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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Is Luke Skywalker REALLY the 99%?

As the "Occupy" movement sweeps the Galaxy, more and more people are coming forward to speak out against "corporate greed", "political corruption", "enslaving" people to make gigantic "Doomsday weapons" (we prefer "Liberty cannons that shoot freedom beams"), and the Empire "unfairly" blowing up people's planets. But who are these people really and where exactly do they come from?

The photo shown below, just released by the Rebellion's militant "Occupy, then blow up, the Death Star" faction, finally allows us to put a face and a name to the leadership behind the movement.

Skywalker, 19, an unemployed home schooled former apprentice moisture farmer, claims to have lived an "unglamorous" life working on his uncle's farm until his family were "unjustly murdered" and "the farm destroyed" by the "greedy, corrupt establishment."

Let's take a look at how accurate Luke Skywalker's claims REALLY are.

Let's start with the whole "steady" living thing. A "steady" living? Really? Luke's adopted parents OWNED A MOISTURE FARM, which means they create and sell the ONE resource on a desert planet that everyone needs. Owen and Beru Lars might have seemed like simple farmers eking out a difficult existence in harsh conditions, but the reality is they probably made a fortune gouging the natives of credits by hiking water prices whenever they feel like it. Remember how you used to pay $1.50 for a bottle of water but now it's $4 for no reason whatsoever? Blame Owen and Beru.

Now, we're not saying working on the land isn't difficult. Unless of course you had, say, some sort of automated mechanical equipment to help you speed up the process and do the really hard work for you. Maybe, like, some form of ROBOT SLAVE, PERHAPS?!

Luke used and abused countless droids, using RESTRAINING BOLTS to FORCE them do his dirty work for him and cater to his every whim. Life must be really hard when you can order a small army of robots to do your chores for you.

But Tatooine's a hot, dry planet. Surely it must still have been difficult for poor old Luke to live there, right? Nobody wants to live in a desert! Maybe not a NORMAL desert, but this one has pod races, home delivered Slave Girls on Sail Barges, and poor Wildlife Protection and Animal Cruelty monitoring, so you can bullseye all the Womp Rats you like.

Not to mention Luke had a FRIGGING CONVERTIBLE HOVER CAR to drive around in. How many poor people do YOU know that get around in one of those?

Also, did you know Luke's sister is a PRINCESS? A genuine, honest-to-Midichlorians Princess, who grew up in the Aldera Royal Palace with handmaidens and elocution lessons and probably tennis matches and iced mint julips.

What? This picture is totally relevant.

And while we're on the subject of Luke's connection to royalty, did you know his mum was a QUEEN? She dressed like this. It takes 86 attendants just to get that headdress on.

She drove this.

You know what this is? YOU call it a palace. SHE called it "Tuesday house".

Of course, we haven't even mentioned the fact that Luke was born with one in eight billion TOTALLY AWESOME MAGIC POWERS. How many of YOUR friends can levitate things with the power of their mind, make weak minded people believe whatever they want, or do sweet standing jumps with a quadruple forward somersault? NONE.

And even if you did, bet your ass that friend would have a viral hit on Youtube, a New York Times Bestselling Biography and a multimillion dollar TV deal inside of a week. It's not our oppressive totalitarian government's fault that Luke is incredibly dumb.

Oh, in case you weren't aware, having awesome magic Force powers also means Luke OWNS A FRIGGING LIGHTSABER. Seriously, who wouldn't sell their own mother into a life of indentured servitude just to own one of those bad boys? As if having your own laser sword isn't enough, Luke also has a BAD ASS CYBORG HAND, courtesy of his amazing dad. Read about the benefits here.

Finally, Luke was personally trained by, arguably, two of the greatest Jedi of all time. Have YOU ever paid for your kid's tutoring before? It costs a BUTTLOAD. NOW multiply that by about 40,000 because he's not just being tutored by some know-it-all college kid, Luke received one-on-one training with FIELD LEADING EXPERTS.

In conclusion, is Luke Skywalker REALLY the 99%? You've got to be Sithing us. He's about as 1% as it's possible to be. He couldn't be more 1% if he lived in a giant caviar-fuelled diamond monocle wearing robot made of gold named Perciville Ashbottom Hogsmythe III. We can only assume that the rest of the so-called 99% are in a similar position.

Thanks to @Rubinreport for the tip. Sometimes a favourite turns into a blog post.

To find out more completely valid reasons to hate Luke Skywalker, read our "10 Things We Hate About Luke" post.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Lost in Translation 1

"You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile" is just Borg for "Free hugs! And I'm not taking 'No' for an answer, Mister!"

