Star Wars A Neil Patrick Hope: An Open Letter to Neil Patrick Harris

Dear Neil Patrick Harris,

We're just going to come straight out and say it. We like you. Just enough for you to be flattered by the fact that we think you're cool and maybe want to grab dinner and a movie with us sometime, so we have things to talk but only for a finite period of time in case it doesn't go well, but not enough to be creepy. Okay, no. You know what? We could never lie to you, NPH. You deserve better than that. We like you like Jabba the Hutt loves slave girls and dropping people in Rancor pits, which is to say, a lot, probably. We're never sure what he's talking about. Not like you, NPH. You're so ridiculously talented, what with your singing and acting and dancing and what not, you probably speak Huttese and a minimum of 47 other alien languages. We love that about you.

Of course, we appreciate that you're so much more than just a living compendium of knowledge on alien languages. You're also a consummate entertainer and a master magician (without even using the Force, too! Wow. Your versatility continually blows us away, NPH!) and probably the universe's second best dad, right after Darth Vader.

"Get to the point, evil PR Team!" we imagine we hear you say. Fair point, Neil. That's another thing we love about you in our imaginary conversations. You always cut to the very heart of the matter, like a conversation doctor with a fetish for cardiothoracic surgery. "That's no nonsense Neil for you." That's what we always say for the first time just now. Anyway, the point being:

We need a star for the Death Star. A celebrity spokesperson to help spread Death Star PR, and the Galactic Empire's, message of love, peace, tolerance, and blowing up other people's planets if they don't agree with us. And we want it to be you. Join us and together we can rule the galaxy as PR Team and Son.

"But why should I help the Galactic Empire?" we imagine we hear you ask. Great imaginary question, NPH. You're like the Olympic Gold Medallist of Astute Imaginary Question Asking, except better, because you'd never make a huge deal about being such an amazing imaginary question asker. No sir. That's not the Neil Patrick Harris way. If we know Neil Patrick Harris, which we don't, he isn't about boasting, he's about fashionable scarfs and hosting the CRAP out of awards ceremonies.

To answer your question that you didn't ask, there are a whole bunch of reasons why you should, nay, MUST help us, NPH. You are going to be absolutely flabbergasted by how much you have in common with an evil galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime. Flabbergasted!

 
Firstly, you were a boy genius doctor, which can only mean one thing: you must have an incredibly high Midi-chlorian count, just like Darth Vader. Except instead of using your amazing Force powers to win the Boonta Eve Classic pod race (which you undoubtedly could have done, be tee dubs - we believe in you, NPH!), you chose to use your godlike powers to help the sick and slowly type pithy moral codas in to your computerised diary. And if you think about it, aren't they the same thing, really?

Secondly, you and Darth Vader both love to use the catchphrase, "SUIT UP!" Did you know that, NPH? You probably did, on account of you being a precocious child genius and Hollywood megastar. The only slight difference between Vader and yourself being that you're typically referring to a slim-fitted two-button purple pinstripe Prada suit, whilst the boss is snuggling into a heavily armoured 120kg black durasteel mobile life-support suit. Wow! Talk about being two peas in a pod made entirely of incredibly fashionable suits, NPH!

Of course, it almost goes without saying that you've had plenty of experience actually being an evil mastermind yourself during your time as Dr. Horrible. Probably we would have preferred a little more building of giant doomsday devices and fractionally less singing and accidental murdering of the always delightful Felicia Day, but hey, to each his own. Who's to say whether musicals or destroying planets is truly more evil, right NPH? What? No, of COURSE it's musicals, have you even seen GLE-- never mind. Agree to disagree on that one, Neil Patrick Harris.

Finally, your recent work in The Smurfs showed the universe that you aren't above working for the occasional soul-destroying, mostly computer generated, toy merchandise-driven evil regime. Admittedly the Smurfs haven't attempted to murder any Jedi Knights yet, or take over the galaxy through a series of carefully orchestrated space, or "Star" wars, but you can tell just by looking into their murderous eyes that it's only a matter of time. Seriously, what are they hiding underneath those hats, Neil Patrick Harris? WHAT ARE THEY HIDING UNDER THE HATS?!

Plus, if it helps you feel at home, we even have a blue guy working for us! Okay, unfortunately he's somewhere in the Unknown Regions right now, BUT you can at least call Emperor Palpatine "Papa"! He loves it. Errr... you're not particularly lightning conductive are you, NPH? Oh, and PS Neil Patrick Harris, don't let anybody tell you that you weren't great in that movie. It was, as always, a NPH acting tour de Force!

So what do you need to do, NPH? It's simple. Retweet this letter. Share it with your friends and loved ones. Put it under your pillow at night and dream little Death Star dreams. Talk to your bigtime Hollywood movie friends about how we can make a fair and balanced new version of the Star Wars films starring you in the role you were born to play: all of them. Oh, and maybe put in a good word to Cobie Smulders for us. Do you think she's into evil totalitarian regimes that build 160km in diameter monolithic death cannons? And for Force sake, tell Ted to get his act together and get to the bit about actually meeting the mother, dammit.

