Occupy Alderaan

The Galactic Empire is pleased to confirm that today's "Occupy Alderaan" protests ended swiftly and peacefully.

Sorry, "fully in pieces".

An Open Letter to The Pentagon Re: The Death Star

Dear The Pentagon,

In the September-October issue of your in-house acquisition magazine, Defense AT&L, in an article entitled "Don't Come to the Dark Side: Acquisition Lessons From A Galaxy Far, Far Away", Air Force Lt. Col. Dan Ward took the time to explain why building Death Stars is a "bad idea".

You know what else is a bad idea, Lt. Dan? Having the same name as that guy with no legs from Forrest Gump. And getting the people who own the largest laser in the universe angry at you. Prepare to witness the firepower of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL letter of rebuttal.

In your introductory paragraph you said that, "any enormous project that is brain-meltingly complex, ravenously consumes resources, and aims to deliver an Undefeatable Ultimate Weapon is [...] not a good thing." Isn't it, The Pentathlon? Isn't it? What's so complex about a 160km-across superlaser powered by a gigantic hypermatter reactor and equipped with 123 hyperdrive field generators tied into a navigational field matrix? Maybe we should have just built a giant outerspace slingshot instead. Would that have been simple enough for you, the Pentathlon? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a forked stick and rubber band that big? No, of course you don't. What a ridiculous suggestion.

And yes, you're right, the Death Star does ravenously consume resources. But only the resources of incredibly evil planets where they weren't really doing anything good with them anyway. It's an absolute TRAVESTY how many planets are out there just floating in space, totally utopian and idyllic and untouched by the hand of progress/strip mining and deforestation. You know what? Not on our watch. We say progress for EVERYBODY! Because we care. Not like you. How many countries have YOU "helped"/ruthlessly invaded in order to steal their natural resources for yourselves. Hardly ANY. Amateur.

Next you brought up the Death Star's "operational shortcomings" and, surprise, surprise, the whole "critical vulnerability" in our unprotected exhaust port. Well excuuuuse us, Mr. Perfectagon. Does it offend your precious sensibilities that we have one teensy little flaw? Maybe if you bothered to look a little closer, you'd see that we've got a lot of great things going on too, like our cantina's famous Penne Arrabiata. Didn't Mrs. Perfectagon ever teach you not to judge a monolithic death laser by its ominous gunmetal grey cover? It sure sounds to us like SOMEBODY had a pretty tough time as a baby Pentagon. You probably didn't even get to do fun stuff like play video games or eat chocolate because you're a building and don't have hands, or taste buds.

Anyway, like YOU'RE so amazing. We took a look at some of YOUR operational shortcomings, Mr. Perfectagon. We even made it into a LIST to make it really simple for you. You:

1. Are made of bricks. Nice impenetrable defensive system!
2. Don't have any shield generators on nearby forest moons.
3. Can't reach lightspeed.
4. Can't even FLY AT ALL. LAME.
5. House no planet destroying superlasers, or even a single turbolaser battery.
6. Can't disguise yourself as a small moon.

Checkmate, the Pentagram. Death Star 1 Pentameter 0. Except you didn't even know you were playing the game, which makes it DOUBLE SPACE CHECKMATE. Death Star 4 Pentacle -7.

You go on to mention that the Death Star only fired its main weapon once as if that's some kind of a bad thing. Do you know what that means, The Octagon? It means the Death Star has hit absolutely everything it's fired at. That's a 100% accuracy rate, my feckless five-sided friend. That's better than any weapon YOU'VE ever invented, planet destroying or otherwise. In fact, that probably makes it the greatest weapon ever created in the history of everything. Ever. Not to mention the fact that a VAST majority of other evil supergenius' doomsday weapons never even get to fire at all, which makes us WAY ahead of the curve.

Then there's the whole suggesting that Darth Vader is a "bad" project manager because he's "evil" and a "murderous tyrant who demanded obedience". Wow, The Pentathlete. Really? Darth Vader isn't "evil", he's a Sith Lord. It's part of his RELIGIOUS BELIEFS to Force choke the occasional a-hole. Haven't you ever heard of freedom of religion? Probably not because you're a BUILDING. Also, you can't be a "murderer" if the murderees really deserved it. It's called Self-Defence From Extreme Stupidity and Incompetence. It's a complex legal thing that you probably wouldn't understand.

