Death Star PR

Star Wars A Neil Patrick Hope: An Open Letter to Neil Patrick Harris

2011-11-30T03:02:00.001-08:00

Dear Neil Patrick Harris,

We're just going to come straight out and say it. We like you. Just enough for you to be flattered by the fact that we think you're cool and maybe want to grab dinner and a movie with us sometime, so we have things to talk but only for a finite period of time in case it doesn't go well, but not enough to be creepy. Okay, no. You know what? We could never lie to you, NPH. You deserve better than that. We like you like Jabba the Hutt loves slave girls and dropping people in Rancor pits, which is to say, a lot, probably. We're never sure what he's talking about. Not like you, NPH. You're so ridiculously talented, what with your singing and acting and dancing and what not, you probably speak Huttese and a minimum of 47 other alien languages. We love that about you.

Of course, we appreciate that you're so much more than just a living compendium of knowledge on alien languages. You're also a consummate entertainer and a master magician (without even using the Force, too! Wow. Your versatility continually blows us away, NPH!) and probably the universe's second best dad, right after Darth Vader.

"Get to the point, evil PR Team!" we imagine we hear you say. Fair point, Neil. That's another thing we love about you in our imaginary conversations. You always cut to the very heart of the matter, like a conversation doctor with a fetish for cardiothoracic surgery. "That's no nonsense Neil for you." That's what we always say for the first time just now. Anyway, the point being:

We need a star for the Death Star. A celebrity spokesperson to help spread Death Star PR, and the Galactic Empire's, message of love, peace, tolerance, and blowing up other people's planets if they don't agree with us. And we want it to be you. Join us and together we can rule the galaxy as PR Team and Son.

"But why should I help the Galactic Empire?" we imagine we hear you ask. Great imaginary question, NPH. You're like the Olympic Gold Medallist of Astute Imaginary Question Asking, except better, because you'd never make a huge deal about being such an amazing imaginary question asker. No sir. That's not the Neil Patrick Harris way. If we know Neil Patrick Harris, which we don't, he isn't about boasting, he's about fashionable scarfs and hosting the CRAP out of awards ceremonies.

To answer your question that you didn't ask, there are a whole bunch of reasons why you should, nay, MUST help us, NPH. You are going to be absolutely flabbergasted by how much you have in common with an evil galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime. Flabbergasted!

Firstly, you were a boy genius doctor, which can only mean one thing: you must have an incredibly high Midi-chlorian count, just like Darth Vader. Except instead of using your amazing Force powers to win the Boonta Eve Classic pod race (which you undoubtedly could have done, be tee dubs - we believe in you, NPH!), you chose to use your godlike powers to help the sick and slowly type pithy moral codas in to your computerised diary. And if you think about it, aren't they the same thing, really?

Secondly, you and Darth Vader both love to use the catchphrase, "SUIT UP!" Did you know that, NPH? You probably did, on account of you being a precocious child genius and Hollywood megastar. The only slight difference between Vader and yourself being that you're typically referring to a slim-fitted two-button purple pinstripe Prada suit, whilst the boss is snuggling into a heavily armoured 120kg black durasteel mobile life-support suit. Wow! Talk about being two peas in a pod made entirely of incredibly fashionable suits, NPH!

Of course, it almost goes without saying that you've had plenty of experience actually being an evil mastermind yourself during your time as Dr. Horrible. Probably we would have preferred a little more building of giant doomsday devices and fractionally less singing and accidental murdering of the always delightful Felicia Day, but hey, to each his own. Who's to say whether musicals or destroying planets is truly more evil, right NPH? What? No, of COURSE it's musicals, have you even seen GLE-- never mind. Agree to disagree on that one, Neil Patrick Harris.

Finally, your recent work in The Smurfs showed the universe that you aren't above working for the occasional soul-destroying, mostly computer generated, toy merchandise-driven evil regime. Admittedly the Smurfs haven't attempted to murder any Jedi Knights yet, or take over the galaxy through a series of carefully orchestrated space, or "Star" wars, but you can tell just by looking into their murderous eyes that it's only a matter of time. Seriously, what are they hiding underneath those hats, Neil Patrick Harris? WHAT ARE THEY HIDING UNDER THE HATS?!

Plus, if it helps you feel at home, we even have a blue guy working for us! Okay, unfortunately he's somewhere in the Unknown Regions right now, BUT you can at least call Emperor Palpatine "Papa"! He loves it. Errr... you're not particularly lightning conductive are you, NPH? Oh, and PS Neil Patrick Harris, don't let anybody tell you that you weren't great in that movie. It was, as always, a NPH acting tour de Force!

So what do you need to do, NPH? It's simple. Retweet this letter. Share it with your friends and loved ones. Put it under your pillow at night and dream little Death Star dreams. Talk to your bigtime Hollywood movie friends about how we can make a fair and balanced new version of the Star Wars films starring you in the role you were born to play: all of them. Oh, and maybe put in a good word to Cobie Smulders for us. Do you think she's into evil totalitarian regimes that build 160km in diameter monolithic death cannons? And for Force sake, tell Ted to get his act together and get to the bit about actually meeting the mother, dammit.

In return, we'll pay you $20 million Galactic Credits (Currency may not be a form of legal tender in your galaxy), you'll bask in the glory and adoration of being the galaxy's most popular celebrity spokesperson, feel the glow of self-satisfaction and inner peace that comes from helping an evil Empire in need,. and we'll save a spot on the Death Star for when we finally get around to destroying your planet.

Help us, NPH. You're our only Neil Patrick Hope.

