You Don't Know the POWER of Darth Vader's Ad Libbing Skills

We all know Darth Vader killed all of the Jedi, because they were evil and totally deserved it. What you may not know is that Darth Vader also kills it in the recording studio with his Force-powered ad libbing skills.

(Of course, it goes without saying that he kills it as a DJ too - built in cyborg auto-tune FTW!)

A Personal Message From George Lucas to Star Wars Fans Everywhere

George Lucas has been receiving a lot of negative press for the incredibly minor changes he's made to the Star Wars saga for the upcoming Blu-Ray release.

So much, in fact, that he's personally asked the PR Team to issue the following statement to all Star Wars fans on his behalf:



Dear Star Wars Fans,

It's come to my attention that a small number of you are unhappy with several of the amazing improvements I've made to Star Wars for the Blu-Ray release.

Your concerns are valid and special and incredibly unique, like an original cut of one of my movies on Blu-Ray. Rest assured that those concerns are important to me. This is because I only recently used a small amount of my tremendous personal wealth to build a machine that converts criticism of my movies and fanboy tears into thick, lustrous facial hair.

Let me say, though, that I firmly believe the changes I have made absolutely improve my films. I mean, I've even added dialogue to scenes where there wasn't any! Also, let's be honest, they are my films. I don't complain when you go to the shops and buy something that wasn't originally on your shopping list, do I? Because it's YOUR shopping list. And because I haven't personally been to the shops in 20 years. I have people for that.

Quite a few critics, such as the so-called "fans" at SaveStarWars.com have drawn attention to a speech I gave to Congress in 1988 in which I denounced the altering of films. In that speech, I said, "People who alter or destroy works of art and our cultural heritage for profit or as an exercise of power are barbarians." 

What have I ever personally done to these Fan Solo's besides create the greatest film series of all time? Nothing. I've given them my all and they've thrown it back in my face. They've hurt my feelings. And they most definitely shot first.

Of course, these naysayers fail to understand that my speech in 1988 did not live up to my true vision for my speech to congress. Speech FX technology in 1988 was simply incapable of providing me with more than 25-30% of the ideal version of my speech. Subsequent re-releases and Special Editions have enhanced the speech so that the line should actually read: 

"People who alter works of art for profit, or to put in some really cool and totally necessary special effects, like an extra three CGI Jawas here and there, are awesome. They are like powerful barbarians who exercise, like my personal friend Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie "Kindergarten Cop"." -George Lucas, Revenge of the Speech, 23rd Anniversary Special Edition.

It may interest you to know that my 1988 speech was not actually my first speech to Congress but the fourth. I can exclusively reveal to you now that the prequel speeches have entered pre-production and will begin shooting as soon as I find an incredibly annoying kid to deliver a young me's speech in Episode I.

Perhaps you're worried that there will be continuity errors between the original speech and the prequels. Fear not, friends. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. A wise man with a fantastic beard once wrote that (I'm talking about me. Sorry, I haven't been using enough badly acted expository dialogue).

Nobody loves Star Wars more than me. It is that love which drives me to constantly improve the original films. Because as the saying goes, if you love someone, you need to set them free. By changing them a lot.

I ask only that you give the Blu-Ray version a chance. By buying several copies of it. I am currently in the process of purchasing a small private island off the coast of Jamaica, which I intend to fill with memorabilia of my favourite character of all time, Jar Jar Binks. He's funny because he has big ears and speaks funny and steps in doodoo. Teehee! Doodoo! Once I have all of the money you will inevitably spend purchasing the Star Wars re-re-releases, "JarJarmaica" will become a reality.

In conclusion,

Yours special editionally,

George Lucas.

P.S. This letter is the original version of this letter. Rest assured that an extended special edition 3D version of this letter will be made available in 15 years.

The Ten Biggest Star Wars Blu-Ray Changes

We all knew there were going to be some adjustments, or "embetterments", to the Star Wars films with their Blu-Ray release on September 16th. In his infinite wisdom the great creator, George Lucas, has constantly refined his original releases over the years in an effort to create the definitive version of the Star Wars universe. In his quest for perfection, Mr. Lucas will not stop until every character has been replaced with CGI, every line re-dubbed and every special effect re-rendered in jaw-dropping 5D.


io9 has revealed that one of the biggest changes in the Blu-Ray version is that Darth Vader will now scream, "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!" when he throws the Emperor down the shaft in Return of the Jedi.