In return, we'll pay you $20 million Galactic Credits (Currency may not be a form of legal tender in your galaxy), you'll bask in the glory and adoration of being the galaxy's most popular celebrity spokesperson, feel the  glow of self-satisfaction and inner peace that comes from helping an evil Empire in need,. and we'll save a spot on the Death Star for when we finally get around to destroying your planet.

Help us, NPH. You're our only Neil Patrick Hope.

Yours hopefully,
The Death Star PR Team.

PS. We made you this poster as a token of our appreciation. Feel free to put it up in your room or have it turned into a giant back tattoo, whichever is easiest.

Why not read some of our other patented open letters to TIME Magazine, Google, beloved Academy Award winning Hollywood Actress Natalie Portman and the Pentagon?

Terrible News: Emperor Palpatine Will NOT be running for President

Until Sarah Palin's announcement that she wasn't running for President, we weren't aware that it's customary on your planet to announce when you WON'T be running for a position, rather than when you WILL. Quick to remedy the mistake, the PR Team can now pass on the terrible news: Emperor Palpatine will NOT be running for President of the United States.

He made the announcement in a letter to supporters on Monday night that was obtained by the PR Team, which is reproduced in full for you here.

October 11, 2011
The Death Star, Galactic Empire

 
After much consultation with the Dark Side of the Force and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, ruling a merciless Galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime in a Galaxy far, far away, as well as spending time playing Jenga with my apprentice, come first and obviously Darth Vader and I put great consideration into our public duties and our bromantic but completely heterosexual personal lives before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to the Dark Side, wiping out the families of those who oppose us and galaxy. My decision maintains this order.

My decision is based upon a review of what common sense Conservatives and Independents have accomplished, especially over the last year, such as continually blocking desperately needed tax hikes on the super wealthy, thereby ensuring people turn to the Dark Side in droves. I believe that at this time I can be more effective in manipulating the Dark Side of the Force to cloud the judgement of the weak minded in order to help elect other "true" public servants to office – from the nation’s governors to Congressional seats and the Presidency.

We need to continue to actively and aggressively help those who will stop the “fundamental transformation” of your nation into one in which all people are treated equally, because then we'd have to tax everyone equally, which is completely unfair on rich people, and even allow gay people to get married and shop in the same shoe stores as us. Instead, we must support those who seek the restoration of your greatness at the expense of others, your supposed goodness and your constitutional republic based on the rule of law. Because as we know, that worked out really well for the Galactic Senate.

From the bottom of my blackened, shrivelled heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, and encouraged me to run for President. Know that by working together you can bring America back – and as I’ve always said, one doesn’t need a title to help do it (though "Emperor" does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?). You just need an army of Clones, half-crazed magical cyborg right hand man and a moon-sized space station with a planet-destroying superlaser. (Read about building a Death Star for America here.)

I will continue driving the discussion for the dismantling of your freedom and the manipulation of free markets to suit the wealthy, including in the race for President where our candidates must embrace immediate action toward energy independence through domestic resource developments of conventional energy sources, along with renewables. We must reduce tax burdens (because it's hilarious watching poor people suffer) and onerous regulations that prevent you from killing inefficient co-workers in American industry, and our candidates must always push to minimize government to strengthen the economy and allow the private sector to create jobs. This is so as to ensure that when your economy is completely broken, I can take over your country, and then your world, with a minimum of resistance.

Those will be our priorities so Americans can be confident that a smaller, smarter government (of one, run entirely and ruthlessly by me) that is truly oppressing the people, by the cloned and cyborg people, and for the incredibly rich, evil people can better serve this most exceptional man me nation.

In the coming weeks I will use my evil magical powers to help coordinate strategies to assist in replacing the President, re-taking the Senate with the help of an incredibly convoluted plan involving space taxation, ineffective planetary blockades and Jar Jar Binks for some reason, and maintaining the House. Because that is a great show and it's funny how he's always a dick to everyone. I can respect that.

Thank you again for all your support. Let’s unite to restore this country to what I think it should be! 

Force bless America. Sorry, I meant to say, "With me as your Emperor, America will be completely Forced".

– Emperor Palpatine

Still not convinced?

Read about why the Dark Side is just plain better.
Here are 10 Reasons Why You Should Work for the Galactic Empire.
Take the time to get to know Palpatine better with our exclusive interview with Twitter's @LordPalpatine.

This Floppy Drive Knows the POWER of the Dark Side

The Imperial March, played on two Floppy Drives.
In a word: Impressive. MOST impressive.

Thanks to the many Sithizens who directed us to it.