Yours hopefully,
The Death Star PR Team.

PS. We made you this poster as a token of our appreciation. Feel free to put it up in your room or have it turned into a giant back tattoo, whichever is easiest.

Why not read some of our other patented open letters to TIME Magazine, Google, beloved Academy Award winning Hollywood Actress Natalie Portman and the Pentagon?

The Sith Who Stole Christmas

2011-11-29T03:42:00.001-08:00

It's that time of year again.

Now that Thankskilling is behind us, we've begun decking the Death Star halls with bowels of Ewoks (Fa la la la la, la la la la) in preparation for everybody's favourite holiday: Sithmas. It's that magical time of year where we come together to celebrate the Sith Lords who have sacrificed so much (arms, legs, recognisably human faces) just so they can rule us with the iron fist of benevolence.

There are only two inevitabilities at Sithmas time:
1) Sithmas decorations go up fractionally earlier each time every year, until one day, it will come to pass that they never even go down anymore. Of course, this is exactly what we've been planning from the beginning because once people realise that Christmas never ends, they will go insane from festive cheer and kill one another.
2) Your TV will be flooded by Sithmas specials.

Today's most excellent Sithmas special, entitled "The Sith Who Stole Christmas" is by the extremely talented OneMinuteGalactica. As loyal Sithizen Alan Parsons said in his email to the PR team, "This is a video wherein the editor splices documentary footage of our Dark Lord Vader with a common Earth Christmas carol entitled You're A Mean One, Mister Grinch, from a Terran propaganda film called How The Grinch Stole Christmas." Enjoy, Sithizens!

Brush up on Darth Vader and the PR Team's 12 Days of Sithmas, or read about the Night Before Sithmas.

10 Rules We Can Learn About Dating From Star Wars

2011-11-18T02:52:00.001-08:00

Star Wars can teach us valuable life lessons on just about all facets of human existence. But what lessons can we learn about dating from the holy texts? Let's find out as the Death Star PR team tell you the 10 Rules We Can Learn About Dating from Star Wars.

10. Lavish her with gifts and attention

You have to give it to the Ewoks. They may be feral teddy bears with a taste for human flesh but they still do one thing right: gifts! Princesses come around once in a blue that's no moon, so if you get a shot at one, you take it. So share your local delicacies with her, braid her hair, and above all, be sure to make her the guest at a feast in honour of your shiny new God. Maybe don't offer her boyfriend and brother as the main course, though. Eh. Your call.

9. Use smooth pick-up lines

Fact: everybody likes a good pick-up line. Scientific fact: an ultra-smooth opener can take you rocketing past outright disdain and revulsion to torrid lovemaking session in a matter of seconds. Now, admittedly we can't all be as smooth as the Chosen One, Anakin Skywalker, but here are some of his classics to inspire you in your quest for love, annotated with Padme's thoughts for your benefit:

"I don't like sand [Where is he going with this?]. It's coarse [True] and rough [Also true] and irritating [Nailed it again!] and it gets everywhere [Wow, this guy's life observations are spot on, he really sees into the inner workings of the universe and possibly my very soul]. Not like here [What's that? I'm still thinking about your incredibly accurate sand observatio--]. Here everything is soft and smooth [Oh snap! I see what you did there! Kudos, sir]."

"The thought of not being with you - I can't breathe [Maybe it's asthma, or... ?]. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me [Blaming me for the way you feel right now makes me feel like you're truly ready for the trials and tribulations of a mature relationship]. My heart is beating [Phew! That's a relief]... hoping that kiss will not become a scar [Your use of highly overwrought mixed metaphors is incredibly confusing... confusingly SEXY, that is]. You are in my very soul, tormenting me [You've probably got a point about the whole soul tormenting thing, I AM pretty sexy in my insanely large headdresses, etc. Let's make out]."

"One day I will become the greatest Jedi EVER [Wow, for reals?! That sounds pretty great!]! I will even learn how to stop people from dying [Whoa. Seriously? Wow. Your outrageously grandiose yet simultaneously extremely petulant ramblings turn me on like nothing else]."

8. Choose a good Wingman

A wingman's job is simple: when you hit the nearest cantina in the hope of meeting strange and exotic ~~people~~ ~~aliens~~ things of the opposite sex, your Wingman's job is to make you look good, steer you clear of any danger and help you avoid being shot down in the process. Bottom line: you need someone who's got your back, not some douche in a mustache and a cape who's going to go behind it as soon as they can and take a swing at your Princess.

7. Probably don't keep your relationship a secret

The Star Wars prequel trilogy takes great pains to tell us one thing over and over again: computer generated imagery is WAY better and more exciting than humans. But one other thing the prequels show us is that keeping a relationship secret can tear you up inside, leading to jealousy, resentment, misunderstanding and the occasional regrettable Force choking.

6. Get a dog

If you're worried that you're just not roguishly handsome enough to get the girl under your own steam, fear not, you just need a love prop. A conversational MacGuffin, if you will. Something irresistibly cute that will disable the logical side of your target's brain, thereby preventing them from asking all the typical questions they'd normally ask upon seeing you, like, "Why is that guy staring at me like he's considering what it would be like to wear my skin to the mall?" Your Love Prop is guaranteed to tractor beam your ~~unsuspecting victims~~ ~~unwitting prey~~ future Mr./Mrs. right into your waiting arms. Note: you will need a dog. Or a kitten. Or, obviously, a Wookiee. You can get those over the internet these days, right?

