This Floppy Drive Knows the POWER of the Dark Side

The Imperial March, played on two Floppy Drives.
In a word: Impressive. MOST impressive.

Thanks to the many Sithizens who directed us to it.

An Open Letter to The Pentagon Re: The Death Star

Dear The Pentagon,

In the September-October issue of your in-house acquisition magazine, Defense AT&L, in an article entitled "Don't Come to the Dark Side: Acquisition Lessons From A Galaxy Far, Far Away", Air Force Lt. Col. Dan Ward took the time to explain why building Death Stars is a "bad idea".

You know what else is a bad idea, Lt. Dan? Having the same name as that guy with no legs from Forrest Gump. And getting the people who own the largest laser in the universe angry at you. Prepare to witness the firepower of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL letter of rebuttal.

In your introductory paragraph you said that, "any enormous project that is brain-meltingly complex, ravenously consumes resources, and aims to deliver an Undefeatable Ultimate Weapon is [...] not a good thing." Isn't it, The Pentathlon? Isn't it? What's so complex about a 160km-across superlaser powered by a gigantic hypermatter reactor and equipped with 123 hyperdrive field generators tied into a navigational field matrix? Maybe we should have just built a giant outerspace slingshot instead. Would that have been simple enough for you, the Pentathlon? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a forked stick and rubber band that big? No, of course you don't. What a ridiculous suggestion.

And yes, you're right, the Death Star does ravenously consume resources. But only the resources of incredibly evil planets where they weren't really doing anything good with them anyway. It's an absolute TRAVESTY how many planets are out there just floating in space, totally utopian and idyllic and untouched by the hand of progress/strip mining and deforestation. You know what? Not on our watch. We say progress for EVERYBODY! Because we care. Not like you. How many countries have YOU "helped"/ruthlessly invaded in order to steal their natural resources for yourselves. Hardly ANY. Amateur.

Next you brought up the Death Star's "operational shortcomings" and, surprise, surprise, the whole "critical vulnerability" in our unprotected exhaust port. Well excuuuuse us, Mr. Perfectagon. Does it offend your precious sensibilities that we have one teensy little flaw? Maybe if you bothered to look a little closer, you'd see that we've got a lot of great things going on too, like our cantina's famous Penne Arrabiata. Didn't Mrs. Perfectagon ever teach you not to judge a monolithic death laser by its ominous gunmetal grey cover? It sure sounds to us like SOMEBODY had a pretty tough time as a baby Pentagon. You probably didn't even get to do fun stuff like play video games or eat chocolate because you're a building and don't have hands, or taste buds.

Anyway, like YOU'RE so amazing. We took a look at some of YOUR operational shortcomings, Mr. Perfectagon. We even made it into a LIST to make it really simple for you. You:

1. Are made of bricks. Nice impenetrable defensive system!
2. Don't have any shield generators on nearby forest moons.
3. Can't reach lightspeed.
4. Can't even FLY AT ALL. LAME.
5. House no planet destroying superlasers, or even a single turbolaser battery.
6. Can't disguise yourself as a small moon.

Checkmate, the Pentagram. Death Star 1 Pentameter 0. Except you didn't even know you were playing the game, which makes it DOUBLE SPACE CHECKMATE. Death Star 4 Pentacle -7.

You go on to mention that the Death Star only fired its main weapon once as if that's some kind of a bad thing. Do you know what that means, The Octagon? It means the Death Star has hit absolutely everything it's fired at. That's a 100% accuracy rate, my feckless five-sided friend. That's better than any weapon YOU'VE ever invented, planet destroying or otherwise. In fact, that probably makes it the greatest weapon ever created in the history of everything. Ever. Not to mention the fact that a VAST majority of other evil supergenius' doomsday weapons never even get to fire at all, which makes us WAY ahead of the curve.

Then there's the whole suggesting that Darth Vader is a "bad" project manager because he's "evil" and a "murderous tyrant who demanded obedience". Wow, The Pentathlete. Really? Darth Vader isn't "evil", he's a Sith Lord. It's part of his RELIGIOUS BELIEFS to Force choke the occasional a-hole. Haven't you ever heard of freedom of religion? Probably not because you're a BUILDING. Also, you can't be a "murderer" if the murderees really deserved it. It's called Self-Defence From Extreme Stupidity and Incompetence. It's a complex legal thing that you probably wouldn't understand.

