10 Rules We Can Learn About Dating From Star Wars

Star Wars can teach us valuable life lessons on just about all facets of human existence. But what lessons can we learn about dating from the holy texts? Let's find out as the Death Star PR team tell you the 10 Rules We Can Learn About Dating from Star Wars.




10. Lavish her with gifts and attention

 
You have to give it to the Ewoks. They may be feral teddy bears with a taste for human flesh but they still do one thing right: gifts! Princesses come around once in a blue that's no moon, so if you get a shot at one, you take it. So share your local delicacies with her, braid her hair, and above all, be sure to make her the guest at a feast in honour of your shiny new God. Maybe don't offer her boyfriend and brother as the main course, though. Eh. Your call.

9. Use smooth pick-up lines

Fact: everybody likes a good pick-up line. Scientific fact: an ultra-smooth opener can take you rocketing past outright disdain and revulsion to torrid lovemaking session in a matter of seconds. Now, admittedly we can't all be as smooth as the Chosen One, Anakin Skywalker, but here are some of his classics to inspire you in your quest for love, annotated with Padme's thoughts for your benefit:

"I don't like sand [Where is he going with this?]. It's coarse [True] and rough [Also true] and irritating [Nailed it again!] and it gets everywhere [Wow, this guy's life observations are spot on, he really sees into the inner workings of the universe and possibly my very soul]. Not like here [What's that? I'm still thinking about your incredibly accurate sand observatio--]. Here everything is soft and smooth [Oh snap! I see what you did there! Kudos, sir]."

"The thought of not being with you - I can't breathe [Maybe it's asthma, or... ?]. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me [Blaming me for the way you feel right now makes me feel like you're truly ready for the trials and tribulations of a mature relationship]. My heart is beating [Phew! That's a relief]... hoping that kiss will not become a scar [Your use of highly overwrought mixed metaphors is incredibly confusing... confusingly SEXY, that is]. You are in my very soul, tormenting me [You've probably got a point about the whole soul tormenting thing, I AM pretty sexy in my insanely large headdresses, etc. Let's make out]."

"One day I will become the greatest Jedi EVER [Wow, for reals?! That sounds pretty great!]! I will even learn how to stop people from dying [Whoa. Seriously? Wow. Your outrageously grandiose yet simultaneously extremely petulant ramblings turn me on like nothing else]."

8. Choose a good Wingman

A wingman's job is simple: when you hit the nearest cantina in the hope of meeting strange and exotic people aliens things of the opposite sex, your Wingman's job is to make you look good, steer you clear of any danger and help you avoid being shot down in the process. Bottom line: you need someone who's got your back, not some douche in a mustache and a cape who's going to go behind it as soon as they can and take a swing at your Princess.

7. Probably don't keep your relationship a secret

The Star Wars prequel trilogy takes great pains to tell us one thing over and over again: computer generated imagery is WAY better and more exciting than humans. But one other thing the prequels show us is that keeping a relationship secret can tear you up inside, leading to jealousy, resentment, misunderstanding and the occasional regrettable Force choking.

6. Get a dog

If you're worried that you're just not roguishly handsome enough to get the girl under your own steam, fear not, you just need a love prop. A conversational MacGuffin, if you will. Something irresistibly cute that will disable the logical side of your target's brain, thereby preventing them from asking all the typical questions they'd normally ask upon seeing you, like, "Why is that guy staring at me like he's considering what it would be like to wear my skin to the mall?" Your Love Prop is guaranteed to tractor beam your unsuspecting victims unwitting prey future Mr./Mrs. right into your waiting arms. Note: you will need a dog. Or a kitten. Or, obviously, a Wookiee. You can get those over the internet these days, right?

5. Always do a thorough background test

You know what sucks? Finding out embarrassing details about your prospective partner's past, like they used to train toy poodles for dog shows, OR that they're your sister. And the really crappy part is, this almost always happens at the worst possible time, like AFTER you've hooked up with them. So learn from the Skywalker's mistakes: always do a thorough background test first.

Seriously, we cannot stress enough how important this one is. Do it. Do it now.

4. Treat 'em mean

"Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen." The Star Wars movies are VERY clear on this. Literally the best way you can find a partner in this mixed up, crazy galaxy of ours is to be a complete and utter jerk to the person you're madly in love with. Constantly call her names she hates, like "Princess", or "Little Champy". Act like you don't care if she kisses another guy who may or may not be her brother. Whatevs, brosefina! And when she FINALLY admits her feelings and tells you she loves you, MERCILESSLY CRUSH THE LAST REMNANTS OF HER SOUL AND SELF-CONFIDENCE WITH A TOTALLY DOUCHEY, "I know".

