Star Wars A Neil Patrick Hope: An Open Letter to Neil Patrick Harris

Dear Neil Patrick Harris,

We're just going to come straight out and say it. We like you. Just enough for you to be flattered by the fact that we think you're cool and maybe want to grab dinner and a movie with us sometime, so we have things to talk but only for a finite period of time in case it doesn't go well, but not enough to be creepy. Okay, no. You know what? We could never lie to you, NPH. You deserve better than that. We like you like Jabba the Hutt loves slave girls and dropping people in Rancor pits, which is to say, a lot, probably. We're never sure what he's talking about. Not like you, NPH. You're so ridiculously talented, what with your singing and acting and dancing and what not, you probably speak Huttese and a minimum of 47 other alien languages. We love that about you.

Of course, we appreciate that you're so much more than just a living compendium of knowledge on alien languages. You're also a consummate entertainer and a master magician (without even using the Force, too! Wow. Your versatility continually blows us away, NPH!) and probably the universe's second best dad, right after Darth Vader.

"Get to the point, evil PR Team!" we imagine we hear you say. Fair point, Neil. That's another thing we love about you in our imaginary conversations. You always cut to the very heart of the matter, like a conversation doctor with a fetish for cardiothoracic surgery. "That's no nonsense Neil for you." That's what we always say for the first time just now. Anyway, the point being:

We need a star for the Death Star. A celebrity spokesperson to help spread Death Star PR, and the Galactic Empire's, message of love, peace, tolerance, and blowing up other people's planets if they don't agree with us. And we want it to be you. Join us and together we can rule the galaxy as PR Team and Son.

"But why should I help the Galactic Empire?" we imagine we hear you ask. Great imaginary question, NPH. You're like the Olympic Gold Medallist of Astute Imaginary Question Asking, except better, because you'd never make a huge deal about being such an amazing imaginary question asker. No sir. That's not the Neil Patrick Harris way. If we know Neil Patrick Harris, which we don't, he isn't about boasting, he's about fashionable scarfs and hosting the CRAP out of awards ceremonies.

To answer your question that you didn't ask, there are a whole bunch of reasons why you should, nay, MUST help us, NPH. You are going to be absolutely flabbergasted by how much you have in common with an evil galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime. Flabbergasted!

 
Firstly, you were a boy genius doctor, which can only mean one thing: you must have an incredibly high Midi-chlorian count, just like Darth Vader. Except instead of using your amazing Force powers to win the Boonta Eve Classic pod race (which you undoubtedly could have done, be tee dubs - we believe in you, NPH!), you chose to use your godlike powers to help the sick and slowly type pithy moral codas in to your computerised diary. And if you think about it, aren't they the same thing, really?

Secondly, you and Darth Vader both love to use the catchphrase, "SUIT UP!" Did you know that, NPH? You probably did, on account of you being a precocious child genius and Hollywood megastar. The only slight difference between Vader and yourself being that you're typically referring to a slim-fitted two-button purple pinstripe Prada suit, whilst the boss is snuggling into a heavily armoured 120kg black durasteel mobile life-support suit. Wow! Talk about being two peas in a pod made entirely of incredibly fashionable suits, NPH!

Of course, it almost goes without saying that you've had plenty of experience actually being an evil mastermind yourself during your time as Dr. Horrible. Probably we would have preferred a little more building of giant doomsday devices and fractionally less singing and accidental murdering of the always delightful Felicia Day, but hey, to each his own. Who's to say whether musicals or destroying planets is truly more evil, right NPH? What? No, of COURSE it's musicals, have you even seen GLE-- never mind. Agree to disagree on that one, Neil Patrick Harris.

Finally, your recent work in The Smurfs showed the universe that you aren't above working for the occasional soul-destroying, mostly computer generated, toy merchandise-driven evil regime. Admittedly the Smurfs haven't attempted to murder any Jedi Knights yet, or take over the galaxy through a series of carefully orchestrated space, or "Star" wars, but you can tell just by looking into their murderous eyes that it's only a matter of time. Seriously, what are they hiding underneath those hats, Neil Patrick Harris? WHAT ARE THEY HIDING UNDER THE HATS?!

Plus, if it helps you feel at home, we even have a blue guy working for us! Okay, unfortunately he's somewhere in the Unknown Regions right now, BUT you can at least call Emperor Palpatine "Papa"! He loves it. Errr... you're not particularly lightning conductive are you, NPH? Oh, and PS Neil Patrick Harris, don't let anybody tell you that you weren't great in that movie. It was, as always, a NPH acting tour de Force!

