10 Rules We Can Learn About Dating From Star Wars

Star Wars can teach us valuable life lessons on just about all facets of human existence. But what lessons can we learn about dating from the holy texts? Let's find out as the Death Star PR team tell you the 10 Rules We Can Learn About Dating from Star Wars.




10. Lavish her with gifts and attention

 
You have to give it to the Ewoks. They may be feral teddy bears with a taste for human flesh but they still do one thing right: gifts! Princesses come around once in a blue that's no moon, so if you get a shot at one, you take it. So share your local delicacies with her, braid her hair, and above all, be sure to make her the guest at a feast in honour of your shiny new God. Maybe don't offer her boyfriend and brother as the main course, though. Eh. Your call.

9. Use smooth pick-up lines

Fact: everybody likes a good pick-up line. Scientific fact: an ultra-smooth opener can take you rocketing past outright disdain and revulsion to torrid lovemaking session in a matter of seconds. Now, admittedly we can't all be as smooth as the Chosen One, Anakin Skywalker, but here are some of his classics to inspire you in your quest for love, annotated with Padme's thoughts for your benefit:

"I don't like sand [Where is he going with this?]. It's coarse [True] and rough [Also true] and irritating [Nailed it again!] and it gets everywhere [Wow, this guy's life observations are spot on, he really sees into the inner workings of the universe and possibly my very soul]. Not like here [What's that? I'm still thinking about your incredibly accurate sand observatio--]. Here everything is soft and smooth [Oh snap! I see what you did there! Kudos, sir]."

"The thought of not being with you - I can't breathe [Maybe it's asthma, or... ?]. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me [Blaming me for the way you feel right now makes me feel like you're truly ready for the trials and tribulations of a mature relationship]. My heart is beating [Phew! That's a relief]... hoping that kiss will not become a scar [Your use of highly overwrought mixed metaphors is incredibly confusing... confusingly SEXY, that is]. You are in my very soul, tormenting me [You've probably got a point about the whole soul tormenting thing, I AM pretty sexy in my insanely large headdresses, etc. Let's make out]."

"One day I will become the greatest Jedi EVER [Wow, for reals?! That sounds pretty great!]! I will even learn how to stop people from dying [Whoa. Seriously? Wow. Your outrageously grandiose yet simultaneously extremely petulant ramblings turn me on like nothing else]."

8. Choose a good Wingman

A wingman's job is simple: when you hit the nearest cantina in the hope of meeting strange and exotic people aliens things of the opposite sex, your Wingman's job is to make you look good, steer you clear of any danger and help you avoid being shot down in the process. Bottom line: you need someone who's got your back, not some douche in a mustache and a cape who's going to go behind it as soon as they can and take a swing at your Princess.

7. Probably don't keep your relationship a secret

The Star Wars prequel trilogy takes great pains to tell us one thing over and over again: computer generated imagery is WAY better and more exciting than humans. But one other thing the prequels show us is that keeping a relationship secret can tear you up inside, leading to jealousy, resentment, misunderstanding and the occasional regrettable Force choking.

6. Get a dog

If you're worried that you're just not roguishly handsome enough to get the girl under your own steam, fear not, you just need a love prop. A conversational MacGuffin, if you will. Something irresistibly cute that will disable the logical side of your target's brain, thereby preventing them from asking all the typical questions they'd normally ask upon seeing you, like, "Why is that guy staring at me like he's considering what it would be like to wear my skin to the mall?" Your Love Prop is guaranteed to tractor beam your unsuspecting victims unwitting prey future Mr./Mrs. right into your waiting arms. Note: you will need a dog. Or a kitten. Or, obviously, a Wookiee. You can get those over the internet these days, right?

5. Always do a thorough background test

You know what sucks? Finding out embarrassing details about your prospective partner's past, like they used to train toy poodles for dog shows, OR that they're your sister. And the really crappy part is, this almost always happens at the worst possible time, like AFTER you've hooked up with them. So learn from the Skywalker's mistakes: always do a thorough background test first.

Seriously, we cannot stress enough how important this one is. Do it. Do it now.

