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Friday, May 27, 2011

11 Reasons Why the Doctor Is A Terrible Person

You may think that just because he's saved a few worlds/universes/realities a couple of times, the Doctor is pretty great, but the truth is that the "Mad man with a box" is really a terrible, terrible person. Here are 11 reasons why:

11. He doesn't share

The Doctor travels around in the TARDIS, the most amazing piece of technology the universe has ever seen. Just imagine the advancements he could make in the technological development of planets across the stars if he shared even a fraction of the TARDIS's wonders: no more overcrowding, near limitless energy and universal language translation to name a fraction of the possibilities (without even mentioning virtually instantaneous travel throughout time and space). And this doesn't even begin to cover all of the knowledge he has rattling around inside that giant brain of his.

10. He's an arrogant bastard

Genius doesn't quite cover it. The Doctor's probably the smartest man in the universe. How do we know? Because he's constantly telling everybody. There's nothing wrong with being smart (particularly when you harness it for productive things like orchestrating a giant space war so that you can take over a galaxy or two), but you don't have to Time lord it over everyone all the time. Plus, he always speaks in impossible to understand technobabble, gave himself the pretentious title of "Doctor" and feels totally okay about making decisions that will effect entire planets without consulting the natives, presumably because they're beneath him.

9. He's a show off

Everyone knows the Doctor always saves the day. The Doctor knows exactly how he's going to horribly murder an "evil" alien species and stop their incredibly complicated plot to destroy Earth three minutes after he meets them, but does he ever stop to tell his friends about it? Of course not. He keeps them guessing right up until the moment he turns the reality bomb off at the switch with two seconds to go. Sure, he COULD have done it seven minutes ago and saved you a few heart attacks but where would the fun be in that?

8. He's a vagrant

The Doctor is the universe's most famous homeless person. "But he lives in his TARDIS!" we hear you say. Wrong. The TARDIS is a spaceship, a method of transportation designed to get you from A to B, not to be lived in forever. Just because someone lives out of the really big trunk of their really big car doesn't mean they can call it a house. Plus...

7. He always wears the same clothes

Bow ties and fezzes may be cool, but what's up with wearing exactly the same outfit for years at a stretch? At best, he has many versions of the same outfit (and an extremely worrying form of OCD). At worst, he has just the one, which you have to admit leads to some pretty major personal hygiene problems.

6. He's moody

You know what's hard? Dealing with a person who has constant mood swings. And nobody has more ups and downs and loops than the Doctor, except the rides at Disneyland. One minute he's being charmingly eccentric, the next he's manically weeping about being the last of his kind (get over it already! We've all got problems - the PR team is almost out of milk). In fact, he takes insane mood swings to a whole new level by regenerating, literally changing bodies and personalities every few years. Even more confusingly, these regenerations sometimes meet up and talk to one another. Make up your mind/s!

5. He's a creepy old man who kidnaps people

The Doctor is always stealing people away in his TARDIS, which if you think about it, is like a space combivan: beat up on the outside, you can't see into it, it's somehow bigger on the inside and most of the people who get into it are never heard from ever again. Worse, he almost exclusively travels with gorgeous young ladies who are several hundred years his junior. To accurately put that creepiness into perspective, imagine your grandad always asking attractive teenage girls to go on extended holidays with him, except the girls won't be born until the year 2897. That's Sean Penn dating Scarlett Johansson level of disturbing.

4. He's a public menace

Is there a bigger serial pest in the entire universe than the Doctor? Trespassing, breaking and entering, malicious damage of private property, identity theft, misrepresentation and corporate espionage are all a regular part of the Doctor's average day. And it's not like he's doing these things out of some noble reason like trying to feed his poor, starving children. Oh no. Most of the time he commits these crimes because he's bored and hey, it's fun to violate people's privacy, right?

3. He's speciesist

The Doctor has no problems slaughtering aliens (or "monsters" as he calls them) wholesale (see below), but if a human horribly murders an alien, he immediately turns a blind eye, or at worst gives them his patented Heartbroken Doctor Stare™. Likewise, the Doctor goes out of his way time and time again to save humanity... at the expense of poor, misunderstood aliens who may have been trying to take over the world, or maybe just trying to borrow some sugar for their tea.

2. He's a genocidal maniac

If wiping out entire alien races on multiple occasions isn't enough to make you a terrible, terrible person, then nothing is. As well as openly admitting to killing his own race, the Time Lords, the Doctor has also wiped out the Vervoids and the Racnoss (to name a few), stopped the Futurekind from ever having existed and taken several shots at permanently exterminating the Daleks. More recently, he's even encouraged the human race to follow his example by subliminally ordering them to kill the Silence wherever and whenever humanity encounters them. What a guy!

1. What has he done for you lately?

Sure, the Doctor has saved the world a few times but what has he done for you lately? Where was he when your cat Professor Mittens was run over, or you really needed to pop back in time to speak to Abraham Lincoln for a few minutes so you could pass your History exam? In fact, think about every single massively craptastic moment in your entire life. The Doctor could have hopped into in his fancy time machine and stopped all of them, but he didn't. So basically, he hates you personally.


  1. you should have used hartnell's pic for the kidnapping. the first episode he kidnaps 2 school teachers and refuses to take them home.

    1. To be fair, he kidnaps two stalkers. Makes you think about who the REAL villains are...

  2. I always get good things from people in combivans. well... except that one time.

  3. You do have a point, even though I don't see it in the same way as you do, so I won't go into detailed.

    Except for your first point, that he doesn't share. He doesn't share his technology because he can't. He's a time traveller, he knows what happens in the future. He can't go and help advance our technology without screwing time itself. Not to mention go knows what would happen if time-travel technology gets in the wrong hands.

    As for your last point. How many human beings are there right now? A few billion? Now imagine you're a Time Lord and you would have to spend your whole life (and that's one long life) stopping every bad thing, little or bad, that happens to every single human. Could you do it? I don't think anyone could. And that's just humans on earth. What about when we expand to the stars, when there's around 900,000 trillion or more humans in the universe? And that's not including every other alien race that's out there.

    Not only that, but if he were to do it, stop every bad thing that happens to us, we would depend on him for EVERYTHING. We wouldn't learn to do things on our own. We wouldn't learn how to deal with life when shit hits the fan. The whole human race would depend on the Doctor to protect us from even a scratch. Is that the sort of would you would like to live in? =/

  4. Dear God Kenn, lighten up! It's supposed to be funny! I'm one of the biggest Doctor Who fans on the planet and I loved this, keep up the good work!

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  6. Re: #7 and #8, you forgot to mention that he's stolen clothes on at least three occasions -- from hospitals, no less -- and shoes multiple times as well.

    Also, I'd like to formally welcome Kenn to the Internet. Enjoy your stay. ♥

  7. This post made me literally laugh out loud even though I'm a huge Doctor Who fan. Good Job

  8. Hah, oh, that evil, evil Doctor! Will the universe ever be safe from his freelance meddling?

  9. He does change the past, even if he says he doesn't. In the first episode on TV (and the book) he is the grandfather, a rather unpleasant earthling professor. The he becomes an Alien from gallifrey and invents a whole new past! THE CHEAT!

  10. LOL Loved it. Just where WAS he when I wanted to be somewhere warm when I was blizzarded in? He must hate me. AS for the kidnapping thing, way to true and funny...

  11. LOL! Its a fun post, thanks for enlightening me (I'm still a Doctor Who geek :P)

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