5. Always do a thorough background test

You know what sucks? Finding out embarrassing details about your prospective partner's past, like they used to train toy poodles for dog shows, OR that they're your sister. And the really crappy part is, this almost always happens at the worst possible time, like AFTER you've hooked up with them. So learn from the Skywalker's mistakes: always do a thorough background test first.

Seriously, we cannot stress enough how important this one is. Do it. Do it now.

4. Treat 'em mean

"Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen." The Star Wars movies are VERY clear on this. Literally the best way you can find a partner in this mixed up, crazy galaxy of ours is to be a complete and utter jerk to the person you're madly in love with. Constantly call her names she hates, like "Princess", or "Little Champy". Act like you don't care if she kisses another guy who may or may not be her brother. Whatevs, brosefina! And when she FINALLY admits her feelings and tells you she loves you, MERCILESSLY CRUSH THE LAST REMNANTS OF HER SOUL AND SELF-CONFIDENCE WITH A TOTALLY DOUCHEY, "I know".

3. Pay attention to the warning signs

This one goes out to all the ladies. We know you love a bad boy and far be it from us to argue (did we mention that we blow up planets for a living?) but there usually comes a point in a relationship when the cons start outweighing the pros. Although it can be tough picking the warning signs, usually his eyes starting to glow yellow and/or an increase in the frequency of loving Force chokes are good indications that your relationship is about to take a turn for the worse. Get out. Now.

2. If you love someone, set them free

And by this, we mean very literally, under no circumstances should you slap a gold bikini on a girl and keep her chained to you at the neck. Even if she seems really nice and her hair smells pretty. Because whilst this will keep her around in the short term, she will only grow to resent you as you turn into a fat, immobile slug in front of the TV/Rancor Pit, and one day her friends will drop by and blow up your palace whilst she chokes you to death with her own Slave Girl chain™. Which, let's face it, isn't a GREAT Saturday.

1. Once you've got a girl, never, ever let her go

Because the Star Wars documentaries make one thing exceedingly clear, guys - there are literally five women in the entire universe. Two of them are Princesses who are WAY out of your league, one of them is your sister anyway, and the other three are probably some sort of weird alien singer named Sy Snoodles who looks disturbingly like Lindsay Lohan. Bottom line, dudes: for Force sake, hang on to her.

Great Dads

2011-11-16T04:39:00.001-08:00

Good dads give their daughter's cocky new boyfriend a stern talk.

GREAT dads have him turned into a Carbonite coffee table.

Read our letter to TIME Magazine explaining why Darth Vader is the best dad ever.

Stormtroopers Wanted: Apply Within

2011-11-04T12:14:00.000-07:00

Sydney Stormtroopers, the Galactic Empire needs YOU!

We're currently hard at work preparing to film "Death Star PR" the webseries, to be beamed to your Earth interwebz in January 2012, and need 4 - 5 Stormtroopers for a pivotal scene in the final episode.

If you're a Stormtrooper based in Sydney, Australia, have the full armour and blaster, and would like to appear in the greatest webseries set on in the PR office of a giant laser of all time, we need your help.

Details:

Date: Sunday 13th November
Time: after 1pm (TBC)
Location: Chatswood

Unfortunately, due to all of the money we've been spending on building Death Stars, we can't offer you payment or organise your transportation. You will, however, receive a huge personal thank you from the PR team, as well as in the credits. The first and most devoted Stormtroopers will receive priority.

To sign up with the Death Star PR team, and for any other queries, please email us:

DeathStarPR@gmail.com

Is Luke Skywalker REALLY the 99%?

2011-10-26T12:58:00.000-07:00

As the "Occupy" movement sweeps the Galaxy, more and more people are coming forward to speak out against "corporate greed", "political corruption", "enslaving" people to make gigantic "Doomsday weapons" (we prefer "Liberty cannons that shoot freedom beams"), and the Empire "unfairly" blowing up people's planets. But who are these people really and where exactly do they come from?

The photo shown below, just released by the Rebellion's militant "Occupy, then blow up, the Death Star" faction, finally allows us to put a face and a name to the leadership behind the movement.

Skywalker, 19, an unemployed home schooled former apprentice moisture farmer, claims to have lived an "unglamorous" life working on his uncle's farm until his family were "unjustly murdered" and "the farm destroyed" by the "greedy, corrupt establishment."

Let's take a look at how accurate Luke Skywalker's claims REALLY are.

Let's start with the whole "steady" living thing. A "steady" living? Really? Luke's adopted parents OWNED A MOISTURE FARM, which means they create and sell the ONE resource on a desert planet that everyone needs. Owen and Beru Lars might have seemed like simple farmers eking out a difficult existence in harsh conditions, but the reality is they probably made a fortune gouging the natives of credits by hiking water prices whenever they feel like it. Remember how you used to pay $1.50 for a bottle of water but now it's $4 for no reason whatsoever? Blame Owen and Beru.

Now, we're not saying working on the land isn't difficult. Unless of course you had, say, some sort of automated mechanical equipment to help you speed up the process and do the really hard work for you. Maybe, like, some form of ROBOT SLAVE, PERHAPS?!

Luke used and abused countless droids, using RESTRAINING BOLTS to FORCE them do his dirty work for him and cater to his every whim. Life must be really hard when you can order a small army of robots to do your chores for you.

But Tatooine's a hot, dry planet. Surely it must still have been difficult for poor old Luke to live there, right? Nobody wants to live in a desert! Maybe not a NORMAL desert, but this one has pod races, home delivered Slave Girls on Sail Barges, and poor Wildlife Protection and Animal Cruelty monitoring, so you can bullseye all the Womp Rats you like.