So what do you need to do, NPH? It's simple. Retweet this letter. Share it with your friends and loved ones. Put it under your pillow at night and dream little Death Star dreams. Talk to your bigtime Hollywood movie friends about how we can make a fair and balanced new version of the Star Wars films starring you in the role you were born to play: all of them. Oh, and maybe put in a good word to Cobie Smulders for us. Do you think she's into evil totalitarian regimes that build 160km in diameter monolithic death cannons? And for Force sake, tell Ted to get his act together and get to the bit about actually meeting the mother, dammit.

In return, we'll pay you $20 million Galactic Credits (Currency may not be a form of legal tender in your galaxy), you'll bask in the glory and adoration of being the galaxy's most popular celebrity spokesperson, feel the  glow of self-satisfaction and inner peace that comes from helping an evil Empire in need,. and we'll save a spot on the Death Star for when we finally get around to destroying your planet.

Help us, NPH. You're our only Neil Patrick Hope.

Yours hopefully,
The Death Star PR Team.

PS. We made you this poster as a token of our appreciation. Feel free to put it up in your room or have it turned into a giant back tattoo, whichever is easiest.

Why not read some of our other patented open letters to TIME Magazine, Google, beloved Academy Award winning Hollywood Actress Natalie Portman and the Pentagon?

The Sith Who Stole Christmas

It's that time of year again.

Now that Thankskilling is behind us, we've begun decking the Death Star halls with bowels of Ewoks (Fa la la la la, la la la la) in preparation for everybody's favourite holiday: Sithmas. It's that magical time of year where we come together to celebrate the Sith Lords who have sacrificed so much (arms, legs, recognisably human faces) just so they can rule us with the iron fist of benevolence.

There are only two inevitabilities at Sithmas time:
1) Sithmas decorations go up fractionally earlier each time every year, until one day, it will come to pass that they never even go down anymore. Of course, this is exactly what we've been planning from the beginning because once people realise that Christmas never ends, they will go insane from festive cheer and kill one another.
2) Your TV will be flooded by Sithmas specials.

Today's most excellent Sithmas special, entitled "The Sith Who Stole Christmas" is by the extremely talented OneMinuteGalactica. As loyal Sithizen Alan Parsons said in his email to the PR team, "This is a video wherein the editor splices documentary footage of our Dark Lord Vader with a common Earth Christmas carol entitled You're A Mean One, Mister Grinch, from a Terran propaganda film called How The Grinch Stole Christmas." Enjoy, Sithizens!

Brush up on Darth Vader and the PR Team's 12 Days of Sithmas, or read about the Night Before Sithmas.

10 Rules We Can Learn About Dating From Star Wars

Star Wars can teach us valuable life lessons on just about all facets of human existence. But what lessons can we learn about dating from the holy texts? Let's find out as the Death Star PR team tell you the 10 Rules We Can Learn About Dating from Star Wars.




10. Lavish her with gifts and attention

 
You have to give it to the Ewoks. They may be feral teddy bears with a taste for human flesh but they still do one thing right: gifts! Princesses come around once in a blue that's no moon, so if you get a shot at one, you take it. So share your local delicacies with her, braid her hair, and above all, be sure to make her the guest at a feast in honour of your shiny new God. Maybe don't offer her boyfriend and brother as the main course, though. Eh. Your call.

9. Use smooth pick-up lines

Fact: everybody likes a good pick-up line. Scientific fact: an ultra-smooth opener can take you rocketing past outright disdain and revulsion to torrid lovemaking session in a matter of seconds. Now, admittedly we can't all be as smooth as the Chosen One, Anakin Skywalker, but here are some of his classics to inspire you in your quest for love, annotated with Padme's thoughts for your benefit:

"I don't like sand [Where is he going with this?]. It's coarse [True] and rough [Also true] and irritating [Nailed it again!] and it gets everywhere [Wow, this guy's life observations are spot on, he really sees into the inner workings of the universe and possibly my very soul]. Not like here [What's that? I'm still thinking about your incredibly accurate sand observatio--]. Here everything is soft and smooth [Oh snap! I see what you did there! Kudos, sir]."

"The thought of not being with you - I can't breathe [Maybe it's asthma, or... ?]. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me [Blaming me for the way you feel right now makes me feel like you're truly ready for the trials and tribulations of a mature relationship]. My heart is beating [Phew! That's a relief]... hoping that kiss will not become a scar [Your use of highly overwrought mixed metaphors is incredibly confusing... confusingly SEXY, that is]. You are in my very soul, tormenting me [You've probably got a point about the whole soul tormenting thing, I AM pretty sexy in my insanely large headdresses, etc. Let's make out]."

"One day I will become the greatest Jedi EVER [Wow, for reals?! That sounds pretty great!]! I will even learn how to stop people from dying [Whoa. Seriously? Wow. Your outrageously grandiose yet simultaneously extremely petulant ramblings turn me on like nothing else]."