4. Treat 'em mean

"Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen." The Star Wars movies are VERY clear on this. Literally the best way you can find a partner in this mixed up, crazy galaxy of ours is to be a complete and utter jerk to the person you're madly in love with. Constantly call her names she hates, like "Princess", or "Little Champy". Act like you don't care if she kisses another guy who may or may not be her brother. Whatevs, brosefina! And when she FINALLY admits her feelings and tells you she loves you, MERCILESSLY CRUSH THE LAST REMNANTS OF HER SOUL AND SELF-CONFIDENCE WITH A TOTALLY DOUCHEY, "I know".

3. Pay attention to the warning signs

This one goes out to all the ladies. We know you love a bad boy and far be it from us to argue (did we mention that we blow up planets for a living?) but there usually comes a point in a relationship when the cons start outweighing the pros. Although it can be tough picking the warning signs, usually his eyes starting to glow yellow and/or an increase in the frequency of loving Force chokes are good indications that your relationship is about to take a turn for the worse. Get out. Now.

2. If you love someone, set them free

And by this, we mean very literally, under no circumstances should you slap a gold bikini on a girl and keep her chained to you at the neck. Even if she seems really nice and her hair smells pretty. Because whilst this will keep her around in the short term, she will only grow to resent you as you turn into a fat, immobile slug in front of the TV/Rancor Pit, and one day her friends will drop by and blow up your palace whilst she chokes you to death with her own Slave Girl chain™. Which, let's face it, isn't a GREAT Saturday.

1. Once you've got a girl, never, ever let her go

Because the Star Wars documentaries make one thing exceedingly clear, guys - there are literally five women in the entire universe. Two of them are Princesses who are WAY out of your league, one of them is your sister anyway, and the other three are probably some sort of weird alien singer named Sy Snoodles who looks disturbingly like Lindsay Lohan. Bottom line, dudes: for Force sake, hang on to her.

Great Dads

Good dads give their daughter's cocky new boyfriend a stern talk.

GREAT dads have him turned into a Carbonite coffee table.

 

 

Read our letter to TIME Magazine explaining why Darth Vader is the best dad ever.

Han Shot First

 

What happens on Hoth in a tauntaun,

stays on Hoth in a tauntaun.

The Truth About Han and Chewie

Since Return of the Jedi, we haven't seen much of Han and Chewie. They never do the same talk shows, appear at the same conventions, or even reference one another in up and coming tell-all autobiographies. In fact, Han has been reluctant to even mention the Star Wars saga for many years.

Now we finally know why:

"Daniel Craig's my Wookiee bitch now!"

Via Topless Robot.

Bad Guys

Han, Leia and Luke deaths caused by Stormtrooper: 0.

Stormtrooper deaths caused by Han, Luke and Leia: 176,442.

Sorry, who are the bad guys again?

How to: Beat Up Chewbacca

So the inevitable has finally happened: you've decided you need to beat up, maim or possibly kill Chewbacca. Maybe you caught him humping the couch one too many times, or growling suggestively at your girlfriend, or perhaps you just thought his pelt would make a fine throw rug for the living room.

Regardless, you're in for the fight of a lifetime, because fighting Chewbacca is exactly like fighting a grizzly bear. A grizzly bear that has the ability to understand everything you say, strategic know-how to play space chess and fly a spaceship, the strength and desire to rip off your arms at will, and a laser gun.

Step one: get your affairs in order. Finish writing that crappy novel you subconsciously never intended to show anyone, kiss the wife and call your children into the study for one last awkward hug before telling them to run along now and turning stoically to peer out the window as a single tear runs into your moustache. Because make no mistake, if you do not follow this guide precisely, you are going to die in a horrible, horrible way.

Step two: join the Rebellion. Getting in is easy - just don't bathe for a week or so, then say things like, "Shyeah, Emperor POOPatine more like it! Amiright, you guys?" during the interview. (NOTE: Avoid overly rigorous high-fiving at this point, as you will need to conserve as much energy as possible for the fight to come)

Next, ingratiate yourself with Han. Stage a meet cute with Han where you "accidentally" run into him in the hangar bay, ending by complimenting him on his brave fashion choice of always wearing tights everywhere. Before you know it, you'll be sharing beers and listening to his stories of the "Good old days" of drug smuggling and murdering people in bars.