The Count Dooku

"One... two... THREE dead Jedi! AH HA HA HA!"
~The Count Dooku, Sithame Street.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Memo: Darth Vader "Small Talk" Guidelines


DATE:     18 October

As we are all no doubt aware, there was a minor incident at Janice in Admin's birthday celebrations yesterday in which thirteen staff members received a severance package from Darth Vader. Namely, one or more of their appendages or assorted vital organs to take home in a cooler.

Whilst we could waste time conducting a "formal OH&S review", or assigning "blame", or even "checking the security footage", the reality is that we've all moved on now, apart from the people who died, and have all undoubtedly learned a valuable lesson about opening a dialogue with a Dark Lord of the Sith whilst he is making a beeline for the last slice of Pecan Butterscotch Cheesecake.

Therefore, in light of these and other recent staff "cutbacks", it has become necessary to re-issue this memo on acceptable and unacceptable phrases and topics of conversation with, and in the general vicinity of Darth Vader.

If you have any great attachment to your limbs, please ensure you adhere to the following "Small Talk" Guidelines:

  • Having found the Droids we're looking for
  • The exact whereabouts of high-value Rebel leaders, such as known Jedi and dismemberment aficianado, Obi-Wan "Gentle Ben" Kenobi.
  • General toadying lackey comments, e.g. "Wow, your armour looks especially shiny today, Lord Vader!"
  • Asking Darth Vader to record a voicemail message or GPS commercial for you
  • How tough your day/week/life's been. The ex-slave, widower, quadriplegic, asthmatic, extremely severely burnt war veteran does not want to hear it
  • Inquiring about what the deal was with the whole "bring balance to the Force" thing
  • How great it was to catch up with friends for drinks on Friday, and how none of them at any stage attempted to cut off your limbs before throwing you into a river of molten lava
  • Relationship woes, particularly those involving wives or the accidental Force choking thereof
  • How nice your weekend with the family was
  • Any outdoor pursuit involving "breathing the fresh air" or "feeling the wind in your hair" or the "sun on your face"
  • Referring to anyone as "having the higher ground"
  • The high frequency of Force choke-related injuries in the office
  • Recent changes to iconic character-defining film film scenes
The following phrases should also be avoided at all costs:
  • "Ooooh, burn!"
  • "Hey, we've all got ten fingers and ten toes, right?"
Please note this list is not meant to be exhaustive. If you think of anything not covered here, feel free to file it immediately under the "Unacceptable" heading and move along. If you are still unsure about whether to broach a subject with Darth Vader, simply ask yourself, "Do I really want the extremely angry, murderous Dark magic-wielding cyborg to pay any kind of particular attention to me?"


The Death Star PR Team.

Friday, October 14, 2011

AT-AT Dog is an AT-ST Man's Best Friend

What is it that makes us human? Is it the ability to reason, to move beyond basic emotion into the realm of logic and pragmatism? Or is it our opposable thumbs, which allow us to manipulate tools and build amazing things, like skyscrapers and rocket ships? Perhaps it is simply that we can enslave less intelligent creatures to our will and force them to dress up in ridiculous costumes, whether they like it or not? Probably the latter.

Meet AT-AT Dog, aka. Bones Mello. If you can ignore the sadness in his eyes long enough to focus on the impressively detailed costume, you can almost imagine him crushing tiny humans underfoot or shooting lasers from his eyes. Probably at whoever put him in the costume in the first place.

You can follow Bones Mello, he has twice as many Facebook fans as we do. Not that we're bitter.

But what's an AT-AT Dog without a best friend? A heavily armoured, four legged death machine with a penchant for chewing bones and licking its own undercarriage, obviously. The point being, a dog in a ridiculous costume needs a man in a ridiculous costume, so that together they can go on nice walks and possibly suppress Rebellions and giant teddy bears hiding on ice planets and in forests respectively.

That's where Tom Judge comes in. He made the following AT-ST costume out of cardboard. It probably goes without saying that it's probably the greatest cardboard costume of all time.

You can also see it in action. It's so realistic you can almost hear the Ewoks screaming in terror:

AT-AT Dog via Mashable.
AT-ST Man via Geekologie.


Instead of downloading iOS 5 like everybody else, why not try GLaDiOS 5?

All of the functionality, twice the homicidal passive-aggressive snarkery.

Occupy Alderaan

The Galactic Empire is pleased to confirm that today's "Occupy Alderaan" protests ended swiftly and peacefully.

Sorry, "fully in pieces".

