Lord Voldemort: Behind the Basilisk

With the Deathly Hallows Part 2 due to hit cinemas on July 13^th, the impending death of Harry Potter to celebrate and the total domination of the world to plan for, Twitter’s one and only Lord Voldemort is one very busy evil wizard.

Thankfully, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed” found the time to answer a few of Death Star PR’s questions about eternal life, taking over the universe and everything.

DSPR: Firstly, congratulations on being the first “fictional” character to pass 1 million Twitter followers. How does one celebrate such a momentous milestone?

LV: I would tell you but the celebration is revealed only to those who make it to this momentous milestone. Yes, Gaga, Britney, Bieber, NASA & I are all in the know about this secret. Like I said, I’d share; but horrible things tend to happen to people who try and enter my chamber of secrets when they shouldn’t...

DSPR: Speaking of Lady Gaga, she dresses crazier than Bellatrix Lestrange and calls herself “Mother Monster”, and Charlie Sheen recently claimed he was the world’s most powerful warlock. Are today’s celebrities just trying to ride on your cloaktails?
LV: It’s upsetting to me that people feel they can leech off of my fame. I know a thing or two about living off of someone else; I did live in Quirrel’s head.  Let me tell you; while unicorn blood is refreshing and quenches your near-death thirst, there is nothing better than living on your own. (Unless it’s seven of you living on your own in various places of course). These people need to find their own thing. Look at Cedric Diggory. He realized being yet another whiny, wizard, git didn’t work for him so he took up sparkling. Do I advise this route? No. But to each his own.

DSPR: People see your movie star good looks, plush velour bathrobes, exotic pets and all the other trappings of superstardom, and forget that you’re a self-made man. Has the road to success been an easy one for you?

LV: The road to my success was neither easy nor hard… it was non-existent. You don’t need a road to success when you can apparate to success; or, better yet, fly.

 

DSPR: Dumbledore was the yin to your yang, the beard to your clean-shaven look, the dead to your still alive. Are there any positives you can take out of that relationship now that he’s gone?

LV: Well, as you stated, Dumbledore and I were opposites. I plan on continuing our yin-yang relationship & fully embracing the being alive to his dead.

DSPR: Speaking of Dumbledore’s demise, it seems like Severus Snape has finally made himself useful. What are the best and worst things about having henchmen?

LV: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Dumbledore…. well Dumbledore never fully embraced the whole “henchman-are-useful” mentality. I like to think of them less as “henchmen” and more “evil groupies”.  I’d say the best thing about having Henchmen is the loyalty. You know, people like Wormtail are literally willing to give their right arm to serve me. Snape? Well that’s the kind of guy who would never, ever stab me in the back. I mean, there’s a better chance that Hagrid would become a professor than Snape betraying me. As if that would ever happen. The worst thing is that I started some kind of weird trend. Now every group feels the need to “name” themselves. It’s worse than the asinine “couple-naming” that people do.  My name is already ridiculous enough, I don’t need you adding to it. Now there are “Beliebers,” “Little Monsters,” “Smilers.” I think they should all group themselves together and form a new group. We can call them ‘dead’.

DSPR: Just between us, can you share any “Deathly Hallows Part 2” spoilers with us? Is that Harry kid finally going to get what he deserves?

LV: I think you’ll be surprised by the ending. They haven’t let me see it yet but I’ve been promised that it would be completely different than this “book” ending. One that reflects what REALLY happened. As you know from my previous interview, that “JK Rowling” character got into a bit of a tiff with me when I refused her advances. Suddenly I was “evil,” “couldn’t love” and she refused to even speak my name. Drama-queen. She really crucioed my patience so I’ve been promised that this will be a more accurate reflection of a wizard who knows how to make magic and loves playing with his snake. Wait…

DSPR: Between Harry “The Boy Who Lived” Potter being famous just for not dying and the cast of Jersey Shore being famous for being stupid, does it ever surprise you that there are still people out there who don’t want you to take over the world?

LV: It does. It really does. I mean, can anybody get famous nowadays? What happened to the good old days where you DIDN’T want people to say your name? I go around helpfully killing off stupidity faster than Bella Swan can kill someone’s patience and all I get is complaining.

DSPR: When it comes to magic, is it the materials of your wand or how you use it?
LV: I mean, my wand is thirteen inches. I don’t need felix felicis to get “lucky” if you know what I’m saying. That being said, it’s definitely about how you use your wand but when I meet a special lady I’ll let her see what’s inside it…

DSPR: With the occasional attempted avada kedavraing of unaccompanied minors and assorted Muggles, wizards, etc, you’ve developed something of a “bad boy” reputation. Is that a fair assessment?