Not to mention Luke had a FRIGGING CONVERTIBLE HOVER CAR to drive around in. How many poor people do YOU know that get around in one of those?

Also, did you know Luke's sister is a PRINCESS? A genuine, honest-to-Midichlorians Princess, who grew up in the Aldera Royal Palace with handmaidens and elocution lessons and probably tennis matches and iced mint julips.

What? This picture is totally relevant.

And while we're on the subject of Luke's connection to royalty, did you know his mum was a QUEEN? She dressed like this. It takes 86 attendants just to get that headdress on.

She drove this.

You know what this is? YOU call it a palace. SHE called it "Tuesday house".

Of course, we haven't even mentioned the fact that Luke was born with one in eight billion TOTALLY AWESOME MAGIC POWERS. How many of YOUR friends can levitate things with the power of their mind, make weak minded people believe whatever they want, or do sweet standing jumps with a quadruple forward somersault? NONE.

And even if you did, bet your ass that friend would have a viral hit on Youtube, a New York Times Bestselling Biography and a multimillion dollar TV deal inside of a week. It's not our oppressive totalitarian government's fault that Luke is incredibly dumb.

Oh, in case you weren't aware, having awesome magic Force powers also means Luke OWNS A FRIGGING LIGHTSABER. Seriously, who wouldn't sell their own mother into a life of indentured servitude just to own one of those bad boys? As if having your own laser sword isn't enough, Luke also has a BAD ASS CYBORG HAND, courtesy of his amazing dad. Read about the benefits here.

Finally, Luke was personally trained by, arguably, two of the greatest Jedi of all time. Have YOU ever paid for your kid's tutoring before? It costs a BUTTLOAD. NOW multiply that by about 40,000 because he's not just being tutored by some know-it-all college kid, Luke received one-on-one training with FIELD LEADING EXPERTS.

In conclusion, is Luke Skywalker REALLY the 99%? You've got to be Sithing us. He's about as 1% as it's possible to be. He couldn't be more 1% if he lived in a giant caviar-fuelled diamond monocle wearing robot made of gold named Perciville Ashbottom Hogsmythe III. We can only assume that the rest of the so-called 99% are in a similar position.

Thanks to @Rubinreport for the tip. Sometimes a favourite turns into a blog post.

To find out more completely valid reasons to hate Luke Skywalker, read our "10 Things We Hate About Luke" post.

Lost in Translation 1

2011-10-25T05:52:00.000-07:00

"You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile" is just Borg for "Free hugs! And I'm not taking 'No' for an answer, Mister!"

The Count Dooku

2011-10-25T05:14:00.000-07:00

"One... two... THREE dead Jedi! AH HA HA HA!"

~The Count Dooku, Sithame Street.

Memo: Darth Vader "Small Talk" Guidelines

2011-10-17T16:08:00.000-07:00

DEATH STAR INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM

TO:       ALL STAFF

FROM:     PR DEPARTMENT

SUBJECT:  DARTH VADER "SMALL TALK" GUIDELINES

DATE:     18 October

As we are all no doubt aware, there was a minor incident at Janice in Admin's birthday celebrations yesterday in which thirteen staff members received a severance package from Darth Vader. Namely, one or more of their appendages or assorted vital organs to take home in a cooler.

Whilst we could waste time conducting a "formal OH&S review", or assigning "blame", or even "checking the security footage", the reality is that we've all moved on now, apart from the people who died, and have all undoubtedly learned a valuable lesson about opening a dialogue with a Dark Lord of the Sith whilst he is making a beeline for the last slice of Pecan Butterscotch Cheesecake.

Therefore, in light of these and other recent staff "cutbacks", it has become necessary to re-issue this memo on acceptable and unacceptable phrases and topics of conversation with, and in the general vicinity of Darth Vader.

 If you have any great attachment to your limbs, please ensure you adhere to the following "Small Talk" Guidelines: 

Acceptable:

Having found the Droids we're looking for
The exact whereabouts of high-value Rebel leaders, such as known Jedi and dismemberment aficianado, Obi-Wan "Gentle Ben" Kenobi.
General toadying lackey comments, e.g. "Wow, your armour looks especially shiny today, Lord Vader!"

Unacceptable:

Asking Darth Vader to record a voicemail message or GPS commercial for you
How tough your day/week/life's been. The ex-slave, widower, quadriplegic, asthmatic, extremely severely burnt war veteran does not want to hear it
Inquiring about what the deal was with the whole "bring balance to the Force" thing
How great it was to catch up with friends for drinks on Friday, and how none of them at any stage attempted to cut off your limbs before throwing you into a river of molten lava
Relationship woes, particularly those involving wives or the accidental Force choking thereof
How nice your weekend with the family was
Any outdoor pursuit involving "breathing the fresh air" or "feeling the wind in your hair" or the "sun on your face"
Referring to anyone as "having the higher ground"
The high frequency of Force choke-related injuries in the office
Recent changes to iconic character-defining film film scenes

The following phrases should also be avoided at all costs:

"Ooooh, burn!"
"Hey, we've all got ten fingers and ten toes, right?"

Please note this list is not meant to be exhaustive. If you think of anything not covered here, feel free to file it immediately under the "Unacceptable" heading and move along. If you are still unsure about whether to broach a subject with Darth Vader, simply ask yourself, "Do I really want the extremely angry, murderous Dark magic-wielding cyborg to pay any kind of particular attention to me?"

Regards,

The Death Star PR Team.