While you're becoming Han's best friend, bearly (GET IT?!) acknowledge Chewie, except to make jokes at his expense or get his name continually slightly wrong. Do this for five years until he gets incredibly angry and/or seems about to tear you to pieces, whichever comes first. NOTE: If you let yourself get torn to pieces, YOU'VE DONE IT WRONG. Come back with cyborg body parts and try again, and this time, for the love of God, PAY ATTENTION.

At this point, Chewie hates you. He thinks you're the biggest douchebag in the Galaxy, which is really saying something because he spends a lot of time with Han. Admit it. Tell Chewbacca you've been a dick. Say things like, "Just because you look like a walking carpet doesn't mean I should walk all over you." Maybe even cry a little (NOTE: DON'T LET ON that they are actually tears of happiness because your plan is about to come to fruition). Explain that you want to make it up to him by meeting for some one on bear time at the local Sports and Recreation Centre.

IMPORTANT NOTE RE: VENUE: At this point, Chewbacca might suggest meeting in a forest instead. DON'T DO IT. "But I can use the trees for cover and I did orienteering once in high school and I can use the numerous sticks and stones as rudimentary weapons if I need to", we hear you say. WRONG. The forest gives the space bear the home ground advantage. Fighting Chewbacca in a forest is like fighting a fat kid in a cupcake store, in that it gives them both magical powers, or something. Chewbacca will KICK YOUR ASS IN A FOREST. Sheez. With that kind of thinking you'd be driving home without any arms before you knew it. Thank god you're reading this guide instead of trying to come up with this plan by yourself. You should pay us money for saving your ass.

Meet at the Recreation Centre. Invite him to play a game of space chess but LET THE WOOKIEE WIN. Firstly, if he happens to see your fingers shaking with adrenalin or notices your steely-eyed glare of bear-killing determination, he'll just think you're being competitive. Secondly, Chewbacca will be so smug about his victory that he'll be open to whatever you suggest next.

Incredibly casually suggest a pleasant sunlit stroll outside near the pool. As you walk, distract him with your extensive knowledge of bearkind to really make him feel like you're working hard at this friendship thing, e.g. "Did you know that some male bears weigh in at over 450kg, can climb trees, and run at speeds of over 30 km/h? Or that Fozzie Bear has mauled seven puppeteers and at least one overly inquisitive journalist to death?"

By now you should be next to the swimming pool, duck pond or other large body of water (preferably filled with giant killer sharks that you have spent several years building a rapport with that will telepathically respond to your commands).

Laugh with gusto as you turn to Chewie, holding out your hand. Say, "You know what? I was wrong about you. You're alright, big fella."

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Here it comes.

The second he takes your hand, KICK HIM IN THE NUTS AND PUSH HIM IN TO THE WATER. Within seconds he'll be pulled down by the weight of his own luxurious, incredibly wet, luxurious mane of hair.


Well done, you magnificent bastard. You just defeated the most feared bear in the Galaxy in glorious, valiant single combat.


Of course, if this tactic doesn't appeal to you, you could just kill him Yuuzhan Vong-style, by dropping a moon on him.

10 Easy Ways to Get the "Leia Look"

Whether she's helping to blow up Death Stars or mercilessly killing Stormtroopers with unerring accuracy, one thing's for sure: Princess Leia Organa is one sexy terrorist. If you want to look like the galaxy's most wanted style icon this season, just follow these ten simple steps to get the "Leia Look".

10) Staple cinnamon buns to your head

Everybody's doing it. You don't want to be left out, do you? And hey, if it's good enough for a Princess, it's sure as Hoth good enough for you.

9) Enjoy a rejuvenating bath

Forget mud baths and cucumber masks, Princess Leia maintains her youthful appearance via a radical new beauty regime: spending time in trash compactors. Bathing in raw sewerage while being slowly compressed to death in exfoliating garbage might seem a bit extreme at first, but Leia's flawless skin speaks for itself. As an added bonus, high pressure life and death situations are a great way to meet that special someone.

