DSPR's Amazon Picks

Thursday, July 28, 2011

A Death Star For America


Dear Friends,

It is a dark time for the United States of America. It's no secret that the once-great nation of America is in trouble. On August 2nd, the US will reach its debt ceiling of $14.3tn and be unable to borrow more money. The results of defaulting on this debt for America, and Earth's economy, could be catastrophic, leading to the collapse of the global money market. Plus, the AT-AT for America campaign got canned.

But this isn't the first time this has happened, friends. Allow us, if we may, to tell you a little story from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. The Galactic Senate's incompetence, employment of Jar Jar Binks, investment in protracted wars and spending on big government had brought the Republic to the brink of chaos. But one man had a dream. A dream of streamlined government, of job security for all and, most importantly, of peace in our time.

As Emperor, Palpatine cut government spending and increased efficiency by 2,000% by firing (sometimes literally) all of the other politicians and installing himself as ruler of a totalitarian dictatorship. With the valiant Darth Vader at his side, Palpatine ended the Clone Wars by bravely ordering the Jedi be assassinated, then brought the troop home. All 60,000 of him. But most importantly of all, friends, he gave the Galaxy a symbol of hope. He gave them a shining green light in the darkness. He gave them the Death Star.

That's right, friends, the solution to America's problems is simple: build your own Death Star.

Friends, the Death Star for America Project will need strong leadership. Someone with great charisma, a "take no prisoners/kill anybody who disagrees with you" and preferably the ability to shoot lightning from their hands. This leader, let's call them "Emperor Palpatine" for the sake of argument, will make the tough decisions that no democratically elected parliament ever could, and in 1/10th the amount of time. Some might call it having no "rights" or "freedoms" or "say". We like to think of it as "streamlining your political options".

Constructing a Death Star will see the end of unemployment on your planet once and for all. Assembling a 160km-across moon-sized battlestation armed with a planet-destroying superlaser will require a lifetime of commitment from virtually every man and woman on Earth. Also children, whose small hands are excellent for cleaning the difficult-to-reach parts in broken machinery.

Similarly, your exacting schedule and challenging working conditions will save you countless trillions of dollars by ensuring that the need for aged care pensions and welfare payouts will disappear completely.

Once you've begun building your Death Star, your money woes will become a thing of the past, friends. You won't need to borrow any. In fact, you won't even need to pay any of what you owe back. People from other countries will generously give you money, completely of their own free will, because you'll be building a giant death laser capable of disintegrating them from space, which may or may not need to be test fired a couple of times on non-compliant countries.

Environmental concerns won't be an issue either, as what little of the planet is left after you've stripped it of all of its precious metals and other essential resources will barely classify as an environment. Hey, let's be honest, it's not like your current politicians or big businesses were planning on doing any different.

Warfare will be no more. The Death Star for America Project will inspire humanity's imagination in a way no human endeavour ever has before. The people of Earth will realise that you can do more than shoot for the stars: you can build a star that shoots planets. This, plus uniting people under the common goal of not being exploded from space, will make other nations flock to support your glorious cause.

There will be those who tell you it cannot be done, friends. Ignore them. They will pay the price for their lack of vision. Did Emperor Palpatine listen to people when they said, "You're crazy", or, "How did we not know that you're an evil megalomaniacal wizard intent on taking over the Galaxy", or, "Ohgodohgod, please don't blow up my planet"? No. No he did not. He built his Death Star and so can you, America.

Don't go quietly into the night, friends. If you want to save America, spread the word to all of your friends. Direct people to this page. Get inspired. Let the Galactic Empire be your guiding (Death) Star.


Oh, one more thing, friends; you're going to need a new flag. We call it "The Death Star-Spangled Banner".


You're welcome, America.

14 comments:

  1. I'm in. Can I get a campaign sign in my front yard? Or at least a droid?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Too much colour in the flag. Can we have it black and grey? With more black?

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is the most rational spending proposal I've seen since the November elections. You make me proud to be an American Ewok. I raise my pointed stick in your direction and salute you with anthropomorphic hoots and cheers.

    ReplyDelete
  4. As a Sith Lord in training I approve this plan.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is actually the nearly all realistic investing proposition I've come across considering that the Nov elections. You create me personally happy being a us Ewok. My spouse and i increase our directed adhere in your direction and also praise you using anthropomorphic hoots and regards.

    Cheap Eden Gold
    RS Gold

    ReplyDelete
  6. We suspect that the voting system, a perfect kicking before we need to try several times. It hopes that its purpose is obvious. cheap guild wars 2 gold

    ReplyDelete
  7. There's no end to the number of people who will tell cheap wow gold you how to play this game. None. Even here, despite having a large audience of varying playstyles, we can let things slip through about the only cheap FIFA 13 coins way to do things.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Warfare will be no more. The Death Star for America guild wars 2 gold Project will inspire humanity's imagination in a way no human endeavour ever has before. The people of Earth will realise that you can do more than shoot for the stars: you can build a star that shoots planets. This, plus uniting people under the common goal of not being exploded from space, gw2 gold will make other nations flock to support your glorious cause.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Zelda: A Link to the Past 2 rs gold run at 60 fps with 3D effect activated. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past 2 The head of the series The Legend of Zelda, Eiji Aonuma, has confirmed that the new Adventure of Link for Nintendo 3DS work every time at 60 frames runescapegold per second, even when using the stereoscopic 3D effect of the notebook. Something that highlights the creative Japanese, not very common right now. "The game runs at 60 fps, while in most of the games we have now, when you activate the 3D effect will be 30 fps", has highlighted the creative in an interview with EDGE buy rs gold 2007 magazine.

    ReplyDelete