The Sith Who Stole Christmas

It's that time of year again.

Now that Thankskilling is behind us, we've begun decking the Death Star halls with bowels of Ewoks (Fa la la la la, la la la la) in preparation for everybody's favourite holiday: Sithmas. It's that magical time of year where we come together to celebrate the Sith Lords who have sacrificed so much (arms, legs, recognisably human faces) just so they can rule us with the iron fist of benevolence.

There are only two inevitabilities at Sithmas time:
1) Sithmas decorations go up fractionally earlier each time every year, until one day, it will come to pass that they never even go down anymore. Of course, this is exactly what we've been planning from the beginning because once people realise that Christmas never ends, they will go insane from festive cheer and kill one another.
2) Your TV will be flooded by Sithmas specials.

Today's most excellent Sithmas special, entitled "The Sith Who Stole Christmas" is by the extremely talented OneMinuteGalactica. As loyal Sithizen Alan Parsons said in his email to the PR team, "This is a video wherein the editor splices documentary footage of our Dark Lord Vader with a common Earth Christmas carol entitled You're A Mean One, Mister Grinch, from a Terran propaganda film called How The Grinch Stole Christmas." Enjoy, Sithizens!

Brush up on Darth Vader and the PR Team's 12 Days of Sithmas, or read about the Night Before Sithmas.

Is Steve Jobs Building the Galactic iMpire?

It was announced this week that Apple now has more money than the US Government. As its financial woes continue, the US Treasury's cash balance fell below $US74 billion, dropping below Apple's cash store of $US76 billion. But what does this actually mean? The answer is clear: Steve Jobs is building the Galactic iMpire on Earth.


Death Star PR charts the rise and rise of iMperor Jobs.


Early days
Like most powerful wizards, Steve Jobs was orphaned at an early age. He was raised in California, a desert, by adoptive parents who never told him his true parents were actually still alive, or that he had a sister. He dropped out of college after only one semester in the early 1970's and began work for Atari, assumedly building annoying protocol droids from junk parts. He then travelled to India and became a Buddhist (Brown robes? Check. Impossible ethical standards? Check. Junk about being one with everything? Check.)

Rise to power
But how does a college drop out become ruler of a planet-wide evil Empire from such humble beginnings? We know that Jobs took his first step down the dark path when he cheated his partner, Steve Wozniak, out of $2150 in an early deal with Atari, before they founded Apple Computers together. Having had his first bite of the Apple taste of the Dark Side, Jobs began a Machiavellian rise to the top of the computing game, using a convoluted plan involving purchasing Pixar (previously owned by none other than Lucasfilm) and some incredibly boring stuff about space taxation.

Even in his youth, Steve Jobs reached for the Death Stars.

iMperor of Apple
After a hiatus from Apple to work on other evil projects, Jobs returned as CEO, turning it into one of the most successful IT companies in the world. One of his first acts as CEO was to make it impossible for anyone to make Macintosh Clones, thus ostensibly ending the Clone Wars. However, behind his public persona as a charismatic, highly persuasive leader was an aggressive and demanding personality who caused widespread fear amongst his employees by Order 66'ing many of them. With no one to stand in his way, Jobs triumphantly announced himself undisputed iMperor of Apple at the 2000 Macworld Expo.

Personal fortune
As well as holding more than 5 million shares in Apple, Jobs sold Pixar to Disney (an evil corporation whose sole reason for existence is to take as much money from small children and their parents as possible) in exchange for becoming its largest individual shareholder, with a whopping 7% (almost 6% more than anyone else).

Power... UNLIMITED POWER!!!
Now with wealth and power beyond measure, Jobs was finally free to begin turning people to the Dark Side in earnest. His devices were temptingly attractive, seductively powerful and incredibly easy to use, but they also came at a high price, in that they literally cost a crapload of money. Most importantly of all, short battery life, inability to synch with anything except that one specific version of iTunes you have on your old computer and antenna issues caused countless many consumers to give in to their anger in violent fits of rage.

 Look familiar?

An Apprentice and an army
A Sith Lord is nothing without his apprentice to kill off the competition and iMperor Jobs was no different, yet he was not content with one black-clad evil magic cyborg to do his bidding. Instead, Jobs made millions, and an army of familiarly white-and-black armoured iMperial troopers to go along with them. Together, they conquered the world.

Health "concerns"
More recently, Jobs' appearance changed dramatically and he appeared to be suffering from health concerns supposedly caused by "cancer". The reality was so much simpler: through countless years of study, dedication and the occasional cold blooded murder, Jobs had mastered the arts of the Dark Side.

It's now only a matter of time before his patented "Stevenotes" become even more exciting.

Building an iDeath Star
Of course, no Galactic iMpire would be complete without building a Death Star and iMperor Jobs has already taken the first steps towards ensuring the iDeath Star's construction. Apple's proposed circular "spaceship" headquarters in Cupertino, California, is undoubtedly the skeleton for a spherical moon-sized doomsday laser that will one day be used to blow up planets and ensure that iMperial rule lasts forever.

And so it begins.

So enjoy your freedom while it lasts, Earth. It's only a matter of time now before iMperor Jobs rules you all with a sleek, feature-packed next generation iRon Fist (v.4).

The Galappletic iMpire: Think Sitherent.

Star Wars: The Old Republic

Ah, the Old Republic, those were the days. When men were weird aliens, lots of weird aliens were Sith Lords and women weren't all demanding Princesses in need of rescuing.

Back in the old days, before the Jedi went around making up crazy rules like "Hey, try not to kill people" and "Ruling the Galaxy with an iron-encased fist is bad", you could pretty much go around swinging your lightsaber near whoever you liked and if they happened to get in the way and be chopped to pieces, well, that was their fault. Now that's our kind of Galaxy.