8) The Rebellion effect

Even the worst looking person in the entire galaxy will be instantly transformed into a radiant goddess of beauty and light if you're one of only two women in your entire organisation (i.e. you work at a "Sausage Sizzle"). Who would your average scruffy looking nerf herder choose: The creepy old guy in the robe? The whiny farm kid? The giant angry space bear? No way. (Not unless it gets really cold.) Suddenly the overbearing, disturbingly short lady with the weird hair in the form fitting white outfit is looking pretty damn good, isn't she?

7) Get back to nature

Stripping your life back to the bear bare essentials is a surefire way to bring out a more natural, more beautiful you. The fresh air and sunlight you soak up during speeder bike chases will help replenish your mind and soul, and nothing beats the adrenalin rush of surviving high speed bike crashes. Also, let's be honest, being fawned over by feral mutant teddy bears can be a great ego boost.

6) Date a douchebag

Dating a space pirate douchebag isn't everyone's cup of tea, but it does have its advantages. His inability to say, "I love you", and commit to the relationship will keep you in a state of constant anxiety, making it difficult to overindulge on food, or happiness. As if that's not enough, regularly saving him from Stormtroopers or posing as a suicide bomber in order to rescue him from the clutches of enterprising space businessmen will keep you active and ensure there's never a dull moment in your terrible relationship.

5) Take some "you" time

In an Imperial detention block. In between stealing secret plans, plotting the deaths of millions of innocent people on the Death Star and fighting the strange attraction you feel towards your brother, it's almost impossible to find time to just focus on yourself. Thankfully, there's nothing quite like spending time in solitary confinement to help you catch up on some much needed beauty sleep. Not to mention the constant fear of being tortured and/or killed might really help you review your life choices and find inner peace, which is the best way to bring back that inner glow.

4) Have a goal outfit

If you're having trouble finding the motivation to get buff, why not set yourself a goal outfit for that holiday on that secluded desert planet you've been planning for years but never gotten around to? And remember the golden goal outfit rule: the more ridiculously skimpy, incredibly impractical and made of metal your outfit is, the greater your incentive to succeed.

3) Be pursued by a Galactic Empire

A high intensity cardio workout is a great way to blast away the winter flab, but an even better way to stay fit is to be relentlessly pursued by the armed forces of a galaxy-spanning evil Empire. If running away from Stormtroopers, escaping space battles and generally just constantly fearing for your life doesn't keep your heart rate up in the fat burning zone, nothing will!

2) Choose the right job

How many times have you seen somebody gets a cushy office job in front of a computer with a food court nearby and before you know it, they've packed on 30kgs? Not Princess Leia. Whether she's leading the Rebellion from the front lines of the command centre far away from the actual battle, or working as a Slave Girl in Jabba's Palace, Leia chooses physically and mentally demanding jobs that help keep her fit. Remember: murdering giant defenseless space slugs by choking them to death is great resistance training!

1) Have an Awesome Dad

Ultimately, the two most attractive things in the galaxy are brains and confidence. And they both begin at home, with the love and support of your friends and family. Leia's father, Darth Vader, was born a slave on a desert planet, but his daughter grew up to be a Princess, a Jedi Knight and eventual Chief of State of the New Republic. All after his wife, Padmé, died. It isn't always easy to be smart, self-assured and driven, but when you have an the best single dad ever to love and support and occasionally-blow-up-your-home-planet-to-teach-you-a-valuable-life-lesson you, anything is possible.

The Worst Couple in the Universe

We've been saying it for a long time: Han and Leia are the worst couple in the universe. He's a cocky douche bag who loves his giant space dog more than real people, she's an uptight Princess with daddy (and brother) issues. Not to mention the fact that they're both terrorists, wanted throughout the galaxy for aiding and abetting Luke Skywalker in the destruction of the first Death Star. Basically, they're both terrible, terrible people.

Thankfully, the good folks of OneMinuteGalactica have released the following excellent instructional video to prove it.

Via Topless Robot.