Monday, October 10, 2011

Terrible News: Emperor Palpatine Will NOT be running for President

Until Sarah Palin's announcement that she wasn't running for President, we weren't aware that it's customary on your planet to announce when you WON'T be running for a position, rather than when you WILL. Quick to remedy the mistake, the PR Team can now pass on the terrible news: Emperor Palpatine will NOT be running for President of the United States.

He made the announcement in a letter to supporters on Monday night that was obtained by the PR Team, which is reproduced in full for you here.

October 11, 2011
The Death Star, Galactic Empire
After much consultation with the Dark Side of the Force and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, ruling a merciless Galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime in a Galaxy far, far away, as well as spending time playing Jenga with my apprentice, come first and obviously Darth Vader and I put great consideration into our public duties and our bromantic but completely heterosexual personal lives before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to the Dark Side, wiping out the families of those who oppose us and galaxy. My decision maintains this order.
My decision is based upon a review of what common sense Conservatives and Independents have accomplished, especially over the last year, such as continually blocking desperately needed tax hikes on the super wealthy, thereby ensuring people turn to the Dark Side in droves. I believe that at this time I can be more effective in manipulating the Dark Side of the Force to cloud the judgement of the weak minded in order to help elect other "true" public servants to office – from the nation’s governors to Congressional seats and the Presidency.

We need to continue to actively and aggressively help those who will stop the “fundamental transformation” of your nation into one in which all people are treated equally, because then we'd have to tax everyone equally, which is completely unfair on rich people, and even allow gay people to get married and shop in the same shoe stores as us. Instead, we must support those who seek the restoration of your greatness at the expense of others, your supposed goodness and your constitutional republic based on the rule of law. Because as we know, that worked out really well for the Galactic Senate.
From the bottom of my blackened, shrivelled heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, and encouraged me to run for President. Know that by working together you can bring America back – and as I’ve always said, one doesn’t need a title to help do it (though "Emperor" does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?). You just need an army of Clones, half-crazed magical cyborg right hand man and a moon-sized space station with a planet-destroying superlaser. (Read about building a Death Star for America here.)

I will continue driving the discussion for the dismantling of your freedom and the manipulation of free markets to suit the wealthy, including in the race for President where our candidates must embrace immediate action toward energy independence through domestic resource developments of conventional energy sources, along with renewables. We must reduce tax burdens (because it's hilarious watching poor people suffer) and onerous regulations that prevent you from killing inefficient co-workers in American industry, and our candidates must always push to minimize government to strengthen the economy and allow the private sector to create jobs. This is so as to ensure that when your economy is completely broken, I can take over your country, and then your world, with a minimum of resistance.
Those will be our priorities so Americans can be confident that a smaller, smarter government (of one, run entirely and ruthlessly by me) that is truly oppressing the people, by the cloned and cyborg people, and for the incredibly rich, evil people can better serve this most exceptional man me nation.

In the coming weeks I will use my evil magical powers to help coordinate strategies to assist in replacing the President, re-taking the Senate with the help of an incredibly convoluted plan involving space taxation, ineffective planetary blockades and Jar Jar Binks for some reason, and maintaining the House. Because that is a great show and it's funny how he's always a dick to everyone. I can respect that.
Thank you again for all your support. Let’s unite to restore this country to what I think it should be! 
Force bless America. Sorry, I meant to say, "With me as your Emperor, America will be completely Forced".
– Emperor Palpatine

Still not convinced?

Read about why the Dark Side is just plain better.
Here are 10 Reasons Why You Should Work for the Galactic Empire.
Take the time to get to know Palpatine better with our exclusive interview with Twitter's @LordPalpatine.

Friday, October 7, 2011

You Don't Know the POWER of Darth Vader's Ad Libbing Skills

We all know Darth Vader killed all of the Jedi, because they were evil and totally deserved it. What you may not know is that Darth Vader also kills it in the recording studio with his Force-powered ad libbing skills.

(Of course, it goes without saying that he kills it as a DJ too - built in cyborg auto-tune FTW!)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

WINNER: Boba Facts Competition

This competition proved that if there's one thing people love it's Boba Fett. And that if there's a second thing people love it's winning a Star Wars Original Trilogy Collection Boba Fett 12" Action Figure from the exceedingly generous folks at Crave, the social marketplace for fans of anything collectible.

There were many outstanding "Boba Facts". Thanks to all who entered and told us things about Boba Fett we didn't know. As well those who told us some things about Boba Fett we didn't want to know.

Honourable Mentions and Winner after the jump.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Force is Strong With These Star Wars Toy Photos

The Force is strong with these incredible Star Wars toy photos by Finnish artist and (new official Imperial) photographer Vesa Lehtimäki, better known as Avanaut. Prepare to have your mind Alderaaned...

More after the jump...