Intrepid Imperial investigators have sent disturbing news from Earth, a backwater world on the very edges of known space: a Star Wars-themed school for children aged 6-12 known as "The Jedi Temple" has opened in Quilpué, Chile.
The Temple gives its younglings the opportunity to learn a combination of martial arts styles yoga and tae kwon do, along with core Jedi "values" like wisdom and nobility, and presumably, how to cut off your best friend's arm and legs before leaving him to burn alive in lava.
Of course, the Galactic Empire questions how much wisdom there is in opening a new Jedi Temple given that the previous one on Coruscant became infamous as a den of inequity and corruption, whose evil students were heroically killed by Darth Vader moments before they were unleashed on a candy-fueled killing spree.
A source embedded in the school said, "It's tragic, really. The children all want to be like Yoda, or Obi Wan, or even Luke Skywalker. They don't even realise that being a magic space knight who goes around cutting off people's arms and legs with a laser sword is a bad thing."
In further evidence that the school's Jedi Masters are twisting the minds of the innocent, another anonymous whistleblower reports that students are being taught that Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader are "evil" and that the Galactic Empire is a "merciless totalitarian regime run by space fascists," rather than the beloved government of the people, for the people, by the Emperor we all know it to be.
Safety concerns have also been raised by the school's decision to train padawans in the use of lightsabers. It is common knowledge that Yoda's lightsaber training methods were sadistic and dangerous in the extreme, involving shooting lasers at blindfolded children swinging lightsabers in a confined space. Imperial experts estimate that hundreds of padawans were likely killed or horribly maimed during decades of training under the senile Jedi Master.
The Galactic Empire will, of course, be sending the Death Star to investigate these claims immediately.
So... probably say goodbye to your stuff, Earthlings.
Thanks to Rubinville for the tip. Original article here.