An Open Letter to The Pentagon Re: The Death Star

Dear The Pentagon,

In the September-October issue of your in-house acquisition magazine, Defense AT&L, in an article entitled "Don't Come to the Dark Side: Acquisition Lessons From A Galaxy Far, Far Away", Air Force Lt. Col. Dan Ward took the time to explain why building Death Stars is a "bad idea".

You know what else is a bad idea, Lt. Dan? Having the same name as that guy with no legs from Forrest Gump. And getting the people who own the largest laser in the universe angry at you. Prepare to witness the firepower of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL letter of rebuttal.

In your introductory paragraph you said that, "any enormous project that is brain-meltingly complex, ravenously consumes resources, and aims to deliver an Undefeatable Ultimate Weapon is [...] not a good thing." Isn't it, The Pentathlon? Isn't it? What's so complex about a 160km-across superlaser powered by a gigantic hypermatter reactor and equipped with 123 hyperdrive field generators tied into a navigational field matrix? Maybe we should have just built a giant outerspace slingshot instead. Would that have been simple enough for you, the Pentathlon? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a forked stick and rubber band that big? No, of course you don't. What a ridiculous suggestion.

And yes, you're right, the Death Star does ravenously consume resources. But only the resources of incredibly evil planets where they weren't really doing anything good with them anyway. It's an absolute TRAVESTY how many planets are out there just floating in space, totally utopian and idyllic and untouched by the hand of progress/strip mining and deforestation. You know what? Not on our watch. We say progress for EVERYBODY! Because we care. Not like you. How many countries have YOU "helped"/ruthlessly invaded in order to steal their natural resources for yourselves. Hardly ANY. Amateur.

Next you brought up the Death Star's "operational shortcomings" and, surprise, surprise, the whole "critical vulnerability" in our unprotected exhaust port. Well excuuuuse us, Mr. Perfectagon. Does it offend your precious sensibilities that we have one teensy little flaw? Maybe if you bothered to look a little closer, you'd see that we've got a lot of great things going on too, like our cantina's famous Penne Arrabiata. Didn't Mrs. Perfectagon ever teach you not to judge a monolithic death laser by its ominous gunmetal grey cover? It sure sounds to us like SOMEBODY had a pretty tough time as a baby Pentagon. You probably didn't even get to do fun stuff like play video games or eat chocolate because you're a building and don't have hands, or taste buds.

Anyway, like YOU'RE so amazing. We took a look at some of YOUR operational shortcomings, Mr. Perfectagon. We even made it into a LIST to make it really simple for you. You:

1. Are made of bricks. Nice impenetrable defensive system!
2. Don't have any shield generators on nearby forest moons.
3. Can't reach lightspeed.
4. Can't even FLY AT ALL. LAME.
5. House no planet destroying superlasers, or even a single turbolaser battery.
6. Can't disguise yourself as a small moon.

Checkmate, the Pentagram. Death Star 1 Pentameter 0. Except you didn't even know you were playing the game, which makes it DOUBLE SPACE CHECKMATE. Death Star 4 Pentacle -7.

You go on to mention that the Death Star only fired its main weapon once as if that's some kind of a bad thing. Do you know what that means, The Octagon? It means the Death Star has hit absolutely everything it's fired at. That's a 100% accuracy rate, my feckless five-sided friend. That's better than any weapon YOU'VE ever invented, planet destroying or otherwise. In fact, that probably makes it the greatest weapon ever created in the history of everything. Ever. Not to mention the fact that a VAST majority of other evil supergenius' doomsday weapons never even get to fire at all, which makes us WAY ahead of the curve.

Then there's the whole suggesting that Darth Vader is a "bad" project manager because he's "evil" and a "murderous tyrant who demanded obedience". Wow, The Pentathlete. Really? Darth Vader isn't "evil", he's a Sith Lord. It's part of his RELIGIOUS BELIEFS to Force choke the occasional a-hole. Haven't you ever heard of freedom of religion? Probably not because you're a BUILDING. Also, you can't be a "murderer" if the murderees really deserved it. It's called Self-Defence From Extreme Stupidity and Incompetence. It's a complex legal thing that you probably wouldn't understand.

Finally, the Pentagon, we take issue with your suggestion that Astromech droids like R2-D2 are a "better" investment than the Death Star because building a moon-sized death laser is "unaffordable" and "impractical". Really? If Death Stars are SO unaffordable, then how come we built TWO? And the second one was EVEN BIGGER AND COOLER AND TOTALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE BECAUSE IT HAS A SHIELD NOW. BOOM! We just Alderaaned your mind, didn't we, the Pentahlon?

Did you even see R2-D2 in that swamp on Dagobah? He was as useless as pants on a Wookiee. And Artoo might have somehow lucked his way through many Star Wars, but did you ever stop to notice how many other Astromech droids get totally blown to pieces in every second scene? BANTHALOADS.