The fact is, that's only the beginning. The Death Star PR team can now exclusively reveal the ten biggest Star Wars Blu-Ray embetterments:

LOADS more crazy crap in every scene!

Because everyone knows that the absolute BEST way to improve a movie isn't about the script, acting or directing, it's how much CRAZY CGI stuff you can totally unnecessarily cram into the background of Every. Single. Scene. of your films.

Chewbetter

In an effort to improve the realism of the original trilogy, Chewbacca will now be replaced with ChewbaccARGH - an actual, genetically engineered, giant carnivorous killer bear with crossbow paws and a taste for human flesh. Unrelated: Han Solo has a cyborg leg now! How COOL is that, maybe?!

Ewoks blink now.

Ewoks have always been scary. They may look cute from a distance but up close they have the cold, soulless, dead eyes of a homicidal sociopath who just stabbed somebody to death because they didn't stir the sugar into their coffee clockwise three times before drinking it. But now they blink. Oh, you don't think that's pants-wettingly terrifying, Mr. Big Man? Then just imagine sitting in a kid's room filled with teddy bears when all of a sudden you realise they're all blinking at you.
            Wait for it.
                                         Wait for it.
                                                                               There you go.

R2-2D-M4X!

The true hero of both Star Wars trilogies, R2-D2, will receive some big time upgrades in the new old trilogy. The plucky astromech droid will now save the crew of the Millenium Falcon from certain death in Death Star Hangar Bay 327 by flying around shooting rockets at the Stormtroopers before transforming into a giant warrior robot with a flaming sword and a jive talkin' "edgy" African-American voice. (Image found here)

Catchphrases for EVERYONE!

In keeping with the addition of Vader's trademark "NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!" to the Emperor's death scene, all of the main characters will now have a catchphrase which they say incessantly. Luke will respond, "But I was going in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!" (Classic!) every time somebody asks him to do anything. Leia will now address everyone as a "Scruffy looking Nerf Herder" (ZING!), and Obi-Wan will constantly remind everyone that what he's saying is right, "From a certain point of view".

Anakin Begin Again

One of the bigger changes in Return of the Jedi's Special Edition was the change of Anakin Skywalker's Force ghost to Hayden Christensen. To really tie in the prequel and original trilogies, Hayden will also replace Sebastian Shaw in Darth Vader's unmasking scene. And, because YOU demanded it, Jake Lloyd will now play the role of Force ghost Anakin. He will smile cutely, wave and inexplicably shout, "Now THIS is pod racing!" before winking at the audience as we star wipe to black.

New, improved fight scenes

There's nothing quite as thrilling that audiences can totally emotionally invest in as watching completely computer generated characters fight, race, or make sweet blue alien love to, one another for extended periods of time. To that end, Darth Vader's lightsaber duels with Obi-Wan and Luke will now be entirely CGI and involve lots of crazy flips and shit because hey, it worked for Yoda, right?

Ultra-cool post-credits sequence!

You thought Return of the Jedi ended with Rebels smiling and Ewoks happily drumming on Stormtrooper helmets while they feast on Darth Vader's chargrilled corpse, didn't you? Oh, you. A new post-credits sequence shows the ghost of Emperor Palpatine laughing maniacally before flying up the reactor shaft towards the camera whilst shooting lightning from his hands. Did somebody say... TRIquels?!!

Newer, betterer actors

The original films were released a long, long time ago. So long ago that younger generations of viewers have absolutely no idea who, or what, a Carrie Fisher or a Mark Hamill is. In his infinite wisdom, the great creator has digitally altered the original trilogy so that the main characters are now played by the best, hippest, culturally relevant, totally actors of the modern era. Robert Pattinson as Luke Skywalker! Matthew McConaughey as Han Solo! Megan Fox as Princess Leia! And Will Smith as Lando Calrissian!

Han doesn't shoot at all

The famous Mos Eisley Cantina scene has been through quite a few revisions. In the original, Han Solo shot Greedo before the Rodian Bounty Hunter could shoot him, thus immediately and beautifully establishing Han as an anti-hero. In the Special Edition, Han shoots a fraction of a second after Greedo, thus immediately establishing Han as... a kind of anti-hero ... with great reflexes? In the Blu-Ray version, the scene reaches its inevitable conclusion: Han doesn't shoot at all. Rather, he delivers a devastatingly rakish smile and Greedo simply dies of a tragic, completely unconnected heart attack.