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Monday, October 17, 2011

Memo: Darth Vader "Small Talk" Guidelines


DATE:     18 October

As we are all no doubt aware, there was a minor incident at Janice in Admin's birthday celebrations yesterday in which thirteen staff members received a severance package from Darth Vader. Namely, one or more of their appendages or assorted vital organs to take home in a cooler.

Whilst we could waste time conducting a "formal OH&S review", or assigning "blame", or even "checking the security footage", the reality is that we've all moved on now, apart from the people who died, and have all undoubtedly learned a valuable lesson about opening a dialogue with a Dark Lord of the Sith whilst he is making a beeline for the last slice of Pecan Butterscotch Cheesecake.

Therefore, in light of these and other recent staff "cutbacks", it has become necessary to re-issue this memo on acceptable and unacceptable phrases and topics of conversation with, and in the general vicinity of Darth Vader.

If you have any great attachment to your limbs, please ensure you adhere to the following "Small Talk" Guidelines:

  • Having found the Droids we're looking for
  • The exact whereabouts of high-value Rebel leaders, such as known Jedi and dismemberment aficianado, Obi-Wan "Gentle Ben" Kenobi.
  • General toadying lackey comments, e.g. "Wow, your armour looks especially shiny today, Lord Vader!"
  • Asking Darth Vader to record a voicemail message or GPS commercial for you
  • How tough your day/week/life's been. The ex-slave, widower, quadriplegic, asthmatic, extremely severely burnt war veteran does not want to hear it
  • Inquiring about what the deal was with the whole "bring balance to the Force" thing
  • How great it was to catch up with friends for drinks on Friday, and how none of them at any stage attempted to cut off your limbs before throwing you into a river of molten lava
  • Relationship woes, particularly those involving wives or the accidental Force choking thereof
  • How nice your weekend with the family was
  • Any outdoor pursuit involving "breathing the fresh air" or "feeling the wind in your hair" or the "sun on your face"
  • Referring to anyone as "having the higher ground"
  • The high frequency of Force choke-related injuries in the office
  • Recent changes to iconic character-defining film film scenes
The following phrases should also be avoided at all costs:
  • "Ooooh, burn!"
  • "Hey, we've all got ten fingers and ten toes, right?"
Please note this list is not meant to be exhaustive. If you think of anything not covered here, feel free to file it immediately under the "Unacceptable" heading and move along. If you are still unsure about whether to broach a subject with Darth Vader, simply ask yourself, "Do I really want the extremely angry, murderous Dark magic-wielding cyborg to pay any kind of particular attention to me?"


The Death Star PR Team.


  1. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You'll be hearing from the union soon. Pffth.

  2. Your local Imperial Workers Union (IWU) is located on Alderaan.

    OH WAIT.

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