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Thursday, November 4, 2010

Competition: Take Over the World

Taking over the Galaxy isn't as easy as it sounds.

Anyone can waltz in with a smarmy smile and a ragtag bunch of friends and destroy your latest doomsday device, but actually coming up with the plan? Sourcing contract workers for that Secret Subterranean Volcano Missile Base you need finished by Tuesday? Funding the construction of a moon-sized superlaser? That's the hard stuff.

Unfortunately, we're running out of new ideas. We need your help.

I couldn't be bothered reading that first part. What do I have to do?

In the comments section below, tell us your foolproof plan for world (or Galaxy) domination. The most impressively airtight, original, carefully conceived and downright hilarious will win the prize.

The competition will run for one week. Entries close Friday 12th November 2010 at 7:00am AEDST.
The Winner and Honourable Mentions will be posted some time after that.

Shut up, PR nerd. What's in it for me?

The prestige of being Death Star PR's Inaugural Competition Winner.

What? That's not enough? Fine. The very generous folks at Nerdoh, makers of Premium Movie Inspired Clothing, have been forced at lightsaber point kindly offered to give a 'Mos Eisley Cantina' T-shirt away to one of Death Star PR's loyal fans.

This one, to be exact:

What else do I need to know?

Relax. Have fun with it. This is "just" a "competition", after all. We'd "never" "actually" use your plan for our own "nefarious" ends, we "promise".
You don't need to win to own Nerdoh shirts: http://www.nerdoh.co.uk/index.php


  1. Scare them all into hiding/submission by having my crazy co-worker repeatedly sing either/both the "Flipper" theme song or "I'm a little Dutch girl"...while dancing to them. I will make her stop when they swear fealty.

  2. Justin Bieber hypnosis videos (for the kids), always-on webcams (for the young adults), shock toupées (for middle-aged men), and remotely-triggered constricting snuggies (for anyone stupid enough to want a snuggie).

    Between this and buying Facebook's user data treasure chest, I will rule with an iron fist.

  3. I would put mind-controlling nanobots in the water supply, I mean I don't know about you, it just seems really obvious.

  4. I would gradually, over time, remove the Earth's core, piece by piece, utilising either spoons or possibly some form of matter transference device (or a really big rocket if we're being low budget here).
    Firstly, with less stuff inside it, the Earth would be wracked with huge earthquakes as the plates floating on the ever-reducing bits of magma left gradually collide more and more. Eventually, the Earth will have no core, and will collapse in on itself. However, before this happens, the moon would disappear from our orbit to fly off somewhere, maybe become a dusty planet of its own possibly, now it is freed from the gravitational force made from our mass.
    Why would I do this, I hear you ask? Well, my dear evildoers, it is quite simple. I will request the governments of the world to grant me ownership and full control of all the planet's assets every single day. If they refuse to grant me what I desire, I mess up the planet's delicate equilibrium. If they do not, I take over the world and everyone benefits. Although I'm evil, it's not like the world hasn't had an evil overlord before.
    However, it would mean a worldwide effort to appease me.
    And how would I reveal to the people my plans? Why, I would post it as a part of a simple competition on a blog somewhere, semi-anonymously, testing the waters, seeing the reaction I get off the world leaders as I gradually remove the planet's internal organs and starship it off somewhere.

  5. Lock them all in a white room and submit them to endless reruns of the Twilight saga movies.
    Then maybe brainwash them with evil Bieber's panic-inducing "Baby baby baby ooohhh" refrain and, least but not least, have them all dressed in Hanna Montana's clothes (and no, I don't care if you're a 2-meters-tall Harley Davidson rider, you are going to look amazing in a sequined pink top and a blonde wig).

    Those who aren't already lost to the cause, will surrender in a matter of seconds, I sense it!

  6. Make them listen to Justin Bieber to the Jonas Brothers music until they submit. You have make sure that all the girls or gay guys are dead first.

  7. from my own blog:

    I released the bees into the U.N. building.

    All hell broke loose, as you’d well imagine. As I was entering the building, people were in a panic, running to and fro, screaming.

    I entered as though I owned the place, calm, cool, collected, clad in a Tuxedo of Bees and a silver-rimmed monocle.

    I walked into the chamber and, as the international ambassadors cowered before my army of bees, took my place at the Secretary General’s podium.

    Looking out at the terrified faces, I couldn’t help smiling.

    Some say cartoonish super-villainy is played out.

    Not in my heart, it isn’t.

  8. I would have to say that by utilising the powers of my dear friend Chuck Norris, I could take over the world quite easily.
    The tricky bit is keeping enough people alive to make taking over worth while. I don't believe Chuck believes in collateral damage or friendly fire. Well, I could reign over the ashes of our burned society I suppose...

