Wookieeleaks Scandal

The Empire has been rocked today by what has quickly been dubbed 'Wookieegate' and the 'Wookieeleaks Scandal': the release of over 92,000 top secret Rebel Alliance documents to news agencies throughout the Galaxy.

The documents cover everything from dissident troop movements to highly classified military strategies and even include the personal files of some of the Rebellion's most visible figures.

Although the source of these leaks, referred to variously as 'Whooppiee' and 'Kashynynnn', has chosen to remain anonymous for safety reasons, it is believed they are a Wookiee of high standing within the Rebel Alliance.

Amongst countless other pieces of information, the leaked documents reveal:

• Acknowledgment by the Rebel High Command that a parsec is a unit of distance, not time and that Han Solo and Chewbacca never completed the Kessel Run. They were regularly too busy getting high on glitterstim.
• Medical logs also paint a grim picture of Solo's decline from promising smuggler to drug addict, space prostitute and eventual multiple STD sufferer.
• Leia "Princess" Organa suffers from extreme germophobia and has an intense hatred of the poor, and homeless people in particular. 
• Obi Wan "Ben" Kenobi lived in a cave for over twenty years in order to "watch over" a young boy, waiting for the opportunity to take him from his family in order to "train" him to "use" a "lightsaber". 

Luke "Pretty Boy" Skywalker's personal diary was also amongst the sensitive documents leaked . Multiple entries seem to question Rebel Command decisions, as well as, seemingly, his own sexuality. Excerpts follow:

Dear Diary, Hoth is so freakin' cold. I'm freezing my tits off. Who the force decided to build a rebel base on an ice planet? Love, Luke S. x

Dear Diary, spent last night with Han inside a tauntaun. He said it was to keep me warm but there was definitely inappropriate touching. Love, Luke S. x

Perhaps most damning of all, the documents detail the terrorist's plan to blow up the lynchpin in the government's Galactic Defense Strategy - the Death Star. The success of this plan would result in the murder of some 1.3 million civil servants, destroying families, weakening the collective security of all of the Galaxy's citizens and costing taxpayers trillions of credits.

'Wookieleaks' is being widely hailed as an emphatic win for the Galactic Empire's peaceful, prosperous and legitimate rule and a gigantic blow to the credibility of the insurgent Rebel Alliance and its claims that the Empire is a merciless, totalitarian regime.

Me vs Dan Brown

WARNING: Not Star Wars related! And long! I wrote this a while ago on my old blog and thought I would share it with the world again.

I enjoyed Dan Brown's first few novels but couldn't help but notice a few annoying quirks over time, e.g. extraordinary overabundance of unnecessary details; lame dialogue; recycled characters / events / situations; horrible metaphors and similes; incorrect word usage; obvious "twists" and, really, really bad character descriptions.

I wrote this before diving in to The Lost Symbol, to "celebrate" its release. Without further ado - I give you my imagined version of Dan Brown's next novel, "The Lost Artifact of Ambiguousness".

*      *      *      *      *

Archaeologist Peter Oldman listened in horror as the horrible beeping sound clawed at his ears like a rake claws at a pile of dry autumn leaves. He knew with the certainty that Howard Carter must have felt when he descended the steps of tomb KV62 in Egypt's Valley of the Kings that he was going to die. I am, thought Peter Oldman intrinsically, going to die.

In front of him, strapped to several bricks of C4 explosive, plastic binder, plasticizer and taggant chemicals 2,3-dimethyl-2,3-dinitrobutane was a mobile phone. He knew with an absolute yet completely unnecessary to the plot or current action certainty that the phone was a Nokia N95 with a 332 MHz processor and 64MB of SDRAM.

The ringing stopped as suddenly as a stop sign appearing out of the fog on a foggy day and a voice crackled through the speaker.

'Hello, Mr. Oldman,' the voice sublimated. Oldman had never heard the voice before yet somehow knew he had heard it every day before now.

Peter gasped, 'What do you want with me? I've told you everything I know about the Artifact.'

The stranger, who called himself Zekal'Mor rather than his real name, even in his own inner monologue, because it would keep the audience guessing about his identity for another three chapters, laughed strategically.

'Isn't it obvious?' Zekal'Mor asked in an unintentionally rhetorical way. He paused while he thought of some incredibly cliched dialogue, then added, 'I want you to die.'

