Finally, you can BE a Jedi with Kinect Star Wars!

There have been many Star Wars games, but even when the lightsabers came out, few gave you the feeling of what it might actually be like to be a Jedi.

Until now. Finally, Kinect Star Wars promises to do exactly that. Here's how:

• The Jedi live by a strict moral code, which basically means there's a ton of things you can't do. In Kinect Star Wars, you're on rails, so there's heaps of things you can't do, even if you want to, even though your amazing Force powers should allow you to do them.
• The Jedi are excellent at taking orders. With the game on rails, you'll hardly have to think for yourself at all!
• Jedi have spectacular Force powers, but rarely use, except to push or pull the occasional thing. The game is eerily true to life.
• The Jedi are in peak physical fitness, as you'll be after spending 17 hours jumping on the spot trying to get your avatar to do one little jump, which you could have done in about 0.002 of a second if you had a controller instead.
• Jedi are good at getting shot in the face. As you can see in the trailer below, within thirty seconds of fighting your first few battle Droids, you will know exactly what it felt like to be a Jedi during Order 66.

Tags: GameTrailers.com, Kinect Star Wars - SDCC 11: Over the Shoulder Gameplay (Cam), PC Games, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360

Via Topless Robot.

Return of the Jedi A-Holes

It's common knowledge throughout the Galaxy that the Jedi are complete a-holes, which is why we heroically ruthlessly murdered them all in surprise attacks. Mostly from behind. From as far away as possible.

They steal children away from their parents and allow those children to participate in incredibly dangerous pod races for their own personal gain. They lie constantly about all kinds of stuff that other people MIGHT consider to be a LITTLE bit important, like the fact that those people MIGHT have a father that's still alive and/or a sister they're weirdly attracted to.

So yes, the Jedi are a-holes, but we have to give these two guys some credit for at least being honest about it. Here's "Jedi A-Holes Strike Back".

Clone Wars In Review: 1x02 "Rising Malevolence"

In our ongoing mission to bring truth and light (of the really bright green variety) to an otherwise dark galaxy, the Death Star's PR team continue our weekly review of episodes of Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Episode 1x02: "Rising Malevolence"

Moral: "Belief is not a matter of choice, but of conviction."

Actual Message: "It's okay to do disobey orders if you think your reasons are good enough."

 

The Seperatists have a new secret weapon. The Jedi Council send Master Platoon Plow Koon Button Eyes Predator Face to investigate.

Using all of his amazing Jedi precognitive and empathic powers, Master B.E.P.F. guides his ships straight into a Seperatist "trap", which here means "floating in space a very obvious way, making sure to have a red sun in the background so as to be particularly easy to spot".

Count Dooku and General Grievous fire the new superweapon, destroying the Republic's fleet and forcing the survivors to employ Standard Jedi Emergency Protocol #1: When in doubt, run away and hide out!

Very perceptively, and using all of their great knowledge of the Force, the Council think everyone is dead. Skywalker's skimpily dressed sassy Padawan Ahsoka Tano thinks there could be survivors, and she isn't afraid to sassily tell the Council. They wisely ignore her. In classic Anakin style, he then gives her a lecture about following orders, before promptly ignoring them himself and going to investigate.

While Anakin, Ahsoka and ubiquitous droid sidekick R2-D2 search the debris for survivors, Master Plutonium and three of his clone soldier friends encounter a group of droids who just want to talk/throw them into the vacuum of space. However, Master Protein & co. have a surprise in store for the poor droids and throw themselves into space first, presumably so they can put their lives in the maximum amount of jeopardy possible.


Apparently one handy Jedi ability is the power to survive the sudden decompression, lack of oxygen and extreme cold for extended period of time without a suit or any kind of breathing apparatus.

Improbably surviving the improbable space shoot out, Master Potpourri and friends are rescued by Anakin and Ahsoka just in time to put them in more danger when Grievous returns in his flagship and superweapon, the Malevolence. It fires on them but due to some fancy flying on Anakin's part, the Jedi narrowly escape, once again bravely fleeing another battle. 

Overall, a fun episode with some excellent action, with Skywalker's final escape from the ion cannon's blast being a particularly high point.