  9. I would start by taking over the Congo. Such a wartorn place already, the rest of the world will either not care or laud me for introducing peace and justice. I will then fund my bid for the rest of Africa's rich resources with the Congo's diamonds. Because of all the fighting and wars I would have ready-made troops...and the widespread famine would ensure their zeal for taking over the more agriculturally rich areas - like Europe. Their deaths in the invasion will help with the food shortages. Armed with the nuclear weapons of Europe I would march through the middle east, buying off Mother Russia by letting her take over her children again with impunity. Then I offer the Chinese the ability to live wherever they want, thereby inciting them to a supported rebellion. After China falls, Russia will be invited to take Japan in revenge for 1906. The troops will roll through SE Asia 'liberating' it, then hopscotch across the Pacific to Peru at the same time as a sortie from West Africa takes Brazil. South America will fall to air power and health care. Amnesty will be offered to the Caribbean. Finally there will be a three-pronged assault on North America from Russia, Europe and South America. Once America is in my hands, I'll stab Russia in the back and rule the world from my secret base in Antarctica.

    The end.

  10. Step 1. Think of quirky company name
    Step 2. Start said company
    Step 3. ?
    Step 4. Make $15.6 Septillion (http://rickgold.info/ds/Site/Welcome.html)
    Step 5. Build Death Star

  11. @zyrieen , surely if your brought more diamonds onto the world markets, you'd cause an economic crash... So the world would be crippled by your selling of diamonds to take over Africa. So to be honest... Your plan is basically to weaken the world, then take over the remains, as my plan is, although mine's more of a LITERAL weakening of the world. I suggest we coordinate our attacks. I'll cause the earthquakes where you want to level cities, and you fund my transportation of bits of core material to a black hole somewhere in the vague direction of Betelgeuse. I know if you go far enough in space, there's a black hole, but I want to make sure it doesn't get sidetracked by a planet's gravity well and cause an alien attack- i haven't planned for aliens yet.

  12. Ha! This is EASY. First of all, I would become president over whatever country rules the other ones, so the USA. I would become president by killing the other contestants, and promising everyone a free cheeseburger. Then, when I'm president, I give everyone a REGULAR BURGER, just to piss them off. Now they're all mad, but that's a part of the plan! I would now say that it was Europe who didn't give them cheese, and they would get all mad at EUROPE, not me. I now say that Europe are planing to take over the USA, and that we must defeat them before they come for us! I build an army of loyal men, and we attack the UK first. We kill anyone who doesn't want to be loyal to me. Now, we have an even bigger army, and we do exactly the same to the rest of Europe. Now I'm ruling the USA and Europe! But they are starting to riot, because they STILL haven't gotten their cheeseburgers, and now Europe wants some too! So I make another army, but this time, it's an army OF ANTS. YES, ANTS. I make them bow to my every wish and kill everyone who is not loyal, this can't backfire in any way! I now send the ants to Australia and Asia, killing EVERY Australian person (I don't like the accent), but none of the Asian ones. They work hard, so they can be handy, and they're easy to control. I now send the Asian people to Africa, and make them surrender.
    NOW I AM QUEEN OF THE WORLD. I change my last-name to "Tornado" because that sounds really cool. President/Emperor Tornado, and make everyone speak Norwegian, because I know that language, and to annoy them. Then as a final act, I make the entire world change name to "the Death Star".

  13. Get all the Wookies on your side through life debt. The world will cower soon enough, after all no one likes a "walking carpet."

  14. it's much more simple than u think guys.

    PLAN "A" [05.11.2123.3:22PM]

    - buyin' google.

  15. I would hire some brilliant scientists to create a zombie virus and then release it on the world. Once chaos has ensued, I would gradually build up a base of loyal survivors that would look to me to save them.
    I would shelter them, they would love me (obviously) and then I would unveil the cure for the zombie virus, thereby saving the world. From there, with my new fame and respect, I would turn the world against any surviving government officials, and I would be able to take over. If anyone tried to take me down, I'd release the zombie virus again. Success!

  16. I would start a research program on a cure for cancer or other equally troublesome disease, i shall tamper my results to make it seem as i am making headway while i shall be really using the money for a bio-weapon that shall be transmitted by biting or skin contact, after i have a cure i shall begin testing in africa. i shall make the necessary corrections to the virus (possibly make it airborne) and then slowly make my way over to rule the world. now you may be wondering how i plan to control this virus, it's very simple actually, all i need is to make it a self destructing virus, meaning that the infected will rot in a determined time into a heap of disgusting disease riddled flesh (and other components). Animals will feed on this flesh and become carriers to the disease thus infecting more people before self destructing. Anyway, after eliminating Africa and a few more third world countries i shall offer alliance to first world countries. i shall basically set them upon each other only to stab them in the end. If they resist my me, i shall pretend to bow to their will, then secretly retire to my lunar base (built with all the money, oil, diamonds, etc that i have collected from the third world countries) unleash an upgraded form of the virus, watch the world's destruction and then wait it out for a few months. after the virus has consumed everything with brains on the earth i shall repopulate it with the species that i have taken to my lunar base (think of it as Noah's Arc). Then i shall crown myself President of the United Nations and rule with a democracy disguised dictatorship. I shall then clone myself and teach me everything i know. when the time comes i shall hold elections which my clone will win and present i will present her with unlimited power and the cure so that if any trouble arises she can just repeat my process.

