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Friday, March 4, 2011

7 Reasons Ladies Love Lord Voldemort

It's a fact that ladies love a bad boy. Whether it's the thrill of living dangerously, the hope that he can be changed, or just a chance to stick it to mum and dad, there's something about evilness that drives women wild. But James Dean is dead and leather jackets aren't as cool as they used to be, so what's a girl to do? Wizards, of course. And in the wizarding world, there's no bigger bad boy than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Here are just seven of the reasons ladies love Lord Voldemort.


1) He's good at his job
Nobody wants to go out with an incompetent bumbler. Confidence and competence are the ultimate aphrodisiacs. Ladies want someone who's good at what they do. Someone who can inspire his followers and push the boundaries of his chosen field. As the most powerful, most feared dark wizard of all time, with thousands of Death Eaters hanging off his every word, Voldemort fits the bill perfectly.

2) He speaks multiple languages
As the world becomes more an increasingly global community, the ability to speak a second language is imperative. Not to mention a great way to romance the ladies. And as far as the language of love goes, Parseltongue is the new French.

3) He knows how to use his wand


Everyone's looking for someone who makes them feel that special spark. As the world's premiere sorceror, Voldemort can make you feel things you've never felt before. Like extreme pain or the strange tingling sensation you feel a second before being turned inside out.

4) He's passionate about his hobbies

 
There's nothing worse than dating a one-note wonder, somebody who has no interests and will bore you to death over dinner with pointless anecdotes about that hilarious time they filled out Form 27-B incorrectly. Modern women want to date a compelling man who has a range of interests. As well as taking over the world, Lord Voldemort's hobbies include sudoku, meeting Robert Downey Jnr. and killing Harry Potter in as many horrible ways as possible.

5) He plans ahead
Some men never think about the future. Happy to just cruise through life, these guys never put anything away for a rainy day, or take out the home insurance you've been bugging them for weeks about. And then one day they're gone and you're left with nothing. Voldemort, on the other hand, always has an eye on the horizon. Between listening to prophecies and making seven Horcruxes to ensure his own immortality, the Dark Lord will always be there for you. Whether you like it or not.

6) He's not big on appearances
Let's face it, most men are sexist pigs. They don't care how many degrees you have, or that you revolutionised scientific thought by formulating a widely accepted, consistent framework for unified field theory. They only care about how you look naked. Lord Voldemort, on the other hand, is a sensitive new age guy who doesn't care about appearances. This is clearly demonstrated by the fact that he hangs out with Helena Bonham Carter. When you have no nose or hair and wear a robe everywhere, you're pretty much guaranteed to be above such petty concerns.

7) He knows what women want



Literally. As a skilled Legilimens, the Dark Artist formerly known as Tom Riddle can read your mind, plucking out your deepest, darkest desires. And then use them against you to further his plans for world domination.


Don't even pretend you're not interested, ladies.

23 comments:

  1. Good at his job? He was nearly killed by a baby.

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  2. You are forgetting a few cons: he has ripped his own soul apart, he can't love, he is deformed.

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  3. lol!!voldy rules!
    ps-sqlrob n hayden,give d guy a break-everyone makes mistakes.n like dumbledore said,mistakes of smart ppl are considerably larger

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  4. he may have ripped his soul, but that doesnt mean he isnt anatomically correct...

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  5. Anatomically correct? have you seen his face?

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  6. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
    Did you just call Helena Bonham Carter ugly?

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  7. I don't think it's his FACE she's focusing on...

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  8. Plus there's the whole unfortunate con that he was killed by a 17-year-old...

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  9. Don't even lie.
    Lord Voldemort is damn sexy and we all know it.

    LOVE YA VOLDY! <3

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  10. I prefer Lucius, myself, but to each her own! Boo for hinting that HBC is ugly though. I adore her.

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  11. Stop finding mistakes with this, don't pretend you don't find this hilarious.

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  12. More cons: he has no sense of fashion whatsoever and his nails are longer then mine. He scares the crap out of you, aspecially when you wake up. If you wonder where your chiuaua is, it was probably lunch for nagini :+ And like any guy, his hobbies are way more imporant than you. I wouldn't be keen on sitting home alone with a gigantic snake.

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  13. Helena Bonham Carter is beautiful!

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  14. Could I have your permission to publish this in a magazine? I definitely give you credit!

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  15. You're all forgetting something: He's crap in bed.

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  16. Haters gonna hate. It doesn't change the fact that this is freaking hilarious. Lord Voldemort is a fictional character, so why are you guys all judging him anyways? It's not like you're ever really going to do him. I guess if you're into things like that...

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  17. Lol utterly fantastic! This had me laughing from the start! Nice work.

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  18. Akdjflhdksh
    Stop pretending everybody: we all know The Dark Lord is a sexy beast! And this is hilarious so hop off His di** and enjoy it.

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  19. He talks too much. If he hadn't rambled on about killing Harry Potter in all seven books, he would have actually succeeded in killing Harry in book one!

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  20. I too prefer Lucious or the questionable Professor Snape. I agree with some of the others that there are some problems in the logic of this piece but it is funny none the less. :)

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