Finally, the Pentagon, we take issue with your suggestion that Astromech droids like R2-D2 are a "better" investment than the Death Star because building a moon-sized death laser is "unaffordable" and "impractical". Really? If Death Stars are SO unaffordable, then how come we built TWO? And the second one was EVEN BIGGER AND COOLER AND TOTALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE BECAUSE IT HAS A SHIELD NOW. BOOM! We just Alderaaned your mind, didn't we, the Pentahlon?

Did you even see R2-D2 in that swamp on Dagobah? He was as useless as pants on a Wookiee. And Artoo might have somehow lucked his way through many Star Wars, but did you ever stop to notice how many other Astromech droids get totally blown to pieces in every second scene? BANTHALOADS.

Are you trying to tell us that, given the choice, you'd REALLY rather have a few R2-D2's than your very own Death Star hovering up in the night sky, ready to shine the Green Light of Justice and Freedom/Planetary Destruction down on your enemies?

We didn't think so, the Pentagon, we didn't think so.

Yours Sithcerely,

The Galactic Empire.



Source: Wired.com.

Now You Can Finally Get Those Power Converters From Tosche Station

Earth astronomers have made what could be the most important scientific breakthrough in the history of everything on your planet: they've proven that Star Wars is real.

NASA's Kepler space telescope has detected a planet, Kepler-16b, that orbits two suns. And the best news? It's a mere 200 light years from Earth! That's almost close enough to watch a venerable Jedi Master recklessly and unnecessarily endanger a small child's life in next month's Boonta Eve Classic pod race if you leave now! And have a spaceship with a functioning hyperdrive.

Video via Mashable.

Now you too can suffer from heat exhaustion as you wander the overly sunny streets of Mos Eisley looking for droids in full body armour, take a ride on Jabba's Sail Barge (no, not THAT kind of ride, you filthy degenerate. Okay, wait, apparently THAT kind of ride is available too, carry on), or just spend a weekend unwinding by killing a few tribes of Sand People.

Of course, the main reason why this discovery is so exciting is because it proves scientifically beyond any shadow of a doubt that ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING IN STAR WARS IS 100% FACTUAL.

Lightsabers, cocky space pirates, kleptomaniacal swamp-dwelling grammatically incorrect goblins, dashingly handsome cape-wearing Sith Lords and, of course, the Death Star.

"But just because one thing turned out to be real doesn't mean it's all real!" we hear you protest. Of COURSE it is. That's how SCIENCE works, fictional protestor. Don't you know anything? Maybe you should look it up some time in a book on SCIENCE.

Still not convinced? Then put a plastic drop cloth whatever you're sitting on and prepare to have your mind blown, because NASA also found the Death Star.

The "Death Star" galaxy is firing jets of lethal radiation and X-rays at its neighbouring galaxy from the massive black hole at its centre. Assumedly because the apparently "peaceful" neighbouring galaxy is harbouring known terrorists and really, really deserves to be bombarded with cosmic rays of death.

So it's all 100% real. ALL of it. Which means we'll see you next Tuesday. You're good for planetary destruction at around 4pm, right?

Is Steve Jobs Building the Galactic iMpire?

It was announced this week that Apple now has more money than the US Government. As its financial woes continue, the US Treasury's cash balance fell below $US74 billion, dropping below Apple's cash store of $US76 billion. But what does this actually mean? The answer is clear: Steve Jobs is building the Galactic iMpire on Earth.


Death Star PR charts the rise and rise of iMperor Jobs.


Early days
Like most powerful wizards, Steve Jobs was orphaned at an early age. He was raised in California, a desert, by adoptive parents who never told him his true parents were actually still alive, or that he had a sister. He dropped out of college after only one semester in the early 1970's and began work for Atari, assumedly building annoying protocol droids from junk parts. He then travelled to India and became a Buddhist (Brown robes? Check. Impossible ethical standards? Check. Junk about being one with everything? Check.)

