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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

8 Totally Awesome Things About Having A Cyborg Hand

A lot of people criticize Darth Vader's decision to cut off Luke's hand, bizarrely seeing maiming your only son as some kind of a "parenting fail", rather than as Vader's way of giving his son the greatest gift of all: a totally awesome cyborg hand.


Don't believe us? You will. Here are 8 Totally Awesome Things About Having A Cyborg Hand:

1) Say goodbye to oven mitts.
Apart from freedom of speech and anti-fascist dictatorship campaigners, probably the most annoying thing in the world is getting your fingers burnt when you go to pull something out of the oven. With a cyborg hand, that will never be an issue again.

2) More opportunities to wear leather gloves.


Forget having to wait until you're driving your douchey sports car before you strap on the leather; covering up your mechanical hand gives you all the excuse you need to sport a fashion forward hand accessory at all times.

3) Be a bigger tool.
Forget Inspector Gadget or MacGyver. Thanks to recent advances in robot hand technology, your robot fingers can become even more useful with a screwdrivers, laser pointer, or even a can opener in.

4) Cyborgs have super powers.
Having a robot hand makes you a cyborg, and cyborgs are supremely cool deathmachines with superpowers. Name one who isn't. You can't, because they don't exist. Davros? Lightning fingers. Darth Vader? Force powers. Stephen Hawking? Megabrain.

5) No more paper cuts.


Congratulations! Now that you don't have any flesh, you are free from paper cuts, food slicing errors and other annoying hand injuries! Added bonus: you can never feel the touch of another person ever again.

6) Handicapped parking.
Although your cyborg hand has given you super powers, the rest of the world doesn't always need to know about it, particularly not when it entitles you to handicapped parking and sweet, sweet government pension money. You better equip that robohand with a stick, because you're going to need it to beat the ladies away.

7) Do funny impressions.


You are going to win charades every single time from now on. Know why? Because having a robot hand means you can do the best Terminator 2 thumbs-up-sinking-into-molten-metal impression ever.

8) Impress the ladies.
Guys, newsflash: nobody cares about how much money you donated to Alderaanian orphans last year, or how long it took you to train as a cardio-thoracic surgeon, or your chiselled movie star good looks. This is the 2011's. Ladies only care about whether you can crush rocks or block lasers WITH YOUR HAND.

So please Sithizens, the next time Cool Hand Luke Skywalker has one of his patented whinges about his dad cutting off his hand, tell him you wish you had such an awesome father.

10 comments:

  1. i hope i get one cyborg hand for my b-day, it will be completely awesome

    ReplyDelete
  2. I thought that they gave Luke artificial nerves in his hand. Because I remember the robot doctor poking his fingers and Luke going, "Ow! Ah!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The hand is fake. The medical droid was checking to see if the nerves were well attached so that he could still move the new hand as though it were his original. :)

      Delete
  3. Just think...in ten years there might even be a built in BRAIN

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  4. Can cyborg hands operate capacitive touch screens?

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  5. Cyborg is not funny guys.! it's all about the dreams, which one day(who knows) may become reality. Gud job guys

    ReplyDelete
  6. "Added bonus: you can never feel the touch of another person ever again." while this is a joke, i think its silly to assume that technology wouldnt exist for both transmitting to and receiving from nerves in such an advanced society.

    furthermore, we already have robot arms that provide feedback to nerves TODAY, so, there you go.

    ReplyDelete
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