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Sunday, December 19, 2010

10 Totally Justifiable Reasons For Murdering Someone This Christmas

Christmas is a time when people remember that 2,000 years ago a mystical invisible old bearded guy living in the sky knocked up some lady with a magic baby in order to save mankind because a few thousand years before that an evil talking snake made some other lady eat an apple, which she wasn't allowed to eat for some reason even though it was in her garden.

Sadly, the true meaning of whatever that probably touching and definitely 100% factual story was about has been lost to us. Now Christmas is a time when people spend more money than they have buying presents for people they don't really know in the hope of pacifying them into going a day without making a racist/judgmental/ignorant comment that will inevitably lead to the outbreak of World War III.



Of course, there's another option besides gifts for silencing annoying people: murder. Without further ado, here are the TEN totally justifiable reasons to kill someone this Christmas:

10. Being stuck on a queue for an hour and a half just to buy ONE THING.
9. Finding out they just sold out of the one present you hoped would fill the void in your child's life left by your failures as a parent.
8. The fact that that no one, anywhere, is exhibiting anything even vaguely approximating "Holiday cheer".
7. Realising that all of your beloved childhood Christmas specials are nothing more than thinly-disguised product placement.
6. Being condescendingly asked by that relative you hardly know but know you hate why you haven't changed jobs/got a boyfriend/made something of your life yet... even though they haven't done any of those things themself.
5. Because that "elf" at the shopping centre had to be put down for it's own overly-psychotically-happy good.
4. Getting absolutely none of the presents you wanted. Or asked for. For the fifth year in a row.
3. Seeing the Christmas decorations go up at the local shopping centre. In September.
2. Hearing "Jingle Bells Rock" for the 472nd time.

1. Being kept awake FOR 17 STRAIGHT NIGHTS by the INCESSANT flashing of your STUPID OVERLY KEEN next door neighbour's Christmas lights.

5 comments:

  1. Anyone spotted where number 5 is????

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  2. This is marvelous. Now about the product placement in the Star Wars Holiday Special...?

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  3. #5 was left intentionally blank. That way if someone does kill someone we can put their reason on the list. In the middle. SO it doesn't look tacked on. Plausible deniablity, my friend. Plausible deniability.

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  4. That's... exactly why we did it...
    *innocent whistling*
    *edges away slowly*
    (Lela, you're hired)

    ReplyDelete