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Tuesday, September 6, 2011
George Lucas has been receiving a lot of negative press for the incredibly minor changes he's made to the Star Wars saga for the upcoming Blu-Ray release.
So much, in fact, that he's personally asked the PR Team to issue the following statement to all Star Wars fans on his behalf:
Dear Star Wars Fans,
It's come to my attention that a small number of you are unhappy with several of the amazing improvements I've made to Star Wars for the Blu-Ray release.
Your concerns are valid and special and incredibly unique, like an original cut of one of my movies on Blu-Ray. Rest assured that those concerns are important to me. This is because I only recently used a small amount of my tremendous personal wealth to build a machine that converts criticism of my movies and fanboy tears into thick, lustrous facial hair.
Let me say, though, that I firmly believe the changes I have made absolutely improve my films. I mean, I've even added dialogue to scenes where there wasn't any! Also, let's be honest, they are my films. I don't complain when you go to the shops and buy something that wasn't originally on your shopping list, do I? Because it's YOUR shopping list. And because I haven't personally been to the shops in 20 years. I have people for that.
Quite a few critics, such as the so-called "fans" at SaveStarWars.com have drawn attention to a speech I gave to Congress in 1988 in which I denounced the altering of films. In that speech, I said, "People who alter or destroy works of art and our cultural heritage for profit or as an exercise of power are barbarians."
What have I ever personally done to these Fan Solo's besides create the greatest film series of all time? Nothing. I've given them my all and they've thrown it back in my face. They've hurt my feelings. And they most definitely shot first.
Of course, these naysayers fail to understand that my speech in 1988 did not live up to my true vision for my speech to congress. Speech FX technology in 1988 was simply incapable of providing me with more than 25-30% of the ideal version of my speech. Subsequent re-releases and Special Editions have enhanced the speech so that the line should actually read:
"People who alter works of art for profit, or to put in some really cool and totally necessary special effects, like an extra three CGI Jawas here and there, are awesome. They are like powerful barbarians who exercise, like my personal friend Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie "Kindergarten Cop"." -George Lucas, Revenge of the Speech, 23rd Anniversary Special Edition.
It may interest you to know that my 1988 speech was not actually my first speech to Congress but the fourth. I can exclusively reveal to you now that the prequel speeches have entered pre-production and will begin shooting as soon as I find an incredibly annoying kid to deliver a young me's speech in Episode I.
Perhaps you're worried that there will be continuity errors between the original speech and the prequels. Fear not, friends. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. A wise man with a fantastic beard once wrote that (I'm talking about me. Sorry, I haven't been using enough badly acted expository dialogue).
Nobody loves Star Wars more than me. It is that love which drives me to constantly improve the original films. Because as the saying goes, if you love someone, you need to set them free. By changing them a lot.
I ask only that you give the Blu-Ray version a chance. By buying several copies of it. I am currently in the process of purchasing a small private island off the coast of Jamaica, which I intend to fill with memorabilia of my favourite character of all time, Jar Jar Binks. He's funny because he has big ears and speaks funny and steps in doodoo. Teehee! Doodoo! Once I have all of the money you will inevitably spend purchasing the Star Wars re-re-releases, "JarJarmaica" will become a reality.
P.S. This letter is the original version of this letter. Rest assured that an extended special edition 3D version of this letter will be made available in 15 years.