Are you trying to tell us that, given the choice, you'd REALLY rather have a few R2-D2's than your very own Death Star hovering up in the night sky, ready to shine the Green Light of Justice and Freedom/Planetary Destruction down on your enemies?

We didn't think so, the Pentagon, we didn't think so.

Yours Sithcerely,

The Galactic Empire.



Source: Wired.com.

At least we're not as bad as Apple

This might surprise you Sithizens, but the Galactic Empire has a bit of a bad reputation in some parts of the universe. Apparently some people think it's "evil" to oppress an entire galaxy for its own good, or have your Stormtroopers set fire to people's homes and/or the people themselves because they refused to obey the law and sell out their only child, even though he's adopted.

Well, if streamlining people's political choices or using unorthodox but effective methods to expedite police inquiries is wrong, then we don't want to be right. Next you'll be saying that Darth Vader didn't bring balance to the Force by lightsabering the Jedi in the back, or that building a moon-sized doomsday laser isn't the best way to make people feel safe and help them sleep at night.

Right. And we guess people want "equal rights" and "freedom" and "not to have their children forced into slavery to build apocalyptic death weapons"? Pshaw! We laugh maniacally in your general direction! Ahahaha! HAHA! MWAHAhahaHAHAHA!

Anyway, what were we saying? Stupid required by evil law monologues. Ah, yes. Apple. We've told you already that Steve Jobs is building the Galappletic iMpire. What we didn't know then is that he's already several steps ahead of us in evil stakes. You see, Jobs isn't content with blowing up a planet or two. Recently, Apple deleted an entire galaxy.

Here's proof:

The BASTARDS.

According to Tom's Guide, one of several new wallpapers in Mac OS 10.7 Lion features an extremely altered image of the Andromeda Galaxy, in which the M110 Galaxy is completely gone (original and Apple version above).

So next time you're thinking of accusing the Galactic Empire of being "evil", concentrate on fighting TRUE EVIL instead: take your iPhone and go and throw it at an Apple Store instead.

Thanks to Sith Lord Steve Higgins for the tip.

10 Reasons Why the Dark Side is Just Plain Better

Some people would have you believe that the Dark Side is "evil", just because you have to murder the occasional person or blow up a planet or two. But really, what's so good about being good? Here are ten reasons why turning to the Dark Side is just plain better.

10. Great Benefits

Forget stuffy suits and striped ties. On the Dark Side, you can wear a cape to work! You'll also get your choice of oversized helmet and form-fitting durasteel battle armour, all in a wide variety of flattering shades of black. Plus, as a Sith Apprentice you get to work one-on-one in a collaborative team-oriented environment with a highly experienced and enthusiastic industry expert. And when it comes to taking care of yourself, well, how many other jobs offer total cyborg limb replacement and full body cloning as part of their health benefits scheme?

9. Better theme music

Seriously, do you want the theme music of your life to sound like this:

Or this:

The first says, "I stare at binary sunsets whilst weeping over my family problems and/or the fact that I've never touched a girl's boobs and/or unspecified moisture farm-related problems." The second says, "I'm such a massive badass that I have severe asthma, no legs, arms, or private parts to speak of and I'm STILL the most feared person in the entire galaxy."

8. Choose your own name

Who wants to be called Albert, or Pauline, or even... *shudder* Luke? Once you turn to the Dark Side you can choose your own awesome fear-inspiringly-evil-yet-incredibly-literally-summing-up-your-modus-operandi evil name, e.g. Darth Ba'dazz, Darth Vill-I-An, or Darth Murd-r Err. See? COOL.

7. "Good is dumb"

Spaceballs' Dark Helmet summed it up best when he said, "Evil will always triumph because good is dumb." Good is dumb. Name one good guy who ever invented an amazing moon-sized doomsday weapon or who had the intellect and determination required to take over a galaxy. Or name one bad guy who accidentally made out with his sister. You can't. Still not convinced? In the time it took the entirety of the Jedi Council to not at all figure out that Palpatine was a Sith Lord, EVEN WHEN THEY WERE IN THE SAME ROOM, Palpatine orchestrated an entire series of star wars, created 60,000 clones, manipulated an entire galaxy into legally declaring him ruler, turned the most powerful Jedi ever into his apprentice, organised for the rest of the Jedi to be killed, built a Death Star and still had time to create reality TV and send it to Earth.

6. Make your own rules

Is it just us, or did the Jedi have rules for everything? "Don't fall in love." "Never be afraid of anything." "Don't kill people, even if they can't tell the difference between "your" and "you're"." "Don't feed Yoda after midnight." They were so busy making up rules that they forgot Rule Number #1: When you have a lightsaber and magic super powers, THERE ARE NO RULES (Except "Point Lightsaber away from body before activating". That's actually a pretty good one, particularly if you value your genitals/limbs.)