Score Sheet:
Jedi Deaths: 0 (but plenty of fun Clone Trooper deaths to make up for it)
Death Star Superlaser Nods: 4
Darth Vader Moments: 0.5
Disgustingly Feel Good Scenes: 2


Rating:

To Do #1

TO DO:

✔ Make all Jedi "one with the Force"

✔ Oppress entire Galaxy
✔ Capture wise-mouthed Princess
✔ Blow up Alderaan 

❒ Find droids
❒Groceries
❒Cover exhaust port

Gentle Ben

Hey, anyone remember how "Gentle" Ben Kenobi had a disturbing penchant for chopping off people's limbs?

Yeah, GREAT guy.

Star Wars School

Intrepid Imperial investigators have sent disturbing news from Earth, a backwater world on the very edges of known space: a Star Wars-themed school for children aged 6-12 known as "The Jedi Temple" has opened in Quilpué, Chile.

 

The Temple gives its younglings the opportunity to learn a combination of martial arts styles yoga and tae kwon do, along with core Jedi "values" like wisdom and nobility, and presumably, how to cut off your best friend's arm and legs before leaving him to burn alive in lava.

Of course, the Galactic Empire questions how much wisdom there is in opening a new Jedi Temple given that the previous one on Coruscant became infamous as a den of inequity and corruption, whose evil students were heroically killed by Darth Vader moments before they were unleashed on a candy-fueled killing spree.

A source embedded in the school said, "It's tragic, really. The children all want to be like Yoda, or Obi Wan, or even Luke Skywalker. They don't even realise that being a magic space knight who goes around cutting off people's arms and legs with a laser sword is a bad thing."

In further evidence that the school's Jedi Masters are twisting the minds of the innocent, another anonymous whistleblower reports that students are being taught that Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader are "evil" and that the Galactic Empire is a "merciless totalitarian regime run by space fascists," rather than the beloved government of the people, for the people, by the Emperor we all know it to be.

Safety concerns have also been raised by the school's decision to train padawans in the use of lightsabers. It is common knowledge that Yoda's lightsaber training methods were sadistic and dangerous in the extreme, involving shooting lasers at blindfolded children swinging lightsabers in a confined space. Imperial experts estimate that hundreds of padawans were likely killed or horribly maimed during decades of training under the senile Jedi Master.

The Galactic Empire will, of course, be sending the Death Star to investigate these claims immediately.

So... probably say goodbye to your stuff, Earthlings.

Thanks to Rubinville for the tip. Original article here.

Old Ben

 


OBI-WAN KENOBI is a creepy old hobo who lives in a cave, does "magic" and "watches over" young boys.


Can YOU really trust him?



This message brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Happy (Belated) Valentine's Day

Cool lightsabers are red

Lame ones are green

I gave you my heart for Valentine's Day

Kidding! It's Qui-Gon's spleen.

Become a Jedi in 10 Easy Steps

Forget midi-chlorians. Being a Jedi is so easy anyone can do it. In fact, some of you may already be a Jedi and don't even know it yet. Just follow these 10 simple steps:

1) Buy a bathrobe. Wear it everywhere.

2) Grow a beard.

(Note: Optional for most lady Jedi.)

3) Don't have sex ever again. Ever.

This should be easy once you're sporting the "bathrobe and beard" look, and even easier if you've already memorised the complete technical specifications of the Millenium Falcon or are the type of person who corrects people's grammar on Twitter.

4) Tell everyone what to do. All the time.
As a Jedi, you should give people advice on everything, whether they want it or not. The key here is to be sanctimonious at all times and keep in mind that you can never be wrong because everything is right "from a certain point of view".
(Note: Works best when paired with no. 5)

5) Be a hypocrite.

Like most religious orders, the Jedi have a strict moral code. It's important to remember that although everyone else should live by the rules, you personally should only follow them when it's convenient. Is cheating bad? YES. But not if you need to win at dice. Is using a Jedi mind trick to make someone do something against their will totally morally reprehensible? OF COURSE. Unless you REALLY need to get something for free off a struggling small businessalien on a backwards desert planet. Is killing people the path to the Dark Side? TOTALLY. Except if they're bad guys.

