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Thursday, July 29, 2010

Wookieeleaks Scandal

The Empire has been rocked today by what has quickly been dubbed 'Wookieegate' and the 'Wookieeleaks Scandal': the release of over 92,000 top secret Rebel Alliance documents to news agencies throughout the Galaxy.
The documents cover everything from dissident troop movements to highly classified military strategies and even include the personal files of some of the Rebellion's most visible figures.
Although the source of these leaks, referred to variously as 'Whooppiee' and 'Kashynynnn', has chosen to remain anonymous for safety reasons, it is believed they are a Wookiee of high standing within the Rebel Alliance.

Amongst countless other pieces of information, the leaked documents reveal:
  • Acknowledgment by the Rebel High Command that a parsec is a unit of distance, not time and that Han Solo and Chewbacca never completed the Kessel Run. They were regularly too busy getting high on glitterstim.
  • Medical logs also paint a grim picture of Solo's decline from promising smuggler to drug addict, space prostitute and eventual multiple STD sufferer.
  • Leia "Princess" Organa suffers from extreme germophobia and has an intense hatred of the poor, and homeless people in particular. 
  • Obi Wan "Ben" Kenobi lived in a cave for over twenty years in order to "watch over" a young boy, waiting for the opportunity to take him from his family in order to "train" him to "use" a "lightsaber". 
Luke "Pretty Boy" Skywalker's personal diary was also amongst the sensitive documents leaked . Multiple entries seem to question Rebel Command decisions, as well as, seemingly, his own sexuality. Excerpts follow:
Dear Diary, Hoth is so freakin' cold. I'm freezing my tits off. Who the force decided to build a rebel base on an ice planet? Love, Luke S. x
Dear Diary, spent last night with Han inside a tauntaun. He said it was to keep me warm but there was definitely inappropriate touching. Love, Luke S. x

Perhaps most damning of all, the documents detail the terrorist's plan to blow up the lynchpin in the government's Galactic Defense Strategy - the Death Star. The success of this plan would result in the murder of some 1.3 million civil servants, destroying families, weakening the collective security of all of the Galaxy's citizens and costing taxpayers trillions of credits.

'Wookieleaks' is being widely hailed as an emphatic win for the Galactic Empire's peaceful, prosperous and legitimate rule and a gigantic blow to the credibility of the insurgent Rebel Alliance and its claims that the Empire is a merciless, totalitarian regime.

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