  17. Recruit an army of small baby Portuguese Water Dogs, arm them with knowledge of all things pop. Train them in the dark arts of balloon animals, finger puppets and making shadow things on walls, then build and train, build and train. Waiting patiently for the day they are sent out into the world and are picked up by families. Once picked up by unsuspecting people the training will kick in and they'll make them do their bidding by being cute and hiding socks until they are in the dogs complete control. Then the world is yours.

  18. I would become a superstar, worshiped by tweens everywhere. Using my song lyrics and social networking sites, I would deliver subliminal messages to my followers so they would have no choice but to obey my every command. Once I had an army of tweens, world takeover would be easy. Using the fact that the tween's parents would do anything for the one person who keeps their tween busy, and the fact that parents would buy tweens almost anything to keep them happy, I would gain the support and fear of the adults. Grandparents are even easier; they would do anything for their tween. Everyone else in the world holds tweens in terror, so with my army of tweens who have unlimited funding from parents and grandparents, I would be unstoppable. The only demographic that might be problematic would be college students and young adults. To stop them from fighting, I would hide subliminal messages in Hulu commercials and YouTube and facebook ads as well as on strategic sites across the internet. Having total mental and financial control over everyone in the world, I would get myself unanimously elected as world leader.

    Then I would build a Death Star in case the mind manipulation wears off.

  19. Through a series of elaborate and contrived mini-plots I would insert subliminal mind control messages into "Glee," the Top 40, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Twilight series, Harry Potter series, viral internet videos and Star Wars 3d. Taking a lesson from Soupy Sales the messages will encourage children, teens and adults to send me money.

    With my new wealth I will convince everyone to put me in charge in exchange for... The Return Of Their Favorite TV Shows! Farscape, Firefly, Caprica, Freaks & Geeks, Pushing Daisies, Wonderfalls, My So-Called Life, Veronica Mars, Dollhouse, Space: Above and Beyond, Tru Calling, Twin Peaks and even Roswell. Plus others, all these things earn me the love and loyalty to rule the world. Take over the world? They'll give it to me!

  20. Taking over the world is unnecessary; it's been done. All power to the Hypnotoad.

  21. My plan is called "The badger song".
    All you need is to invade every aspect of human life and substitute everything with the badger song. These are the steps:
    1) Start by creating a viral mania for the badger song in social media. Get everyone talking about that and making funny donations to the Badger Trust for a cause (imaginary). This way you make serious money and people think that this is funny (noone has and idea how serious this is yet).
    2) Now things get serious. Because of the social media mania, you get media coverage. Moreover, you are probably rich by now. You start invading TV and radio, buying TV and radio stations, newspapers, billboards, stores etc. Now the badger song is everywhere. You even have online ads, banners,everything. Things start to get out of hand, people start to fill the badger song invading their lives, and as a next step you set up a company "Badger Inc.".
    3) The company is hiring people to dance the badger song in the streets (of course by now the badger song plays in the streets 24/7 in most cities). All employees have to sing the badger song and dance to it constantly, or get fired. You get programmers to change the content in every webpage so that they are all full with the badger song. Noone can now avoid the badger song. People start to get mad (try listening to that song for more than 3 minutes and staying sane). You bribe the whole political system, and you become the undeniable king of the world. You declare Badgerism as the only official system and kill whoever opposes to it. People pray to the Great Badger who created the Holy Badger Song and soon forget who they are. Now everyone is a badger, and the whole world is under you and the Badger Inc.
    4) You sell 51% of the Badger Inc., including all nations and mad people/badgers to DeathStar PR, and evacuate the planet asap.