Finally, the Pentagon, we take issue with your suggestion that Astromech droids like R2-D2 are a "better" investment than the Death Star because building a moon-sized death laser is "unaffordable" and "impractical". Really? If Death Stars are SO unaffordable, then how come we built TWO? And the second one was EVEN BIGGER AND COOLER AND TOTALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE BECAUSE IT HAS A SHIELD NOW. BOOM! We just Alderaaned your mind, didn't we, the Pentahlon?

Did you even see R2-D2 in that swamp on Dagobah? He was as useless as pants on a Wookiee. And Artoo might have somehow lucked his way through many Star Wars, but did you ever stop to notice how many other Astromech droids get totally blown to pieces in every second scene? BANTHALOADS.

Are you trying to tell us that, given the choice, you'd REALLY rather have a few R2-D2's than your very own Death Star hovering up in the night sky, ready to shine the Green Light of Justice and Freedom/Planetary Destruction down on your enemies?

We didn't think so, the Pentagon, we didn't think so.

Yours Sithcerely,

The Galactic Empire.



Source: Wired.com.

The Death Star PR Webseries Needs YOU!

Loyal Sithizens, the Death Star PR team needs your help.

We have just FIVE days left in our "Death Star PR" webseries fundraising campaign. It's highly unlikely that we'll reach our target, but every donation, whether it be $2 or $200, will make a huge difference to the quality of the product you'll see on the web in November.

There are perks for each level of contribution, including personalised thank you letters, signed copies of the script, production stills and copies of the entire season on DVD, to name but a few.

So please, if you're a fan of the DSPR team, or Star Wars, or even just a fan of not having your planet destroyed by a vengeful laser death moon, contribute today. And make sure and tell all of your friends to do the same.

Get on the good side of the Dark Side by contributing here.

It's Not Just Palpatine Who Got the Shaft

As the galaxy's most famous war hero, it's no surprise that everyone thinks they know Darth Vader. But you don't. He's not your super fun cyborg boss and bestest friend EVER, like he is ours. (Boss, if you're reading this, we had a hilariously great time playing "Hide and Seek" around the office yesterday, particularly the bit where we cowered in fear under our desks until you went away. Good times!)

But the truth is Galaxy, you don't know the real Darth Vader. For instance, did you know that:

1. He writes a LOT of love poetry about Padmé. And cries when he reads it. Which is often.
2. He's terrible with new technology. Every time he gets an armour upgrade it takes him months to learn which button on his chestplate switches the VCR on.
3. The only thing the boss loves more than horrible love poetry is screaming, "NNNNNOOOOOO!!!" and throwing things down reactor shafts. But not just Emperors. All sorts of things:

Via Topless Robot.

We'd Never Use the Force For Good...

Here in the Galactic Empire, we'd never use the Force for good, but that doesn't mean you can't.

Lucasfilm and Stand Up To Cancer have joined Forces to "blast Cancer" once and for all in their "Use the Force For Good" campaign.

To help raise awareness for the campaign, SU2C's huge roster of celebrity ambassadors, including Samuel L. Jackson, comedians Zach Galifianakis, Ed Helms, Seth Rogen, Ken Jeong, Andy Samberg and the delightful Emma Stone, have made a Star Wars tribute video:

Now, we don't know about being good (actually, we do - you feel all nice and mushy and non-hatey inside, it's disgusting), but we DO love and strongly encourage the blasting of things.

So to help "blast Cancer", make a donation to SU2C and/or purchase a SU2C/Star Wars t-shirt.

Of course, if you'd like to learn more about the Dark Side, you're welcome to read "10 Reasons Why the Dark Side is Just Plain Better"?

Now You Can Finally Get Those Power Converters From Tosche Station

Earth astronomers have made what could be the most important scientific breakthrough in the history of everything on your planet: they've proven that Star Wars is real.

NASA's Kepler space telescope has detected a planet, Kepler-16b, that orbits two suns. And the best news? It's a mere 200 light years from Earth! That's almost close enough to watch a venerable Jedi Master recklessly and unnecessarily endanger a small child's life in next month's Boonta Eve Classic pod race if you leave now! And have a spaceship with a functioning hyperdrive.