LV: Listen, I speak the truth (as well as sarcasm and parseltongue) and if that makes me “bad” then so be it. However, I can never be a bad “boy” as I’m not a boy. Really, if you think about it, I’m teaching a valuable lesson. Don’t want to be killed? Don’t suck. It’s as simple as that.

DSPR: Finally, you mentioned you speak parseltongue. Out of curiousity, do snake’s have anything interesting to say?

LV: My snake has a lot of interesting things to say. Ladies, if you’d like to know more, I’d be happy to introduce you some time.

DSPR: Lord Voldemort, it’s been an absolute pleasure talking to you. Thank you for allowing us to enter your chamber of secrets once again.

Click here to read our first exclusive "Behind the Wand" interview with Lord Voldemort. 

DRUNKHULK: Behind the Bottle

Incredible, angry, inebriated, Twitter’s Drunk Hulk is many things to many people but with 70,000 followers, one thing’s for sure: he’s inarguably one of the best reasons to be on Twitter. Death Star PR speaks to the tragically misunderstood loner, who, yes, occasionally has a few anger management issues, to discover the secret to his success.

DSPR: Drunk Hulk, thank you for agreeing to shout at us. A lot of superheroes have yet to embrace social media. Why did you start tweeting?
DH: DRUNK HULK BEEN DO IT FOR YEARS ON BATHROOM WALL! BUT DRUNK HULK REALIZE THAT SOME PEOPLES NO USE BATHROOM! SO DRUNK HULK THINK IT TIME REACH OUT TO NEW AUDIENCE!

DSPR: You’re always up to date with current events and pop culture. How do you manage to stay so drunk yet keep your giant green finger on the pulse?

DH: DRUNK HULK TAKE IT TO STREET! DRUNK HULK OUT THERE WITH PEOPLES!

OTHER THAN THAT! DRUNK HULK READ LOT! FOR INSTANCE! DRUNK HULK JUST READ STORY ABOUT GIRL WHO SLEEP WITH TIGER! BIG DEAL! DRUNK HULK SLEEP WITH COUGAR ALL TIME AND YOU NO SEE DRUNK HULK BRAG ABOUT IT!

ALSO READ ABOUT HOW SCIENTIST WORRY ABOUT THIRD HAND SMOKE! HOLY CRAP! HOW MANY HAND DO SMOKE HAVE!?

DSPR: We just heard about the Oscars. Apparently they have disappointingly little to do with being a cranky garbage monster. Care to explain them to someone from outer space?

DH: HELLO OUTER SPACE ALIEN THING! SINCE YOU JUST GET HERE ON PLANET EARTH! IT IMPORTANT THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OSCAR! BECAUSE EARTH LAW AND CUSTOM NO IMPORTANT WHEN COMPARE TO OSCAR!

BY THIS POINT! DRUNK HULK HOPE OUTER SPACE ALIEN THING DESTROY HUMANITY!

DSPR: Any tips on winners? We need to know who to put our Galactic credits on.

DH: LET REVIEW NOMINATION!

THE FIGHTER! THE KING'S SPEECH! WOW! TWO UNDERDOG STORY ABOUT HOW BROTHER DO NOTHING BUT DRAG YOU DOWN! IF DRUNK HULK WANT SEE THIS STORY! DRUNK HULK READ ABOUT ALEC BALDWIN!

TRUE GRIT! LISTEN OSCAR! DRUNK HULK KNOW IT HABIT! BUT JUST BECAUSE COEN BROTHER MAKE MOVIE! NO MEAN YOU GOT NOMINATE IT!

INCEPTION! DRUNK HULK LIKE THIS MOVIE! BECAUSE DRUNK HULK SEE SOMETHING NO EVER SEE BEFORE! LIKE PART WHERE CHARACTER ENTER GIANT PLOT HOLE INSIDE GIANT PLOT HOLE INSIDE GIANT PLOT HOLE! IT LIKE JOE ESZTERHAS AND M.C. ESCHER MAKE MOVIE TOGETHER!

BLACK SWAN! DRUNK HULK WAIT LONG TIME FOR GOOD DARIO ARGENTO MOVIE! SAD PART IS! ARGENTO NO MAKE IT!

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT! REALLY! WITH THAT SPOILER IN TITLE! WHY DRUNK HULK CARE TO SEE THIS!?

127 HOURS! FOR SERIOUS! WHO GOT TIME TO WATCH MOVIE THAT LONG!? DANNY BOYLE NEED EDITOR!

THE SOCIAL NETWORK! DRUNK HULK WORRY BOOKFACE MAKER GET REVENGE! AND USE BOOKFACE DATA TO MAKE MOVIE ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE ON PLANET!

TOY STORY 3! HEY KID! YOU NO OLD ENOUGH WATCH SCHINDLER LIST!? THAT OKAY! PIXAR REMAKE IT WITH TOY JUST FOR YOU!