Rise to power
But how does a college drop out become ruler of a planet-wide evil Empire from such humble beginnings? We know that Jobs took his first step down the dark path when he cheated his partner, Steve Wozniak, out of $2150 in an early deal with Atari, before they founded Apple Computers together. Having had his first bite of the Apple taste of the Dark Side, Jobs began a Machiavellian rise to the top of the computing game, using a convoluted plan involving purchasing Pixar (previously owned by none other than Lucasfilm) and some incredibly boring stuff about space taxation.

Even in his youth, Steve Jobs reached for the Death Stars.

iMperor of Apple
After a hiatus from Apple to work on other evil projects, Jobs returned as CEO, turning it into one of the most successful IT companies in the world. One of his first acts as CEO was to make it impossible for anyone to make Macintosh Clones, thus ostensibly ending the Clone Wars. However, behind his public persona as a charismatic, highly persuasive leader was an aggressive and demanding personality who caused widespread fear amongst his employees by Order 66'ing many of them. With no one to stand in his way, Jobs triumphantly announced himself undisputed iMperor of Apple at the 2000 Macworld Expo.

Personal fortune
As well as holding more than 5 million shares in Apple, Jobs sold Pixar to Disney (an evil corporation whose sole reason for existence is to take as much money from small children and their parents as possible) in exchange for becoming its largest individual shareholder, with a whopping 7% (almost 6% more than anyone else).

Power... UNLIMITED POWER!!!
Now with wealth and power beyond measure, Jobs was finally free to begin turning people to the Dark Side in earnest. His devices were temptingly attractive, seductively powerful and incredibly easy to use, but they also came at a high price, in that they literally cost a crapload of money. Most importantly of all, short battery life, inability to synch with anything except that one specific version of iTunes you have on your old computer and antenna issues caused countless many consumers to give in to their anger in violent fits of rage.

 Look familiar?

An Apprentice and an army
A Sith Lord is nothing without his apprentice to kill off the competition and iMperor Jobs was no different, yet he was not content with one black-clad evil magic cyborg to do his bidding. Instead, Jobs made millions, and an army of familiarly white-and-black armoured iMperial troopers to go along with them. Together, they conquered the world.

Health "concerns"
More recently, Jobs' appearance changed dramatically and he appeared to be suffering from health concerns supposedly caused by "cancer". The reality was so much simpler: through countless years of study, dedication and the occasional cold blooded murder, Jobs had mastered the arts of the Dark Side.

It's now only a matter of time before his patented "Stevenotes" become even more exciting.

Building an iDeath Star
Of course, no Galactic iMpire would be complete without building a Death Star and iMperor Jobs has already taken the first steps towards ensuring the iDeath Star's construction. Apple's proposed circular "spaceship" headquarters in Cupertino, California, is undoubtedly the skeleton for a spherical moon-sized doomsday laser that will one day be used to blow up planets and ensure that iMperial rule lasts forever.

And so it begins.

So enjoy your freedom while it lasts, Earth. It's only a matter of time now before iMperor Jobs rules you all with a sleek, feature-packed next generation iRon Fist (v.4).

The Galappletic iMpire: Think Sitherent.

This Death Star Cosplay Dress is Fully Armed and Operational

On the Star Wars Official Blog this week, the incomparable Bonnie Burton brought our attention to the greatest costume based on a moon-sized doomsday device the Galaxy has ever seen.

At this year's San Diego Comic-Con International, actress, Star Wars fan and YouTube vlogger Jennifer Landa sported a Death Star dress with a TIE Interceptor hairband.

 

Before you ask gentlemen, we can assure you that Jennifer's costume is based on the Death Star v.3, which is certified as having no known structural flaws, external shield generator problems or feral teddy bear infestations whatsoever. So don't even think about it.

Suffice it to say, this kind of dedication to the Dark Side has melted our black hearts. Jennifer, if you ever want a date with Darth Vader (okay fine, or the PR Team), send us an email.

Read Bonnie's full interview with Jennifer and see more pictures on the Star Wars blog.

Pictures by Bonnie Burton.

