Santa Claus is Evil

Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas. For centuries, they have told children stories of this magical, bearded, sleigh-driving fat man who delivers presents to good children while they sleep. He is a legend, an icon, but what do we really know about Santa?


Some facts are indisputable: He lives in an undisclosed location in the North Pole, he has a penchant for wearing red, and he eats cookies. So far, so innocent. Or so they want us to believe.

They gloss over some of the finer details, though, avoiding the deeply disturbing aspects of the official Santa Claus story. Details so chilling that once you have read them, you may never be able to sleep on Christmas Eve, or any other night, ever again.

Submitted for your consideration:
"He knows if you've been sleeping, he knows if you're awake", i.e. he knows what EVERYONE is doing, ALL THE TIME, which means he is the world's most successful peeping Tom. How does he do this? They say magic. We say high-tech surveillance equipment, God complex and a pathological disregard for people's privacy.

"He knows if you've been bad or good... so be good. For goodness sake!" Sure, Santa gives toys to the kids he likes. But he also gives coal to the people he arbitrarily decides have been naughty. This is, no matter how you slice it, a dick move. They're just kids, dickwad.

While everyone is asleep, he breaks in to Every. Single. House. On. Earth. Not content with violating your personal space once, he does it annually. That is a whole lot of break and enter charges.
[Note: he always makes sure you're asleep before he visits. This makes it even creepier and more stalkerish.]

They say sleigh driver. We say slave driver. It may be cold in the North Pole, but not for the elves in Santa's toy sweatshop, who are compelled by Santa's dark magicks to work 24 hours a day all year round. That's right, children. The elves do not get paid. The elves do not get workplace collective bargaining agreements and OH&S reviews. The elves do not even get breaks. Except for the breaks in their tiny little bones Santa gives them if they don't meet their toy quotas. The elves are very, very sad.

Santa Claus may love children, but he hates animals. Specifically, he hates flying reindeer most of all. He makes his team of nine reindeer pull a sleigh carrying enough presents FOR EVERY CHILD ON EARTH. Who knows how much something like that would weigh? They have to pull this sleigh ALL OVER THE WORLD. IN ONE NIGHT. IN WINTER. If there has ever been a sadder, more horrifying case of animal cruelty, we haven't heard of it.

Finally, he is indirectly responsible for the "Santa Clause" film series, which we think you will agree, is indictment enough by itself.

So now you know the truth. And the truth is, Santa Claus is evil.

Top 10 Tips for Succeeding in Business

Forget harnessing your "true you" or undertaking a 47 Step Journey to Personal Power. Death Star PR shares the 10 best no nonsense ways to fast track your business career.


10. Suck up to your boss at every available opportunity. Free sports tickets are a good start. Unsolicited back rubs are not.
9. Develop similar interests to those in power, e.g. golf, boating, masochism.


8. Do not hesitate to sell out your friends and co-workers if it will advance your career prospects. They will forgive you/not be able to bring it up without fear of being fired once you become their superior.
7. Avoid actual loyalty to your company at all costs. If the ship ever goes down, be the first on the lifeboat.
6. Don't be afraid to steal credit for other people's ideas. If they were smarter, they would have already told somebody about it by now.
5. Use stair/other miscellaneous workplace "accidents" to your advantage. They can't fight for that promotion if they're fighting for their life in hospital!
4. If confronted with a question outside of your field of expertise (i.e. sports, Farmville, being creepy to female employees), use corporate jargon until the questioner goes away. New words work best, e.g. "Insynergization" and "Progressvitate".
3. Spread rumours about workplace rivals, the wilder and more sexually suggestive the better. Then watch as people turn against them out of jealousy or disgust.
2. Whenever possible, get somebody else to do your work for you. This is called "delegating" and is an essential skill of upper management. You really think anybody important ever got to where they are by wasting time getting anything for themselves?
1. It's not what you know or who you know, it's what you know about who you know. Blackmail is the bullet train of promotion.

Final Note: If you need to buy a "Self Help" book, you are not, in actual fact, helping yourself. Now stop being such a loser and get out there and hospitalize someone!

Priceless

 

Building a Death Star: $7 trillion.

Annual Wages: $960 million.

Keeping the Galaxy safe by blowing up evil planets:

Priceless.

Who's Da(rth) Boss?

 
Okay, yes, our boss is a massive douchebag and probable Sith Lord but, let's be honest, whose boss ISN'T?


We've all thought it every now and then - "My boss is an evil dick!" Yes, yes s/he is. But just HOW evil is s/he? Here are the Top 10 ways you can tell your boss may be a Sith Lord:



10. He runs a merciless, galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime, e.g. McDonalds, Nazi Germany.
9. His words say, "Hello" but his eyes say, "Who are you and how can I make money from killing you?"
8. She keeps scheduling staff meetings on Friday afternoons.
7. He balls you out for checking personal emails at work... but is constantly updating his Twitter and Facebook.
6. He always just appears the second anyone mentions his name.
5. She says things like "bandwidth", "value adding" &"incentivized synergization", expecting you to know what they mean.
4. She wrote a book about vampires without fangs who sparkle in sunlight... and inexplicably made millions of dollars from it.
3. Everyone at your workplace has really cool matching uniforms, special salutes and professes a fear of "other" people... you know, "them". 
2. He keeps eating your food from the fridge... despite the very passive-aggressive notes you leave on it. 
1. Force choke-related injuries are up 147% on last quarter.