AT-AT Dog is an AT-ST Man's Best Friend

2011-10-14T18:18:00.000-07:00

What is it that makes us human? Is it the ability to reason, to move beyond basic emotion into the realm of logic and pragmatism? Or is it our opposable thumbs, which allow us to manipulate tools and build amazing things, like skyscrapers and rocket ships? Perhaps it is simply that we can enslave less intelligent creatures to our will and force them to dress up in ridiculous costumes, whether they like it or not? Probably the latter.

Meet AT-AT Dog, aka. Bones Mello. If you can ignore the sadness in his eyes long enough to focus on the impressively detailed costume, you can almost imagine him crushing tiny humans underfoot or shooting lasers from his eyes. Probably at whoever put him in the costume in the first place.

You can follow Bones Mello, he has twice as many Facebook fans as we do. Not that we're bitter.

But what's an AT-AT Dog without a best friend? A heavily armoured, four legged death machine with a penchant for chewing bones and licking its own undercarriage, obviously. The point being, a dog in a ridiculous costume needs a man in a ridiculous costume, so that together they can go on nice walks and possibly suppress Rebellions and giant teddy bears hiding on ice planets and in forests respectively.

That's where Tom Judge comes in. He made the following AT-ST costume out of cardboard. It probably goes without saying that it's probably the greatest cardboard costume of all time.

You can also see it in action. It's so realistic you can almost hear the Ewoks screaming in terror:

AT-AT Dog via Mashable.
AT-ST Man via Geekologie.

GLaDiOS 5

2011-10-14T05:07:00.000-07:00

Instead of downloading iOS 5 like everybody else, why not try GLaDiOS 5?

All of the functionality, twice the homicidal passive-aggressive snarkery.

Occupy Alderaan

2011-10-14T04:56:00.000-07:00

The Galactic Empire is pleased to confirm that today's "Occupy Alderaan" protests ended swiftly and peacefully.

Sorry, "fully in pieces".

Terrible News: Emperor Palpatine Will NOT be running for President

2011-10-10T13:27:00.000-07:00

Until Sarah Palin's announcement that she wasn't running for President, we weren't aware that it's customary on your planet to announce when you WON'T be running for a position, rather than when you WILL. Quick to remedy the mistake, the PR Team can now pass on the terrible news: Emperor Palpatine will NOT be running for President of the United States.

He made the announcement in a letter to supporters on Monday night that was obtained by the PR Team, which is reproduced in full for you here.

October 11, 2011
The Death Star, Galactic Empire

After much consultation with the Dark Side of the Force and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, ruling a merciless Galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime in a Galaxy far, far away, as well as spending time playing Jenga with my apprentice, come first and obviously Darth Vader and I put great consideration into our public duties and our bromantic but completely heterosexual personal lives before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to the Dark Side, wiping out the families of those who oppose us and galaxy. My decision maintains this order.

My decision is based upon a review of what common sense Conservatives and Independents have accomplished, especially over the last year, such as continually blocking desperately needed tax hikes on the super wealthy, thereby ensuring people turn to the Dark Side in droves. I believe that at this time I can be more effective in manipulating the Dark Side of the Force to cloud the judgement of the weak minded in order to help elect other "true" public servants to office – from the nation’s governors to Congressional seats and the Presidency.

We need to continue to actively and aggressively help those who will stop the “fundamental transformation” of your nation into one in which all people are treated equally, because then we'd have to tax everyone equally, which is completely unfair on rich people, and even allow gay people to get married and shop in the same shoe stores as us. Instead, we must support those who seek the restoration of your greatness at the expense of others, your supposed goodness and your constitutional republic based on the rule of law. Because as we know, that worked out really well for the Galactic Senate.

From the bottom of my blackened, shrivelled heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, and encouraged me to run for President. Know that by working together you can bring America back – and as I’ve always said, one doesn’t need a title to help do it (though "Emperor" does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?). You just need an army of Clones, half-crazed magical cyborg right hand man and a moon-sized space station with a planet-destroying superlaser. (Read about building a Death Star for America here.)

I will continue driving the discussion for the dismantling of your freedom and the manipulation of free markets to suit the wealthy, including in the race for President where our candidates must embrace immediate action toward energy independence through domestic resource developments of conventional energy sources, along with renewables. We must reduce tax burdens (because it's hilarious watching poor people suffer) and onerous regulations that prevent you from killing inefficient co-workers in American industry, and our candidates must always push to minimize government to strengthen the economy and allow the private sector to create jobs. This is so as to ensure that when your economy is completely broken, I can take over your country, and then your world, with a minimum of resistance.

Those will be our priorities so Americans can be confident that a smaller, smarter government (of one, run entirely and ruthlessly by me) that is truly oppressing the people, by the cloned and cyborg people, and for the incredibly rich, evil people can better serve this most exceptional ~~man~~ me nation.

In the coming weeks I will use my evil magical powers to help coordinate strategies to assist in replacing the President, re-taking the Senate with the help of an incredibly convoluted plan involving space taxation, ineffective planetary blockades and Jar Jar Binks for some reason, and maintaining the House. Because that is a great show and it's funny how he's always a dick to everyone. I can respect that.

Thank you again for all your support. Let’s unite to restore this country to what I think it should be!

Force bless America. Sorry, I meant to say, "With me as your Emperor, America will be completely Forced".

– Emperor Palpatine

Still not convinced?

Read about why the Dark Side is just plain better.
Here are 10 Reasons Why You Should Work for the Galactic Empire.
Take the time to get to know Palpatine better with our exclusive interview with Twitter's @LordPalpatine.

