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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

10 Terrifying Things Doctor Who Can Teach Us About Humanity's Future

Doctor Who isn't just a documentary about the most evil being in the galaxy and how he constantly goes to other people's worlds and mercilessly kills them when they were just trying to go about their average Tuesday. It also teaches us a lot about the future of humanity and all of the wonderful things you will do. Okay, not really. Mostly it just shows you how terrible it will be for you all.

Here are 10 terrifying things Doctor Who can teach us about Humanity's future:

10. You'll all turn into LOLcats

Show us a person who hasn't spent hours of a Saturday night trawling the internet for pictures of cats with funny captions, LOLing at the antics of those aptly named LOLcats and we'll show you a person who hasn't lived, loved, or LOL'd. Unfortunately, they won't seem so funny when you become one in the year 5 billion and 23 (New Earth). To really add insult to injury, you'll be forced to wear one of those flying nun habits. But whatever you do, DON'T THINK ABOUT HOW THE CAT/PERSON RACE GOT STARTED. Oh, you already are? That's a shame, isn't it?

9. Plastic surgery will get even worse

If you think that the current Hollywood trend for everybody to get so much plastic surgery that they gradually turn into the cat people mentioned above is a bit disturbing, or Mickey Rourke's twisted, inhuman visage turns your very soul to ice, you're probably not going to love the distant future. Because The End of the World shows us that in the year five billion you won't need boob jobs or tummy tucks. You'll just need your face, some skin and a nice picture frame to put it all in.

8. Reality TV will become even more popular

If you're one of the few people tired of the 47 "different" versions of The Horrible Housewives of Someplace Terrible, are sick of trying to Keep Up With the Kardashians, and wish that global warming would just hurry up and wash away the Jersey Shore, there's good news and bad news. The good news is, you have a brain. The bad news is, there's going to be loads more reality TV by the year 200,100. In Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways, there's an entire Satellite devoted to beaming out reality TV. What's truly terrifying about this is that it says humanity will STILL be watching Big Brother and The Weakest Link 200,000 years from now. Maybe we should just bring the Death Star over right now and end your suffering.

7. Pretty much everything inanimate will come to life and it will hate you

Doctor Who is filled with stories of inanimate things coming to life and deciding immediately to devote their lives to destroying/enslaving/feeding on humanity. Shop mannequins (Rose), television sets (The Idiot's Lantern), statues (Blink), and even satellite navigation systems (The Sontaran Stratagem), though upon reflection that last one probably isn't very surprising. So basically, unless you plan on living out your days in a cave in the middle of nowhere, you should probably expect a battle to the death against your household appliances some time in the near future.

6. Holidays will be a really bad idea

We know you're thinking to yourself, "Hooray! In the future I'll be able to jump in a space ship and fly to exotic and interesting locales and meet strange and wondrous alien life forms and have adventures and things!" Well you're right, you will definitely be able to do all of those things, except for one teeny, tiny little problem: every single alien on each of those worlds wants to kill you. On some of those worlds, like the crystalline resort planet Midnight (Midnight), you don't even get to see the thing trying to horribly murder you, it just crawls into people's brains and mimics you until people get annoyed and throw you from the shuttle.

5. Say goodbye to human evolution

The Doctor has been to the furthest corners of the universe, and even the end of time (Utopia) and back again, but no matter where he goes one thing remains the same: people. No matter where he visits them, or what time period he finds them in, humans always look exactly the same as they do in the 21st Century. Too bad, humanity. You may spread out across the stars like an unstoppable spaceship delivered super STD but you'll never develop that prehensile tail or those totally sweet gills Kevin Costner had in Waterworld.

4. YOU'RE the bad guys

"Whaaa! We've been victimised by evil aliens again! Boo hoo!" Oh, poor Earth. While it's true that, yes, the very occasional space monster does try to kill or enslave you all (see below), the reality is that you're going to do far worse to them. You see, in the future you're going to colonise countless worlds throughout the universe, doing to them exactly what every colonial power did to every indigenous culture on Earth: kill them, take their land and resources, then "give" them small amounts of their land to live on while robbing them of their rights for their own protection. And because you're feeling extra nice, you'll also "give" them really cushy slave labour jobs. See: the Ood (Planet of the Ood, The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit).

3. Earth will be constantly invaded by evil aliens

Is there anything better than a lazy Sunday morning? A nice sleep in, bacon and eggs with coffee from the cafe down the street, followed by an hour or two curled up with a good book. Aaah, that's the life. Or it used to be. Because in the future, your sleep in will be being up early running for your life, bacon will be Daleks (Every Second Doctor Who Episode Ever), eggs will be Cybermen (Every Third Doctor Who Episode Ever), coffee will be Sontarans, the cafe will be a reality bomb and the book will be YOU EXPLODING. Because if there's one thing that Doctor Who consistently teaches us, it's that Earth is a magnet for every single bastardous alien in existence. Three quarters of the time they don't even come to Earth for any particular reason except just to mess with you. Which is actually fair enough, really.

2. You won't get to marry Amy Pond

Yes, she's your dream woman. Yes, you feel a special unspoken bond because of that time her hazel eyed gaze pierced the camera, shot out through the television set and locked onto yours in an expression of love that surely no two other people could possibly share. Well get in line, buddy. Ms. Pond is already spoken for by Rory Williams. Yes, the guy with the nose. Even worse, there's no point even contemplating trying to kill him to get him out of the picture, because the guy literally cannot die. No, wait, he literally dies all the FRIGGING TIME (Amy's Choice, Cold Blood, The Curse of the Black Spot, The Doctor's Wife [twice!]), but don't get your hopes up, because he KEEPS COMING BACK.

1. One day you'll all be tiny Death Stars

In Utopia, the Doctor, Captain Jack and Martha travel to the end of the universe in the year 100 trillion. When they get back to the present (The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords), they find that the Master has taken control of earth with the help of the Toclafane, six billion tiny little Death Stars. It turns out the Master has converted all of the remaining humans at the end of time into incredibly bloodthirsty cyborg death spheres and brought them back using a Paradox Machine so they can kill everyone in the present (namely, you). Actually, six billion tiny Death Stars sounds pretty good. So at least there's that to look forward to, right?


  1. So glad you included Amy in there. Would have been lost without her. Sigh. Amy .....

  2. And then we will see the Evil Doctor from the mirror reality come through and flip the scipt by bring back all the Evil Time Lords, killed in the war with the virtous Daleks. In a 'balancing' of celestial energies; the complete collection of all executed time lines from the Big Bang to the Heat Death will all be canceled and none of us will have ever existed.

  3. 2. You won't get to marry Amy Pond! :o(

    But Rory Williams was turned into a plastic Auton.
    So if she wants a real man and not a plastic one then she can contact me at ...

  4. moisturize me. moisturize me.

  5. Actually Mark, he isn't plastic anymore, because that entire universe was destroyed and restarted, so Rory never actually ended up being a plastic guy who was a Roman - he can just remember it all though.

  6. Really Tag, vacant plastic-type material ever again, because that total world has been damaged and restarted, so Rory by no means in fact became a plastic material person who had been the Roman - they can just remember all this though.

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