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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Santa Claus is Evil

Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas. For centuries, they have told children stories of this magical, bearded, sleigh-driving fat man who delivers presents to good children while they sleep. He is a legend, an icon, but what do we really know about Santa?

Some facts are indisputable: He lives in an undisclosed location in the North Pole, he has a penchant for wearing red, and he eats cookies. So far, so innocent. Or so they want us to believe.

They gloss over some of the finer details, though, avoiding the deeply disturbing aspects of the official Santa Claus story. Details so chilling that once you have read them, you may never be able to sleep on Christmas Eve, or any other night, ever again.

Submitted for your consideration:
"He knows if you've been sleeping, he knows if you're awake", i.e. he knows what EVERYONE is doing, ALL THE TIME, which means he is the world's most successful peeping Tom. How does he do this? They say magic. We say high-tech surveillance equipment, God complex and a pathological disregard for people's privacy.

"He knows if you've been bad or good... so be good. For goodness sake!" Sure, Santa gives toys to the kids he likes. But he also gives coal to the people he arbitrarily decides have been naughty. This is, no matter how you slice it, a dick move. They're just kids, dickwad.

While everyone is asleep, he breaks in to Every. Single. House. On. Earth. Not content with violating your personal space once, he does it annually. That is a whole lot of break and enter charges.
[Note: he always makes sure you're asleep before he visits. This makes it even creepier and more stalkerish.]

They say sleigh driver. We say slave driver. It may be cold in the North Pole, but not for the elves in Santa's toy sweatshop, who are compelled by Santa's dark magicks to work 24 hours a day all year round. That's right, children. The elves do not get paid. The elves do not get workplace collective bargaining agreements and OH&S reviews. The elves do not even get breaks. Except for the breaks in their tiny little bones Santa gives them if they don't meet their toy quotas. The elves are very, very sad.

Santa Claus may love children, but he hates animals. Specifically, he hates flying reindeer most of all. He makes his team of nine reindeer pull a sleigh carrying enough presents FOR EVERY CHILD ON EARTH. Who knows how much something like that would weigh? They have to pull this sleigh ALL OVER THE WORLD. IN ONE NIGHT. IN WINTER. If there has ever been a sadder, more horrifying case of animal cruelty, we haven't heard of it.

Finally, he is indirectly responsible for the "Santa Clause" film series, which we think you will agree, is indictment enough by itself.

So now you know the truth. And the truth is, Santa Claus is evil.