5. Live forever

We know what you're thinking: "But the bad guy always dies in some horrific way at the hands of the murderous orphaned magical prophecy child!" WRONG. Don't you know anything about MATHS, stupid hypothetical straw man? Check it:

Sith Lord deaths in Star Wars Episodes I - VI: 4

Jedi Knight deaths in Star Wars Episodes I - VI: 87, 641.

That means the odds of you dying once you become a Sith Lord are 27,910:1. And that's not even taking into account the assorted clones, robot bodies and malevolent floating ghost consciousnesses you'll have lined up on the off chance that you actually DO get dismembered or thrown down a reactor shaft (unlikely).

4. Force choke annoying co-workers

We don't really need to go into detail on this one, do we? Just think about it for a moment. Consider how much more enjoyable this would make your average work day. Best. Job Perk. EVER.

3. Make out with Natalie Portman

If we know one thing about science it's that ladies love a bad boy. Nobody wants to date a guy named Roger who shows up at your door with flowers wearing his best polo shirt and wants to take you out to a moderately priced Italian restaurant for dinner. Really, Roger? Really?! That's the most exciting thing you could come up with? Just give up, Roger. Nobody likes you anyway, certainly not beloved Hollywood Academy Award Winning Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman wants to go out with a brooding bad boy who dresses in black, rides a landspeeder, has cool scars, eyes that glow with hatred and a cyborg hand, who may or may not go mental dismembering Sand People if given half a chance. FACT.

2. Evil superior, good inferior

There's literally nothing good that's better than its evil version. Not one single thing. Does anybody ever want an apple for dessert when they could be having a triple-decker chocolate sundae? Is diet soft drink (shudder) ever better than the real deal? Would you ever date the good twin when you had the option of the sexily evil, moustached twin with a horrible foreign accent? Of course you wouldn't. Face it, every single one of us chooses evil over good every single day of our lives. Why? Because it's easier, tastier, more fun AND more exciting. Plus we have cookies.

1. You get to SHOOT LIGHTNING FROM YOUR HANDS

From. Your. Fucking. Hands.


If this list was relevant to your interests, you might also enjoy 10 Reasons Why You Should Work For the Galactic Empire.

Many Bothans Died to Bring You These Coins

The small Pacific Island of Niue may only have 1,400 inhabitants, three computers and one McDonalds but it's already a step ahead of wherever you live. Why? Because Niue has made the forward-thinking decision to switch to from dollars to Imperial Credits ahead of the Death Star's arrival sometime in the near future.

The collector's edition silver coins will feature full coloured images of Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, the Death Star (obviously) and a Stormtrooper, amongst other... more dubious choices.


Citizens of Niue, you will be happy to know that your blatant attempt to toady up to the Galactic Empire has succeeded. In the event of the "unfortunate" destruction of the planet Earth, you will be spared and a place reserved for you on the Death Star.

Well, some of you will be.


Okay, really, we're just taking the coins. Darth Vader wants to add them to his "Things That Look Like Me" collection.









The Star Wars-themed coins are legal tender and have been coined by the New Zealand mint to appeal to Collectors. They have a limited mintage and will be sold in two sets of four coins, the Darth Vader Dark Side, or "cool", coins and the Millenium Falcon Light Side, or "totally lame", coins. Individual character coins are also available. Full details and pricing available at the NZ Mint site.

Thanks to Steve Dimitrio and Samoznai Maitaper via email for the tip.

A Death Star For America

Dear Friends,

It is a dark time for the United States of America. It's no secret that the once-great nation of America is in trouble. On August 2nd, the US will reach its debt ceiling of $14.3tn and be unable to borrow more money. The results of defaulting on this debt for America, and Earth's economy, could be catastrophic, leading to the collapse of the global money market. Plus, the AT-AT for America campaign got canned.

But this isn't the first time this has happened, friends. Allow us, if we may, to tell you a little story from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. The Galactic Senate's incompetence, employment of Jar Jar Binks, investment in protracted wars and spending on big government had brought the Republic to the brink of chaos. But one man had a dream. A dream of streamlined government, of job security for all and, most importantly, of peace in our time.

As Emperor, Palpatine cut government spending and increased efficiency by 2,000% by firing (sometimes literally) all of the other politicians and installing himself as ruler of a totalitarian dictatorship. With the valiant Darth Vader at his side, Palpatine ended the Clone Wars by bravely ordering the Jedi be assassinated, then brought the troop home. All 60,000 of him. But most importantly of all, friends, he gave the Galaxy a symbol of hope. He gave them a shining green light in the darkness. He gave them the Death Star.

That's right, friends, the solution to America's problems is simple: build your own Death Star.

Friends, the Death Star for America Project will need strong leadership. Someone with great charisma, a "take no prisoners/kill anybody who disagrees with you" and preferably the ability to shoot lightning from their hands. This leader, let's call them "Emperor Palpatine" for the sake of argument, will make the tough decisions that no democratically elected parliament ever could, and in 1/10th the amount of time. Some might call it having no "rights" or "freedoms" or "say". We like to think of it as "streamlining your political options".