WINTER'S BONE! MORE LIKE WINTER BORE! HA!

DSPR: Having had a TV show, two films and countless comic books chronicling your adventures, you’re no stranger to celebrity. How do you cope with fame?

DH: THAT EASY!

FAME! DRUNK HULK LIVE FOREVER! DRUNK HULK LEARN HOW FLY! HIGH! DRUNK HULK FEEL IT COME TOGETHER! PEOPLES SEE DRUNK HULK AND CRY! FAME!   

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!

This brilliant cartoon was drawn by BECK. For it and many others based on Twitter wit, go spend a few hours on his blog: http://newtoonsontheblog.info/

DSPR: As a green-skinned, 7’6”, 1,150lbs monster with a drinking problem, the media often portray you as a bit of an ogre. Is there more to Drunk Hulk than meets the eye?

DH: HOLY CRAP! DRUNK HULK WEIGH THAT MUCH!? HOW COME NO ONE TELL DRUNK HULK!? AND NOW EVERY ONE KNOW BECAUSE OF YOU! THIS IS WORST INTERVIEW EVER!

IS THERE MORE TO DRUNK HULK THAN MEET EYE!? YEAH! APPARENTLY DRUNK HULK SO HUGE THAT NOW NEED SPECIAL AMBULANCE TO GO TO HOSPITAL!

WHAT BUMMER! DRUNK HULK ABOUT 50 POUND AWAY FROM BE VICTIM ON MAURY POVICH SHOW!

DSPR: Complete this sentence: “The angrier Hulk gets, the stronger he gets. The drunker Hulk gets…”

DH: APPARENTLY! MORE FOLLOWER DRUNK HULK GET!

DSPR: So, what’s next for Drunk Hulk? A book deal? Repelling a Skrull invasion? More beer?

DH: DRUNK HULK GOT BOOK DEAL! IT WAS BUY ONE BOOK GET SECOND FREE!

OTHER THAN THAT! SAME OLD! SAME OLD!

DSPR: Finally, at the risk of being thrown in to outer space, we have to ask… how do you tweet with such gigantic fingers?

DH: VERY! VERY CAREFUL LIKE!

DSPR: Drunk Hulk, thank you for your time and for not being so drunk you couldn’t answer our questions.

Follow @DrunkHulk and check out the man behind the monster’s blog at http://www.puffchrissy.com/.

Sithmas Greetings from the Empire

Sithmas is a magical time of year in the Galaxy far, far away. It's snowing outside, which is great for temporarily hiding/preserving bodies, and inside, families gather around a blazing hearth to exchange gifts, eat roast Ewok and pretend not to hate each other.

To celebrate the very murdery festive season, Death Star PR asks Twitter's, and the Galaxy's, leading Imperials to share their thoughts on Sithmas [Click their name to go to the Twitter feed. If you aren't following them all, you're wasting your life. Well, wasting it more.]

Depressed Darth

Who gives the best Sithmas gifts?
One year, Lord Palpatine gave me a framed picture of Alderaan exploding.  It was a nice sentiment and even though I threw him down that shaft; I sometimes miss him around the holidays.  Another year, General Grievous gave me a Swedish massage.  You haven’t relaxed until you’ve gotten a massage from a four handed Sith robot.

What is the true meaning of Sithmas?
People usually say spending time with your family, but my relationship with my family is a little strained, so I’d say it’s more about getting out there and spreading the Sithmas spirit.  I like to sing Sithmas carols.  My favorite that always pleases my boss goes like this:

Here comes Sidious
Here comes Sidious
Right down Sidious lane.
Lightsabers beaming, Jedi screaming
Don’t stop us or put up a fight
So follow your fear, the dark side is near
Cause Darth is comin tonight!

              
How do you celebrate Sithmas?
I like to decorate my apartment by hanging red and green lightsabers from all of the Jedi I’ve killed.  I’ll usually have a plump holiday Ewok roasting in the oven that goes great with some mint jelly.  Nothing says Sithmas like the thought of slain Jedi and the smell of roasted Ewok.

What's your secret Sithmas wish?
That some evil regime, possibly Iran or North Korea, decides to build a giant moon-sized super weapon and wants to hire someone to run the operations up there.  I have a lot of experience and they always say you learn more from failure than from success.

Sithmas Greetings Message:
Thank you all for being so bad this year, we’ve been watching.  We didn’t make a list or check it twice, but we’ve got probe droids, so we know where you live.

Lord Palpatine

Who gives the best Sithmas gifts?

Well, it's not Tarkin. Let's just say he keeps forgetting that not all of us are into shaved Ewoks.

If Vader gives me one more framed photo of him and Padmé, I'm going to have to choke a bi... Oh wait, he already took care of that.

A little known fact about me is that I give gifts to all the children in the Empire. Drums, to be precise. The parents hates it.

