10 Reasons Why the Dark Side is Just Plain Better

Some people would have you believe that the Dark Side is "evil", just because you have to murder the occasional person or blow up a planet or two. But really, what's so good about being good? Here are ten reasons why turning to the Dark Side is just plain better.

10. Great Benefits

Forget stuffy suits and striped ties. On the Dark Side, you can wear a cape to work! You'll also get your choice of oversized helmet and form-fitting durasteel battle armour, all in a wide variety of flattering shades of black. Plus, as a Sith Apprentice you get to work one-on-one in a collaborative team-oriented environment with a highly experienced and enthusiastic industry expert. And when it comes to taking care of yourself, well, how many other jobs offer total cyborg limb replacement and full body cloning as part of their health benefits scheme?

9. Better theme music

Seriously, do you want the theme music of your life to sound like this:

Or this:

The first says, "I stare at binary sunsets whilst weeping over my family problems and/or the fact that I've never touched a girl's boobs and/or unspecified moisture farm-related problems." The second says, "I'm such a massive badass that I have severe asthma, no legs, arms, or private parts to speak of and I'm STILL the most feared person in the entire galaxy."

8. Choose your own name

Who wants to be called Albert, or Pauline, or even... *shudder* Luke? Once you turn to the Dark Side you can choose your own awesome fear-inspiringly-evil-yet-incredibly-literally-summing-up-your-modus-operandi evil name, e.g. Darth Ba'dazz, Darth Vill-I-An, or Darth Murd-r Err. See? COOL.

7. "Good is dumb"

Spaceballs' Dark Helmet summed it up best when he said, "Evil will always triumph because good is dumb." Good is dumb. Name one good guy who ever invented an amazing moon-sized doomsday weapon or who had the intellect and determination required to take over a galaxy. Or name one bad guy who accidentally made out with his sister. You can't. Still not convinced? In the time it took the entirety of the Jedi Council to not at all figure out that Palpatine was a Sith Lord, EVEN WHEN THEY WERE IN THE SAME ROOM, Palpatine orchestrated an entire series of star wars, created 60,000 clones, manipulated an entire galaxy into legally declaring him ruler, turned the most powerful Jedi ever into his apprentice, organised for the rest of the Jedi to be killed, built a Death Star and still had time to create reality TV and send it to Earth.

6. Make your own rules

Is it just us, or did the Jedi have rules for everything? "Don't fall in love." "Never be afraid of anything." "Don't kill people, even if they can't tell the difference between "your" and "you're"." "Don't feed Yoda after midnight." They were so busy making up rules that they forgot Rule Number #1: When you have a lightsaber and magic super powers, THERE ARE NO RULES (Except "Point Lightsaber away from body before activating". That's actually a pretty good one, particularly if you value your genitals/limbs.)

5. Live forever

We know what you're thinking: "But the bad guy always dies in some horrific way at the hands of the murderous orphaned magical prophecy child!" WRONG. Don't you know anything about MATHS, stupid hypothetical straw man? Check it:

Sith Lord deaths in Star Wars Episodes I - VI: 4

Jedi Knight deaths in Star Wars Episodes I - VI: 87, 641.

That means the odds of you dying once you become a Sith Lord are 27,910:1. And that's not even taking into account the assorted clones, robot bodies and malevolent floating ghost consciousnesses you'll have lined up on the off chance that you actually DO get dismembered or thrown down a reactor shaft (unlikely).

4. Force choke annoying co-workers

We don't really need to go into detail on this one, do we? Just think about it for a moment. Consider how much more enjoyable this would make your average work day. Best. Job Perk. EVER.

3. Make out with Natalie Portman

If we know one thing about science it's that ladies love a bad boy. Nobody wants to date a guy named Roger who shows up at your door with flowers wearing his best polo shirt and wants to take you out to a moderately priced Italian restaurant for dinner. Really, Roger? Really?! That's the most exciting thing you could come up with? Just give up, Roger. Nobody likes you anyway, certainly not beloved Hollywood Academy Award Winning Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman wants to go out with a brooding bad boy who dresses in black, rides a landspeeder, has cool scars, eyes that glow with hatred and a cyborg hand, who may or may not go mental dismembering Sand People if given half a chance. FACT.

2. Evil superior, good inferior

There's literally nothing good that's better than its evil version. Not one single thing. Does anybody ever want an apple for dessert when they could be having a triple-decker chocolate sundae? Is diet soft drink (shudder) ever better than the real deal? Would you ever date the good twin when you had the option of the sexily evil, moustached twin with a horrible foreign accent? Of course you wouldn't. Face it, every single one of us chooses evil over good every single day of our lives. Why? Because it's easier, tastier, more fun AND more exciting. Plus we have cookies.

1. You get to SHOOT LIGHTNING FROM YOUR HANDS

From. Your. Fucking. Hands.


If this list was relevant to your interests, you might also enjoy 10 Reasons Why You Should Work For the Galactic Empire.

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Wherever you go, whatever you do, always remember:

Home is where the Darth is.

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Emperor Palpatine: Behind the Lightning

Lord Palpatine: you know him as the benevolent ruler of the Galactic Empire, a man who works tirelessly for the happiness and security of every citizen. Death Star PR goes behind the Force lightning in an exclusive one-on-one interview with the charismatic leader, visionary and self-made Galaxy-trotting playboy trillionaire.

