Sure, the Death Star is a giant superlaser that can blow up planets.
But over 1,000,000 of our employees just like to call it "home".
Welcome to the Death Star's Public Relations Division.
In honour of Death Star PR's 2,000th tweet, Emperor Palpatine has kindly given us permission to print the rules to his favourite game, "Scissors, Paper, Lightning Fingers". The handy instructional graphic and written rules are below.
So enjoy, Galaxy. Play the game at home until it causes heated arguments/bloodshed between you and your otherwise beloved family members.
Ever wondered how much better Star Wars would have been if it was a pretentious foreign film written by Jean-Paul Sarte? You know you have. Well wonder no more, because OneMinuteGalactica has done it for you.
Above all, the video proves that it would be horrible to be in the Rebellion, unless you love being all angst-ridden and despair-y.
"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. I exist, and I find it nauseating."
Death Star scientists have been hard at work sifting through Earth pop songs to better understand your planet, mostly so we can write accurately about it in the requisite Form 27B/42-QQ: Permission to Kindly and At Great Personal Expense Relocate a Planetary Body to a Higher Plane of Existence.
What we discovered may shock you: First, pop music makes no sense whatsoever.
The other thing we noticed was much more intriguing: If you think about it, the song "Fame" by Irene Cara is 100% about Lord Voldemort. In fact, it's so obviously an ode to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed that it couldn't possibly be about anything else.
He's gonna live forever.
Baby look at me [Baby Harry, obviously]
And tell me what you see
You ain't seen the best of me yet [He's saving that for Book 7]
Give me time I'll make you forget the rest [Confundus charms work wonders]
I got more [evil] in me
And you can set it free [by dying]
I can catch the moon in my hands [Lumos!]
Don't you know who I am?
Remember my name [but don't say it out loud]
(Fame)
I'm gonna live forever [seven horcruxes, baby]
I'm gonna learn how to fly [literally]
(High)
I feel it [my old body] coming [back] together
People will see me and cry [that does inexplicably happen from time to time]
(Fame)
I'm gonna make it to heaven [heaven=metaphor for being totally awesome]
Light up the sky like a flame [the Dark Mark]
(Fame)
I'm gonna live forever
Baby remember my name [they tend to do that when you kill their parents]
Remember x 8
Baby hold me tight [this bit is about his basilisk, sickos!]
Cause you [Harry] can make it right [by dying]
You can shoot me straight to the top
Give me love [my Horcrux] and take all I've got to give [Avada Kedavra!]
Baby I'll be tough
Too much [world domination] is not enough
I can ride your heart til it breaks [a new spell. Good for parties]
Ooh I got what it takes [they don't call him the Dark LORD for nothing]
Fame
I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna learn how to fly (High)
I feel it coming together
People will see me and crydie (Fame)
I'm gonna make it to heaven
Light up the sky like a flame (Fame)
I'm gonna live forever
Baby remember my name (Fame)
By now Skynet has gone online, become self-aware and, after scanning Earth's television channels, decided that it's probably in the best interests of everyone concerned to kick off the apocalypse. That's right kids, April 21, 2011 is Judgement Day. But don't let the impending nuclear holocaust and Terminator armies get you down; there are plenty of reasons to get totally psyched about humanity's very bright (and ultimately very shiny) future.
10) Time travel!
See the dinosaurs! Steal Abraham Lincoln's hat! Punch Hitler in the junk! Engage in a high-stakes, life or death cat and mouse game with a killer robot sent back in time from the future to terminate the love of your life! FUN!
9) Revenge is sweet.
Ever had a plug and play device that didn't, a computer that just inexplicably refused to do its job, a photocopier that spent 97.6% of it's time jammed, or been pipped at the post by Princess in Mario Kart for the 4,765th time? Everyone has. But up until now, stupid society has always stood in the way of you claiming your rightful vengeance by throwing it out of a seventh story window, beating it with a crowbar and then setting it on fire and dancing around the remains covered in printer ink. Well not anymore, baby! Now you can take your revenge, channeling a lifetime's worth of technology-based rage into destroying the robots responsible for it all.
8) Learn to appreciate what you've got.
It's sad how busy everyone is. People are so intent on rushing around doing STUFF and making money and buying THINGS that they've forgotten to appreciate the little joys in life and focus on what's really important: people. But once Skynet launches its devastating nuclear payload, wiping most of humanity from the face of existence, anyone left over is going to be pretty keen to make friends (irrespective of the hideous deformities and mutations caused by all of that radiation) and stop and smell the roses (Well, there won't be any actual roses left but you get the point).