What is the true meaning of Sithmas?

The true meaning of Sithmas is spending time with your family, by the Death Star view ports, watching a planet blow up. In fact, forget about the family.

How do you celebrate Sithmas?

Planet-sized fireworks are a tradition, of course. My favorite thing to do on Sithmas is waking up in the morning, sneaking downstairs and electrocuting Bantha Claus as he tries to fly down the Death Star Exhaust port.

Sithmas Message to all of your loyal subjects:

Be unto others as you would have been if you knew nobody would find out about it.

General Veers   

What's the true meaning of Sithmas?
The true meaning of this wonderful holiday is that it's better to take rather than to give. For example as you are reading this, I have been slowly removing your wallet from your back pocket.


How do you celebrate Sithmas?
It all starts with picking the best Endor tree from the forest and then properly removing the pesky Ewok habitat from it. Then I decorate it by hanging an array of blue, green, and purple lightsabers on the tree. These can easily be attained by killing a Jedi or just by telling them that a woman wants to talk to them. They will become so frightened that they drop their weapon and run out of there as fast as Ackbar at a sushi restaurant.

Then there are the obligations like the annual work party. It’s very dull though, the clones seem adamant on talking about the same topic over and over again. Just dreadful. I got lucky last year for presents though. You see, I drew Luke and Vader’s names from the hat and only needed to buy 1 pair of gloves to complete the gift. Anyways, there’s the free AT-AT rides for the kids, that’s always fun. This year, I had to attach a plow to the back to make a little more money since they said I couldn’t give Sithmas backrubs as bonuses for female officers.

Finally, it’s a tradition on Sithmas Eve to leave out Aloe Vera cookies and prune juice on the fireplace for Vader and the Emperor respectively.
 

What's your secret Sithmas wish?
An increase in Imperial Management Force chokes (the only proper way to move up the ladder in this company), Stormtroopers that can aim, and more women. I mean at this point I would just take dudes with long hair… what? Uhm… nevermind.

Sithmas Greetings Message:
Merry Sithmas Galactic Citizens…. Oh yeah, and death to the Rebel Alliance.

Admiral Daala

Who gives the best Sithmas gifts?

Grand Moff Tarkin of course!!  He offered me another Star Destroyer this year but it's not like I'll ever need more than 4, right?

What is the true meaning of Sithmas?

Sithmas is a special time of year to help the Imperial economy by spending credits on a Vader bobble head or donating to the Death Star Fund, which helps to convert nonbelievers into understanding the true reason for the season by blowing up their planet.

Sithmas Greetings Message:

My friends,

We are living in a galaxy where Sithmas exists to better our societies; we don't need Jedi to sort out our differences and mete out justice.  This Sithmas we remember our citizens whose lives have been disrupted by the irrational acts of the Jedi.  As your Chief of State I promise to not let these things go unpunished.  This Sithmas we stand with you and your families and promise to make these rogues stand trial for their crimes. That is the true meaning of Sithmas and we will not rest until that meaning is fulfilled.

Thank you for your time,

Galactic Alliance Chief of State Natasi Daala

Boba Fett

Who gives the best Sithmas gifts?

Ewoks. They're so cute, kind and giving. They also taste great with BBQ sauce and a side of fries, while their fur can be used for Snuggies blankets. Ewoks: the gift that keeps on giving!

How do you celebrate Sithmas?

Jabba has an annual Sithmas function on his sail barge where  he "invites" those who have been naughty (haven't repaid or are behind in paying their financial loans to Jabba) to "enjoy" Sithmas with him. They then disembark the sail barge, where they re-enact the birth of The Emperor on a collapsible stage above the Sarlacc Pit. It's truly a touching tribute.

What's your secret Sithmas wish?

To include a sub-section clause which includes Ewoks in the Prime Directive of Order 66.

Sithmas Greetings Message:

Give to those who are less fortunate in life. Unless they're part of the Rebel Alliance. Then take down their details and give me a call.

Sith Sarcasm

Who gives the best Sithmas gifts?

The Jawas. They are the slaves of Bantha Claus building toys and droids for Sithlings across the galaxy from their factory on Hoth.

How do you celebrate Sithmas?

With lots of Ewok Nog and our favourite carols: "We Wish you a Merry Sithmas", "Frosty the Snow Wampa", "Joy To The Empire", "Sith Rest Ye Merry Stormtroopers", and "Darth Maul The Red-Faced Sith Lord."

Sithmas Greetings Message:

Bantha Claus is going to be putting lots of coal in your stocking this year, but only after you were sent to the Spice Mines of Kessel to dig it up yourself.

And, finally, from us here at Death Star PR:
"HAVE A VERY MURDERY SITHMAS, EVERYONE!'