3. Pay attention to the warning signs

This one goes out to all the ladies. We know you love a bad boy and far be it from us to argue (did we mention that we blow up planets for a living?) but there usually comes a point in a relationship when the cons start outweighing the pros. Although it can be tough picking the warning signs, usually his eyes starting to glow yellow and/or an increase in the frequency of loving Force chokes are good indications that your relationship is about to take a turn for the worse. Get out. Now.

2. If you love someone, set them free

And by this, we mean very literally, under no circumstances should you slap a gold bikini on a girl and keep her chained to you at the neck. Even if she seems really nice and her hair smells pretty. Because whilst this will keep her around in the short term, she will only grow to resent you as you turn into a fat, immobile slug in front of the TV/Rancor Pit, and one day her friends will drop by and blow up your palace whilst she chokes you to death with her own Slave Girl chain™. Which, let's face it, isn't a GREAT Saturday.

1. Once you've got a girl, never, ever let her go

Because the Star Wars documentaries make one thing exceedingly clear, guys - there are literally five women in the entire universe. Two of them are Princesses who are WAY out of your league, one of them is your sister anyway, and the other three are probably some sort of weird alien singer named Sy Snoodles who looks disturbingly like Lindsay Lohan. Bottom line, dudes: for Force sake, hang on to her.

10 Totally Justifiable Reasons For Murdering Someone This Christmas

Christmas is a time when people remember that 2,000 years ago a mystical invisible old bearded guy living in the sky knocked up some lady with a magic baby in order to save mankind because a few thousand years before that an evil talking snake made some other lady eat an apple, which she wasn't allowed to eat for some reason even though it was in her garden.

Sadly, the true meaning of whatever that probably touching and definitely 100% factual story was about has been lost to us. Now Christmas is a time when people spend more money than they have buying presents for people they don't really know in the hope of pacifying them into going a day without making a racist/judgmental/ignorant comment that will inevitably lead to the outbreak of World War III.



Of course, there's another option besides gifts for silencing annoying people: murder. Without further ado, here are the TEN totally justifiable reasons to kill someone this Christmas:

10. Being stuck on a queue for an hour and a half just to buy ONE THING.
9. Finding out they just sold out of the one present you hoped would fill the void in your child's life left by your failures as a parent.
8. The fact that that no one, anywhere, is exhibiting anything even vaguely approximating "Holiday cheer".
7. Realising that all of your beloved childhood Christmas specials are nothing more than thinly-disguised product placement.
6. Being condescendingly asked by that relative you hardly know but know you hate why you haven't changed jobs/got a boyfriend/made something of your life yet... even though they haven't done any of those things themself.
5. Because that "elf" at the shopping centre had to be put down for it's own overly-psychotically-happy good.
4. Getting absolutely none of the presents you wanted. Or asked for. For the fifth year in a row.
3. Seeing the Christmas decorations go up at the local shopping centre. In September.
2. Hearing "Jingle Bells Rock" for the 472nd time.

1. Being kept awake FOR 17 STRAIGHT NIGHTS by the INCESSANT flashing of your STUPID OVERLY KEEN next door neighbour's Christmas lights.

Top 10 Tips for Succeeding in Business

Forget harnessing your "true you" or undertaking a 47 Step Journey to Personal Power. Death Star PR shares the 10 best no nonsense ways to fast track your business career.


10. Suck up to your boss at every available opportunity. Free sports tickets are a good start. Unsolicited back rubs are not.
9. Develop similar interests to those in power, e.g. golf, boating, masochism.


8. Do not hesitate to sell out your friends and co-workers if it will advance your career prospects. They will forgive you/not be able to bring it up without fear of being fired once you become their superior.
7. Avoid actual loyalty to your company at all costs. If the ship ever goes down, be the first on the lifeboat.
6. Don't be afraid to steal credit for other people's ideas. If they were smarter, they would have already told somebody about it by now.
5. Use stair/other miscellaneous workplace "accidents" to your advantage. They can't fight for that promotion if they're fighting for their life in hospital!
4. If confronted with a question outside of your field of expertise (i.e. sports, Farmville, being creepy to female employees), use corporate jargon until the questioner goes away. New words work best, e.g. "Insynergization" and "Progressvitate".
3. Spread rumours about workplace rivals, the wilder and more sexually suggestive the better. Then watch as people turn against them out of jealousy or disgust.
2. Whenever possible, get somebody else to do your work for you. This is called "delegating" and is an essential skill of upper management. You really think anybody important ever got to where they are by wasting time getting anything for themselves?
1. It's not what you know or who you know, it's what you know about who you know. Blackmail is the bullet train of promotion.