A Death Star For America

Dear Friends,

It is a dark time for the United States of America. It's no secret that the once-great nation of America is in trouble. On August 2nd, the US will reach its debt ceiling of $14.3tn and be unable to borrow more money. The results of defaulting on this debt for America, and Earth's economy, could be catastrophic, leading to the collapse of the global money market. Plus, the AT-AT for America campaign got canned.

But this isn't the first time this has happened, friends. Allow us, if we may, to tell you a little story from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. The Galactic Senate's incompetence, employment of Jar Jar Binks, investment in protracted wars and spending on big government had brought the Republic to the brink of chaos. But one man had a dream. A dream of streamlined government, of job security for all and, most importantly, of peace in our time.

As Emperor, Palpatine cut government spending and increased efficiency by 2,000% by firing (sometimes literally) all of the other politicians and installing himself as ruler of a totalitarian dictatorship. With the valiant Darth Vader at his side, Palpatine ended the Clone Wars by bravely ordering the Jedi be assassinated, then brought the troop home. All 60,000 of him. But most importantly of all, friends, he gave the Galaxy a symbol of hope. He gave them a shining green light in the darkness. He gave them the Death Star.

That's right, friends, the solution to America's problems is simple: build your own Death Star.

Friends, the Death Star for America Project will need strong leadership. Someone with great charisma, a "take no prisoners/kill anybody who disagrees with you" and preferably the ability to shoot lightning from their hands. This leader, let's call them "Emperor Palpatine" for the sake of argument, will make the tough decisions that no democratically elected parliament ever could, and in 1/10th the amount of time. Some might call it having no "rights" or "freedoms" or "say". We like to think of it as "streamlining your political options".

Constructing a Death Star will see the end of unemployment on your planet once and for all. Assembling a 160km-across moon-sized battlestation armed with a planet-destroying superlaser will require a lifetime of commitment from virtually every man and woman on Earth. Also children, whose small hands are excellent for cleaning the difficult-to-reach parts in broken machinery.

Similarly, your exacting schedule and challenging working conditions will save you countless trillions of dollars by ensuring that the need for aged care pensions and welfare payouts will disappear completely.

Once you've begun building your Death Star, your money woes will become a thing of the past, friends. You won't need to borrow any. In fact, you won't even need to pay any of what you owe back. People from other countries will generously give you money, completely of their own free will, because you'll be building a giant death laser capable of disintegrating them from space, which may or may not need to be test fired a couple of times on non-compliant countries.

Environmental concerns won't be an issue either, as what little of the planet is left after you've stripped it of all of its precious metals and other essential resources will barely classify as an environment. Hey, let's be honest, it's not like your current politicians or big businesses were planning on doing any different.

Warfare will be no more. The Death Star for America Project will inspire humanity's imagination in a way no human endeavour ever has before. The people of Earth will realise that you can do more than shoot for the stars: you can build a star that shoots planets. This, plus uniting people under the common goal of not being exploded from space, will make other nations flock to support your glorious cause.

There will be those who tell you it cannot be done, friends. Ignore them. They will pay the price for their lack of vision. Did Emperor Palpatine listen to people when they said, "You're crazy", or, "How did we not know that you're an evil megalomaniacal wizard intent on taking over the Galaxy", or, "Ohgodohgod, please don't blow up my planet"? No. No he did not. He built his Death Star and so can you, America.

Don't go quietly into the night, friends. If you want to save America, spread the word to all of your friends. Direct people to this page. Get inspired. Let the Galactic Empire be your guiding (Death) Star.


Oh, one more thing, friends; you're going to need a new flag. We call it "The Death Star-Spangled Banner".

You're welcome, America.

New Moon

Good news, everyone!

The Hubble Space Telescope has found a new small moon orbiting Pluto!

That's no moon. 

Alderaan: A Retrospective

Alderaan. The "Shining Star" of the Core Worlds, a peaceful planet of unparalleled beauty, rich cultural heritage and a long, proud history dating back more than 30,000 years. And yet, somehow the name has become synonymous with explosive, fiery destruction. One year on, Death Star PR takes a completely objective look back at the "Alderaan incident", at what we've lost and what we've learned, in a quest to finally uncover the truth.

