Love and Ewoks

Love is like an Ewok:

Cute from a distance but up close; smelly, difficult to understand and likely to beat you to death with sticks.

Star Wars Posters

Just a few of the amazing (mostly non-Star Wars) re-imagined film posters and concept art from Reelizer.

 Luke's Destiny, by Frank Stockton.

Six Against the Galaxy, by Joshua Budich.

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope, by Tom Whalen.

Star Wars: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, by Tom Whalen.

The Droids, by Simon C Page.

Star Wars: Episode 5 - The Empire Strikes Back, by Sublevel Studios.

A New Hope, by Olly Moss.

The Empire Strikes Back, by Olly Moss.

Return of the Jedi, by Olly Moss.

10 Things We Hate About Luke

Sure, Luke Skywalker is a terrorist and a Jedi but there are loads of other reasons to hate him. Here are ten of the best: 

1. He's an orphan.

Orphans are scary. Despite coming from broken homes and suffering from tragic pasts, these parentless kids always seem to discover that they're the one prophesied to realise some "noble" destiny involving destroying somebody's really carefully made plans by using magical powers they learned from some creepy old wizard guy who's secretly been "watching over" them their whole life.

2. He's always whinging about something.

Whether it's not being allowed to join the Rebel Alliance, or having to go to Tosche Station to pick up power converters, or having his  adoptive parents brutally killed and then flame grilled by Stormtroopers, the kid manages to find the negative in any situation.

3. He has amazing magical powers...

And he doesn't do anything cool with them. Sure, he makes C-3PO levitate to impress a bunch of mutant teddy bears and can do some pretty sweet jumps but why doesn't he crush them all with the power of his mind, or even just mentally untie the ropes that bind him? How come he can't do a simple Jedi mind trick on a giant space slug, or block Palpatine's Force lightning with his lightsaber like EVERY SINGLE PERSON did in the prequel trilogy?!

4. He has poor personal hygiene.

He goes swimming in trash compactors, sleeps in the hollowed out carcasses of tauntauns and, worst of all, spends much of his time living in swamps being ridden by a crazy old goblin. There is nobody in the galaxy who needs a bath more.

5. He got a medal for killing 1.3 million people.

For a "hero", Luke doesn't seem particularly racked with guilt as he walks up to receive his shiny gold medal for blowing up the Death Star 1, killing its 1.3+ million employees. Ummm.... did we miss something here? Everyone gets all judgey when we blow up a few evil planets but this guy gets a medal? Did he even try opening a dialogue or using an aggressive pamphlet-dropping campaign first?

6. The Force will be with him... always.

Apparently there is a BAD kind of killing people that makes you automatically turn to the Dark Side and a GOOD kind of killing a whole crapload of people that is OKAY by ghost Jedi and their midichlorian friends.

7. He wears black.

This is against all the rules of appropriate film costuming and is therefore confusing and wrong. EVERYONE knows good guys always wear white and bad guys always wear black. Here is an instructional pictograph we made to help illustrate the point:

8. He's not a good son.

When Darth Vader tells Luke he is his father, this should be a joyous moment for the younger Skywalker, who finally has a chance to get to know his old man. Unlike a lot of other deadbeat dads, Vader offers to spend quality time with his son doing fun father/son activities like ruling the Galaxy. Luke, of course, declines.

9. His feelings for his friends are strong. Especially for... sister.

Everyone in the Galaxy knows that Luke's feelings for his sister are a little more than brotherly. Want proof? They kissed. And Luke liked it. Want more? Name any other hero in the history of cinema who goes THREE MOVIES without a love interest. Luke is just waiting for Han to slip up and then BAM! He'll slip right in with the old "I'm your brother, I just want to support you" routine. Luke Skywalker? Try Luke Slywalker.

10. He doesn't know a good deal when he sees it.

Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine both offer Luke a chance to co-rule the ENTIRE FUCKING GALAXY. To be clear, this entails lots of money, three personal chefs and your own personal parking space on the Death Star for your executive TIE Fighter. Luke says no. Seriously, who does that???

9 Reasons Why It Would Suck to Be An Ewok

Everyone knows Ewoks are evil miniature hellbears who enjoy nothing more than using their cute appearance to lure unsuspecting people into their forest traps and bludgeoning them to death using rudimentary tools before feasting on their tenderised flesh.

But there probably are a few downsides to being a killer teddy bear. Here are nine reasons why it would suck to be an Ewok:


9. Height restrictions suck! Only allowed on the children's rides at Disneyland. Also not allowed to operate most heavy machinery.

8. People occasionally confuse you for a koala, when you clearly descend from the drop bear family.

7. Difficult to get the girls - ladies don't like dating guys who are shorter than them.

6. Even if you do get the girl, she will probably be an Ewok and, let's be honest, they're not great lookers.

5. C-3PO would be just about the shittiest god I could possibly imagine.

4. All that fur makes Summer a real bitch. Don't even get me started on waxing that bikini line.

3. The language barrier makes it difficult for humans to distinguish between Ewok for "You look nice today" and "Holy fucking shit, watch out for that AT-ST!"

2. Tendency to be cast as comedy sidekicks in action sequences, even if you secretly have the ability to absolutely and inexplicably decimate the technically and numerically superior invading force using a couple of logs and some stones.

1. People find it difficult to take you seriously when your name is Wicket and you don't wear pants.

Luke & Leia: The Truth

You are about to be exposed to the truth about sordid details in the private lives of some of the Rebel Alliance's most prominent figures. The documentary footage that you are about to see may sicken you. It may even shock you.

The Rebel Alliance doesn't want you to see this but we know what you want. You want the truth. You can handle the truth.

Thanks to the brave truthwarriors at Topless Robot for digging this up.

Lego

We were pointed to this amazing series of 102 Lego Star Wars photos (Click Me!) by @starwars on the Twitter.

Do yourself a favour and check them out. Love them. Bask in their awesomeness.

It's amazing how many of them accurately represent life in the Empire.

Don't Panic

Some people seem to think that here on the Death Star, we're only about the death.

Okay, yes, VERY OCCASIONALLY when we move into orbit around a planet we're there to blow it up.

But MOST of the time, we're just stopping by to talk, or pick up a few pizzas, or return that DVD of the third season of 'Friends' we borrowed eight years ago.

To help get the message of love and understanding out there, we give to you this inspirational poster...

Remember, the Death Star Cares.

Long Range

The Emperor has done so much for our Galaxy. He's given us stability, prosperity, order and employment. "But what about security?" we hear you ask. "How can you make sure our children are safe in bed at night from the Rebels?"

We've listened and now, the Emperor has delivered.

We give to you...

The Death Star: Long Range you can believe in.

art by becboland

Change: Into a Cyborg

It's almost election time in the Galaxy Far, Far Away. We're proud to bring you the first election poster for the original man in black, your Dark Lord and mine - Darth Vader.

Art by becboland

Change: Into a Sith Lord

It's almost election time here in the Galaxy Far, Far Away. We're pleased to bring you the first election poster for the most beloved political leader in the galaxy - Emperor Palpatine.

Art by becboland

Glass Half Full

Glass half empty: We killed everyone on Alderaan.

Glass half full: We saved them all from having to see Twilight Eclipse.

Perspective

We guess you could say we killed everyone on Alderaan.

We prefer to think that we sent two billion people to a better place.