The Most Terrifying Thing You'll See This Week

You know what the Galaxy doesn't have enough of? Horrifying baby dolls that will come to life at night time and devour your gall bladder while you're asleep.

That is, until now. Master Artist Traci Ann Lister has created a series of reborn baby dolls based on Harry Potter characters for some reason and they are ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TERRIFYING.

If these are actually toys that regular, non-institutionalised, non-parent murdering children on your planet play with, we can't decide whether to be worried or really, really impressed.

Baby Voldemort, or "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Changed", easily the most terrifying of the terrifying doll baby monsters. As is to be expected. And with a nose, too! Nice work, Lord V.

Baby Harry, going incognito without the giant glasses.

Baby Hermione. You can tell because it has eyes and a nose, much like Hermione.

Baby Ewok. Not actually included in the set, but just as frightening. Thankfully, nothing could top this for horribleness, ri--

OH GOD! OH GOD! O. M. F. G! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

Baby Lupin. If you ignore the hair, he's actually kind of cute. If by "cute" you mean "must be put down on sight using silver bullets."

Baby Snape. Or as we like to call him, "Baby Senor Chang from Community".

 

Baby Dobby. Okay, SERIOUSLY, who in God's name would actually buy this monstrosity?

Good luck sleeping normally ever again.

Source: SMH.

Lord Voldemort: Behind the Basilisk

With the Deathly Hallows Part 2 due to hit cinemas on July 13^th, the impending death of Harry Potter to celebrate and the total domination of the world to plan for, Twitter’s one and only Lord Voldemort is one very busy evil wizard.

Thankfully, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed” found the time to answer a few of Death Star PR’s questions about eternal life, taking over the universe and everything.

DSPR: Firstly, congratulations on being the first “fictional” character to pass 1 million Twitter followers. How does one celebrate such a momentous milestone?

LV: I would tell you but the celebration is revealed only to those who make it to this momentous milestone. Yes, Gaga, Britney, Bieber, NASA & I are all in the know about this secret. Like I said, I’d share; but horrible things tend to happen to people who try and enter my chamber of secrets when they shouldn’t...

DSPR: Speaking of Lady Gaga, she dresses crazier than Bellatrix Lestrange and calls herself “Mother Monster”, and Charlie Sheen recently claimed he was the world’s most powerful warlock. Are today’s celebrities just trying to ride on your cloaktails?
LV: It’s upsetting to me that people feel they can leech off of my fame. I know a thing or two about living off of someone else; I did live in Quirrel’s head.  Let me tell you; while unicorn blood is refreshing and quenches your near-death thirst, there is nothing better than living on your own. (Unless it’s seven of you living on your own in various places of course). These people need to find their own thing. Look at Cedric Diggory. He realized being yet another whiny, wizard, git didn’t work for him so he took up sparkling. Do I advise this route? No. But to each his own.

DSPR: People see your movie star good looks, plush velour bathrobes, exotic pets and all the other trappings of superstardom, and forget that you’re a self-made man. Has the road to success been an easy one for you?

LV: The road to my success was neither easy nor hard… it was non-existent. You don’t need a road to success when you can apparate to success; or, better yet, fly.

 

DSPR: Dumbledore was the yin to your yang, the beard to your clean-shaven look, the dead to your still alive. Are there any positives you can take out of that relationship now that he’s gone?

LV: Well, as you stated, Dumbledore and I were opposites. I plan on continuing our yin-yang relationship & fully embracing the being alive to his dead.

DSPR: Speaking of Dumbledore’s demise, it seems like Severus Snape has finally made himself useful. What are the best and worst things about having henchmen?

LV: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Dumbledore…. well Dumbledore never fully embraced the whole “henchman-are-useful” mentality. I like to think of them less as “henchmen” and more “evil groupies”.  I’d say the best thing about having Henchmen is the loyalty. You know, people like Wormtail are literally willing to give their right arm to serve me. Snape? Well that’s the kind of guy who would never, ever stab me in the back. I mean, there’s a better chance that Hagrid would become a professor than Snape betraying me. As if that would ever happen. The worst thing is that I started some kind of weird trend. Now every group feels the need to “name” themselves. It’s worse than the asinine “couple-naming” that people do.  My name is already ridiculous enough, I don’t need you adding to it. Now there are “Beliebers,” “Little Monsters,” “Smilers.” I think they should all group themselves together and form a new group. We can call them ‘dead’.