Constructing a Death Star will see the end of unemployment on your planet once and for all. Assembling a 160km-across moon-sized battlestation armed with a planet-destroying superlaser will require a lifetime of commitment from virtually every man and woman on Earth. Also children, whose small hands are excellent for cleaning the difficult-to-reach parts in broken machinery.

Similarly, your exacting schedule and challenging working conditions will save you countless trillions of dollars by ensuring that the need for aged care pensions and welfare payouts will disappear completely.

Once you've begun building your Death Star, your money woes will become a thing of the past, friends. You won't need to borrow any. In fact, you won't even need to pay any of what you owe back. People from other countries will generously give you money, completely of their own free will, because you'll be building a giant death laser capable of disintegrating them from space, which may or may not need to be test fired a couple of times on non-compliant countries.

Environmental concerns won't be an issue either, as what little of the planet is left after you've stripped it of all of its precious metals and other essential resources will barely classify as an environment. Hey, let's be honest, it's not like your current politicians or big businesses were planning on doing any different.

Warfare will be no more. The Death Star for America Project will inspire humanity's imagination in a way no human endeavour ever has before. The people of Earth will realise that you can do more than shoot for the stars: you can build a star that shoots planets. This, plus uniting people under the common goal of not being exploded from space, will make other nations flock to support your glorious cause.

There will be those who tell you it cannot be done, friends. Ignore them. They will pay the price for their lack of vision. Did Emperor Palpatine listen to people when they said, "You're crazy", or, "How did we not know that you're an evil megalomaniacal wizard intent on taking over the Galaxy", or, "Ohgodohgod, please don't blow up my planet"? No. No he did not. He built his Death Star and so can you, America.

Don't go quietly into the night, friends. If you want to save America, spread the word to all of your friends. Direct people to this page. Get inspired. Let the Galactic Empire be your guiding (Death) Star.


Oh, one more thing, friends; you're going to need a new flag. We call it "The Death Star-Spangled Banner".

You're welcome, America.

Alderaan: A Retrospective

Alderaan. The "Shining Star" of the Core Worlds, a peaceful planet of unparalleled beauty, rich cultural heritage and a long, proud history dating back more than 30,000 years. And yet, somehow the name has become synonymous with explosive, fiery destruction. One year on, Death Star PR takes a completely objective look back at the "Alderaan incident", at what we've lost and what we've learned, in a quest to finally uncover the truth.

 The mountains of Alderaan. Probably.

What we know
Let's start with the cold, hard FACTS. Alderaan was (almost definitely) a planet that (allegedly) existed. There are many (probably not faked) photos. At some point, for some reason (discussed below), it ceased to exist in its more well-known planetary form in the spatial location it was previously renowned for being found at.

 Alderaan: You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

What may have happened that day
From scientists to conspiracy nuts to "eyewitnesses" who were "actually there", everyone seems to have a different theory on what "actually" happened to Alderaan.

Many scientists have suggested that Alderaan may have spontaneously combusted. "Oh yes," said Professor Iluff Scyeenze, "planets do spontaneously explode all of the time. It has to do with complex gravitational forces combining with a freak build up of magma beneath the planet's mantle, as well as loads of other scientific things like exothermic reactions and the parallax effect and... umm... carbohydrates."

Another strong possibility is an unexpected strike by a huge meteor, as seen in documentaries like Armageddon with Bruce Willis.

Was this man responsible for riding an asteroid into Alderaan? We're not saying he is, but can you prove he isn't? 

More likely, however, is that Alderaan was disintegrated when it was hit by a wayward paragraph of gigantic floating yellow text, a tragic tale that has become all too common in recent years. But where exactly do these unstoppable monolithic paragraphs come from? What do they want? Are they, perhaps, some kind of expository message to us from an unknowable, unfathomable creator? For now, the answers to those questions remain a mystery.

A photograph of one of the rogue paragraphs, taken by one of the few to survive an encounter.

A small minority have even suggested that the benevolent Galactic Empire used the Death Star's superlaser to destroy Alderaan as a demonstration of the Empire's firepower, designed to frighten the Rebel Alliance into submission. Well, just about anybody can suggest anything. Maybe it was accidentally eaten by a gigantic star turtle carrying four giant elephants on its back, who in turn carry some kind of disc-shaped world on their backs. Maybe a giant space bird flew off with it. Or MAYBE it was just a "special effect" made for a "movie" using "computers" and Alderaan never really existed at all.

Who's to blame?
Assuming Alderaan did exist and was blown up? Terrorists. There's a lot of things we don't know in this crazy, mixed up galaxy we live in but one thing's for sure: terrorists are always to blame for explosions.

For years, the Rebel Alliance have been waging guerrilla warfare against the Galactic Empire, constantly disrupting our valiant attempts to bring peace, order and security to the galaxy (even if we have to very occasionally use extreme violence, oppression and fear to do it).

