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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

10 Reasons Why the Dark Side is Just Plain Better

Some people would have you believe that the Dark Side is "evil", just because you have to murder the occasional person or blow up a planet or two. But really, what's so good about being good? Here are ten reasons why turning to the Dark Side is just plain better.

10. Great Benefits

Forget stuffy suits and striped ties. On the Dark Side, you can wear a cape to work! You'll also get your choice of oversized helmet and form-fitting durasteel battle armour, all in a wide variety of flattering shades of black. Plus, as a Sith Apprentice you get to work one-on-one in a collaborative team-oriented environment with a highly experienced and enthusiastic industry expert. And when it comes to taking care of yourself, well, how many other jobs offer total cyborg limb replacement and full body cloning as part of their health benefits scheme?

9. Better theme music
Seriously, do you want the theme music of your life to sound like this:

Or this:

The first says, "I stare at binary sunsets whilst weeping over my family problems and/or the fact that I've never touched a girl's boobs and/or unspecified moisture farm-related problems." The second says, "I'm such a massive badass that I have severe asthma, no legs, arms, or private parts to speak of and I'm STILL the most feared person in the entire galaxy."

8. Choose your own name
Who wants to be called Albert, or Pauline, or even... *shudder* Luke? Once you turn to the Dark Side you can choose your own awesome fear-inspiringly-evil-yet-incredibly-literally-summing-up-your-modus-operandi evil name, e.g. Darth Ba'dazz, Darth Vill-I-An, or Darth Murd-r Err. See? COOL.

7. "Good is dumb"

Spaceballs' Dark Helmet summed it up best when he said, "Evil will always triumph because good is dumb." Good is dumb. Name one good guy who ever invented an amazing moon-sized doomsday weapon or who had the intellect and determination required to take over a galaxy. Or name one bad guy who accidentally made out with his sister. You can't. Still not convinced? In the time it took the entirety of the Jedi Council to not at all figure out that Palpatine was a Sith Lord, EVEN WHEN THEY WERE IN THE SAME ROOM, Palpatine orchestrated an entire series of star wars, created 60,000 clones, manipulated an entire galaxy into legally declaring him ruler, turned the most powerful Jedi ever into his apprentice, organised for the rest of the Jedi to be killed, built a Death Star and still had time to create reality TV and send it to Earth.

6. Make your own rules
Is it just us, or did the Jedi have rules for everything? "Don't fall in love." "Never be afraid of anything." "Don't kill people, even if they can't tell the difference between "your" and "you're"." "Don't feed Yoda after midnight." They were so busy making up rules that they forgot Rule Number #1: When you have a lightsaber and magic super powers, THERE ARE NO RULES (Except "Point Lightsaber away from body before activating". That's actually a pretty good one, particularly if you value your genitals/limbs.)

5. Live forever

We know what you're thinking: "But the bad guy always dies in some horrific way at the hands of the murderous orphaned magical prophecy child!" WRONG. Don't you know anything about MATHS, stupid hypothetical straw man? Check it:
Sith Lord deaths in Star Wars Episodes I - VI: 4
Jedi Knight deaths in Star Wars Episodes I - VI: 87, 641.
That means the odds of you dying once you become a Sith Lord are 27,910:1. And that's not even taking into account the assorted clones, robot bodies and malevolent floating ghost consciousnesses you'll have lined up on the off chance that you actually DO get dismembered or thrown down a reactor shaft (unlikely).

4. Force choke annoying co-workers

We don't really need to go into detail on this one, do we? Just think about it for a moment. Consider how much more enjoyable this would make your average work day. Best. Job Perk. EVER.

3. Make out with Natalie Portman

If we know one thing about science it's that ladies love a bad boy. Nobody wants to date a guy named Roger who shows up at your door with flowers wearing his best polo shirt and wants to take you out to a moderately priced Italian restaurant for dinner. Really, Roger? Really?! That's the most exciting thing you could come up with? Just give up, Roger. Nobody likes you anyway, certainly not beloved Hollywood Academy Award Winning Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman wants to go out with a brooding bad boy who dresses in black, rides a landspeeder, has cool scars, eyes that glow with hatred and a cyborg hand, who may or may not go mental dismembering Sand People if given half a chance. FACT.

2. Evil superior, good inferior
There's literally nothing good that's better than its evil version. Not one single thing. Does anybody ever want an apple for dessert when they could be having a triple-decker chocolate sundae? Is diet soft drink (shudder) ever better than the real deal? Would you ever date the good twin when you had the option of the sexily evil, moustached twin with a horrible foreign accent? Of course you wouldn't. Face it, every single one of us chooses evil over good every single day of our lives. Why? Because it's easier, tastier, more fun AND more exciting. Plus we have cookies.


From. Your. Fucking. Hands.

If this list was relevant to your interests, you might also enjoy 10 Reasons Why You Should Work For the Galactic Empire.


  1. In point #3, you forgot to mention that the "brooding bad boy who dresses in black, rides a landspeeder, has cool scars, eyes that glow with hatred and a cyborg hand, who may or may not go mental dismembering Sand People if given half a chance" called himself "Annie." Seriously? "Annie?" Given the choice, I think I'd prefer "Roger."

    1. People called him annie and then he snapped...

  2. this is the most epic post ever. It clearly wins the entire internet

  3. This is so true. I am Darth Dick! Wait... that's my real name.

  4. There are tons of perks! No pesky haircuts. You can be chopped to pieces, burned by lava, and STILL survive.

  5. You've won me over. Where do I sign up?

  6. Tell me more about the Natalie Portman thing...

  7. THIS. IS. EPIC.

    You guys keep blowing me away. I was laughing so hard I had to leave this page to calm down and then come back to finish!

    The one downer of being on the Dark side is that there isn't any hot guys!

    Oh and hey Corfy, ITS "ANI" not "ANNIE". The Future Dark lord of the Sith isn't a dancing ten-year-old ginger!

    Keep it up Death Star PR!


  8. I find your lack of education in statistics disturbing. Every Sith Lord died, whereas at least one Jedi survived. Therefore, the ratio of Sith Lords to Sith deaths is 1:1, while the numbers for Jedi are slightly more encouraging.

    Also, I'd rather be Rogue Leader than Darth Hole.

  9. All of you retain throwing out me personally aside. I was joking so desperately I had created to go away this site to settle down and then return to end!

    Normally the one downer of being about the Bad side is there isn't a scorching men!

    Oh yeah as well as hi Corfy, The "ANI" not really "ANNIE". The near future Darkish master of the Sith is not a dancing ten-year-old ginger!

    Keep writing Death Celebrity PR!
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  10. There's literally nothing good that's better than its evil version. Not one single thing.

    Public Relations

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  15. on number 9 you posted the marsh from the dark side and some song but you shuld have used the resistance marsh. This one