Final Note: If you need to buy a "Self Help" book, you are not, in actual fact, helping yourself. Now stop being such a loser and get out there and hospitalize someone!

Twitter's 8 Greatest Supervillains

Whilst we were flattered by TIME Magazine's decision to honour Darth Vader as one of the "Top 5 Twitter Accounts Filled With Evil Genius", we were equally disturbed to see a secretary and a superhero make the same list.

It's time to set things right. I mean, an evil secretary? Come on. You can do better than that. Here are the top eight actual supervillains you need to follow right now. Seriously, if you ever want to see your [Circle appropriate: hamster/chocolate bar/husband] again, you'd better do it.
 

1. Darth Vader
The most iconic hero of this or any other age, the original man in black, Lord Vader sometimes takes time out from his busy schedule to tweet about the latest happenings in the Galaxy Far, Far Away. 
SAMPLE: "Just rolled over & hit the fire button instead of snooze. Right now millions of people are wishing I had gone to bed earlier."



 
2. Lord Voldemort
A lot of you know He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed as the guy who hates Harry Potter. What you might not know is that he also hates other things too, like bad grammar, Kanye West and... well, people generally.
SAMPLE: "For those watching the meteor shower tonight, if you happen to see a Dark Mark in the sky don't panic. Haha I'm kidding, definitely Panic."


3. Stewie Griffin
So much evil in such a small body, Stewie is the original Terror Baby.
SAMPLE: "Whenever Meg feels depressed I always lend a hand. A backhand."



4. Cobra Commander
CC is a busy man. Between social functions and trying to take over the world, it's amazing he has any time to tweet at all. What a guy.
SAMPLE: "Aghhhh it's so hot outside. The hood was a bad choice."
 

5. BP Global PR
Not a supervillain, you say? We don't see any other evil organisations trying as hard to destroy your planet at the moment, do you?
SAMPLE: "They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. We like pelicans and dolphins better already. #bpcares #doesntapplytowives"


6. Emperor Palpatine
The boss. Easily the funniest person on Twitter who would kill us in a heartbeat if we didn't say nice things about him.
SAMPLE: I see @darthvader is complaining about my Farmville addiction again. At least I don't have Crazy Frog playing in my helmet all day.

7. The Joker
Gotham's Clown Prince of Crime is all about the jokes. And the occasional murder.
SAMPLE: I love it when people put their heart into things, but I love it much more when I put peoples hearts into things, like meat grinders!!

  


8. Depressed Darth
This is Vader after hours, after the cameras have stopped rolling and after quite a few drinks. Like, a lot.
SAMPLE: Supposedly, after Obi-Wan killed Darth Maul he sent an email to Palpatine saying "there's a sale at the maul, everything is half off."

Who's Da(rth) Boss?

 
Okay, yes, our boss is a massive douchebag and probable Sith Lord but, let's be honest, whose boss ISN'T?


We've all thought it every now and then - "My boss is an evil dick!" Yes, yes s/he is. But just HOW evil is s/he? Here are the Top 10 ways you can tell your boss may be a Sith Lord:



10. He runs a merciless, galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime, e.g. McDonalds, Nazi Germany.
9. His words say, "Hello" but his eyes say, "Who are you and how can I make money from killing you?"
8. She keeps scheduling staff meetings on Friday afternoons.
7. He balls you out for checking personal emails at work... but is constantly updating his Twitter and Facebook.
6. He always just appears the second anyone mentions his name.
5. She says things like "bandwidth", "value adding" &"incentivized synergization", expecting you to know what they mean.
4. She wrote a book about vampires without fangs who sparkle in sunlight... and inexplicably made millions of dollars from it.
3. Everyone at your workplace has really cool matching uniforms, special salutes and professes a fear of "other" people... you know, "them". 
2. He keeps eating your food from the fridge... despite the very passive-aggressive notes you leave on it. 
1. Force choke-related injuries are up 147% on last quarter.