DSPR: Emperor Palpatine, thank you very much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to chat with us.
EP: I needed a break from Vader's moaning. There's a limit to how many times even I can hear the name "Padmé" in one day without electrocuting someone.

DSPR: You've come a long way since Naboo. To what do you ascribe your success?
EP: Hard work, grit, electrocutions and a few cases of throwing people from high places.

DSPR: Having achieved so much in such a short space of time, what are you proudest of?
EP: I once beat Lord Vader in a game of mini golf. Every moment you make a Sith Lord cry is a moment to be proud of.

DSPR: What are the best things about benevolently ruling a Galactic Empire?
EP: Knowing that everyone fears me being without my leadership. Knowing that everyone follows my command, even when they think they defy me. Knowing... we... shall have... peace.  Eventually. I guess.

DSPR: Some people have described the Empire as "an oppressive and ruthless totalitarian government". How would you respond to that kind of criticism?
EP: Give me the name of the planet they reside on, and I will answer them personally with one swift stroke.

DSPR: One of your first totally legal and Senate-supported actions was to pass Order 66 and rid the Galaxy of the Jedi menace. Why did you feel so strongly about that issue? 
EP: You said it yourself, the Jedi were a menace to  me our galaxy. Let's face it, they represented a system that just didn't work. I mean, the old Republic allowed for Jar-Jar Binks to be acting Senator. How could I *not* act against that?

DSPR: You make a good point. As we speak, there are Rebel insurgents working to sabotage everything you've created. What would you say to them if you could?
EP: Sending them a message would be pointless, they are blind to anything but their own way. Unable to adapt to a new, richer, way of life. To anyone considering joining the Rebels, I have one thing to say: Alderaan.

DSPR: It's a lot of people's dream to work with their best friend and heterosexual life partner. What's it really like working with Darth Vader?
EP: If you had asked me 11 years ago, I would have said we have a great working relationship, where I lay the plans and he executes them. But now... let's just say I'm glad I installed a mute button on his chest plate.

DSPR: A lot of independently wealthy visionaries seem to be building secret base/doomsday weapons these days. What inspired you to build the Death Star?
EP: The Death Star was built out of necessity. We needed it to protect our way of life. To spread the word of unity and peace throughout the galaxy. Look at your lawn. Do you kill the weeds? Of course you do, because it doesn't blend well with the rest of the garden. The Death Star is our weed killer.

DSPR: A lot of people don't know much about the Force. Can you tell us about some of the perks of the Dark Side?
EP: As I have said before, being in tune with the Force, and particularly the Dark Side, saves you a ton on electricity bills. Another benefit is that people will agree with you no matter what you say, even when they don't know it themselves.

DSPR: Phillip, 14, from Coruscant asks, "What's a typical day for you like?"
EP: It involves a lot of throne chair revolving and hand clapping.


DSPR: Phillip is just one of countless legions of fans. For all your young fans out there dreaming of the chance to work with you, what do you look for in an apprentice?
EP: S/he must be easily manipulated, weak minded and/or mentally vulnerable. There's a reason I'm currently on Earth. So many to choose from. Now let me explain, the reason they have to be weak minded is *not* that I can't break down the strong ones, but it's simply to save time. Once they're broken down completely, we can build the apprentice from the ground up, in my image.

DSPR: Ingenious, my Lord. Your name is synonomous with things like "Death Star", "maniacal laughter" and "Force lightning" but there's so much more to Lord Palpatine. Tell us a bit about the real you.
EP: What most people don't know about me is that I have a very big heart. I keep it in a jar. In addition to that I like history. That's why I spend some time here on Earth watching what they call "Star Wars". I like to call it "Emperor Palpatine, or how I learned to stop wasting time and start loving the Death Star."

DSPR: Emperor Palpatine, thank you for your time and not using the Force to destroy us.
EP: There's still time for that.

DSPR: .....

DSPR: Can we go now?

Who's Da(rth) Boss?

 
Okay, yes, our boss is a massive douchebag and probable Sith Lord but, let's be honest, whose boss ISN'T?


We've all thought it every now and then - "My boss is an evil dick!" Yes, yes s/he is. But just HOW evil is s/he? Here are the Top 10 ways you can tell your boss may be a Sith Lord:



10. He runs a merciless, galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime, e.g. McDonalds, Nazi Germany.
9. His words say, "Hello" but his eyes say, "Who are you and how can I make money from killing you?"
8. She keeps scheduling staff meetings on Friday afternoons.
7. He balls you out for checking personal emails at work... but is constantly updating his Twitter and Facebook.
6. He always just appears the second anyone mentions his name.
5. She says things like "bandwidth", "value adding" &"incentivized synergization", expecting you to know what they mean.
4. She wrote a book about vampires without fangs who sparkle in sunlight... and inexplicably made millions of dollars from it.
3. Everyone at your workplace has really cool matching uniforms, special salutes and professes a fear of "other" people... you know, "them". 
2. He keeps eating your food from the fridge... despite the very passive-aggressive notes you leave on it. 
1. Force choke-related injuries are up 147% on last quarter.