You Don't Know the POWER of Darth Vader's Ad Libbing Skills

2011-10-07T17:52:00.000-07:00

We all know Darth Vader killed all of the Jedi, because they were evil and totally deserved it. What you may not know is that Darth Vader also kills it in the recording studio with his Force-powered ad libbing skills.

(Of course, it goes without saying that he kills it as a DJ too - built in cyborg auto-tune FTW!)

WINNER: Boba Facts Competition

2011-10-06T16:58:00.000-07:00

This competition proved that if there's one thing people love it's Boba Fett. And that if there's a second thing people love it's winning a Star Wars Original Trilogy Collection Boba Fett 12" Action Figure from the exceedingly generous folks at Crave, the social marketplace for fans of anything collectible.

There were many outstanding "Boba Facts". Thanks to all who entered and told us things about Boba Fett we didn't know. As well those who told us some things about Boba Fett we didn't want to know.

Honourable Mentions and Winner after the jump.

Eric Geller said...

The only bounty that Boba Fett ever failed to collect was on himself.

elderwin said...

Boba Fett didn't enter this competition, because Boba Fett has no competition.

Spencer Jones said...

Boba Fett doesn't make the Kessel Run. He makes the Kessel run away.

talon84 said...

Underneath Fett's Helmet is another blaster.

Jeremy Schultz said...

Boba Fett wasn't inserted into Episode IV Special Edition. Episode IV Special Edition was inserted around him.

Dantric said...

Bobba Fett's milkshake brings all the Twi'lek's to the yard.

ceolaf said...

Everyone loves Boba Fett, and he always knew.

Jared said...

There is a reason it's called a 'fett'ish.

Cutestkidsmom said...

The Second Death Star exploded after unconfirmed rumors that Boba Fett had been eaten by the Sarlacc..... Even it did not want to live in a universe where Boba Fett was dead.

Dubh said...

Boba Fett's so cool Han solo was actually frozen by proximity.

jb412 said...

Luke Skywalker wasn't yelling 'NOOOOO' about Vader's revelation, he was just remembering something intimidating he heard about Boba Fett.

Jeremy said...

After Boba Fett flew out of the Sarlacc, he didn't even call her the next day.

Brad said...

Boba Fett's favorite movie is The Notebook. Did you just laugh at that? Of course you didn't. You're still alive.

djc said...

It was once said that Boba Fett was a minor character in Star Wars. That was also the last time it was said.

Jen said...

Anakin Skywalker screamed "Nooooooooooo" and needed cyborg enhancements after falling into lava. Boba Fett uses that same lava in his hot tub.

Brian said...
Boba Fett's Sacros K-11 pistol has 3 settings: stun, disintegrate, and inspire. He's only used “inspire” once. On Jesus.

Katie Jean said...

“Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Awesomeness leads to Boba Fett.”- Yoda’s (original) quote.

Extra Special Honourable Mentions:

Ben W. said...

Boba Fett doesn't actually hunt bounties. People just hand him money anytime someone else dies.

Ralin Voth said...

"Boba Fett" translates as, "I am so screwed" in 2,357 languages.

But there can only be one winner. And that winner is...

UselessTriviaMan said...
Boba Fett doesn't have a midichlorian count. The midichlorians know better.

Boba Fett doesn't have a bad feeling about this. This has a bad feeling about Boba Fett.

Useless Trivia Man, please contact us via email at DeathStarPR@gmail.com to arrange the delivery of your bounty... Hunter from Crave.

The Force is Strong With These Star Wars Toy Photos

2011-10-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

The Force is strong with these incredible Star Wars toy photos by Finnish artist and (new official Imperial) photographer Vesa Lehtimäki, better known as Avanaut. Prepare to have your mind Alderaaned...

More after the jump...

Via Geektyrant.

This Floppy Drive Knows the POWER of the Dark Side

2011-09-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

The Imperial March, played on two Floppy Drives.
In a word: Impressive. MOST impressive.

Thanks to the many Sithizens who directed us to it.

An Open Letter to The Pentagon Re: The Death Star

2011-09-28T16:52:00.000-07:00

Dear The Pentagon,

In the September-October issue of your in-house acquisition magazine, Defense AT&L, in an article entitled "Don't Come to the Dark Side: Acquisition Lessons From A Galaxy Far, Far Away", Air Force Lt. Col. Dan Ward took the time to explain why building Death Stars is a "bad idea".

You know what else is a bad idea, Lt. Dan? Having the same name as that guy with no legs from Forrest Gump. And getting the people who own the largest laser in the universe angry at you. Prepare to witness the firepower of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL letter of rebuttal.

In your introductory paragraph you said that, "any enormous project that is brain-meltingly complex, ravenously consumes resources, and aims to deliver an Undefeatable Ultimate Weapon is [...] not a good thing." Isn't it, The Pentathlon? Isn't it? What's so complex about a 160km-across superlaser powered by a gigantic hypermatter reactor and equipped with 123 hyperdrive field generators tied into a navigational field matrix? Maybe we should have just built a giant outerspace slingshot instead. Would that have been simple enough for you, the Pentathlon? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a forked stick and rubber band that big? No, of course you don't. What a ridiculous suggestion.

And yes, you're right, the Death Star does ravenously consume resources. But only the resources of incredibly evil planets where they weren't really doing anything good with them anyway. It's an absolute TRAVESTY how many planets are out there just floating in space, totally utopian and idyllic and untouched by the hand of progress/strip mining and deforestation. You know what? Not on our watch. We say progress for EVERYBODY! Because we care. Not like you. How many countries have YOU "helped"/ruthlessly invaded in order to steal their natural resources for yourselves. Hardly ANY. Amateur.