 The mountains of Alderaan. Probably.

What we know
Let's start with the cold, hard FACTS. Alderaan was (almost definitely) a planet that (allegedly) existed. There are many (probably not faked) photos. At some point, for some reason (discussed below), it ceased to exist in its more well-known planetary form in the spatial location it was previously renowned for being found at.

 Alderaan: You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

What may have happened that day
From scientists to conspiracy nuts to "eyewitnesses" who were "actually there", everyone seems to have a different theory on what "actually" happened to Alderaan.

Many scientists have suggested that Alderaan may have spontaneously combusted. "Oh yes," said Professor Iluff Scyeenze, "planets do spontaneously explode all of the time. It has to do with complex gravitational forces combining with a freak build up of magma beneath the planet's mantle, as well as loads of other scientific things like exothermic reactions and the parallax effect and... umm... carbohydrates."

Another strong possibility is an unexpected strike by a huge meteor, as seen in documentaries like Armageddon with Bruce Willis.

Was this man responsible for riding an asteroid into Alderaan? We're not saying he is, but can you prove he isn't? 

More likely, however, is that Alderaan was disintegrated when it was hit by a wayward paragraph of gigantic floating yellow text, a tragic tale that has become all too common in recent years. But where exactly do these unstoppable monolithic paragraphs come from? What do they want? Are they, perhaps, some kind of expository message to us from an unknowable, unfathomable creator? For now, the answers to those questions remain a mystery.

A photograph of one of the rogue paragraphs, taken by one of the few to survive an encounter.

A small minority have even suggested that the benevolent Galactic Empire used the Death Star's superlaser to destroy Alderaan as a demonstration of the Empire's firepower, designed to frighten the Rebel Alliance into submission. Well, just about anybody can suggest anything. Maybe it was accidentally eaten by a gigantic star turtle carrying four giant elephants on its back, who in turn carry some kind of disc-shaped world on their backs. Maybe a giant space bird flew off with it. Or MAYBE it was just a "special effect" made for a "movie" using "computers" and Alderaan never really existed at all.

Who's to blame?
Assuming Alderaan did exist and was blown up? Terrorists. There's a lot of things we don't know in this crazy, mixed up galaxy we live in but one thing's for sure: terrorists are always to blame for explosions.

For years, the Rebel Alliance have been waging guerrilla warfare against the Galactic Empire, constantly disrupting our valiant attempts to bring peace, order and security to the galaxy (even if we have to very occasionally use extreme violence, oppression and fear to do it).

 Grand Moff Tarkin surveys a totally unconnected asteroid field.

Although the Rebel insurgents haven't claimed responsibility for the attack, and indeed have quite vehemently and consistently stated that the Empire is to blame, the reality is that there would be no wars of the star variety or otherwise if the Alliance simply gave up. They won't, of course. They're only too eager to risk your lives for their own selfish ends. Said Eeval Tehryryst: "We're fighting to free the entire galaxy from a ruthlessly oppressive totalitarian dictatorship led by two evil wizards." See? Selfish.

Hypothetically speaking
From a purely hypothetical, non-committal, just throwing it out there kind of a place, if Alderaan did explode and if we did it, which we are in no way suggesting is actually the case, then it would definitely have been totally, unequivocally justified.

 What the Death Star laser might look like if it was fired at Alderaan. Which it almost definitely wasn't.

If the Galactic Empire did, for example, use the Death Star's gigantic superlaser to turn Alderaan into the galaxy's newest meteor field, it would only have been to bring peace to an entire galaxy. A galaxy filled with literally thousands of planets, and possibly to teach a certain uppity Princess a lesson. Are people really going to miss one? After all, doesn't the good of the many outweigh the needs of the few (billion)?

Tarkin, Leia and Darth Vader share a laugh during some father/daughter bonding/abduction time.

Simply put, if Alderaan did get blown up by the Galactic Empire, it was the Rebellion's fault. But even if it turned out that there was some kind of "video evidence" that "proved" we were "responsible", the chances were that we were just test firing the laser when Alderaan shifted its orbit in front of it.