Before Peter Oldman could deposit another thought, the hot heat of the explosion's explosive inner sanctum disintegrated him completely, leaving behind nothing but ash.

Symbologist Robert Langdon frowned at the ancient manuscript in front of him. Showing a careless disregard for the irreplaceable and incredibly fragile document that no one would expect from a highly celebrated University Professor, he held the parchment up to the light.

He gasped. 'This is the Symbol for the AAA - the Alliance of the Artifact of Ambiguousness.'

Although this was a good time to explain what his comment meant, it was an even better time to awkwardly describe Robert Langdon's physical appearance because it is important to give a detailed description of any male characters as soon as they appear in your story.

Langdon was not traditionally good looking though he did look oddly like Dan Brown and by a strange coincidence almost every woman he met in the course of his stories found him attractive. He wore a charcoal turtleneck sweater under a tweed jacket, which was completely coincidentally the author's favourite ensemble. Strapped around his wrist was a Mickey Mouse watch to tell rather than show the reader that the protagonist had some endearingly strange yet harmlessly inoffensive character quirks.

'What is it?' Spanish astrobiologist Elizabeth Enriques enthused quizzically.

She had dark hair and her gunmetal grey eyes sparkled with a deep intelligence that was never really utilised or evidenced in the context of the story except to solve one or two minor puzzles that access to a google search engine could have solved in 20 seconds because her role in the narrative was actually just to listen to Robert Langdon's verbal diarrhea about symbols and junk.

Rest assured that Elizabeth was extremely hot and was an expert in bikram yoga, which was not at all relevant to the plot of the novel but would lead to at least one uncomfortably sleazy exchange of dialogue between Elizabeth and Robert at the end of the novel in which it would be "implied" that she could finally use those skills for something worthwhile - in the bedroom.

Behind them stood acclaimed philanthropist Anders Grange, a powerfully built 45 year old man with silver hair, who stalked the room like a timberwolf, back straight and proud and on two legs but totally like a wolf at the same time. Grange had been Langdon's best friend since their childhood, despite not having been mentioned or referenced at all in any of the previous three Robert Langdon books.

When Anders spoke, his voice was far away yet disturbingly close. 'I have heard of the AAA. They are very old and powerful,' he reminded. 'The legends say they possessed an ambiguous artifact that granted them power over life and death itself.'

His voice was suddenly as wistful as a blade of grass waving in the sunlight and implied very subtly that he would ultimately turn out to be the sole bad guy responsible for the global conspiracy.....

Darth Didn't Do It

Earth "news" outlets have flooded the Death Star switchboard today with questions, comments and accusations about a recent bank robbery in Setauket, Long Island. Photos taken during the robbery show the bank being held up by a man dressed as Darth Vader.

The Galactic Empire categorically and emphatically denies Lord Vader's involvement in the alleged robbery and quite frankly, we find these allegations offensive. Several reliable witnesses can confirm that at the time of the robbery, Darth Vader was busy brutally murdering a Jedi cell in a galaxy far, far away.

It is clear from the alleged bank robber's attire alone that he is not the real Darth Vader. Everyone knows that Lord Vader dresses exclusively in slimming black, whilst the robber's cloak is blue. Not to mention the camouflage pants, which are an absolute fashion faux pas, as they do not compliment Vader's stylish chest respirator in any way.

Keen observers may also notice a distinct lack of Darth Vader's trademark lightsaber-related dismemberment or death in the footage. Darth Vader has not, and would never, use a pistol. His cyborg fingers are far too fat to fit inside the trigger guard.

Finally, we would like to take this opportunity to point out to the intellectually challenged citizens of Earth that accusing a magically-powered cyborg killing machine who lives in a moon-sized laser capable of destroying your planet may be extremely injurious to your health.



Photos and story found here.

Failed Pick Up Lines 1

If blowing your planet up is wrong baby, then I don't want to be right.

Darth's Dark Side Mix-Tape

Recently we asked the Twitterverse for submissions of classic Dark Side Songs for a mix-tape that Darth Vader was making for a special lady friend.