Next you brought up the Death Star's "operational shortcomings" and, surprise, surprise, the whole "critical vulnerability" in our unprotected exhaust port. Well excuuuuse us, Mr. Perfectagon. Does it offend your precious sensibilities that we have one teensy little flaw? Maybe if you bothered to look a little closer, you'd see that we've got a lot of great things going on too, like our cantina's famous Penne Arrabiata. Didn't Mrs. Perfectagon ever teach you not to judge a monolithic death laser by its ominous gunmetal grey cover? It sure sounds to us like SOMEBODY had a pretty tough time as a baby Pentagon. You probably didn't even get to do fun stuff like play video games or eat chocolate because you're a building and don't have hands, or taste buds.

Anyway, like YOU'RE so amazing. We took a look at some of YOUR operational shortcomings, Mr. Perfectagon. We even made it into a LIST to make it really simple for you. You:

Are made of bricks. Nice impenetrable defensive system!
Don't have any shield generators on nearby forest moons.
Can't reach lightspeed.
Can't even FLY AT ALL. LAME.
House no planet destroying superlasers, or even a single turbolaser battery.
Can't disguise yourself as a small moon.

Checkmate, the Pentagram. Death Star 1 Pentameter 0. Except you didn't even know you were playing the game, which makes it DOUBLE SPACE CHECKMATE. Death Star 4 Pentacle -7.

You go on to mention that the Death Star only fired its main weapon once as if that's some kind of a bad thing. Do you know what that means, The Octagon? It means the Death Star has hit absolutely everything it's fired at. That's a 100% accuracy rate, my feckless five-sided friend. That's better than any weapon YOU'VE ever invented, planet destroying or otherwise. In fact, that probably makes it the greatest weapon ever created in the history of everything. Ever. Not to mention the fact that a VAST majority of other evil supergenius' doomsday weapons never even get to fire at all, which makes us WAY ahead of the curve.

Then there's the whole suggesting that Darth Vader is a "bad" project manager because he's "evil" and a "murderous tyrant who demanded obedience". Wow, The Pentathlete. Really? Darth Vader isn't "evil", he's a Sith Lord. It's part of his RELIGIOUS BELIEFS to Force choke the occasional a-hole. Haven't you ever heard of freedom of religion? Probably not because you're a BUILDING. Also, you can't be a "murderer" if the murderees really deserved it. It's called Self-Defence From Extreme Stupidity and Incompetence. It's a complex legal thing that you probably wouldn't understand.

Finally, the Pentagon, we take issue with your suggestion that Astromech droids like R2-D2 are a "better" investment than the Death Star because building a moon-sized death laser is "unaffordable" and "impractical". Really? If Death Stars are SO unaffordable, then how come we built TWO? And the second one was EVEN BIGGER AND COOLER AND TOTALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE BECAUSE IT HAS A SHIELD NOW. BOOM! We just Alderaaned your mind, didn't we, the Pentahlon?

Did you even see R2-D2 in that swamp on Dagobah? He was as useless as pants on a Wookiee. And Artoo might have somehow lucked his way through many Star Wars, but did you ever stop to notice how many other Astromech droids get totally blown to pieces in every second scene? BANTHALOADS.

Are you trying to tell us that, given the choice, you'd REALLY rather have a few R2-D2's than your very own Death Star hovering up in the night sky, ready to shine the Green Light of Justice and Freedom/Planetary Destruction down on your enemies?

We didn't think so, the Pentagon, we didn't think so.

Yours Sithcerely,

The Galactic Empire.

Source: Wired.com.

The Death Star PR Webseries Needs YOU!

2011-09-26T08:01:00.000-07:00

Loyal Sithizens, the Death Star PR team needs your help.

We have just FIVE days left in our "Death Star PR" webseries fundraising campaign. It's highly unlikely that we'll reach our target, but every donation, whether it be $2 or $200, will make a huge difference to the quality of the product you'll see on the web in November.

There are perks for each level of contribution, including personalised thank you letters, signed copies of the script, production stills and copies of the entire season on DVD, to name but a few.

So please, if you're a fan of the DSPR team, or Star Wars, or even just a fan of not having your planet destroyed by a vengeful laser death moon, contribute today. And make sure and tell all of your friends to do the same.

Get on the good side of the Dark Side by contributing here.

It's Not Just Palpatine Who Got the Shaft

2011-09-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

As the galaxy's most famous war hero, it's no surprise that everyone thinks they know Darth Vader. But you don't. He's not your super fun cyborg boss and bestest friend EVER, like he is ours. (Boss, if you're reading this, we had a hilariously great time playing "Hide and Seek" around the office yesterday, particularly the bit where we cowered in fear under our desks until you went away. Good times!)

But the truth is Galaxy, you don't know the real Darth Vader. For instance, did you know that:

1. He writes a LOT of love poetry about Padmé. And cries when he reads it. Which is often.
2. He's terrible with new technology. Every time he gets an armour upgrade it takes him months to learn which button on his chestplate switches the VCR on.
3. The only thing the boss loves more than horrible love poetry is screaming, "NNNNNOOOOOO!!!" and throwing things down reactor shafts. But not just Emperors. All sorts of things:

Via Topless Robot.

We'd Never Use the Force For Good...

2011-09-17T02:48:00.000-07:00

Here in the Galactic Empire, we'd never use the Force for good, but that doesn't mean you can't.

Lucasfilm and Stand Up To Cancer have joined Forces to "blast Cancer" once and for all in their "Use the Force For Good" campaign.