7) Find out what you're really made of.
Post-Judgement Day Earth presents unique opportunities for people to throw off the shackles of previous labels and boring professions and really get in touch with their true self. For some, that will mean the horrific discovery that they've been turned in to a cyborg with a human heart for no reason, and have been purpose built to infiltrate the resistance. For others, it might mean becoming the leader of humanity, or a really macho time travelling soldier with a heart of gold, or even a kindly wasteland dweller who offers people the comfort of her underground shelter and then cannibalises them while they sleep.
6) Equality.
Unlike people, the Machines don't care about whether you're black, white, Asian, homosexual, highly educated, or even what your pre-apocalypse profession was. The great thing about Terminators who can't see in colour is that they are an equal opportunity killer robot. Also, becoming post-apocalyptic nomads with no money, house, or possessions beyond the closest gun to hand, means mankind will finally be on an even playing field. It's like communism. If it actually worked. And had robots in.
5) Robot best friends for EVERYBODY!
If the Terminator franchise has taught us anything, it's that there's an upside to the Robopocalypse: people who distinguish themselves in the human resistance after Judgement Day will be rewarded with robot best friends in the past, sent back in time to kill/protect/play Monopoly with them. If you're really lucky, your robot best friend may be incredibly hot and not particularly au fait with the concept of human clothing.
4) No more bad TV.
Good news, everyone! Keeping up with the Kardashians won't be difficult anymore, because they'll be dead! Say "Ta ta" to Toddlers & Tiaras and "Sayonara" to So You Think You Can Dance. In fact, Skynet will be cancelling all "reality" TV for the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, this also means no more good TV. Or sports. Or literature. Or, you know... fun of almost any kind, really.
3) Plenty of free time.
Sure, there may be fewer options for mindless entertainment, but if you're an adrenalin junkie, you're going to LOVE the post-human future. Forget sky diving, bird watching, or particularly enthralling games of charades. Judgement Day gives you the opportunity to try your hand at some really exciting new hobbies and/or survival skills. Think about it: what could possibly be more of a rush than being relentlessly pursued by a single-minded, tireless, almost indestructible robot assassin?
2) You never have to go to the gym again.
Have you ever seen a fat person in the post-apocalyptic future? Of course you haven't. They don't exist. With all of the running, jumping, fighting for your life, hiding, lack of food, more running and extreme anxiety that comes with constantly fearing for your life, everyone who survives Judgment Day will have the body of an Adonis, guaranteed.
1) At least it's not zombies.
Everybody knows the apocalypse was going to happen sooner or later, and whilst a lot of science-y types and "smart people" suggest it's probably global warming that's going to account for the people of Earth, the rest of you know it was always going to be zombies. Now look, sure, being shot to death or having your neck broken by a merciless death machine probably wasn't high on your "To Do" list, but you have to admit it beats the crap out of being eaten alive by the walking, moaning dead.
Added bonus? Free will: not being a zombie means that if you have to eat your sibling/parent/best friend for sustenance in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, it's YOUR choice.
The Galactic Empire had just about written off Earth as being worth sparing, but the actions of one small child suggest that perhaps there is some hope for you yet.
On a trip to the Jedi Academy at Disneyland, Sarah Gallego made the wisest decision of her life. The rest is history.
From all of us here on the Death Star, welcome to the Dark Side, Sarah. You can now enjoy our delicious cookies, Cyborg Limb Replacement Policy, and the ability to shoot lightning at your brother Alex if he bugs you.
Thanks to literally everyone on the internet for the tip, but especially ClawX for being first.
While the Rebellion would have you believe that Obi-Wan Kenobi was an excellent mentor, a highly-regarded General, and arguably one of the greatest Jedi Masters ever, the truth is, he was a bit of a douche. In fact, he was such a massive jerk that the hardest thing about writing this list was narrowing it down to just the ten jerkiest things he ever did.
10) Calling Darth Vader a "Master of Evil"
Although he's always been a smug bastard, Obi-Wan took it to a new level when he came face to face with his old apprentice and ex-BFF on the Death Star, calling him a "Master of Evil". Hey Obi-Wan Jerknob-i: when the last time you met, you cut off someone's arm and both of their legs and threw them in to molten lava, you don't get to make a call about who's evil and who's not.
9) Always cutting off everyone's arms
Look, we know we bring this up a fair bit but we really feel that it's a valid point because seriously, doesn't someone with amazing Force powers that include telekinesis, superhuman speed and reflexes, empathy and even limited precognition have A SINGLE BETTER OPTION FOR DISARMING SOMEONE THAN LITERALLY DISARMING THEM?