DSPR: Just between us, can you share any “Deathly Hallows Part 2” spoilers with us? Is that Harry kid finally going to get what he deserves?

LV: I think you’ll be surprised by the ending. They haven’t let me see it yet but I’ve been promised that it would be completely different than this “book” ending. One that reflects what REALLY happened. As you know from my previous interview, that “JK Rowling” character got into a bit of a tiff with me when I refused her advances. Suddenly I was “evil,” “couldn’t love” and she refused to even speak my name. Drama-queen. She really crucioed my patience so I’ve been promised that this will be a more accurate reflection of a wizard who knows how to make magic and loves playing with his snake. Wait…

DSPR: Between Harry “The Boy Who Lived” Potter being famous just for not dying and the cast of Jersey Shore being famous for being stupid, does it ever surprise you that there are still people out there who don’t want you to take over the world?

LV: It does. It really does. I mean, can anybody get famous nowadays? What happened to the good old days where you DIDN’T want people to say your name? I go around helpfully killing off stupidity faster than Bella Swan can kill someone’s patience and all I get is complaining.

DSPR: When it comes to magic, is it the materials of your wand or how you use it?
LV: I mean, my wand is thirteen inches. I don’t need felix felicis to get “lucky” if you know what I’m saying. That being said, it’s definitely about how you use your wand but when I meet a special lady I’ll let her see what’s inside it…

DSPR: With the occasional attempted avada kedavraing of unaccompanied minors and assorted Muggles, wizards, etc, you’ve developed something of a “bad boy” reputation. Is that a fair assessment?

LV: Listen, I speak the truth (as well as sarcasm and parseltongue) and if that makes me “bad” then so be it. However, I can never be a bad “boy” as I’m not a boy. Really, if you think about it, I’m teaching a valuable lesson. Don’t want to be killed? Don’t suck. It’s as simple as that.

DSPR: Finally, you mentioned you speak parseltongue. Out of curiousity, do snake’s have anything interesting to say?

LV: My snake has a lot of interesting things to say. Ladies, if you’d like to know more, I’d be happy to introduce you some time.

DSPR: Lord Voldemort, it’s been an absolute pleasure talking to you. Thank you for allowing us to enter your chamber of secrets once again.

Click here to read our first exclusive "Behind the Wand" interview with Lord Voldemort. 

FAME! Voldemort's Gonna Live Forever!

Death Star scientists have been hard at work sifting through Earth pop songs to better understand your planet, mostly so we can write accurately about it in the requisite Form 27B/42-QQ: Permission to Kindly and At Great Personal Expense Relocate a Planetary Body to a Higher Plane of Existence.

What we discovered may shock you: First, pop music makes no sense whatsoever.

The other thing we noticed was much more intriguing: If you think about it, the song "Fame" by Irene Cara is 100% about Lord Voldemort. In fact, it's so obviously an ode to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed that it couldn't possibly be about anything else.

 He's gonna live forever.

Baby look at me [Baby Harry, obviously]
And tell me what you see

You ain't seen the best of me yet [He's saving that for Book 7]
Give me time I'll make you forget the rest [Confundus charms work wonders]

I got more [evil] in me
And you can set it free [by dying]
I can catch the moon in my hands [Lumos!]
Don't you know who I am?

Remember my name [but don't say it out loud]

(Fame)

I'm gonna live forever [seven horcruxes, baby]
I'm gonna learn how to fly [literally]

(High)

I feel it [my old body] coming [back] together
People will see me and cry [that does inexplicably happen from time to time]

(Fame)

I'm gonna make it to heaven [heaven=metaphor for being totally awesome]
Light up the sky like a flame [the Dark Mark]

(Fame)

I'm gonna live forever
Baby remember my name [they tend to do that when you kill their parents]

Remember x 8

Baby hold me tight [this bit is about his basilisk, sickos!]
Cause you [Harry] can make it right [by dying]
You can shoot me straight to the top
Give me love [my Horcrux] and take all I've got to give [Avada Kedavra!]

