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Friday, November 18, 2011

10 Rules We Can Learn About Dating From Star Wars

Star Wars can teach us valuable life lessons on just about all facets of human existence. But what lessons can we learn about dating from the holy texts? Let's find out as the Death Star PR team tell you the 10 Rules We Can Learn About Dating from Star Wars.

10. Lavish her with gifts and attention

You have to give it to the Ewoks. They may be feral teddy bears with a taste for human flesh but they still do one thing right: gifts! Princesses come around once in a blue that's no moon, so if you get a shot at one, you take it. So share your local delicacies with her, braid her hair, and above all, be sure to make her the guest at a feast in honour of your shiny new God. Maybe don't offer her boyfriend and brother as the main course, though. Eh. Your call.

9. Use smooth pick-up lines
Fact: everybody likes a good pick-up line. Scientific fact: an ultra-smooth opener can take you rocketing past outright disdain and revulsion to torrid lovemaking session in a matter of seconds. Now, admittedly we can't all be as smooth as the Chosen One, Anakin Skywalker, but here are some of his classics to inspire you in your quest for love, annotated with Padme's thoughts for your benefit:

"I don't like sand [Where is he going with this?]. It's coarse [True] and rough [Also true] and irritating [Nailed it again!] and it gets everywhere [Wow, this guy's life observations are spot on, he really sees into the inner workings of the universe and possibly my very soul]. Not like here [What's that? I'm still thinking about your incredibly accurate sand observatio--]. Here everything is soft and smooth [Oh snap! I see what you did there! Kudos, sir]."

"The thought of not being with you - I can't breathe [Maybe it's asthma, or... ?]. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me [Blaming me for the way you feel right now makes me feel like you're truly ready for the trials and tribulations of a mature relationship]. My heart is beating [Phew! That's a relief]... hoping that kiss will not become a scar [Your use of highly overwrought mixed metaphors is incredibly confusing... confusingly SEXY, that is]. You are in my very soul, tormenting me [You've probably got a point about the whole soul tormenting thing, I AM pretty sexy in my insanely large headdresses, etc. Let's make out]."

"One day I will become the greatest Jedi EVER [Wow, for reals?! That sounds pretty great!]! I will even learn how to stop people from dying [Whoa. Seriously? Wow. Your outrageously grandiose yet simultaneously extremely petulant ramblings turn me on like nothing else]."

8. Choose a good Wingman

A wingman's job is simple: when you hit the nearest cantina in the hope of meeting strange and exotic people aliens things of the opposite sex, your Wingman's job is to make you look good, steer you clear of any danger and help you avoid being shot down in the process. Bottom line: you need someone who's got your back, not some douche in a mustache and a cape who's going to go behind it as soon as they can and take a swing at your Princess.

7. Probably don't keep your relationship a secret

The Star Wars prequel trilogy takes great pains to tell us one thing over and over again: computer generated imagery is WAY better and more exciting than humans. But one other thing the prequels show us is that keeping a relationship secret can tear you up inside, leading to jealousy, resentment, misunderstanding and the occasional regrettable Force choking.

6. Get a dog

If you're worried that you're just not roguishly handsome enough to get the girl under your own steam, fear not, you just need a love prop. A conversational MacGuffin, if you will. Something irresistibly cute that will disable the logical side of your target's brain, thereby preventing them from asking all the typical questions they'd normally ask upon seeing you, like, "Why is that guy staring at me like he's considering what it would be like to wear my skin to the mall?" Your Love Prop is guaranteed to tractor beam your unsuspecting victims unwitting prey future Mr./Mrs. right into your waiting arms. Note: you will need a dog. Or a kitten. Or, obviously, a Wookiee. You can get those over the internet these days, right?

5. Always do a thorough background test

You know what sucks? Finding out embarrassing details about your prospective partner's past, like they used to train toy poodles for dog shows, OR that they're your sister. And the really crappy part is, this almost always happens at the worst possible time, like AFTER you've hooked up with them. So learn from the Skywalker's mistakes: always do a thorough background test first.

Seriously, we cannot stress enough how important this one is. Do it. Do it now.

4. Treat 'em mean

"Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen." The Star Wars movies are VERY clear on this. Literally the best way you can find a partner in this mixed up, crazy galaxy of ours is to be a complete and utter jerk to the person you're madly in love with. Constantly call her names she hates, like "Princess", or "Little Champy". Act like you don't care if she kisses another guy who may or may not be her brother. Whatevs, brosefina! And when she FINALLY admits her feelings and tells you she loves you, MERCILESSLY CRUSH THE LAST REMNANTS OF HER SOUL AND SELF-CONFIDENCE WITH A TOTALLY DOUCHEY, "I know".

3. Pay attention to the warning signs

This one goes out to all the ladies. We know you love a bad boy and far be it from us to argue (did we mention that we blow up planets for a living?) but there usually comes a point in a relationship when the cons start outweighing the pros. Although it can be tough picking the warning signs, usually his eyes starting to glow yellow and/or an increase in the frequency of loving Force chokes are good indications that your relationship is about to take a turn for the worse. Get out. Now.

2. If you love someone, set them free

And by this, we mean very literally, under no circumstances should you slap a gold bikini on a girl and keep her chained to you at the neck. Even if she seems really nice and her hair smells pretty. Because whilst this will keep her around in the short term, she will only grow to resent you as you turn into a fat, immobile slug in front of the TV/Rancor Pit, and one day her friends will drop by and blow up your palace whilst she chokes you to death with her own Slave Girl chain™. Which, let's face it, isn't a GREAT Saturday.

1. Once you've got a girl, never, ever let her go

Because the Star Wars documentaries make one thing exceedingly clear, guys - there are literally five women in the entire universe. Two of them are Princesses who are WAY out of your league, one of them is your sister anyway, and the other three are probably some sort of weird alien singer named Sy Snoodles who looks disturbingly like Lindsay Lohan. Bottom line, dudes: for Force sake, hang on to her.


  1. Replies
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