10 Reasons Why You Should Work for the Galactic Empire

With more and more planets coming under the benevolent rule of the great Emperor Palpatine by the day, there's never been a better time to join the Galactic Empire. Here are ten reasons why you should work for us:





10) Earn good money

Well, actually, you’ll earn minimum wage (if you’re lucky) and you'll like it. But on the upside, that’s loads better than having Stormtroopers visit your house in the middle of the night and burning your house down because you decided not to join the Galactic Empire.

9) Great health benefits

Working for the Galactic Empire will ensure you remain in peak physical fitness at all times. After all, what better high intensity fat blasting cardio workout is there than running around doing the bidding of two extremely demanding sociopathic evil sorcerers? Plus, you can forget about Bikram Yoga once you get deployed to a desert planet in full body combat armour.

8) Plenty of opportunities for promotion

There’s literally nothing worse than slaving away day after day, being constantly overlooked for the promotion you so richly deserve. In the Galactic Empire, our on-the-spot employee performance appraisals and liberal use of Force chokes as part of our progressive disciplinary policy ensures there are always vacancies in key management positions for young go-getters. Particularly if you have a flexible approach to certain moral grey areas (like “murder” and “oppression”) and a high pain threshold.

 

7) Travel to exotic worlds

And blow them up.

6) Learn about other cultures

In your travels, you'll encounter diverse cultures, experience fascinating new customs, and be forced to listen to innumerable conversations in alien languages you don'have the time or inclination to understand. You'll also have plenty of time to study their combat methods and tactics in the event that you need to frame them for the murder of unhelpful moisture farmers.

5) Meet interesting people

The galaxy is a vast and wondrous place, teeming with strange and intriguing aliens you couldn't possibly imagine in your wildest dreams. And you'll get to oppress and brutalise them all personally. Or, for those of you who are more interested in hobnobbing with high society, why not consider joining the 483rd Legion, where kidnapping Princesses is their specialty?

4) Face exciting challenges

Most jobs are the same boring stuff day after day. Same cubicle, same coffee place, same small talk, then you die. However, some rare jobs make you continually challenge and better yourself, enabling you to achieve things you'd never have thought possible. Like trying to kill magic space knights with superpowers and laser swords before they can kill you while wearing insanely large helmets that are almost impossible to see anything out of.

3) Stick it to the Alliance

The Rebels talk a big game about fighting for freedom and equality and peace but their track record tells a different story. Would people who love peace really have blown up the Death Star, killing over a million people? Would people who believe in equality really only employ two women, neither of whom are allowed to get involved in the fighting? Why didn't Chewbacca get a medal as well? Will they see Han Solo brought to justice for drug smuggling and the murder of single father and soup kitchen volunteer, Greedo? At least with us you know what you're getting.

2) Work for "hands on" bosses

Most people working for big business or government bodies go their entire careers without ever meeting the men and women at the top. Thankfully, Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader both believe in spending time with their employees, getting to know them personally before choking, electrifying, or occasionally even beheading them to death. You call it "murder", we call it "micromanaging".

1) Be more than just a number

Here in the Galactic Empire, we care about our employees and their hopes and dreams. Unlike some corporations, we view our workers as distinct individuals who are so much more than just faceless, anonymous clone drones. You'll never be just a number to us. Because we care.

10 Easy Ways You Can Celebrate Star Wars Day

May the 4th be with you! 

Yes, May the 4th is here. Star Wars day. The day that we celebrate one of the greatest stories ever told, a story that has captured the hearts and minds and money (soooo much money) of countless fans for over thirty years. Apart from the bits with Jar Jar Binks in.

But it also presents a problem for people who don't live in a galaxy far, far away who dream of one day warring amidst the stars: how do you satisfactorily celebrate the occasion? Fret not humans, Death Star PR has the answer. Here are 10 easy ways you celebrate Star Wars Day:

10. Kidnap a Princess and blow up her planet

This one should be a cinch but on the off chance you don't have easy access to a Princess and/or a planet destroying super weapon, try thinking outside the box: substitute "Princess" for "that snooty girl who lives down the street and always ignores you when you stare adoringly at her through the cafe window" and "planet" for "setting fire to her car".