Final thoughts
In all of the discussion of the "horrific tragedy" that (allegedly) befell Alderaan, aren't we all forgetting something? Did the (alleged) destruction of Alderaan really happen to the Alderaanians? After all, you don't hear them bringing it up very often. Isn't it fairer to say that Alderaan happened to all of us? For it is we who must march bravely onwards, valiantly struggling to put behind us/forget completely what (may or may not actually have) happened on that fateful day.

And doesn't that make us the real heroes, in the end?

Yes. Yes it does.

The Greatest Star Wars Game You'll Never Play

If you've ever wanted to command a fleet of Star Destroyers as they bring freedom to the Galaxy by blowing up Rebel fighters, or take the role of an entree-based Rebel Commander and skillfully guide your fleet into yet another trap, this is the video game for you. Except it isn't, because you'll never get to play it.

Arthur Nishimoto's Fleet Commander was developed at the University of Illinois at Chicago's Electronic Visualization Laboratory (EVL) and runs on a 20-feet wide 16 megapixel LCD multi-touch wall.

The exceedingly kick ass looking multiplayer game, "explores how a real-time interactive strategy game that would typically rely on complex keyboard commands and mouse interactions be transferred into a multi-user, multi-touch environment."

Fleet Commander is able to use all of the Star Wars ships and sounds because it was made for a student project, which means none of us will ever get to play it.

Enjoy.

Via Topless Robot (via Kotaku).

11 Star Wars Themed Father/Son Activities You Can Do This Father's Day

To celebrate Father's Day, Death Star PR considers what we can learn from the relationships between fathers and sons, mentors and students seen in the Star Wars films, and how we can apply these lessons in the form of 11 everyday father/son activities.

11) Get Back to Nature

There's nothing quite like roughing it to bring out the MAN in you. There's something primal and inherently good about spending time in the great outdoors. Pitching a tent, hiking, canoeing, and skillfully hunting cute, innocent woodland creatures to death with high-powered guns from an extreme distance are all fun ways to get healthy while enjoying one another's company. And if you think a forest sounds a bit too pedestrian, then why not try a swamp? Leeches, spooky caves filled with psychic manifestations of evil and kleptomaniacal goblins -- what's not to love?

10) Tell Stories

Kids love a good story, but forget telling him stories about dragons and fairy godmothers and anthropomorphic singing mice. Here's your chance to go just go crazy and make a ton of shit up. Tell him his real dad died years ago! Or that he doesn't actually have a sister! Remember: lies by omission are almost as fun! So while you're wildly exaggerating the truth, make sure NOT to tell him important things he should know, like the fact that you chopped his real dad to bits, because let's face it, that stuff can be a bit of a downer on your special day.

9) Play hide and seek

Parents are often so busy working and doing stuff that they sometimes forget to enjoy themselves, or to spend precious family time playing with their kids. But not in the Star Wars universe, where there is a grand tradition of father/son types enjoying all sorts of fun games together. Games like Pin the Lightsaber in the Stomach of Your Friend and Operation: Cyborg Sith Lord edition. Though no matter which galaxy you're in, Hide and Seek is always a classic choice for good, wholesome fun. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader played one game for over twenty years, but even Old Ben couldn't take Yoda's spot as Undefeated Hide and Seek Champion of the Galaxy. Vader and Luke also played a rousing round, with the Sith Lord sending probe droids all across the galaxy just to find his son.

8) Break in to a high security government facility/prison

For the more thrill-seeking father/son combinations, not much gets the adrenalin pumping more than breaking into the most heavily guarded, high security prison/government facility in the galaxy to rescue a Princess. Sure, it may result in dad's eventual death at the hands of his evil magic cyborg ex-BFF but the important thing is, he'll be dead you'll have had a hoot of a time with an incredibly noble death at the end of it.

7) Or gamble on death races!

If you can't think of a Princess worth saving, or believe that a modern day Princess should be quite capable of rescuing herself, thank you very much, but still crave that adrenalin fix, why not sign your kid up for an incredibly high-speed, potentially deadly pod race? Make it more thrilling by gambling heavily and irresponsibly on the outcome, but make sure you use your magic powers to cheat if you possibly can! Don't be alarmed: all of morally reprehensible stuff is OKAY because you're A GOOD GUY.

