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Saturday, September 25, 2010
Everyone knows Ewoks are evil miniature hellbears who enjoy nothing more than using their cute appearance to lure unsuspecting people into their forest traps and bludgeoning them to death using rudimentary tools before feasting on their tenderised flesh.
But there probably are a few downsides to being a killer teddy bear. Here are nine reasons why it would suck to be an Ewok:
9. Height restrictions suck! Only allowed on the children's rides at Disneyland. Also not allowed to operate most heavy machinery.
8. People occasionally confuse you for a koala, when you clearly descend from the drop bear family.
7. Difficult to get the girls - ladies don't like dating guys who are shorter than them.
6. Even if you do get the girl, she will probably be an Ewok and, let's be honest, they're not great lookers.
5. C-3PO would be just about the shittiest god I could possibly imagine.
4. All that fur makes Summer a real bitch. Don't even get me started on waxing that bikini line.
3. The language barrier makes it difficult for humans to distinguish between Ewok for "You look nice today" and "Holy fucking shit, watch out for that AT-ST!"
2. Tendency to be cast as comedy sidekicks in action sequences, even if you secretly have the ability to absolutely and inexplicably decimate the technically and numerically superior invading force using a couple of logs and some stones.
1. People find it difficult to take you seriously when your name is Wicket and you don't wear pants.