BioWare's upcoming massively multiplayer online role-playing game Star Wars: The Old Republic, set to be released in Spring 2011, will allow players to live, and most probably die horribly a lot, in that universe. Here's the amazingly kick ass intro cinematic "Return".

Thanks to @Lordofthemoo for the tip.

Emperor Palpatine: Behind the Lightning

Lord Palpatine: you know him as the benevolent ruler of the Galactic Empire, a man who works tirelessly for the happiness and security of every citizen. Death Star PR goes behind the Force lightning in an exclusive one-on-one interview with the charismatic leader, visionary and self-made Galaxy-trotting playboy trillionaire.

DSPR: Emperor Palpatine, thank you very much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to chat with us.
EP: I needed a break from Vader's moaning. There's a limit to how many times even I can hear the name "Padmé" in one day without electrocuting someone.

DSPR: You've come a long way since Naboo. To what do you ascribe your success?
EP: Hard work, grit, electrocutions and a few cases of throwing people from high places.

DSPR: Having achieved so much in such a short space of time, what are you proudest of?
EP: I once beat Lord Vader in a game of mini golf. Every moment you make a Sith Lord cry is a moment to be proud of.

DSPR: What are the best things about benevolently ruling a Galactic Empire?
EP: Knowing that everyone fears me being without my leadership. Knowing that everyone follows my command, even when they think they defy me. Knowing... we... shall have... peace.  Eventually. I guess.

DSPR: Some people have described the Empire as "an oppressive and ruthless totalitarian government". How would you respond to that kind of criticism?
EP: Give me the name of the planet they reside on, and I will answer them personally with one swift stroke.

DSPR: One of your first totally legal and Senate-supported actions was to pass Order 66 and rid the Galaxy of the Jedi menace. Why did you feel so strongly about that issue? 
EP: You said it yourself, the Jedi were a menace to  me our galaxy. Let's face it, they represented a system that just didn't work. I mean, the old Republic allowed for Jar-Jar Binks to be acting Senator. How could I *not* act against that?

DSPR: You make a good point. As we speak, there are Rebel insurgents working to sabotage everything you've created. What would you say to them if you could?
EP: Sending them a message would be pointless, they are blind to anything but their own way. Unable to adapt to a new, richer, way of life. To anyone considering joining the Rebels, I have one thing to say: Alderaan.

DSPR: It's a lot of people's dream to work with their best friend and heterosexual life partner. What's it really like working with Darth Vader?
EP: If you had asked me 11 years ago, I would have said we have a great working relationship, where I lay the plans and he executes them. But now... let's just say I'm glad I installed a mute button on his chest plate.

DSPR: A lot of independently wealthy visionaries seem to be building secret base/doomsday weapons these days. What inspired you to build the Death Star?
EP: The Death Star was built out of necessity. We needed it to protect our way of life. To spread the word of unity and peace throughout the galaxy. Look at your lawn. Do you kill the weeds? Of course you do, because it doesn't blend well with the rest of the garden. The Death Star is our weed killer.

DSPR: A lot of people don't know much about the Force. Can you tell us about some of the perks of the Dark Side?
EP: As I have said before, being in tune with the Force, and particularly the Dark Side, saves you a ton on electricity bills. Another benefit is that people will agree with you no matter what you say, even when they don't know it themselves.

DSPR: Phillip, 14, from Coruscant asks, "What's a typical day for you like?"
EP: It involves a lot of throne chair revolving and hand clapping.


DSPR: Phillip is just one of countless legions of fans. For all your young fans out there dreaming of the chance to work with you, what do you look for in an apprentice?
EP: S/he must be easily manipulated, weak minded and/or mentally vulnerable. There's a reason I'm currently on Earth. So many to choose from. Now let me explain, the reason they have to be weak minded is *not* that I can't break down the strong ones, but it's simply to save time. Once they're broken down completely, we can build the apprentice from the ground up, in my image.

DSPR: Ingenious, my Lord. Your name is synonomous with things like "Death Star", "maniacal laughter" and "Force lightning" but there's so much more to Lord Palpatine. Tell us a bit about the real you.
EP: What most people don't know about me is that I have a very big heart. I keep it in a jar. In addition to that I like history. That's why I spend some time here on Earth watching what they call "Star Wars". I like to call it "Emperor Palpatine, or how I learned to stop wasting time and start loving the Death Star."

DSPR: Emperor Palpatine, thank you for your time and not using the Force to destroy us.
EP: There's still time for that.

DSPR: .....

DSPR: Can we go now?

Who's Da(rth) Boss?

 
Okay, yes, our boss is a massive douchebag and probable Sith Lord but, let's be honest, whose boss ISN'T?


We've all thought it every now and then - "My boss is an evil dick!" Yes, yes s/he is. But just HOW evil is s/he? Here are the Top 10 ways you can tell your boss may be a Sith Lord:



10. He runs a merciless, galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime, e.g. McDonalds, Nazi Germany.
9. His words say, "Hello" but his eyes say, "Who are you and how can I make money from killing you?"
8. She keeps scheduling staff meetings on Friday afternoons.
7. He balls you out for checking personal emails at work... but is constantly updating his Twitter and Facebook.
6. He always just appears the second anyone mentions his name.
5. She says things like "bandwidth", "value adding" &"incentivized synergization", expecting you to know what they mean.
4. She wrote a book about vampires without fangs who sparkle in sunlight... and inexplicably made millions of dollars from it.
3. Everyone at your workplace has really cool matching uniforms, special salutes and professes a fear of "other" people... you know, "them". 
2. He keeps eating your food from the fridge... despite the very passive-aggressive notes you leave on it. 
1. Force choke-related injuries are up 147% on last quarter.