6) Become One with the Force

We see some of you sad sacks sobbing away as you read this going, "But my dad died, how am I supposed to celebrate Father's Day?" Well cheer up, because we've got news for you: your dad isn't dead, he just became one with the Force. He never left your side. Which means he's watching you right now. He's ALWAYS been watching you. And yes, that means he was watching you last night when you got home from work late and decided to have some alone time on that special website you don't tell your wife about. Think about how much fun you'll have now, doing EVERYTHING TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

5) Confront your issues

There's no greater gift than the gift of forgiveness, except maybe the gift of a giant planet-destroying laser, or at least some kind of huge walking armoured behemoth capable of crushing your enemies underfoot like twigs. Okay, so the forgiveness thing maybe isn't "Top 5" gift material, but it's still right up there. One thing people don't do in the Star Wars universe is avoid their problems. Have an issue with your former best friend/father figure turning against you and trying to steal your incredibly hot forbidden wife? Talk it out. Don't let it fester and turn you into that douchey passive aggressive person. Calmly discuss your issues and move on, which in our galaxy means "Grab a lightsaber and attack one another in a no-holds barred battle to the death, until one of you moves on... to another plane of existence".

4) Visit Hives of Scum and Villainy

Obi-Wan and Luke's visit to that cantina in Mos Eisley taught us that visiting seedy bars is a super way for a father figure and his impressionable young ward to spend some quality time together. Whether you're making friends with smugglers, getting drunk with angry space bears, cutting off the arms of people trying to make friendly chatter, or just watching your new mate casually pre-emptively murder aliens, a great time will be had by all. Well, apart from the people you sent to the hospital and/or morgue.

3) Execute Order 66

If you want a healthy father/son relationship, it's essential to share hobbies that you both enjoy. Things like baseball and video games give you something to bond over, as well as something to talk about instead of doing scary stuff like sharing your actual feelings. They also help your child learn valuable lessons like, "Teamwork, yay!" and, "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well." And if that hobby happens to be the total elimination of an entire order of magical peacekeeping space monks, so be it. At least it has less of a social stigma than making model trains.

2) Build a Death Star

If sharing hobbies can bring a father and son closer together, having a project can be the ultimate bonding experience. Yes, there will be frustrations and times where things don't go to plan, but that all pales compared to the joy of achieving a goal you've been working towards for years. If you think that building a tree house together makes for some great memories, imagine the laughs you'll share looking back on your 20+ year, $15.6 septillion building project that involved draining the natural resources, and utilising the slave labour, of hundreds of worlds.

1) Rule the Galaxy as Father and Son

Cost of building a Death Star: $15.6 septillion. Supporting the infrastructure required to ruthlessly oppress an entire galaxy: $835 septillion. Running the family business together: Priceless.

Passive Aggressive Post-it Notes 1

When you work for Darth Vader, the only thing worse than the constant Force chokes and lightsaber-related workplace "incidents" are the passive aggressive Post-it notes he's always leaving around the office.

Here's today's:

Art by the incomparable Max Harris.

How to: Beat Up Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan Kenobi is one of the most dangerous men who ever lived. He was the first Jedi to kill a Sith Lord in over 1,000 years, offed General Grievous, a psychotic four-armed lightsaber-wielding cyborg, and trained the terrorist who ended up blowing up the first Death Star. But don't worry, you don't need to be a total badass to take him down. Just follow our simple "How to" guide.



Make sure and use our handy visual guide to figure out which version of Obi-Wan you're fighting!


Young Obi-Wan

Okay, let's tackle young Obi-Wan. Warning: do not literally tackle him, unless by "tackle" you mean "run over with something fast and heavy, preferably a spaceship", or "shoot him a lot from as far away as possible". Anyway, you shouldn't tackle him because he has magical powers and will probably see it coming and do a fancy Jedi flip out of the way, then chop you in half with his lightsaber.

