sure what that is, but by all accounts it's what the Rebels use instead of a cybernetic blood pump powering a chest respirator. Weird.
To win, give us your best Twitter-style insult for the Rebel scum of your choice in the comments below. Be clever, be evil, be purile - the choice is yours. 140 characters per insult (Rebel's name not included). Maximum FIVE zingers per person, e.g.
@ObiWanKenobi is a creepy old space hobo who lives in a cave, does "magic" tricks and "watches over" young boys. Don't take candy from him!
The single most demoralising insult wins this awesome shirt from Nerdoh:
The Death Star PR team has been hard at work this week, organising a cake raffle to raise funding for a new photocopier after the last one mysteriously smashed itself into thousands of pieces with a fire axe, then set itself on fire, then fired its own charred remains into the cold vacuum of space.
Anyway. We've finally found the time to announce the winner of our very first competition: "How would you take over the world?" (and a fantastic 'Mos Eisley Cantina' t-shirt by Nerdoh)
Plans ranged from the disturbingly well-planned to the plain disturbing and seemed to involve a lot more Justin Bieber than we could ever have imagined. Plans we intend to set into operation on countless worlds over the coming months liked the best for our completely harmless and just for fun competition after the jump: