To Do #1

TO DO:

✔ Make all Jedi "one with the Force"

✔ Oppress entire Galaxy
✔ Capture wise-mouthed Princess
✔ Blow up Alderaan 

❒ Find droids
❒Groceries
❒Cover exhaust port

Existential Star Wars

Ever wondered how much better Star Wars would have been if it was a pretentious foreign film written by Jean-Paul Sarte? You know you have. Well wonder no more, because OneMinuteGalactica has done it for you.

Above all, the video proves that it would be horrible to be in the Rebellion, unless you love being all angst-ridden and despair-y.

"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. I exist, and I find it nauseating."

Star Wars Posters

Just a few of the amazing (mostly non-Star Wars) re-imagined film posters and concept art from Reelizer.

 Luke's Destiny, by Frank Stockton.

Six Against the Galaxy, by Joshua Budich.

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope, by Tom Whalen.

Star Wars: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, by Tom Whalen.

The Droids, by Simon C Page.

Star Wars: Episode 5 - The Empire Strikes Back, by Sublevel Studios.

A New Hope, by Olly Moss.

The Empire Strikes Back, by Olly Moss.

Return of the Jedi, by Olly Moss.

Droids

These definitely aren't the droids we're looking for... but they're probably close enough. Shoot to kill.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

10 Things We Hate About Luke

Sure, Luke Skywalker is a terrorist and a Jedi but there are loads of other reasons to hate him. Here are ten of the best: 

1. He's an orphan.

Orphans are scary. Despite coming from broken homes and suffering from tragic pasts, these parentless kids always seem to discover that they're the one prophesied to realise some "noble" destiny involving destroying somebody's really carefully made plans by using magical powers they learned from some creepy old wizard guy who's secretly been "watching over" them their whole life.

2. He's always whinging about something.

Whether it's not being allowed to join the Rebel Alliance, or having to go to Tosche Station to pick up power converters, or having his  adoptive parents brutally killed and then flame grilled by Stormtroopers, the kid manages to find the negative in any situation.

3. He has amazing magical powers...

And he doesn't do anything cool with them. Sure, he makes C-3PO levitate to impress a bunch of mutant teddy bears and can do some pretty sweet jumps but why doesn't he crush them all with the power of his mind, or even just mentally untie the ropes that bind him? How come he can't do a simple Jedi mind trick on a giant space slug, or block Palpatine's Force lightning with his lightsaber like EVERY SINGLE PERSON did in the prequel trilogy?!

4. He has poor personal hygiene.

He goes swimming in trash compactors, sleeps in the hollowed out carcasses of tauntauns and, worst of all, spends much of his time living in swamps being ridden by a crazy old goblin. There is nobody in the galaxy who needs a bath more.

5. He got a medal for killing 1.3 million people.

For a "hero", Luke doesn't seem particularly racked with guilt as he walks up to receive his shiny gold medal for blowing up the Death Star 1, killing its 1.3+ million employees. Ummm.... did we miss something here? Everyone gets all judgey when we blow up a few evil planets but this guy gets a medal? Did he even try opening a dialogue or using an aggressive pamphlet-dropping campaign first?

6. The Force will be with him... always.

Apparently there is a BAD kind of killing people that makes you automatically turn to the Dark Side and a GOOD kind of killing a whole crapload of people that is OKAY by ghost Jedi and their midichlorian friends.

7. He wears black.

This is against all the rules of appropriate film costuming and is therefore confusing and wrong. EVERYONE knows good guys always wear white and bad guys always wear black. Here is an instructional pictograph we made to help illustrate the point:

8. He's not a good son.

When Darth Vader tells Luke he is his father, this should be a joyous moment for the younger Skywalker, who finally has a chance to get to know his old man. Unlike a lot of other deadbeat dads, Vader offers to spend quality time with his son doing fun father/son activities like ruling the Galaxy. Luke, of course, declines.

9. His feelings for his friends are strong. Especially for... sister.

Everyone in the Galaxy knows that Luke's feelings for his sister are a little more than brotherly. Want proof? They kissed. And Luke liked it. Want more? Name any other hero in the history of cinema who goes THREE MOVIES without a love interest. Luke is just waiting for Han to slip up and then BAM! He'll slip right in with the old "I'm your brother, I just want to support you" routine. Luke Skywalker? Try Luke Slywalker.

10. He doesn't know a good deal when he sees it.

Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine both offer Luke a chance to co-rule the ENTIRE FUCKING GALAXY. To be clear, this entails lots of money, three personal chefs and your own personal parking space on the Death Star for your executive TIE Fighter. Luke says no. Seriously, who does that???

Han Shot First

Did you know that Greedo was a widower and father to seven children?

Who will tuck them in to bed at night now, Han?

Other Death Stars, Other Planets

One decision can change a life, but some decisions can change Galaxies.


After the jump is a Star Wars fan fiction piece set in an alternative universe where some things are familiar and others, very different.

It started as a thought experiment and a bit of fun. If you get through it, let me know what you think in the comments below. I'm interested to see if anybody can guess the decision that changed the Galaxy (I'm sure you're up to the challenge).

Psychological Warfare

Everyone knows you don't mess with Darth Vader. He can kill you with a lightsaber. He can kill you with the Force. He can even kill you with his bare robotic hand. But he's not all about the killing. Sometimes he's about the psychological warfare:

Bottom line: You don't mess with Darth Vader.

We didn't create this image. If anybody knows the original source, please let us know.

The Present of A Lifetime

It's my birthday! And to celebrate, I'M giving YOU a present, because that's how kind and generous and wonderful we are here in the Galactic Empire's PR Division.

This could be the most valuable present you are ever given, so print it out, but don't be selfish - pass it on.

Oh, one piece of advice: don't get cocky. Even without the Force, Lord Vader still has the power to bust you down to cleaning duty in the trash compactors on J-Deck.

See a Doctor

Does your child:

• Play with his "lightsaber" incessantly?
• Whine about having to do simple chores?
• Take instructions from the voices (particularly of old men) in his head?
• Seem disturbingly attracted to siblings?

The chances are extremely likely that s/he could be a Jedi.

Seek help before it's too late. Consult a medical professional immediately.

Brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

A Common Problem

The Death Star is a lot like having sex with Darth Vader:

It's cold, it fires quickly, usually only fires once and there's a lot of anger, tears and recriminations afterwards.

Star Wars Crawl

Today the Empire released its OFFICIAL version of the Star Wars Episode IV crawl, free of all Rebel propaganda. Finally, the true story can be told...

Watch it here or read the text version below:

EPISODE IV

A NEW HOPE

It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won a minor victory against the peacekeeping forces of the benevolent GALACTIC EMPIRE.

During the battle, dissident forces ambushed an Imperial facility on "Bring Your Children to Work Day", mercilessly killing everyone and stealing secret plans to the Empire's ultimate defensive weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. But only if they really deserve it.

Pursued by the Empire's most heroic agent, the bold and enigmatic DARTH VADER, the terrorist leader Leia "Princess" Organa flees aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that could lead to the destruction of the Death Star, thereby endangering the freedom of the entire galaxy...

Behind Every Great Hero...

Proudly presenting our first advertisement for the PR Team...

Art by becboland

Lego

We were pointed to this amazing series of 102 Lego Star Wars photos (Click Me!) by @starwars on the Twitter.

Do yourself a favour and check them out. Love them. Bask in their awesomeness.

It's amazing how many of them accurately represent life in the Empire.

Don't Panic

Some people seem to think that here on the Death Star, we're only about the death.

Okay, yes, VERY OCCASIONALLY when we move into orbit around a planet we're there to blow it up.

But MOST of the time, we're just stopping by to talk, or pick up a few pizzas, or return that DVD of the third season of 'Friends' we borrowed eight years ago.

To help get the message of love and understanding out there, we give to you this inspirational poster...

Remember, the Death Star Cares.

Long Range

The Emperor has done so much for our Galaxy. He's given us stability, prosperity, order and employment. "But what about security?" we hear you ask. "How can you make sure our children are safe in bed at night from the Rebels?"

We've listened and now, the Emperor has delivered.

We give to you...

The Death Star: Long Range you can believe in.

art by becboland

Change: Into a Cyborg

It's almost election time in the Galaxy Far, Far Away. We're proud to bring you the first election poster for the original man in black, your Dark Lord and mine - Darth Vader.

Art by becboland

Change: Into a Sith Lord

It's almost election time here in the Galaxy Far, Far Away. We're pleased to bring you the first election poster for the most beloved political leader in the galaxy - Emperor Palpatine.

Art by becboland

Glass Half Full

Glass half empty: We killed everyone on Alderaan.

Glass half full: We saved them all from having to see Twilight Eclipse.

Perspective

We guess you could say we killed everyone on Alderaan.

We prefer to think that we sent two billion people to a better place.