  22. Taking Over The World

    1) Build new Death Star (sans open exhaust port flaw)

    2) Create a virus that destroys the midi-chlorians in any organism

    3) Increase the midi-chlorian count of 21 chihuahuas; make them my Sith apprentices (with names like Darth Frankie, Taquito and Little Buddy); keep them away from virus unlike last time (I never should have re-assigned the idiots that made the Death Star exhaust ports to dog-walking duty)

    4) Find off-worlds that contain excessive amounts of gold; mine all to store in Death Star; watch for Stormtroopers who suddenly have large amounts of "bling"

    1) Secretly release midi-chlorian-destroying virus to human population through world's supply of Coca Cola, McDonald's French fries and rice (may have to also taint broccoli to cover overly zealous vegans)

    2) Park Death Star in orbit around Earth (consult with PR department about media plan, with emphasis on getting ship's name in public as name "Death Star" is intimidating)

    3) Distribute gold to all countries so that their supply equals that of the U.S., immediately destablizing the world's economy (make sure to laugh at pissed off weathiest in US that thought paying an extra 3% in taxes was going to suck)

    4) During financial meltdown, release enhanced Sith chihuahuas, each with a small army of Clones, onto an area of the world they are responsible to conquer/hold (an army of dudes that all look alike led by Lightsaber-weilding small dog is sure to strike fear/confusion into hearts of men and make conquering easier)

    Post-conquering goals
    1) Find and eliminate any remaining Jedi or those with Jedi potential (easiest way = search on YouTube for videos, starting with "Star Wars kid")

    2) Break will of the common people (cancel "Jersey Shore," replace with "Charlie Rose")

    3) Find that great soul food restaurant, Sylvia's (in Harlem), and reward the clones and chihuahuas with one of their fabulous barbeque rib dinners (with two sides, bread and sweet tea, no substitutions)

    4) Kick back with feet up and find date for this week's Death Star Ice Cream Social

  23. well I, Jeremy, have spent long hours at night musing over how I would take over the world with my friend, Autumn. First of all we would amass many pangolins and form them into an army, those who fall in battle will have their scales made into armor for my army of KungFu pandas, while this is going on I will use extreme subterfuge, political maneuvering and extortion to throw China into chaos as my pangolin army marches on both it and Mongolia, while doing this my personal army of pandas and Autumns army of llamas march on Atlantis and take it over, then while in control of some of the most advanced technology in the world I will begin my siege on hog-warts and conquer england on the side while Autumn begins our conquest of Africa starting with the island of Madagascar, we will then nuke and bomb the country of Russia because they are all a bunch of crazy former communists anyway.
    while that is happening our armies will move from Mongolia and the newly conquered China into Kazakhstan where they will kill Borat and all his countrymen and begin a jedi gone bad breeding program with lots of cloning and steroids to start producing force choking, occasional limbless, warriors within months of establishment. Mongolia will be turned into a completely awesome military base and will start conquering it's way through Africa, it is at this point that through Frank, the FBI agent who wiretaps most of my calls and monitors most of my internet action, I will begin to siphon false information about North Korea and who it plans to nuke, thus throwing the United States into a war with North Korea (with quite a bit of pushing from other sources too) and just as this happens we will use my recently enslaves wizards and witches from hog-warts to enslave Mexico and the rest of the Middle American countries that don't really matter, thus simultaneously cutting off the Panama Canal supply route and weakening all western countries, by this time Africa will be conquered all the way to Egypt where we will cut of the Suez Canal, doing to the east what we did to the west. and while doing this i will move from england to cut off the English channel and invade into France, all the while recruiting and replenishing my armies in all parts of the world from Egypt i will move into Saudi Arabia thus cutting the United States off from oil and providing us with some much needed financial security, by this time my "jedi"s will be ready and approach world leaders with offers of help, not knowing that the "jedi"s have gone to the dark side they will accept the help gratefully. the "jedi" in the United States will convince Obama to divert all troops from the Mexican border to the war with North Korea. it is at this point that we will finally invade the United States.
    now controlling most of the worlds wealth and weapons our conquest shall be easy from there, we will move from Middle America into South America, rip Venezuela from Hugo Chavez's dirty little fingers and control even more of the worlds oil (like we need it) by now all of Africa will be conquered without much of a fight and the Middle East will be beginning to crumble with our armies on both sides of them, expansion in Europe will be going smoothly and countries will be surrenderer hoping to keep at least some freedom instead of being conquered. the whole of South America, most of Europe, and all of Asia, except the Koreas and Japan, will surrender and be subjected to our rule. Canada, New Zealand, both Koreas, Greenland, Iceland, Sweden, Finland and Australia will try to form an alliance, we then nuke and bomb half of Canada into nothingness, and claim the rest then strategically take both of the Koreas and Iceland, completely cut off from one another the alliance fails and the countries surrender.
    with the entire world under our thumb we begin to make laws suppress any early forming rebellions, violently. form a new world oligarchy and chain of command, and implement my own personal brand of totalitarianism.

  24. or i could save myself some trouble and ask for a favor from my good old friend, Chuck of the Norris

  25. I would raise a berserker army of hobos hopped up on PCP, and take over the world one country at a time starting with Canada.