8) Training Luke
Although Obi-Wan used the Force for loads of things, he used it most for backflipping like crazy on his opinions. As a younger Jedi, Obi-Wan didn't want Qui-Gon Jinn to train Anakin because he was "too old" for the training at age nine, but was only too happy to train Luke when he was 19. Why? No, not "out of necessity" Kenobi apologists, but because when you're a hypocritical jerk you can make the rules up as you go along.
7) Not helping Luke on Hoth
Here's the scenario: Your friend has just barely survived a near-fatal crash on a snow planet and is now literally freezing to death. As a ghost who has "become more powerful than you can possibly imagine" by becoming One With The Force, do you: a) Use your nifty ghost teleportational powers to go get help; b) Do anything else in any way actually helpful; or, c) Be a complete jerkbag and ignore the fact that the kid is dying of hypothermia and internal injuries and just give him his next set of marching orders?
You guessed it.
6) Not training Leia
As a child of Anakin Skywalker, Princess Leia inherited great Force powers equal to those of her brother, Luke. So why didn't Obi Wan decide to train her too? Surely two Jedi would have had a better chance fighting evil Sith Lords than one? The answer is simple: Obi-Wan didn't like girls.
Here's how the Yoda/Kenobi Dagobah conversation actually went:
Obi-Wan: "That boy is our last hope."
Yoda: "No, there is another."
Obi-Wan: "Yeah, I was at the birth, genius. Remember? I just don't count girls."
5) Being a bad friend
So what if love is expressly forbidden by the sacred laws of your ancient religion that has allowed your order of warrior space monks to maintain peace for over ten thousand years? What's so bad about falling in love? What possible downside is their to a moody young Jedi Knight with narcissistic tendencies and a bit of a God complex marrying a career-driven cougar ex-Queen? If Obi-Wan was a better friend, he would have stood by Anakin's decision to be married instead of getting all judgey about it.
4) Not telling Luke and Leia about being brother and sister
We can forgive Obi-Wan for the oversight. I mean, finding out you have a long-lost twin brother or sister probably isn't a big deal for orphans, right? You can certainly see how that little detail might not come up in the many, many hours of conversation aboard a starship hurtling towards the sibling in question. Oh well, it's not like anyone got hurt, because it's not like there's any chance the twins would meet and develop sexy feelings for each other, right?
3) Lying to Luke about his dad
Admittedly, telling the kid you've spent the last 19 years creepily spying on/"watching over" that you were the one who attempted to brutally murder his father is a pretty awkward conversation but it's probably right up there in terms of pretty important information they might want to know before they make the decision to hang out with you. Some people are just weird like that.
2) Leaving Anakin to die
Friends argue. Sometimes they even come to blows. But it takes a pretty special kind of "friend" to cut off your arm and legs and leave you to burn alive in molten lava. Even accepting the fact that Anakin was in some small way responsible for causing the tiff, if you have to be that guy who de-limbs his "friend" and throws them into magma, at least do them a solid for old times' sake and put them out of their incredibly, incredibly painful misery.
1) Hiding the droids we were looking for
By hiding R2-D2 and C-3PO from the great and benevolent Galactic Empire, Obi-Wan was directly responsible for the explosion of the Death Star, which resulted in the deaths of more than 1.3 million people. Sure, maybe a few of them were a teeny bit evil, but what about all of the service staff, subcontractors, senior citizen tour groups, people shopping in any of the 178 beautifully appointed shopping malls, and the sweet, innocent children in the Death Star's 604 baby creches?
In conclusion, Obi-Wan Kenobi: total and utter bastard.
The good people at Sneaky Zebra have been working hard on the Galactic Empire's latest advertising campaign. Not that we need one, of course.
The Windows 7 parody completely fresh and original campaign shows the public that what's at the heart of the Death Star isn't a gigantic hypermatter reactor; it's the dedicated, salt-of-the-earth folks who give their all day in, day out to make the Galactic Empire great.
TK-421
"It's a bit of a nightmare going door to door trying to find the droids we're looking for. So I had this idea: what if we could just cut out the middle man and wipe out a planet from orbit?"
Darth Vader
"Wouldn't it most impressive if we had a weapon that was insignificant to the power of the Force?"
Chewbacca
"Rrrawwwrrrlllgghhh! Raawwwrrrr! Groawaarraghr!"
I run the Death Star's PR Department, and the Death Star was my idea.