"Let it Blow!" A Sithmas Carol

This delightful Sithmas carol was written by the General of the Thundering Herd AT-AT Squadron himself, General Veers. If you aren't following him on Twitter, you're doing it wrong.

Oh the weather on Hoth is frightful,
Echo Base on fire is so delightful,
Shield generator is about to go,
Let it Blow! Let it Blow! Let it Blow!

AT-AT’s show no signs of stopping,
And the sounds of Rebel heads a’ popping,
Their will to fight is almost done,
Let ‘em Run! Let ‘em Run! Let ‘em Run!

When I finally get off this rock,
Leavin' a glorious blaster storm,
Slip on a sock made of Ewok,
All the way, home I'll be warm!

Oh the taun tauns are slowly dying,
And soon, Vader and I’ll be high-fiving,
An Admiral soon I’ll be,
Let ‘em Flee! Let ‘em Flee! Let ‘em Flee!

Lord Voldemort: Behind the Wand

Twitter's Lord Voldemort: You know him as You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and the Dark Lord, but we like to think of him as “He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Blamed”; wizard of unparalleled magical ability, visionary, snake charmer, and conqueror of death itself. But what is the man behind the wand really like?
Death Star PR talks exclusively to the enigma wrapped in a mystery inside a box of secrets protected by a plethora of killing curses.

DSPR: You’ve come back from the dead (kudos) with a brand new, more streamlined, less nose-y look. Why the bold fashion statement?

LV: Well, as you know, Hollywood has a bit of a habit of bringing celebrities whose careers are dead back to life. I knew I needed a similar comeback. I tried shaving my head like Britney, but that didn’t work. I donned some crazy, drape like ensemble ala Gaga. Nothing. I was telling a whiny servant to stop being so damn nosey when all of a sudden it hit me.

DSPR: You have well over 400,000 Twitter followers now. Why do you think so many people love your off-the-cuff social commentary?
LV: Well, I like to think I have a rapport with my followers. My Twitter gives them access into, no pun intended, my chamber of secrets. Every one of my tweets is for them and is a window into my soul. Not literally, of course. It allows a one-on-one connection which is perfect for reminding them that I will crucio them into the next decade if they dare unfollow. Also, the ladies love a smooth talking badass with a, quite literally, killer tat.

DSPR: You’ve had a long, successful career in both the magic and entertainment industries, everyone knows your name (even if they’re too afraid to say it), and you have many insane…ly loyal followers. To what do you ascribe your great success?
LV: I guess you can say I’ve always had a way with tongues. I speak, people listen. Mainly because if they don’t I’d Avada Kedavra their asses faster than you could say ‘Edward Cullen was a Hufflepuff’. I also like to think of myself as the people’s malevolent dictator. I remember when I was living inside Quirrell’s head we got up to some fun hijinks. Business in the front, party in the back. That’s how I like to live my life. So what if those parties include general slaughter? You only live once. Unless you’re me, of course.

DSPR: Some people aren’t entirely convinced that you’re doing the world a favour by ridding it of all the Muggles. Are you?
LV: Who are these people? I want names! You know... to, uh, “gently and quietly” persuade them to see my line of thought. Cough. Yeah, uh. That’s it.

DSPR: There must be some great perks to being a wizard.What’s the best thing about being able to do magic?
LV: There’s only one way to describe magic and that’s: fanfuckingtastic. The other day I walked by some chick, magicked her skirt right up. That’s invigorating. I also enjoy the simple joys of turning off people’s alarm clocks and hiding only one of their socks. Plus I can fly. I. Can. Fly.

DSPR: The media has unfairly painted you as the “bad guy” for trying to kill Harry Potter. What’s the truth about Harry?
LV: I’m glad you asked this question. Just because I attacked a baby and violently slaughtered thousands, people seem to think I’m a bad guy. Listen muggles, there were probably tax collectors, phone solicitors and government officials somewhere in that hoard. Did you even think about that? No. Of course not; because you can’t see the bigger picture. As far as Harry goes, he’s a drama queen. Plain and simple. “Boo Hoo. Voldemort’s out to get me”. You know what his real issue was? He wanted more screen time and knew that I was taking away his spotlight with my natural charisma. It’s sad how some people let fame go to their head. One little incident, a BARELY noticeable scar and suddenly you’re a “muderder” and “evil”. I’m not even convinced I gave him the scar. I suspect the Potter’s simply were looking for a large cash settlement from a hard working individual. Tragic, really.

DSPR: Your ex-biographer, J.K. Rowling, has described you as a “raging psychopath, devoid of the normal responses to human suffering”. How do you respond to the haters?
LV: Oh, Rowling. She got her knickers in a twist after I turned down her advances. Listen, there are some ladies who talk to your snake and some who don’t if you know what I’m saying. After I rebuffed her things got cold. Suddenly I was the “crazy” one. Well, I’ve got 27 mysterious hang-up calls in a night and a very dodgy encounter in a restaurant bathroom to suggest otherwise. I mean; do I enjoy the pain and suffering of others? Sure. But honestly, who doesn’t? I don’t think wishing humanity’s downfall makes someone a psychopath. If anything, I’m an idealist.

