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Monday, October 10, 2011

Terrible News: Emperor Palpatine Will NOT be running for President


Until Sarah Palin's announcement that she wasn't running for President, we weren't aware that it's customary on your planet to announce when you WON'T be running for a position, rather than when you WILL. Quick to remedy the mistake, the PR Team can now pass on the terrible news: Emperor Palpatine will NOT be running for President of the United States.

He made the announcement in a letter to supporters on Monday night that was obtained by the PR Team, which is reproduced in full for you here.

October 11, 2011
The Death Star, Galactic Empire
 
After much consultation with the Dark Side of the Force and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, ruling a merciless Galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime in a Galaxy far, far away, as well as spending time playing Jenga with my apprentice, come first and obviously Darth Vader and I put great consideration into our public duties and our bromantic but completely heterosexual personal lives before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to the Dark Side, wiping out the families of those who oppose us and galaxy. My decision maintains this order.
My decision is based upon a review of what common sense Conservatives and Independents have accomplished, especially over the last year, such as continually blocking desperately needed tax hikes on the super wealthy, thereby ensuring people turn to the Dark Side in droves. I believe that at this time I can be more effective in manipulating the Dark Side of the Force to cloud the judgement of the weak minded in order to help elect other "true" public servants to office – from the nation’s governors to Congressional seats and the Presidency.

We need to continue to actively and aggressively help those who will stop the “fundamental transformation” of your nation into one in which all people are treated equally, because then we'd have to tax everyone equally, which is completely unfair on rich people, and even allow gay people to get married and shop in the same shoe stores as us. Instead, we must support those who seek the restoration of your greatness at the expense of others, your supposed goodness and your constitutional republic based on the rule of law. Because as we know, that worked out really well for the Galactic Senate.
From the bottom of my blackened, shrivelled heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, and encouraged me to run for President. Know that by working together you can bring America back – and as I’ve always said, one doesn’t need a title to help do it (though "Emperor" does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?). You just need an army of Clones, half-crazed magical cyborg right hand man and a moon-sized space station with a planet-destroying superlaser. (Read about building a Death Star for America here.)

I will continue driving the discussion for the dismantling of your freedom and the manipulation of free markets to suit the wealthy, including in the race for President where our candidates must embrace immediate action toward energy independence through domestic resource developments of conventional energy sources, along with renewables. We must reduce tax burdens (because it's hilarious watching poor people suffer) and onerous regulations that prevent you from killing inefficient co-workers in American industry, and our candidates must always push to minimize government to strengthen the economy and allow the private sector to create jobs. This is so as to ensure that when your economy is completely broken, I can take over your country, and then your world, with a minimum of resistance.
Those will be our priorities so Americans can be confident that a smaller, smarter government (of one, run entirely and ruthlessly by me) that is truly oppressing the people, by the cloned and cyborg people, and for the incredibly rich, evil people can better serve this most exceptional man me nation.

In the coming weeks I will use my evil magical powers to help coordinate strategies to assist in replacing the President, re-taking the Senate with the help of an incredibly convoluted plan involving space taxation, ineffective planetary blockades and Jar Jar Binks for some reason, and maintaining the House. Because that is a great show and it's funny how he's always a dick to everyone. I can respect that.
Thank you again for all your support. Let’s unite to restore this country to what I think it should be! 
Force bless America. Sorry, I meant to say, "With me as your Emperor, America will be completely Forced".
– Emperor Palpatine

Still not convinced?

Read about why the Dark Side is just plain better.
Here are 10 Reasons Why You Should Work for the Galactic Empire.
Take the time to get to know Palpatine better with our exclusive interview with Twitter's @LordPalpatine.

2 comments:

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