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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Is Luke Skywalker REALLY the 99%?

As the "Occupy" movement sweeps the Galaxy, more and more people are coming forward to speak out against "corporate greed", "political corruption", "enslaving" people to make gigantic "Doomsday weapons" (we prefer "Liberty cannons that shoot freedom beams"), and the Empire "unfairly" blowing up people's planets. But who are these people really and where exactly do they come from?

The photo shown below, just released by the Rebellion's militant "Occupy, then blow up, the Death Star" faction, finally allows us to put a face and a name to the leadership behind the movement.


Skywalker, 19, an unemployed home schooled former apprentice moisture farmer, claims to have lived an "unglamorous" life working on his uncle's farm until his family were "unjustly murdered" and "the farm destroyed" by the "greedy, corrupt establishment."

Let's take a look at how accurate Luke Skywalker's claims REALLY are.

Let's start with the whole "steady" living thing. A "steady" living? Really? Luke's adopted parents OWNED A MOISTURE FARM, which means they create and sell the ONE resource on a desert planet that everyone needs. Owen and Beru Lars might have seemed like simple farmers eking out a difficult existence in harsh conditions, but the reality is they probably made a fortune gouging the natives of credits by hiking water prices whenever they feel like it. Remember how you used to pay $1.50 for a bottle of water but now it's $4 for no reason whatsoever? Blame Owen and Beru.

Now, we're not saying working on the land isn't difficult. Unless of course you had, say, some sort of automated mechanical equipment to help you speed up the process and do the really hard work for you. Maybe, like, some form of ROBOT SLAVE, PERHAPS?!


Luke used and abused countless droids, using RESTRAINING BOLTS to FORCE them do his dirty work for him and cater to his every whim. Life must be really hard when you can order a small army of robots to do your chores for you.

But Tatooine's a hot, dry planet. Surely it must still have been difficult for poor old Luke to live there, right? Nobody wants to live in a desert! Maybe not a NORMAL desert, but this one has pod races, home delivered Slave Girls on Sail Barges, and poor Wildlife Protection and Animal Cruelty monitoring, so you can bullseye all the Womp Rats you like.

Not to mention Luke had a FRIGGING CONVERTIBLE HOVER CAR to drive around in. How many poor people do YOU know that get around in one of those?


Also, did you know Luke's sister is a PRINCESS? A genuine, honest-to-Midichlorians Princess, who grew up in the Aldera Royal Palace with handmaidens and elocution lessons and probably tennis matches and iced mint julips.

What? This picture is totally relevant.

And while we're on the subject of Luke's connection to royalty, did you know his mum was a QUEEN? She dressed like this. It takes 86 attendants just to get that headdress on.


She drove this.


You know what this is? YOU call it a palace. SHE called it "Tuesday house".



Of course, we haven't even mentioned the fact that Luke was born with one in eight billion TOTALLY AWESOME MAGIC POWERS. How many of YOUR friends can levitate things with the power of their mind, make weak minded people believe whatever they want, or do sweet standing jumps with a quadruple forward somersault? NONE.

And even if you did, bet your ass that friend would have a viral hit on Youtube, a New York Times Bestselling Biography and a multimillion dollar TV deal inside of a week. It's not our oppressive totalitarian government's fault that Luke is incredibly dumb.


Oh, in case you weren't aware, having awesome magic Force powers also means Luke OWNS A FRIGGING LIGHTSABER. Seriously, who wouldn't sell their own mother into a life of indentured servitude just to own one of those bad boys? As if having your own laser sword isn't enough, Luke also has a BAD ASS CYBORG HAND, courtesy of his amazing dad. Read about the benefits here.


Finally, Luke was personally trained by, arguably, two of the greatest Jedi of all time. Have YOU ever paid for your kid's tutoring before? It costs a BUTTLOAD. NOW multiply that by about 40,000 because he's not just being tutored by some know-it-all college kid, Luke received one-on-one training with FIELD LEADING EXPERTS.


In conclusion, is Luke Skywalker REALLY the 99%? You've got to be Sithing us. He's about as 1% as it's possible to be. He couldn't be more 1% if he lived in a giant caviar-fuelled diamond monocle wearing robot made of gold named Perciville Ashbottom Hogsmythe III. We can only assume that the rest of the so-called 99% are in a similar position.


Thanks to @Rubinreport for the tip. Sometimes a favourite turns into a blog post.

To find out more completely valid reasons to hate Luke Skywalker, read our "10 Things We Hate About Luke" post.

6 comments:

  1. I love these posts! Thanks for the laugh :) I had to share on Twitter.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. To put things in perspective. Sure, Luke may have had relations that were priveleged royalty, but reality is that his Queen Mother died in labor and both he and his sister were separated and he was placed in the care of his "uncle and aunt" to whom he had no blood relations. Owen's father OWNED Luke's paternal grandmother, therefore making Luke something of an indentured servant to the Lars family.

    Luke had no access to wealth or even a standard school education; that would only add to his debt to the Lars family. All he knew was repairing vaporators, eradicating vermin, keeping hostile locals off the property and maintaining machinery that was secondhand-purchased from nomadic traders. He was sometimes allowed to drive the Lars family speeder (which was an older model for which there was no longer any demand) to attend to farm business.

    Luke needed to stay on the farm after his freedom had been earned to have enough to go to the Imperial Academy, like his friends, possibly actual SONS of farmers. He would have followed that path to becoming a productive member of society and most likely forgetting his grudge toward the totalitarian regime.

    Only after his caretakers had been murdered had he become radicalized. He was met with a charismatic cleric who bestowed upon him a lightsaber, which he claimed was willed to him by his dead father (the guy probably kept a chest full of these things to give to neophytes.) But what good is a lightsaber? It affords one no access to anything, except probably a FINE for possessing an unregistered weapon; that was only a trinket to entice him into following said charismatic cleric to join a cult whose sun was setting.

    Which brings Luke to getting indoctrinated into a terrorist organization, training camp (where he learned how to construct his own lightsaber,) and then making on his own assassination attempt on an ELECTED head of state.

    All these things could have been avoided had the EMPIRE enacted a HEARTS & MINDS campaign to work with locals to resolve disputes, rather than a SCORCHED EARTH policy. Had the Lars couple been allowed to cooperate to return the droids to the authorities, Luke would have finished another season at the farm to earn his way to the Imperial Academy, trained to be a space pilot and made a contribution to society by joining the Imperial Navy or flying freighters full of materials, goods or passengers and probably never even seeing a lightsaber.

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  4. @Lexcade - Much appreciated!

    @Rigel - Your arguments are incredibly well thought out, interesting and effectively negate most of the points we raised, and are therefore completely and utterly wrong.

    Remember Rigel, he who owns the Death Star writes the history books.

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