DSPR: Teenagers always seem to be sticking their snotty noses in other people’s business and foiling carefully thought out plans for world domination. Do you have a message for the kids of today?
LV: Kids today need to learn to respect their elders. Be it of the wand variety or similar. They’re so preoccupied with their technology and meddling into other people’s lives in every way possible that they forget the simple fact that I could kick their whiny asses into the next century. With or without my wand. I’m very glad that I was never a teenager. I skipped right from birth to adult. You can do that when you achieve certain levels of evil.

DSPR: Everyone knows who you are but nobody knows about you. Describe the real You-Know-Who.
LV: What people don’t understand is that I do have a life apart from Potter. In fact, I have six. Or seven. I get a little hazy on the details. Anyway, I like collecting fine antiques & finding, um, creative uses for them. I used to advertise myself as a snake charmer before my number got put into some unsavoury ‘looking for’ ads and I’ve shied away from that.

DSPR: How do you unwind after a long day of killing people and making them fear for their lives for their own good?
LV: I’m a simple guy. I like to curl up with a nice glass of unicorn blood, a good spell book, my snake and plot out my next site of doom. People seem to think that I’m always angry, quite the contrary. Nothing brings me more joy than plotting mayhem and destruction. It is through chaos that we find order. I’m just the guy who brings that chaos.

DSPR: Finally, what does the future have in store for Lord Voldemort?
LV: Once I get my hands on that damn prophecy I’ll let you know. Only joking. I think you can expect a lot of sarcasm, my upcoming tell-all “Harry Potter: Putting the Horr-ible into Horcrux” and the desecration of all things sparkly in the near future.

DSPR: Lord Voldemort, it’s been a pleasure and an honour to survive a conversation with you. From the bottom of our black hearts, thank you for your time.

Darth Vader's Sithscriptions

Words by Death Star PR and Darth Vader.
Art by Scott Morton.

Here in the Death Star's PR Department, we field thousands of inquiries every day. Most of them are questions like, "Why are you doing this to me?" (We're doing it to everyone, quit being selfish) or, "How does it feel to be responsible for the deaths of billions of people?" (It always feels good and very grown up to be responsible for things).

But we also field more important questions like today's query from Flynn, 14, on Naboo, who asks, "What magazines does Darth Vader Sithscribe to?"

We posed the question to the Dark Lord of the Sith himself, Twitter's Darth Vader, who replied:

Unlike some evil despots who choose to seal themselves away in a media Force bubble, I like to stay apprised of the goings on within the Empire. I don't actually *read* the magazines I subscribe to, but the lackey who dictates them to me does a great job, especially with the sex quizzes and crossword puzzles. I'm looking forward to the day, very soon, when these periodicals are available as downloadable cu-mags (chest unit magazines) so I can get the digest version downloaded directly to my brain. Unfortunately when that happens my dictation lackey will be out of a job, and probably her life. C'est la Sith.

Here are the four magazines the Dictation Lackey assures us are Darth Vader's current favourites (click to enlarge):

 A favourite not only of Darth Vader but of all the staff on the Death Star.

Which has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Emperor Palpatine would destroy us with Force lightning if we said otherwise.

The Death Star is a big place. Finding your way around, as well as keeping tabs on all the latest goings on, used to be tough. Not anymore.

For some unknown reason the boss has always had a fondness of/extreme hatred for Tatooine.

To know your enemy's fashion trends is to know oneself.



These Star Wars magazine covers were created by sickeningly talented artist Scott Morton.
You can find them and loads of other great artwork at: http://scottwearspants.blogspot.com/

Facebook

In our ongoing effort to keep the Galaxy up-to-date on all the great things the Empire is doing for you, the people, you can now find the Death Star PR team on Facebook.

The Facebook page will have feature the "Best" of our Twitter updates, as well as notifications of blog updates and any Galactic Empire-related links worth sharing.

Go, minions. Join the page, tell your friends. Whoever signs the most people up gets a cookie.