Video via Mashable.

Now you too can suffer from heat exhaustion as you wander the overly sunny streets of Mos Eisley looking for droids in full body armour, take a ride on Jabba's Sail Barge (no, not THAT kind of ride, you filthy degenerate. Okay, wait, apparently THAT kind of ride is available too, carry on), or just spend a weekend unwinding by killing a few tribes of Sand People.

Of course, the main reason why this discovery is so exciting is because it proves scientifically beyond any shadow of a doubt that ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING IN STAR WARS IS 100% FACTUAL.

Lightsabers, cocky space pirates, kleptomaniacal swamp-dwelling grammatically incorrect goblins, dashingly handsome cape-wearing Sith Lords and, of course, the Death Star.

"But just because one thing turned out to be real doesn't mean it's all real!" we hear you protest. Of COURSE it is. That's how SCIENCE works, fictional protestor. Don't you know anything? Maybe you should look it up some time in a book on SCIENCE.

Still not convinced? Then put a plastic drop cloth whatever you're sitting on and prepare to have your mind blown, because NASA also found the Death Star.

The "Death Star" galaxy is firing jets of lethal radiation and X-rays at its neighbouring galaxy from the massive black hole at its centre. Assumedly because the apparently "peaceful" neighbouring galaxy is harbouring known terrorists and really, really deserves to be bombarded with cosmic rays of death.

So it's all 100% real. ALL of it. Which means we'll see you next Tuesday. You're good for planetary destruction at around 4pm, right?

COMPETITION: Boba Fett Facts

In an effort to get on the good side of the Dark Side, the folks at Crave, the social marketplace for fans of anything collectible, have given the PR Team an awesome Star Wars Original Trilogy Collection Boba Fett 12" Action Figure to give away to one of our lucky fans.

But because we're evil, we're going to make you work for it.

Tell us your best "Boba Fett Fact" in the style of "Chuck Norris Facts", e.g.

• Boba Fett's jetpack doesn't run on fuel. It is fueled entirely by Boba Fett's own awesomeness.
• Boba Fett didn't escape from the Sarlaac. The Sarlaac escaped from him.

Only entries left in the comments of this post will be considered. Limit of THREE "facts" per person. Entries will be judged by DSPR and Crave.

Originality is key - if you just replace Chuck's name with Boba Fett's on some recycled facts, you won't win. And you'll also probably also receive a jetpack-powered roundhouse kick for your troubles.


Entries close Wednesday 21st September 2011, 7am AEST.

In the meantime, make sure you check out Crave's Star Wars catalogue for some inspiration.

Live, Love, Laugh

 

Live like you have clone bodies waiting.

Love like you've never been burned in lava.

Laugh like you've just taken over the galaxy.

A Personal Message From George Lucas to Star Wars Fans Everywhere

George Lucas has been receiving a lot of negative press for the incredibly minor changes he's made to the Star Wars saga for the upcoming Blu-Ray release.

So much, in fact, that he's personally asked the PR Team to issue the following statement to all Star Wars fans on his behalf:



Dear Star Wars Fans,

It's come to my attention that a small number of you are unhappy with several of the amazing improvements I've made to Star Wars for the Blu-Ray release.

Your concerns are valid and special and incredibly unique, like an original cut of one of my movies on Blu-Ray. Rest assured that those concerns are important to me. This is because I only recently used a small amount of my tremendous personal wealth to build a machine that converts criticism of my movies and fanboy tears into thick, lustrous facial hair.

Let me say, though, that I firmly believe the changes I have made absolutely improve my films. I mean, I've even added dialogue to scenes where there wasn't any! Also, let's be honest, they are my films. I don't complain when you go to the shops and buy something that wasn't originally on your shopping list, do I? Because it's YOUR shopping list. And because I haven't personally been to the shops in 20 years. I have people for that.

Quite a few critics, such as the so-called "fans" at SaveStarWars.com have drawn attention to a speech I gave to Congress in 1988 in which I denounced the altering of films. In that speech, I said, "People who alter or destroy works of art and our cultural heritage for profit or as an exercise of power are barbarians." 