8. Choose a good Wingman

A wingman's job is simple: when you hit the nearest cantina in the hope of meeting strange and exotic people aliens things of the opposite sex, your Wingman's job is to make you look good, steer you clear of any danger and help you avoid being shot down in the process. Bottom line: you need someone who's got your back, not some douche in a mustache and a cape who's going to go behind it as soon as they can and take a swing at your Princess.

7. Probably don't keep your relationship a secret

The Star Wars prequel trilogy takes great pains to tell us one thing over and over again: computer generated imagery is WAY better and more exciting than humans. But one other thing the prequels show us is that keeping a relationship secret can tear you up inside, leading to jealousy, resentment, misunderstanding and the occasional regrettable Force choking.

6. Get a dog

If you're worried that you're just not roguishly handsome enough to get the girl under your own steam, fear not, you just need a love prop. A conversational MacGuffin, if you will. Something irresistibly cute that will disable the logical side of your target's brain, thereby preventing them from asking all the typical questions they'd normally ask upon seeing you, like, "Why is that guy staring at me like he's considering what it would be like to wear my skin to the mall?" Your Love Prop is guaranteed to tractor beam your unsuspecting victims unwitting prey future Mr./Mrs. right into your waiting arms. Note: you will need a dog. Or a kitten. Or, obviously, a Wookiee. You can get those over the internet these days, right?

5. Always do a thorough background test

You know what sucks? Finding out embarrassing details about your prospective partner's past, like they used to train toy poodles for dog shows, OR that they're your sister. And the really crappy part is, this almost always happens at the worst possible time, like AFTER you've hooked up with them. So learn from the Skywalker's mistakes: always do a thorough background test first.

Seriously, we cannot stress enough how important this one is. Do it. Do it now.

4. Treat 'em mean

"Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen." The Star Wars movies are VERY clear on this. Literally the best way you can find a partner in this mixed up, crazy galaxy of ours is to be a complete and utter jerk to the person you're madly in love with. Constantly call her names she hates, like "Princess", or "Little Champy". Act like you don't care if she kisses another guy who may or may not be her brother. Whatevs, brosefina! And when she FINALLY admits her feelings and tells you she loves you, MERCILESSLY CRUSH THE LAST REMNANTS OF HER SOUL AND SELF-CONFIDENCE WITH A TOTALLY DOUCHEY, "I know".

3. Pay attention to the warning signs

This one goes out to all the ladies. We know you love a bad boy and far be it from us to argue (did we mention that we blow up planets for a living?) but there usually comes a point in a relationship when the cons start outweighing the pros. Although it can be tough picking the warning signs, usually his eyes starting to glow yellow and/or an increase in the frequency of loving Force chokes are good indications that your relationship is about to take a turn for the worse. Get out. Now.

2. If you love someone, set them free

And by this, we mean very literally, under no circumstances should you slap a gold bikini on a girl and keep her chained to you at the neck. Even if she seems really nice and her hair smells pretty. Because whilst this will keep her around in the short term, she will only grow to resent you as you turn into a fat, immobile slug in front of the TV/Rancor Pit, and one day her friends will drop by and blow up your palace whilst she chokes you to death with her own Slave Girl chain™. Which, let's face it, isn't a GREAT Saturday.

1. Once you've got a girl, never, ever let her go

Because the Star Wars documentaries make one thing exceedingly clear, guys - there are literally five women in the entire universe. Two of them are Princesses who are WAY out of your league, one of them is your sister anyway, and the other three are probably some sort of weird alien singer named Sy Snoodles who looks disturbingly like Lindsay Lohan. Bottom line, dudes: for Force sake, hang on to her.

Great Dads

Good dads give their daughter's cocky new boyfriend a stern talk.

GREAT dads have him turned into a Carbonite coffee table.

 

 

Read our letter to TIME Magazine explaining why Darth Vader is the best dad ever.

Stormtroopers Wanted: Apply Within

Sydney Stormtroopers, the Galactic Empire needs YOU!

We're currently hard at work preparing to film "Death Star PR" the webseries, to be beamed to your Earth interwebz in January 2012, and need 4 - 5 Stormtroopers for a pivotal scene in the final episode.

If you're a Stormtrooper based in Sydney, Australia, have the full armour and blaster, and would like to appear in the greatest webseries set on in the PR office of a giant laser of all time, we need your help.

Details:

• Date: Sunday 13th November
• Time: after 1pm (TBC)
• Location: Chatswood

Unfortunately, due to all of the money we've been spending on building Death Stars, we can't offer you payment or organise your transportation. You will, however, receive a huge personal thank you from the PR team, as well as in the credits. The first and most devoted Stormtroopers will receive priority.

To sign up with the Death Star PR team, and for any other queries, please email us:

DeathStarPR@gmail.com