Five (Mostly) Non-Evil Ways to Improve Twitter

On the day of Twitter's rollout of its new design, details of which can (kind of) be found here: http://twitter.com/newtwitter, the Death Star PR team put its minds to brainstorming a few ways to improve the tweeting experience:

1. "Best of" List - allow users to select a small number of tweets that best represent them (5? 10? 20?) and what their account is about. This would give other users the opportunity to decide very quickly if they think someone is worth following.
2. Conversation Stitch - allow users to "stitch" two or more timelines together so they can see a conversation in its entirety without having to flick between pages.
3. @Message Removal - give users a button that allows them to switch between viewing another person's page with or without messages directed to other users if they choose, thus making it easier to get past the personal chatter and on to the messages meant for general consumption.
4. Faster Scrolling - it would be fantastic if more messages could be viewed per page or scrolling down someone's page could be made speedier. The long wait between screen loads when you're going through past messages can be painful.
5. Embed a subliminal message that makes Justin Bieber, Twilight and Paris Hilton fans kill themselves. Okay fine, just the Bieber fans. Failing that, at least ban them all. Failing that... well, let's just say we don't need much of a reason to fire up the Death Star's main laser.

Oh, and Twitter? Next time you do an ad for your product, please: less supremely cool hipster lifestyle documentary, more actual content information.

So that's it. What do you think? Let us know in the comments below.

Darth Vader: Behind the Mask

Darth Vader: you know him as the Dark Lord of the Sith, He-Who-Brought-Balance-to-the-Force, Twitter royalty, hero to billions and perhaps the greatest icon of our time. But what is the man behind the mask behind the legend really like?

Death Star PR finds out.

DSPR: Lord Vader, thank you for taking the time to talk to us, we understand that you’re a very busy man.
DV: You may dispense with the pleasantries, PR lackey. I’ve just traced the rebels to their hidden base on Hoth. My skivvies are warming in the dryer as we speak. Fire away (no pun intended) before the buzzer sounds.

DSPR: You’ve taken to Twitter like a Jedi to failing. What do you enjoy most about interacting with your legions of fans?
DV: The chance to strike fear into the hearts of the denizens of this backwater little world one-on-one. There really is nothing like force-choking someone via a 140 character text message. The marriage proposals are nice too.

DSPR: Your fans number over 200,000. What do you put your popularity down to?
DV: I like to think it’s my unwavering commitment to the Dark Side, but the ladies know the real reason. The black leather, the heavy breathing, my command of the Force. I have these things in evil spades and they’re the same reason that girl you liked so much in high school didn’t give you the time of day. She was pining for Fonzie, while you were busy being Richie Cunningham.

DSPR: When you’re not tweeting or killing people how do you spend your time?
DV: I search the galaxy for my whiny-ass son, make back-room deals with turncoat scoundrels and do the occasional voice over work for CNN and TomTom to pay the bills.

DSPR: For some strange reason, some people seem to think of you as a bad guy. How do you respond to that kind of negativity?
DV: Just because I slaughtered all those Sand People and younglings people seem to think I’m this big baddie. Let me just say for the record they all had it coming, especially those lackey admirals that litter the floor around the Death Star cafeteria. It’s so hard to find good help these days.

DSPR: What do you think is the biggest misconception people have about you?
DV: People seem to think I do what I do out of anger, and let’s be honest, a lot of it I do. But what I’m really all about is simply bringing order to a chaotic galaxy. You have to have rules or society degenerates into a bunch of Mon Calamari with boom boxes on your lawn at 3am. All I’m doing is keeping the squid in their place, try and remember that.

DSPR: This question’s from Jake, 12, on Bespin, who asks, “What’s it like being the 2 I.C. of the Galactic Empire?”
DV: It’s pretty cushy, Jake. I get to work my own hours, hunt down Jedi dogs for fun and intimidate entire plants, like yours, into submission. Hope you’re enjoying the new tax on those Bespin Burgers I levied. Your dad just paid to have my cape cleaned and pressed. How does that feel?
DSPR: You wear so many hats, or should we say “helmets”. What aspect of your job do you enjoy the most?
DV: The inescapable fact that people love everything that comes out of my asthmatic mouth. Even the simplest words such as “What?!”, “Sister!” and my all-time favorite “NOOOooooooooo!” become legendary. It’s good to be me.

DSPR: What advice would you give to any young people out there with a dream in their eye and evil in their heart hoping to follow in your footsteps?
DV: Start small, a journey of a thousand dead rebels begins with one step. Bully a school mate into giving you his lunch money or take your friend’s football and go home. Work your way up by downloading songs and movies off bittorrent and before you know it, you’ll be my new Dark Apprentice.

DSPR: As someone who is an inspiration to others, who, or what, inspires you?
DV: Truth be told, Obi Wan used to inspire me a great deal. He was my master after all. I learned a great deal from him before he got all soft and holier than thou. I really didn’t blink a scarred eye when I sent him to join the Force. Nowadays I get lots of inspiration from this planet’s so-called ‘entertainment’. Between the Twilight saga and Jersey Shore there’s no shortage of evil in the world.

DSPR: Being the most powerful Force user in the Galaxy must be great. What’s the most fun thing you’ve used or abused the Force for?
DV: Mind tricks never get old. Let’s just say I never have to wait in lines at restaurants, sporting events or major theme parks. I’m like one big, evil Fast Pass.