 Grand Moff Tarkin surveys a totally unconnected asteroid field.

Although the Rebel insurgents haven't claimed responsibility for the attack, and indeed have quite vehemently and consistently stated that the Empire is to blame, the reality is that there would be no wars of the star variety or otherwise if the Alliance simply gave up. They won't, of course. They're only too eager to risk your lives for their own selfish ends. Said Eeval Tehryryst: "We're fighting to free the entire galaxy from a ruthlessly oppressive totalitarian dictatorship led by two evil wizards." See? Selfish.

Hypothetically speaking
From a purely hypothetical, non-committal, just throwing it out there kind of a place, if Alderaan did explode and if we did it, which we are in no way suggesting is actually the case, then it would definitely have been totally, unequivocally justified.

 What the Death Star laser might look like if it was fired at Alderaan. Which it almost definitely wasn't.

If the Galactic Empire did, for example, use the Death Star's gigantic superlaser to turn Alderaan into the galaxy's newest meteor field, it would only have been to bring peace to an entire galaxy. A galaxy filled with literally thousands of planets, and possibly to teach a certain uppity Princess a lesson. Are people really going to miss one? After all, doesn't the good of the many outweigh the needs of the few (billion)?

Tarkin, Leia and Darth Vader share a laugh during some father/daughter bonding/abduction time.

Simply put, if Alderaan did get blown up by the Galactic Empire, it was the Rebellion's fault. But even if it turned out that there was some kind of "video evidence" that "proved" we were "responsible", the chances were that we were just test firing the laser when Alderaan shifted its orbit in front of it.

Final thoughts
In all of the discussion of the "horrific tragedy" that (allegedly) befell Alderaan, aren't we all forgetting something? Did the (alleged) destruction of Alderaan really happen to the Alderaanians? After all, you don't hear them bringing it up very often. Isn't it fairer to say that Alderaan happened to all of us? For it is we who must march bravely onwards, valiantly struggling to put behind us/forget completely what (may or may not actually have) happened on that fateful day.

And doesn't that make us the real heroes, in the end?

Yes. Yes it does.

Respect

You have to admire anybody who can wear a cape to work and still command the respect of their employees.

 Kick ass art by Livio Ramondelli, via Coolvibe.

10 Reasons Why You Should Work for the Galactic Empire

With more and more planets coming under the benevolent rule of the great Emperor Palpatine by the day, there's never been a better time to join the Galactic Empire. Here are ten reasons why you should work for us:





10) Earn good money

Well, actually, you’ll earn minimum wage (if you’re lucky) and you'll like it. But on the upside, that’s loads better than having Stormtroopers visit your house in the middle of the night and burning your house down because you decided not to join the Galactic Empire.

9) Great health benefits

Working for the Galactic Empire will ensure you remain in peak physical fitness at all times. After all, what better high intensity fat blasting cardio workout is there than running around doing the bidding of two extremely demanding sociopathic evil sorcerers? Plus, you can forget about Bikram Yoga once you get deployed to a desert planet in full body combat armour.

8) Plenty of opportunities for promotion

There’s literally nothing worse than slaving away day after day, being constantly overlooked for the promotion you so richly deserve. In the Galactic Empire, our on-the-spot employee performance appraisals and liberal use of Force chokes as part of our progressive disciplinary policy ensures there are always vacancies in key management positions for young go-getters. Particularly if you have a flexible approach to certain moral grey areas (like “murder” and “oppression”) and a high pain threshold.

 

7) Travel to exotic worlds

And blow them up.

6) Learn about other cultures

In your travels, you'll encounter diverse cultures, experience fascinating new customs, and be forced to listen to innumerable conversations in alien languages you don'have the time or inclination to understand. You'll also have plenty of time to study their combat methods and tactics in the event that you need to frame them for the murder of unhelpful moisture farmers.

5) Meet interesting people

The galaxy is a vast and wondrous place, teeming with strange and intriguing aliens you couldn't possibly imagine in your wildest dreams. And you'll get to oppress and brutalise them all personally. Or, for those of you who are more interested in hobnobbing with high society, why not consider joining the 483rd Legion, where kidnapping Princesses is their specialty?

4) Face exciting challenges

Most jobs are the same boring stuff day after day. Same cubicle, same coffee place, same small talk, then you die. However, some rare jobs make you continually challenge and better yourself, enabling you to achieve things you'd never have thought possible. Like trying to kill magic space knights with superpowers and laser swords before they can kill you while wearing insanely large helmets that are almost impossible to see anything out of.

3) Stick it to the Alliance

The Rebels talk a big game about fighting for freedom and equality and peace but their track record tells a different story. Would people who love peace really have blown up the Death Star, killing over a million people? Would people who believe in equality really only employ two women, neither of whom are allowed to get involved in the fighting? Why didn't Chewbacca get a medal as well? Will they see Han Solo brought to justice for drug smuggling and the murder of single father and soup kitchen volunteer, Greedo? At least with us you know what you're getting.