6) Cut off people's arms.

Just about any reason will do: whether someone accidentally bumped into your friend in a bar or kind of attempted to kill you a little bit after going to the Dark Side, any time is a good time to whip out a sword and just go NUTS on some limbs. Oh, and don't worry: it's not against the law because you're a Jedi. You ARE the law!

7) Live in a complete dump.

Although an out of the way cave in the desert or a hut in a swamp is best, just about any pig sty or student sharehouse will do. As a Jedi, you're above material possessions, or interior decoration, or showers.

8) Be an underachiever.

As someone in possession of amazing magical powers that enhance your physical and mental attributes to levels most people could only dream of, the best thing you can do is to spectacularly underuse them. Sure, you could Force Run at super speed to save your friend and mentor's life (like you did earlier in the movie), or Force Push the bad guy away from your friend while you're patiently waiting behind your force field but why bother? You deserve some you time.

9) Be a bad friend.

Jedi train their whole lives to avoid emotional attachments. Including friendship apparently. So although you'll give off a wise good guy vibe, you'll also have no problems lying to your friend about whether his father is still alive, avoid mentioning the fact that the hot chick he's rescuing is actually his long lost sister, or even cutting off your best mate's arms and legs and leaving him to burn alive in lava. You know, instead of saving him or sticking your lightsaber through his head and making his death mercifully swift and stuff.

10) Overstay your welcome.

You know how every time you have a party, there's always a few people who stick around long after everyone else is gone and just completely refuse to take any of the subtle hints you're dropping about wanting to go to bed? Well, the Jedi are like this but worse: even death can't stop them from coming back to "watch over" you... particularly during your most intimate moments.

Note: this list also works if you replace the word "Jedi" with the word "Hipster".

Healing

To the Rebel Alliance:

How about we STOP arguing over who blew up which planet or ruthlessly assassinated what religious order and START healing?

This message brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

The 12 Days of Sithmas

Concept by Darth Vader
Words by Darth Vader and Death Star PR

There is no greater Sithmas tradition than singing Sithmas carols. Well, apart from killing Jedi. And eating so much roast Ewok you might literally explode. But after that definitely comes carolling. And the most sung because we force everyone to sing it beloved Sithmas carol of them all is "The 12 Days of Sithmas".

Below are the lyrics for all twelve days. Learn it for next Sithmas. Or else.

The 12 Days of Sithmas

On the first day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me a fully operational Death Star.

On the second day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me two twins a-kissin'.

On the third day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me three clueless clones.

On the fourth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me four cyborg limbs.

 On the fifth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me five golden droids.

On the sixth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me six Star Destroyers.

On the seventh day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me seven troopers stormin'.

On the eighth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me eight Ewoks stewing.

On the ninth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me nine Admirals choking.

On the tenth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me ten TIE's a-fighting.

On the eleventh day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me eleven Jedi dying.

On the twelfth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me twelve sabers humming.

Touching Sithmas Tales 1

'Twas the night before Sithmas,

And all through the Galaxy,

Not a Jedi was stirring

'Cuz Darth Vader killed them all.

Child Safety

Remember that time Yoda trained the Younglings in the Jedi Temple?

Hey genius:


Lots of young children
+ confined spaces
+ lightsabers that can cut through anything like butter
+ flying lasers
= careless disregard for child safety.

See a Doctor

Does your child:

• Play with his "lightsaber" incessantly?
• Whine about having to do simple chores?
• Take instructions from the voices (particularly of old men) in his head?
• Seem disturbingly attracted to siblings?

The chances are extremely likely that s/he could be a Jedi.

Seek help before it's too late. Consult a medical professional immediately.

Brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Luke & Leia: The Truth

You are about to be exposed to the truth about sordid details in the private lives of some of the Rebel Alliance's most prominent figures. The documentary footage that you are about to see may sicken you. It may even shock you.

The Rebel Alliance doesn't want you to see this but we know what you want. You want the truth. You can handle the truth.

Thanks to the brave truthwarriors at Topless Robot for digging this up.