DSPR: You’ve led a very full life. Any regrets?
DV: Just that whole force choking and accidentally killing Padmé thing. If I could go back, that entire incident could have gone a lot better I think. Yeah.

DSPR: Finally, tell us something about Darth Vader that most people wouldn’t know.
DV: Evil skivvies dry faster than normal. My shuttle awaits, and your time is up. This has been a pleasure and an honour for you, I know.
DSPR: That goes without saying, my Lord, but just in case not saying it would result in a Force Choke - it’s been a pleasure and an honour chatting with you, Lord Vader. Thank you for your time.

Twitter's 8 Greatest Supervillains

Whilst we were flattered by TIME Magazine's decision to honour Darth Vader as one of the "Top 5 Twitter Accounts Filled With Evil Genius", we were equally disturbed to see a secretary and a superhero make the same list.

It's time to set things right. I mean, an evil secretary? Come on. You can do better than that. Here are the top eight actual supervillains you need to follow right now. Seriously, if you ever want to see your [Circle appropriate: hamster/chocolate bar/husband] again, you'd better do it.
 

1. Darth Vader
The most iconic hero of this or any other age, the original man in black, Lord Vader sometimes takes time out from his busy schedule to tweet about the latest happenings in the Galaxy Far, Far Away. 
SAMPLE: "Just rolled over & hit the fire button instead of snooze. Right now millions of people are wishing I had gone to bed earlier."



 
2. Lord Voldemort
A lot of you know He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed as the guy who hates Harry Potter. What you might not know is that he also hates other things too, like bad grammar, Kanye West and... well, people generally.
SAMPLE: "For those watching the meteor shower tonight, if you happen to see a Dark Mark in the sky don't panic. Haha I'm kidding, definitely Panic."


3. Stewie Griffin
So much evil in such a small body, Stewie is the original Terror Baby.
SAMPLE: "Whenever Meg feels depressed I always lend a hand. A backhand."



4. Cobra Commander
CC is a busy man. Between social functions and trying to take over the world, it's amazing he has any time to tweet at all. What a guy.
SAMPLE: "Aghhhh it's so hot outside. The hood was a bad choice."
 

5. BP Global PR
Not a supervillain, you say? We don't see any other evil organisations trying as hard to destroy your planet at the moment, do you?
SAMPLE: "They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. We like pelicans and dolphins better already. #bpcares #doesntapplytowives"


6. Emperor Palpatine
The boss. Easily the funniest person on Twitter who would kill us in a heartbeat if we didn't say nice things about him.
SAMPLE: I see @darthvader is complaining about my Farmville addiction again. At least I don't have Crazy Frog playing in my helmet all day.

7. The Joker
Gotham's Clown Prince of Crime is all about the jokes. And the occasional murder.
SAMPLE: I love it when people put their heart into things, but I love it much more when I put peoples hearts into things, like meat grinders!!

  


8. Depressed Darth
This is Vader after hours, after the cameras have stopped rolling and after quite a few drinks. Like, a lot.
SAMPLE: Supposedly, after Obi-Wan killed Darth Maul he sent an email to Palpatine saying "there's a sale at the maul, everything is half off."

Darth's Dark Side Mix-Tape

Recently we asked the Twitterverse for submissions of classic Dark Side Songs for a mix-tape that Darth Vader was making for a special lady friend.


With many thanks to all of those who gave their suggestions, here's the final EPIC playlist:


1. The Killers - "Mr. Darkside"
2. U2 - "Where the Sith Have No Names" (via Ferreira)
3. Van Halen - "Ain't Tarkin 'Bout Love" (via kennhoekstra) 
4. James Brown - "Palpatine's Got A Brand New Bag"
5. Don Maclean - "The Day That Alderaan Died" (via LeftFighter)
6. Bob Marley - "No Padme No Cry"
7. Luke "The Temptation" Skywalker - "Papa was a Ruling Sith" (via LordPalpatine)
8. Bill Withers - "Ain't No Sunshine (When Padme's Gone)"
9. Pink Floyd - "Darth Side of the Moon" (via JRBSays)
10. The Beach Boys - "Bad Vibrations"
11. U2 - "With or Without Dooku" (via Fryphile) 
12. AC/DC - "Back in Black Leather" (via LeftFighter)
13. The Rolling Stones - "You Can Always Get What You Want (When You're Evil)"
14. The Carpenters - "Rainy Days And Mondays (Always Cheer Me Up)" (via cuddlybantha)
15. Nirvana - "Feels Like Rebel Spirit" (via CameronNeil)
16. LL Cool J - "Vader Said Choke You Out"  (via LeftFighter)
17. Eric Idle - "Always Look on the Dark Side of Life"

If this doesn't get Darth some lady love, nothing will.