What have I ever personally done to these Fan Solo's besides create the greatest film series of all time? Nothing. I've given them my all and they've thrown it back in my face. They've hurt my feelings. And they most definitely shot first.

Of course, these naysayers fail to understand that my speech in 1988 did not live up to my true vision for my speech to congress. Speech FX technology in 1988 was simply incapable of providing me with more than 25-30% of the ideal version of my speech. Subsequent re-releases and Special Editions have enhanced the speech so that the line should actually read: 

"People who alter works of art for profit, or to put in some really cool and totally necessary special effects, like an extra three CGI Jawas here and there, are awesome. They are like powerful barbarians who exercise, like my personal friend Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie "Kindergarten Cop"." -George Lucas, Revenge of the Speech, 23rd Anniversary Special Edition.

It may interest you to know that my 1988 speech was not actually my first speech to Congress but the fourth. I can exclusively reveal to you now that the prequel speeches have entered pre-production and will begin shooting as soon as I find an incredibly annoying kid to deliver a young me's speech in Episode I.

Perhaps you're worried that there will be continuity errors between the original speech and the prequels. Fear not, friends. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. A wise man with a fantastic beard once wrote that (I'm talking about me. Sorry, I haven't been using enough badly acted expository dialogue).

Nobody loves Star Wars more than me. It is that love which drives me to constantly improve the original films. Because as the saying goes, if you love someone, you need to set them free. By changing them a lot.

I ask only that you give the Blu-Ray version a chance. By buying several copies of it. I am currently in the process of purchasing a small private island off the coast of Jamaica, which I intend to fill with memorabilia of my favourite character of all time, Jar Jar Binks. He's funny because he has big ears and speaks funny and steps in doodoo. Teehee! Doodoo! Once I have all of the money you will inevitably spend purchasing the Star Wars re-re-releases, "JarJarmaica" will become a reality.

In conclusion,

Yours special editionally,

George Lucas.

P.S. This letter is the original version of this letter. Rest assured that an extended special edition 3D version of this letter will be made available in 15 years.

The Ten Biggest Star Wars Blu-Ray Changes

We all knew there were going to be some adjustments, or "embetterments", to the Star Wars films with their Blu-Ray release on September 16th. In his infinite wisdom the great creator, George Lucas, has constantly refined his original releases over the years in an effort to create the definitive version of the Star Wars universe. In his quest for perfection, Mr. Lucas will not stop until every character has been replaced with CGI, every line re-dubbed and every special effect re-rendered in jaw-dropping 5D.


io9 has revealed that one of the biggest changes in the Blu-Ray version is that Darth Vader will now scream, "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!" when he throws the Emperor down the shaft in Return of the Jedi.

The fact is, that's only the beginning. The Death Star PR team can now exclusively reveal the ten biggest Star Wars Blu-Ray embetterments:

LOADS more crazy crap in every scene!

Because everyone knows that the absolute BEST way to improve a movie isn't about the script, acting or directing, it's how much CRAZY CGI stuff you can totally unnecessarily cram into the background of Every. Single. Scene. of your films.

Chewbetter

In an effort to improve the realism of the original trilogy, Chewbacca will now be replaced with ChewbaccARGH - an actual, genetically engineered, giant carnivorous killer bear with crossbow paws and a taste for human flesh. Unrelated: Han Solo has a cyborg leg now! How COOL is that, maybe?!

Ewoks blink now.

Ewoks have always been scary. They may look cute from a distance but up close they have the cold, soulless, dead eyes of a homicidal sociopath who just stabbed somebody to death because they didn't stir the sugar into their coffee clockwise three times before drinking it. But now they blink. Oh, you don't think that's pants-wettingly terrifying, Mr. Big Man? Then just imagine sitting in a kid's room filled with teddy bears when all of a sudden you realise they're all blinking at you.
            Wait for it.
                                         Wait for it.
                                                                               There you go.

R2-2D-M4X!

The true hero of both Star Wars trilogies, R2-D2, will receive some big time upgrades in the new old trilogy. The plucky astromech droid will now save the crew of the Millenium Falcon from certain death in Death Star Hangar Bay 327 by flying around shooting rockets at the Stormtroopers before transforming into a giant warrior robot with a flaming sword and a jive talkin' "edgy" African-American voice. (Image found here)

Catchphrases for EVERYONE!

