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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

11 Reasons Why Bad's The New Good

Beside the great hair, chiselled jawline, rockhard physique, nerves of steel and the adoration of the masses, why does everybody grow up wanting to be a "hero"? Life is so much better when you're bad. Supervillain bad. Here are 11 reasons why it's good to be bad:

11) You get to be your own boss.
Nobody likes being told what to do or when to do it. As a supervillain, you get to choose your own pet projects and, more importantly, your own hours. If you enjoy a good sleep in, fine. Get to work on that moon-mounted nuclear missile battery after a late brunch.
Also, having lots of henchmen makes doing household chores a breeze.

10) Traditional black outfit is very slimming AND hides those pesky bloodstains.
There's a reason why bad guys always wear black and it's not symbolism: black hides the flab and the telltale DNA evidence in a way no other colour can.

9) You shouldn't judge a book by its black, hideously disfigured cover
These days the business world is all about style over substance. What you do isn't important, only how pretty you look doing it. Unfortunately, those who happen to have a horribly disfiguring facial scar or a robotic claw for a hand don't even get a chance to prove themselves.
Supervillainry, on the other hand, welcomes those with less than aesthetically "perfect" bodies. Indeed, it's those charming little physical imperfections that make a supervillain stand out from the crowd. And give them some excellent fuel for the "building a doomsday device" fire.

8) Plenty of opportunities to show off that maniacal laugh you’ve been working on.
Sure, they may look effortless but really good maniacal laughs don't just happen by accident. They take time and determination to create. If you're going to put all that effort into something, it's good to know it will be regularly appreciated.

7) Murder is a growth industry.
Everybody's going to die sooner or later, so you may as well make some money from it. Plus, we’ve all wanted to kill somebody at some point. Why fight it?

6) Own exotic animals, interesting architectural features and/or diabolical death traps.
Dog? Big deal. Dining table? So passe. Swimming pool? Yawn. Supervillains aren't bound by the traditional. While everyone else is keeping up with the Joneses, supervillains have encased them in carbonite and use them as decorative lawn fixtures. In an evil lair you can really let your imagination go wild. Want a swimming pool under a hidden floor in the lounge room filled with Gorilla/Sharks with shoulder-mounted rocket launchers, or a dining table that converts into spinning saws? Go for it!

5) Money is no object...
When you can steal it from banks using your TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME giant mole machine. 'Nuff said.

4) Lots of available real estate for that secret base on the moon.
Cities become more and more crowded by the day. You can hardly kill anyone without some inquisitive do-gooder finding out about it and lecturing you about the "sanctity of human life" and the "law" and how experimental freeze rays are "bad". But not on the moon, or deep underneath an active volcano. Quiet, roomy, out-of-the-way locations are a steal to buy AND the perfect place to set up an evil lair.

3) It's good "brain food".
Any pimply-faced, snot-nosed 16 year old kid with magic powers, training from a creepy old wizard and a bunch of ragtag-yet-lovable misfit friends can ruin a lovingly crafted, intricately detailed and incredibly devious plan for world domination in seconds. But coming up with that unnecessarily intricate plan in the first place? That's the hard part. Not many people have the initiative and bravely visionary thinking required to change/take over the world.

2) You get to deliver some great monologues.
The monologue is a supervillain's turn to shine. With all eyes on them, the meglomaniac gets to show off their acting range and simultaneously prove just how smart they are by explaining the plan that, up until now, nobody else really understood. It doesn't get any better than that.

1) Being bad helps other people be good
a) Nothing makes a person happy like the endorphins you get from a good workout. If you think that's pretty good, wait until you feel the amazing adrenalin rush that comes with dangling headfirst over a pool of killer sharks with rocket launcher teeth.
b) Nobody ever heard of a hero with a sub-par nemesis. Only by having a truly evil bad guy can the hero be truly good. Which means bad guys bring out the best in people.
Still not convinced? Consider taking candy from a baby. A lot of people strangely seem to consider this as stealing from a poor defenseless being for your own self-gratification, but really, it's just being helpful: babies shouldn't eat candy.