Baby I'll be tough
Too much [world domination] is not enough
I can ride your heart til it breaks [a new spell. Good for parties]
Ooh I got what it takes [they don't call him the Dark LORD for nothing]

Fame
I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna learn how to fly (High)

I feel it coming together
People will see me and cry die (Fame)

I'm gonna make it to heaven
Light up the sky like a flame (Fame)

I'm gonna live forever
Baby remember my name (Fame)

7 Reasons Ladies Love Lord Voldemort

It's a fact that ladies love a bad boy. Whether it's the thrill of living dangerously, the hope that he can be changed, or just a chance to stick it to mum and dad, there's something about evilness that drives women wild. But James Dean is dead and leather jackets aren't as cool as they used to be, so what's a girl to do? Wizards, of course. And in the wizarding world, there's no bigger bad boy than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Here are just seven of the reasons ladies love Lord Voldemort.

1) He's good at his job
Nobody wants to go out with an incompetent bumbler. Confidence and competence are the ultimate aphrodisiacs. Ladies want someone who's good at what they do. Someone who can inspire his followers and push the boundaries of his chosen field. As the most powerful, most feared dark wizard of all time, with thousands of Death Eaters hanging off his every word, Voldemort fits the bill perfectly.

2) He speaks multiple languages

As the world becomes more an increasingly global community, the ability to speak a second language is imperative. Not to mention a great way to romance the ladies. And as far as the language of love goes, Parseltongue is the new French.

3) He knows how to use his wand

Everyone's looking for someone who makes them feel that special spark. As the world's premiere sorceror, Voldemort can make you feel things you've never felt before. Like extreme pain or the strange tingling sensation you feel a second before being turned inside out.

4) He's passionate about his hobbies

 
There's nothing worse than dating a one-note wonder, somebody who has no interests and will bore you to death over dinner with pointless anecdotes about that hilarious time they filled out Form 27-B incorrectly. Modern women want to date a compelling man who has a range of interests. As well as taking over the world, Lord Voldemort's hobbies include sudoku, meeting Robert Downey Jnr. and killing Harry Potter in as many horrible ways as possible.

5) He plans ahead

Some men never think about the future. Happy to just cruise through life, these guys never put anything away for a rainy day, or take out the home insurance you've been bugging them for weeks about. And then one day they're gone and you're left with nothing. Voldemort, on the other hand, always has an eye on the horizon. Between listening to prophecies and making seven Horcruxes to ensure his own immortality, the Dark Lord will always be there for you. Whether you like it or not.

6) He's not big on appearances
Let's face it, most men are sexist pigs. They don't care how many degrees you have, or that you revolutionised scientific thought by formulating a widely accepted, consistent framework for unified field theory. They only care about how you look naked. Lord Voldemort, on the other hand, is a sensitive new age guy who doesn't care about appearances. This is clearly demonstrated by the fact that he hangs out with Helena Bonham Carter. When you have no nose or hair and wear a robe everywhere, you're pretty much guaranteed to be above such petty concerns.

7) He knows what women want

Literally. As a skilled Legilimens, the Dark Artist formerly known as Tom Riddle can read your mind, plucking out your deepest, darkest desires. And then use them against you to further his plans for world domination.


Don't even pretend you're not interested, ladies.

Lord Voldemort: Behind the Wand

Twitter's Lord Voldemort: You know him as You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and the Dark Lord, but we like to think of him as “He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Blamed”; wizard of unparalleled magical ability, visionary, snake charmer, and conqueror of death itself. But what is the man behind the wand really like?
Death Star PR talks exclusively to the enigma wrapped in a mystery inside a box of secrets protected by a plethora of killing curses.

DSPR: You’ve come back from the dead (kudos) with a brand new, more streamlined, less nose-y look. Why the bold fashion statement?

LV: Well, as you know, Hollywood has a bit of a habit of bringing celebrities whose careers are dead back to life. I knew I needed a similar comeback. I tried shaving my head like Britney, but that didn’t work. I donned some crazy, drape like ensemble ala Gaga. Nothing. I was telling a whiny servant to stop being so damn nosey when all of a sudden it hit me.

DSPR: You have well over 400,000 Twitter followers now. Why do you think so many people love your off-the-cuff social commentary?
LV: Well, I like to think I have a rapport with my followers. My Twitter gives them access into, no pun intended, my chamber of secrets. Every one of my tweets is for them and is a window into my soul. Not literally, of course. It allows a one-on-one connection which is perfect for reminding them that I will crucio them into the next decade if they dare unfollow. Also, the ladies love a smooth talking badass with a, quite literally, killer tat.