In keeping with the addition of Vader's trademark "NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!" to the Emperor's death scene, all of the main characters will now have a catchphrase which they say incessantly. Luke will respond, "But I was going in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!" (Classic!) every time somebody asks him to do anything. Leia will now address everyone as a "Scruffy looking Nerf Herder" (ZING!), and Obi-Wan will constantly remind everyone that what he's saying is right, "From a certain point of view".

Anakin Begin Again

One of the bigger changes in Return of the Jedi's Special Edition was the change of Anakin Skywalker's Force ghost to Hayden Christensen. To really tie in the prequel and original trilogies, Hayden will also replace Sebastian Shaw in Darth Vader's unmasking scene. And, because YOU demanded it, Jake Lloyd will now play the role of Force ghost Anakin. He will smile cutely, wave and inexplicably shout, "Now THIS is pod racing!" before winking at the audience as we star wipe to black.

New, improved fight scenes

There's nothing quite as thrilling that audiences can totally emotionally invest in as watching completely computer generated characters fight, race, or make sweet blue alien love to, one another for extended periods of time. To that end, Darth Vader's lightsaber duels with Obi-Wan and Luke will now be entirely CGI and involve lots of crazy flips and shit because hey, it worked for Yoda, right?

Ultra-cool post-credits sequence!

You thought Return of the Jedi ended with Rebels smiling and Ewoks happily drumming on Stormtrooper helmets while they feast on Darth Vader's chargrilled corpse, didn't you? Oh, you. A new post-credits sequence shows the ghost of Emperor Palpatine laughing maniacally before flying up the reactor shaft towards the camera whilst shooting lightning from his hands. Did somebody say... TRIquels?!!

Newer, betterer actors

The original films were released a long, long time ago. So long ago that younger generations of viewers have absolutely no idea who, or what, a Carrie Fisher or a Mark Hamill is. In his infinite wisdom, the great creator has digitally altered the original trilogy so that the main characters are now played by the best, hippest, culturally relevant, totally actors of the modern era. Robert Pattinson as Luke Skywalker! Matthew McConaughey as Han Solo! Megan Fox as Princess Leia! And Will Smith as Lando Calrissian!

Han doesn't shoot at all

The famous Mos Eisley Cantina scene has been through quite a few revisions. In the original, Han Solo shot Greedo before the Rodian Bounty Hunter could shoot him, thus immediately and beautifully establishing Han as an anti-hero. In the Special Edition, Han shoots a fraction of a second after Greedo, thus immediately establishing Han as... a kind of anti-hero ... with great reflexes? In the Blu-Ray version, the scene reaches its inevitable conclusion: Han doesn't shoot at all. Rather, he delivers a devastatingly rakish smile and Greedo simply dies of a tragic, completely unconnected heart attack.

The 20 Most Famous Forcesquare Oustings

Living a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, it can be hard to keep up with all of your friends' comings and goings. But it's nice to know that even when you're busy ruthlessly hunting down magical space monks, or controlling armadas of evil spaceships with the power of your mind, there's an easy way to stay connected.

Use the Forcesquare! 

Forcesquare, the original location-based social networking site, allows users to "check-in" to popular locations all over the galaxy, earning points, achievement badges and even major bragging rights by becoming mayor of places like your local cantina or Galactic Senate.

Today, Forcesquare's front page features the 20 Most Famous Forcesquare Oustings. Click to enlarge:

What are you waiting for? Check-in with Forcesquare today! (Particularly if you're a Jedi)

Words/Concept: Robbie Boland. Mind-blowing Art: Scott Morton.

Planet Vader

Normally we're in the business of destroying planets, so today's news presents us with something of a conflict of interest. Earth astronomers have discovered the darkest planet known, a planet made of midnight, cloaked in shadow, blacker even than the blackest of hearts.

The planet TrES-2b, a gas giant some 750 million light years away, is so dark that it reflects back less than 1% (0.01) of the light from its nearby star. As NPR's report states, "That means the planet is blacker than coal. Seen from space, TrES-2b would barely be visible."