With many thanks to all of those who gave their suggestions, here's the final EPIC playlist:


1. The Killers - "Mr. Darkside"
2. U2 - "Where the Sith Have No Names" (via Ferreira)
3. Van Halen - "Ain't Tarkin 'Bout Love" (via kennhoekstra) 
4. James Brown - "Palpatine's Got A Brand New Bag"
5. Don Maclean - "The Day That Alderaan Died" (via LeftFighter)
6. Bob Marley - "No Padme No Cry"
7. Luke "The Temptation" Skywalker - "Papa was a Ruling Sith" (via LordPalpatine)
8. Bill Withers - "Ain't No Sunshine (When Padme's Gone)"
9. Pink Floyd - "Darth Side of the Moon" (via JRBSays)
10. The Beach Boys - "Bad Vibrations"
11. U2 - "With or Without Dooku" (via Fryphile) 
12. AC/DC - "Back in Black Leather" (via LeftFighter)
13. The Rolling Stones - "You Can Always Get What You Want (When You're Evil)"
14. The Carpenters - "Rainy Days And Mondays (Always Cheer Me Up)" (via cuddlybantha)
15. Nirvana - "Feels Like Rebel Spirit" (via CameronNeil)
16. LL Cool J - "Vader Said Choke You Out"  (via LeftFighter)
17. Eric Idle - "Always Look on the Dark Side of Life"

If this doesn't get Darth some lady love, nothing will.

Twilight is Bad For Your Health

 

FACT:

Every time someone says "I love Twilight," the chances of Death Star-related destruction of Earth increase by 0.2%.

You've been warned.

We kid about Twilight but seriously it was great. Apart from the wooden characters, lack of coherent plot and horrible dialogue it was great.

Note: The fact that more than 830 Earthians re-tweeted the above warning suggests that there is some small hope for your planet.

Death Star Poetry 1

Explosions are red,
Your planet was blue,
We're still alive,
It's a shame about you.


Brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Who's Da(rth) Boss?

 
Okay, yes, our boss is a massive douchebag and probable Sith Lord but, let's be honest, whose boss ISN'T?


We've all thought it every now and then - "My boss is an evil dick!" Yes, yes s/he is. But just HOW evil is s/he? Here are the Top 10 ways you can tell your boss may be a Sith Lord:



10. He runs a merciless, galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime, e.g. McDonalds, Nazi Germany.
9. His words say, "Hello" but his eyes say, "Who are you and how can I make money from killing you?"
8. She keeps scheduling staff meetings on Friday afternoons.
7. He balls you out for checking personal emails at work... but is constantly updating his Twitter and Facebook.
6. He always just appears the second anyone mentions his name.
5. She says things like "bandwidth", "value adding" &"incentivized synergization", expecting you to know what they mean.
4. She wrote a book about vampires without fangs who sparkle in sunlight... and inexplicably made millions of dollars from it.
3. Everyone at your workplace has really cool matching uniforms, special salutes and professes a fear of "other" people... you know, "them". 
2. He keeps eating your food from the fridge... despite the very passive-aggressive notes you leave on it. 
1. Force choke-related injuries are up 147% on last quarter.

Don't Panic

Some people seem to think that here on the Death Star, we're only about the death.

Okay, yes, VERY OCCASIONALLY when we move into orbit around a planet we're there to blow it up.

But MOST of the time, we're just stopping by to talk, or pick up a few pizzas, or return that DVD of the third season of 'Friends' we borrowed eight years ago.

To help get the message of love and understanding out there, we give to you this inspirational poster...

Remember, the Death Star Cares.

Long Range

The Emperor has done so much for our Galaxy. He's given us stability, prosperity, order and employment. "But what about security?" we hear you ask. "How can you make sure our children are safe in bed at night from the Rebels?"

We've listened and now, the Emperor has delivered.

We give to you...

The Death Star: Long Range you can believe in.

art by becboland

Change: Into a Cyborg

It's almost election time in the Galaxy Far, Far Away. We're proud to bring you the first election poster for the original man in black, your Dark Lord and mine - Darth Vader.

Art by becboland

Change: Into a Sith Lord

It's almost election time here in the Galaxy Far, Far Away. We're pleased to bring you the first election poster for the most beloved political leader in the galaxy - Emperor Palpatine.

Art by becboland

Mascot

Meet the new PR office mascot: Darth Growl.

She finds your lack of treats... disturbing.

(Ummm... Don't tell Darth Vader)

Glass Half Full

Glass half empty: We killed everyone on Alderaan.

Glass half full: We saved them all from having to see Twilight Eclipse.

Perspective

We guess you could say we killed everyone on Alderaan.

We prefer to think that we sent two billion people to a better place.

Appreciation

 
The 2nd of July is Alderaan Appreciation Day.

Because sometimes you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.

No need to thank us.