DSPR: You’ve had a long, successful career in both the magic and entertainment industries, everyone knows your name (even if they’re too afraid to say it), and you have many insane…ly loyal followers. To what do you ascribe your great success?
LV: I guess you can say I’ve always had a way with tongues. I speak, people listen. Mainly because if they don’t I’d Avada Kedavra their asses faster than you could say ‘Edward Cullen was a Hufflepuff’. I also like to think of myself as the people’s malevolent dictator. I remember when I was living inside Quirrell’s head we got up to some fun hijinks. Business in the front, party in the back. That’s how I like to live my life. So what if those parties include general slaughter? You only live once. Unless you’re me, of course.

DSPR: Some people aren’t entirely convinced that you’re doing the world a favour by ridding it of all the Muggles. Are you?
LV: Who are these people? I want names! You know... to, uh, “gently and quietly” persuade them to see my line of thought. Cough. Yeah, uh. That’s it.

DSPR: There must be some great perks to being a wizard.What’s the best thing about being able to do magic?
LV: There’s only one way to describe magic and that’s: fanfuckingtastic. The other day I walked by some chick, magicked her skirt right up. That’s invigorating. I also enjoy the simple joys of turning off people’s alarm clocks and hiding only one of their socks. Plus I can fly. I. Can. Fly.

DSPR: The media has unfairly painted you as the “bad guy” for trying to kill Harry Potter. What’s the truth about Harry?
LV: I’m glad you asked this question. Just because I attacked a baby and violently slaughtered thousands, people seem to think I’m a bad guy. Listen muggles, there were probably tax collectors, phone solicitors and government officials somewhere in that hoard. Did you even think about that? No. Of course not; because you can’t see the bigger picture. As far as Harry goes, he’s a drama queen. Plain and simple. “Boo Hoo. Voldemort’s out to get me”. You know what his real issue was? He wanted more screen time and knew that I was taking away his spotlight with my natural charisma. It’s sad how some people let fame go to their head. One little incident, a BARELY noticeable scar and suddenly you’re a “muderder” and “evil”. I’m not even convinced I gave him the scar. I suspect the Potter’s simply were looking for a large cash settlement from a hard working individual. Tragic, really.

DSPR: Your ex-biographer, J.K. Rowling, has described you as a “raging psychopath, devoid of the normal responses to human suffering”. How do you respond to the haters?
LV: Oh, Rowling. She got her knickers in a twist after I turned down her advances. Listen, there are some ladies who talk to your snake and some who don’t if you know what I’m saying. After I rebuffed her things got cold. Suddenly I was the “crazy” one. Well, I’ve got 27 mysterious hang-up calls in a night and a very dodgy encounter in a restaurant bathroom to suggest otherwise. I mean; do I enjoy the pain and suffering of others? Sure. But honestly, who doesn’t? I don’t think wishing humanity’s downfall makes someone a psychopath. If anything, I’m an idealist.

DSPR: Teenagers always seem to be sticking their snotty noses in other people’s business and foiling carefully thought out plans for world domination. Do you have a message for the kids of today?
LV: Kids today need to learn to respect their elders. Be it of the wand variety or similar. They’re so preoccupied with their technology and meddling into other people’s lives in every way possible that they forget the simple fact that I could kick their whiny asses into the next century. With or without my wand. I’m very glad that I was never a teenager. I skipped right from birth to adult. You can do that when you achieve certain levels of evil.

DSPR: Everyone knows who you are but nobody knows about you. Describe the real You-Know-Who.
LV: What people don’t understand is that I do have a life apart from Potter. In fact, I have six. Or seven. I get a little hazy on the details. Anyway, I like collecting fine antiques & finding, um, creative uses for them. I used to advertise myself as a snake charmer before my number got put into some unsavoury ‘looking for’ ads and I’ve shied away from that.

DSPR: How do you unwind after a long day of killing people and making them fear for their lives for their own good?
LV: I’m a simple guy. I like to curl up with a nice glass of unicorn blood, a good spell book, my snake and plot out my next site of doom. People seem to think that I’m always angry, quite the contrary. Nothing brings me more joy than plotting mayhem and destruction. It is through chaos that we find order. I’m just the guy who brings that chaos.

DSPR: Finally, what does the future have in store for Lord Voldemort?
LV: Once I get my hands on that damn prophecy I’ll let you know. Only joking. I think you can expect a lot of sarcasm, my upcoming tell-all “Harry Potter: Putting the Horr-ible into Horcrux” and the desecration of all things sparkly in the near future.

DSPR: Lord Voldemort, it’s been a pleasure and an honour to survive a conversation with you. From the bottom of our black hearts, thank you for your time.