2) Work for "hands on" bosses

Most people working for big business or government bodies go their entire careers without ever meeting the men and women at the top. Thankfully, Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader both believe in spending time with their employees, getting to know them personally before choking, electrifying, or occasionally even beheading them to death. You call it "murder", we call it "micromanaging".

1) Be more than just a number

Here in the Galactic Empire, we care about our employees and their hopes and dreams. Unlike some corporations, we view our workers as distinct individuals who are so much more than just faceless, anonymous clone drones. You'll never be just a number to us. Because we care.

10 Easy Ways You Can Celebrate Star Wars Day

May the 4th be with you! 

Yes, May the 4th is here. Star Wars day. The day that we celebrate one of the greatest stories ever told, a story that has captured the hearts and minds and money (soooo much money) of countless fans for over thirty years. Apart from the bits with Jar Jar Binks in.

But it also presents a problem for people who don't live in a galaxy far, far away who dream of one day warring amidst the stars: how do you satisfactorily celebrate the occasion? Fret not humans, Death Star PR has the answer. Here are 10 easy ways you celebrate Star Wars Day:

10. Kidnap a Princess and blow up her planet

This one should be a cinch but on the off chance you don't have easy access to a Princess and/or a planet destroying super weapon, try thinking outside the box: substitute "Princess" for "that snooty girl who lives down the street and always ignores you when you stare adoringly at her through the cafe window" and "planet" for "setting fire to her car".

9. Tell Luke You're His Father

This is a classic Star Wars joke that never, ever gets old. Every time you meet, speak to, or hear of someone called Luke today, tell them: "I am your father. Search your feelings, you know it to be true." If you happen to have some kind of laser sword (or katana blade, axe, etc in a pinch) and a reactor shaft handy, the rest of this scene just writes itself.

8. Use the Force

Don't pretend you haven't "used the Force" to open automatic doors. Everybody has. Well today's your chance to revel in it; really just do it continually all day long. Also strongly encouraged: trying to Force choke annoying family members/co-workers/customers.

7. Have an Epic Lightsaber Battle

We understand that Earth is too backwards to have actual lightsaber battles but for this one you'll just have to make do with toy replicas. If you think about it, what makes a lightsaber battle EPIC isn't just having a super cool laser sword that cuts through almost anything while going, "SchwmmMMM!", it's the 47 minute duel across a variety of exotic, increasingly dangerous locales. Start your toy lightsaber fight in the house, take it out to the street, through the traffic, fall on to the top of a passing truck, then roll off that in to a busy factory that, if you're lucky, will be full of molten lava.

6. Do Jedi Mind Tricks

As much as we hate to admit it, Jedi mind tricks do work, it's just most people don't have the patience required to make it happen. The trick to a Jedi mind trick is this: it's not enough to just say, "I'm not the Lloyd you're looking for". You need to say it one hundred times. Or at least, just as many times as it takes for the other person to give up and either agree with you or go away because THEN YOU WIN.

5. Find the Droids No One Was Looking For

We'll be honest, our Stormtroopers kind of dropped the ball on Tatooine but that doesn't mean you can't make up for their mistakes. How, you ask? Any time today you see anything mechanical that could even in the loosest possible sense be described as a robot, point to it and exclaim, "Look! That's the droid we were looking for!"

4. Get Cocky

Although not generally noted for his advice giving, Han did have one great tip for  Luke when he said, "Great, kid. Don't get cocky." The utter irony of this comment coming from the galaxy's cockiest cock makes it a must that you get cocky on Star Wars day. Do this by saying, "I know" any time someone tells you anything, e.g.
Co-worker: "I'm going to get lunch."
You: "I know."
Co-worker: "Probably sushi."
You: "I know."
Co-worker: "So... do you want to come, or what?"
You: "I know."
Co-worker: "I'm going now."
You: "I know."

3. Time to Imperial March

We'll let you in on a little secret. There is one, incredibly easy, surefire way to go from complete loser to total bad ass in under five seconds: throw John William's "Imperial March" on to your iPod, crank the volume to full, hit play and then stride down the corridor, street, etc. For even greater badassery, play it on a boom box and make a lackey scurry after you holding it. Cape optional.

2. Do the "Obi-Wan"

Remember that classically heroic moment when Obi-Wan cut off his best friend's legs and arm and then gave him a lecture about how he was supposed to have been a good guy while the poor kid was burning to death in a river of magma? Well, you can be just as heroic! Give your friend a series of horrible paper cuts, then throw boiling hot water in their face while you deliver a lecture about how they are a bad friend.

1. Shoot First

Actually, most guys already have this one covered, particularly once the Slave Leia costume comes out.

Bonus: Kiss Your Sister

OF COURSE this is a trap. Rebel sickos.