Do you have magical powers and a lightsaber? (No, the ability to sometimes be singing a song, then two seconds later you turn on the radio and hear it doesn't count.) If yes, step one is easy: find an evil sorceror willing to train you in the ways of the Dark Side of the Force. Train in secret for 10-15 years. Step two, cunningly lure Obi-Wan and his Master into the nearest industrial complex, preferably a power core of some description. Step three, distract young Obi-Wan by killing his Master (easy), then knock him into a reactor shaft while he's angry. Now comes the crucial part: DON'T LET HIM OUT. Stab him in the head with your lightsaber, Force push him, throw a shoe at him, whatever - just don't stand there and gloat like an idiot.

If you don't have magical powers, don't give up, you can still do this. You see, young Obi-Wan is petulant and kind of a dumbass. He can be tricked, because the Force is with him, but it also thinks he's a bit of a dick, so it will look away instead of helping him when it can. Young Obi-Wan has a secret weakness: he'll always do the exact opposite of whatever Qui-Gon says. So just invite him over to your house and be all casual and say something like, "Hey guy, my garbage disposal is on the fritz! Ain't it always the way, etc, etc," then, reverse psychology him. "Oh, but don't worry about it. Qui-Gon says you're no good with fixing stuff and stuff." Boom! Just try and stop him from checking that thing out. The second he does, you pounce! Shove his head straight into it. His stupid rat's tail hair thing will get caught and within seconds it's game over.

Jedi Master Obi-Wan

Yes, he has a beard now but DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU. To understand how to defeat Jedi Master Obi-Wan, you must first understand what he loves doing: delivering lectures. Give him what he wants and he will be putty in your cyborg hands. Speaking of putty, it will help if you have some. Put it in your ears now. Then marry someone inappropriate. Any Princess is fine, really.

You're ready for the next step, but first make sure you're nowhere near a river of molten lava. There's none? You're sure? Good. Now tell Obi-Wan about the stuff you did, but also mention some other stuff about how you may have killed a few Sand People, forgot to put in your tax return for the last few years and cheated in Monopoly. Just go crazy. Confess to anything and everything that pops into your head but DON'T LET HIM SPEAK. Stop only when his face goes beet red.

This is where the putty comes in. Obi-Wan will unleash a self-righteous lecture of such epic proportions it will rip a hole in the space-time continuum and become the original boring, self-righteous lecture. But you won't have to hear any of it. Instead, you'll just be shaking your head and nonchalantly going, "Nuh uh!" every so often. Let this go on for several hours, the longer the better. Let the little guy tucker himself out. Eventually he'll begin to get drowsy, which is when you stab him in the head with your lightsaber.

Old Man Ben Kenobi

This is the easiest, most effective way to beat Obi-Wan, but it's also something of a long game. Only the most patient Obi-Wan haters will be able to go the distance. But hey, if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing incredibly slowly over several decades.

Wait until he's really old, like pensioner old, and has been living in a cave for 20 years letting himself get rusty (NOTE: during this time, you should have remained FROSTY in exact inverse proportion to his rustiness.). Then pick a fight.

Remember: he's old now. At some point he will get tired, or remember he forgot to drink his prune juice that morning, or his mind will drift off thinking about those darned kids next door who keep kicking their ball into his backyard. This is the moment you've been waiting for! Strike like a genetically engineered super cobra who has arms and a robotic body specifically built for rapid striking.

Congratulations, you've just defeated one of the hardest Jedi to have ever lived. You have gained the rank of Galactic badass.

The Greatest LEGO Diorama in the Galaxy

Imperial Employee of the Month Jay Hoff has been hard at work building the greatest LEGO Diorama in this or any other Galaxy. An impressive, most impressive 37,000 pieces of LEGO (as well as, presumably, a scary amount of time and money), including 388 mini-figurines, went into this custom commemoration of the Emperor's arrival on the second Death Star.

This great moment in Imperial history was made in 2011 for Science Discovery Day at Berkeley Preparatory School in Tampa. It uses an Imperial Shuttle Kit with custom designed Death Star hangar.

And yes, if you look closely enough, you might be able to spot a few Clone Troopers and a cameo appearance by Darth Maul, but only because they were really there at the time. Weren't you paying attention?

Thanks to Chris Nagle via Blastr for the tip.