As yet, there is no clear explanation as to what makes TrES-2b so dark, though it could be its close proximity to its star, or even, as co-discoverer David Kipping has speculated, due to the presence of a previously unknown chemical.

On Earth, at least. Poor, pathetic Earth scientists. You haven't even invented real lightsabers yet, it's no wonder you can't figure this one out. As usual, it falls to the benevolent Galactic Empire to explain things to you and help you understand how REAL science works.

You see, WE made "Planet Vader" (as it shall be known from now on). Right after Padmé died of totally natural causes, a young Darth Vader was not quite as happy to have been turned into a bachelor and a kick ass evil cyborg as one might expect. In fact, he was a bit depressed. Okay, he was a LOT depressed. The guy cried ALL the frigging time. He cried whenever he heard Celine Dion songs on the radio and wrote a lot of horrible, horrible poetry. Like, HEAPS. Poetry so bad it made Vogon poetry seem like Shakespearean sonnets.

So Emperor Palpatine found the planet responsible for relaying the Celine Dion songs, set the giant laser to 'Extra Crispy' and dedicated the "new" planet to his best bro.

Once Vader got after the post traumatic stress-induced night terrors of being taken to another molten hot planet, he was actually quite appreciative of the gesture.

Story via NPR. (Tip via Dr. Rubidium)

The PR Team is Expanding

We're getting busier here in a Galaxy Far, Far Away. It seems that since Alderaan "mysteriously disappeared", the PR Team fields more and more inquiries by the day. This morning we had seven emails. SEVEN! Okay, four of them were from incredibly naive Nigerian princes whose money will shortly be put towards funding more Death Stars, but still, we've been swamped.

To that end, the Emperor has drastically increased our funding, thereby allowing us to massively expand the Death Star PR blog team by one. Who will work for free, like the rest of it. And enjoy it. (Hey, when your boss can shoot lightning out of his hands, that's a pretty good deal).

The old team:
Words and ideas - Robbie Boland.
Photoshopping wizardry and (im)moral support - Bec Boland.
Logo creator, Death Star PR comic strip maker and industrial designer - Kristian Aus. Follow him on Twitter and marvel at his design skills at autumnproducts.com.au/.

New addition:
Artiste extraordinaire - Scott Morton. Follow him on Twitter and gasp at his graphical prowess at www.scottwearspants.blogspot.com.

Below are some samples of Scott's art. Click for larger versions.

At least we're not as bad as Apple

This might surprise you Sithizens, but the Galactic Empire has a bit of a bad reputation in some parts of the universe. Apparently some people think it's "evil" to oppress an entire galaxy for its own good, or have your Stormtroopers set fire to people's homes and/or the people themselves because they refused to obey the law and sell out their only child, even though he's adopted.

Well, if streamlining people's political choices or using unorthodox but effective methods to expedite police inquiries is wrong, then we don't want to be right. Next you'll be saying that Darth Vader didn't bring balance to the Force by lightsabering the Jedi in the back, or that building a moon-sized doomsday laser isn't the best way to make people feel safe and help them sleep at night.

Right. And we guess people want "equal rights" and "freedom" and "not to have their children forced into slavery to build apocalyptic death weapons"? Pshaw! We laugh maniacally in your general direction! Ahahaha! HAHA! MWAHAhahaHAHAHA!

Anyway, what were we saying? Stupid required by evil law monologues. Ah, yes. Apple. We've told you already that Steve Jobs is building the Galappletic iMpire. What we didn't know then is that he's already several steps ahead of us in evil stakes. You see, Jobs isn't content with blowing up a planet or two. Recently, Apple deleted an entire galaxy.

Here's proof:

The BASTARDS.

According to Tom's Guide, one of several new wallpapers in Mac OS 10.7 Lion features an extremely altered image of the Andromeda Galaxy, in which the M110 Galaxy is completely gone (original and Apple version above).

So next time you're thinking of accusing the Galactic Empire of being "evil", concentrate on fighting TRUE EVIL instead: take your iPhone and go and throw it at an Apple Store instead.

Thanks to Sith Lord Steve Higgins for the tip.

Fool Me Once

 

Fool me once, shame on me.

Fool Darth Vader once, shame about your home planet.