9. Tell Luke You're His Father

This is a classic Star Wars joke that never, ever gets old. Every time you meet, speak to, or hear of someone called Luke today, tell them: "I am your father. Search your feelings, you know it to be true." If you happen to have some kind of laser sword (or katana blade, axe, etc in a pinch) and a reactor shaft handy, the rest of this scene just writes itself.

8. Use the Force

Don't pretend you haven't "used the Force" to open automatic doors. Everybody has. Well today's your chance to revel in it; really just do it continually all day long. Also strongly encouraged: trying to Force choke annoying family members/co-workers/customers.

7. Have an Epic Lightsaber Battle

We understand that Earth is too backwards to have actual lightsaber battles but for this one you'll just have to make do with toy replicas. If you think about it, what makes a lightsaber battle EPIC isn't just having a super cool laser sword that cuts through almost anything while going, "SchwmmMMM!", it's the 47 minute duel across a variety of exotic, increasingly dangerous locales. Start your toy lightsaber fight in the house, take it out to the street, through the traffic, fall on to the top of a passing truck, then roll off that in to a busy factory that, if you're lucky, will be full of molten lava.

6. Do Jedi Mind Tricks

As much as we hate to admit it, Jedi mind tricks do work, it's just most people don't have the patience required to make it happen. The trick to a Jedi mind trick is this: it's not enough to just say, "I'm not the Lloyd you're looking for". You need to say it one hundred times. Or at least, just as many times as it takes for the other person to give up and either agree with you or go away because THEN YOU WIN.

5. Find the Droids No One Was Looking For

We'll be honest, our Stormtroopers kind of dropped the ball on Tatooine but that doesn't mean you can't make up for their mistakes. How, you ask? Any time today you see anything mechanical that could even in the loosest possible sense be described as a robot, point to it and exclaim, "Look! That's the droid we were looking for!"

4. Get Cocky

Although not generally noted for his advice giving, Han did have one great tip for  Luke when he said, "Great, kid. Don't get cocky." The utter irony of this comment coming from the galaxy's cockiest cock makes it a must that you get cocky on Star Wars day. Do this by saying, "I know" any time someone tells you anything, e.g.
Co-worker: "I'm going to get lunch."
You: "I know."
Co-worker: "Probably sushi."
You: "I know."
Co-worker: "So... do you want to come, or what?"
You: "I know."
Co-worker: "I'm going now."
You: "I know."

3. Time to Imperial March

We'll let you in on a little secret. There is one, incredibly easy, surefire way to go from complete loser to total bad ass in under five seconds: throw John William's "Imperial March" on to your iPod, crank the volume to full, hit play and then stride down the corridor, street, etc. For even greater badassery, play it on a boom box and make a lackey scurry after you holding it. Cape optional.

2. Do the "Obi-Wan"

Remember that classically heroic moment when Obi-Wan cut off his best friend's legs and arm and then gave him a lecture about how he was supposed to have been a good guy while the poor kid was burning to death in a river of magma? Well, you can be just as heroic! Give your friend a series of horrible paper cuts, then throw boiling hot water in their face while you deliver a lecture about how they are a bad friend.

1. Shoot First

Actually, most guys already have this one covered, particularly once the Slave Leia costume comes out.

Bonus: Kiss Your Sister

OF COURSE this is a trap. Rebel sickos.

Brokeback Falcon

 

 

 

Sometimes when a Wookiee says they owe you a life debt, they really mean, “I wish I knew how to quit you, Han."

Winners: "Insult A Rebel" Competition

Before we announce the winners of this week's competition, we'd just like to take this opportunity to say that everyone who participated is a winner*, because making fun of Rebel losers is what winners do.

Most devastating insults and the winner of Nerdoh's 'Mos Eisley' t-shirt after the jump.

*But not a winner in the classically literal, some would argue more "actual" sense, because obviously this is a competition run by a ruthlessly evil Galactic Empire, which means we already gave out most of the prize t-shirts to our buddies so we only have one left to give away.