To help raise awareness for the campaign, SU2C's huge roster of celebrity ambassadors, including Samuel L. Jackson, comedians Zach Galifianakis, Ed Helms, Seth Rogen, Ken Jeong, Andy Samberg and the delightful Emma Stone, have made a Star Wars tribute video:

Now, we don't know about being good (actually, we do - you feel all nice and mushy and non-hatey inside, it's disgusting), but we DO love and strongly encourage the blasting of things.

So to help "blast Cancer", make a donation to SU2C and/or purchase a SU2C/Star Wars t-shirt.

Of course, if you'd like to learn more about the Dark Side, you're welcome to read "10 Reasons Why the Dark Side is Just Plain Better"?

Now You Can Finally Get Those Power Converters From Tosche Station

2011-09-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

Earth astronomers have made what could be the most important scientific breakthrough in the history of everything on your planet: they've proven that Star Wars is real.

NASA's Kepler space telescope has detected a planet, Kepler-16b, that orbits two suns. And the best news? It's a mere 200 light years from Earth! That's almost close enough to watch a venerable Jedi Master recklessly and unnecessarily endanger a small child's life in next month's Boonta Eve Classic pod race if you leave now! And have a spaceship with a functioning hyperdrive.

Video via Mashable.

Now you too can suffer from heat exhaustion as you wander the overly sunny streets of Mos Eisley looking for droids in full body armour, take a ride on Jabba's Sail Barge (no, not THAT kind of ride, you filthy degenerate. Okay, wait, apparently THAT kind of ride is available too, carry on), or just spend a weekend unwinding by killing a few tribes of Sand People.

Of course, the main reason why this discovery is so exciting is because it proves scientifically beyond any shadow of a doubt that ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING IN STAR WARS IS 100% FACTUAL.

Lightsabers, cocky space pirates, kleptomaniacal swamp-dwelling grammatically incorrect goblins, dashingly handsome cape-wearing Sith Lords and, of course, the Death Star.

"But just because one thing turned out to be real doesn't mean it's all real!" we hear you protest. Of COURSE it is. That's how SCIENCE works, fictional protestor. Don't you know anything? Maybe you should look it up some time in a book on SCIENCE.

Still not convinced? Then put a plastic drop cloth whatever you're sitting on and prepare to have your mind blown, because NASA also found the Death Star.

The "Death Star" galaxy is firing jets of lethal radiation and X-rays at its neighbouring galaxy from the massive black hole at its centre. Assumedly because the apparently "peaceful" neighbouring galaxy is harbouring known terrorists and really, really deserves to be bombarded with cosmic rays of death.

So it's all 100% real. ALL of it. Which means we'll see you next Tuesday. You're good for planetary destruction at around 4pm, right?

COMPETITION: Boba Fett Facts

2011-09-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

In an effort to get on the good side of the Dark Side, the folks at Crave, the social marketplace for fans of anything collectible, have given the PR Team an awesome Star Wars Original Trilogy Collection Boba Fett 12" Action Figure to give away to one of our lucky fans.

But because we're evil, we're going to make you work for it.

Tell us your best "Boba Fett Fact" in the style of "Chuck Norris Facts", e.g.

Boba Fett's jetpack doesn't run on fuel. It is fueled entirely by Boba Fett's own awesomeness.
Boba Fett didn't escape from the Sarlaac. The Sarlaac escaped from him.

Only entries left in the comments of this post will be considered. Limit of THREE "facts" per person. Entries will be judged by DSPR and Crave.

Originality is key - if you just replace Chuck's name with Boba Fett's on some recycled facts, you won't win. And you'll also probably also receive a jetpack-powered roundhouse kick for your troubles.

Entries close Wednesday 21st September 2011, 7am AEST.

In the meantime, make sure you check out Crave's Star Wars catalogue for some inspiration.

Live, Love, Laugh

2011-09-13T05:19:00.000-07:00

Live like you have clone bodies waiting.

Love like you've never been burned in lava.

Laugh like you've just taken over the galaxy.

A Personal Message From George Lucas to Star Wars Fans Everywhere

2011-09-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

George Lucas has been receiving a lot of negative press for the incredibly minor changes he's made to the Star Wars saga for the upcoming Blu-Ray release.

So much, in fact, that he's personally asked the PR Team to issue the following statement to all Star Wars fans on his behalf:

Dear Star Wars Fans,

It's come to my attention that a small number of you are unhappy with several of the amazing improvements I've made to Star Wars for the Blu-Ray release.

Your concerns are valid and special and incredibly unique, like an original cut of one of my movies on Blu-Ray. Rest assured that those concerns are important to me. This is because I only recently used a small amount of my tremendous personal wealth to build a machine that converts criticism of my movies and fanboy tears into thick, lustrous facial hair.

Let me say, though, that I firmly believe the changes I have made absolutely improve my films. I mean, I've even added dialogue to scenes where there wasn't any! Also, let's be honest, they are my films. I don't complain when you go to the shops and buy something that wasn't originally on your shopping list, do I? Because it's YOUR shopping list. And because I haven't personally been to the shops in 20 years. I have people for that.

Quite a few critics, such as the so-called "fans" at SaveStarWars.com have drawn attention to a speech I gave to Congress in 1988 in which I denounced the altering of films. In that speech, I said, "People who alter or destroy works of art and our cultural heritage for profit or as an exercise of power are barbarians."

What have I ever personally done to these Fan Solo's besides create the greatest film series of all time? Nothing. I've given them my all and they've thrown it back in my face. They've hurt my feelings. And they most definitely shot first.

Of course, these naysayers fail to understand that my speech in 1988 did not live up to my true vision for my speech to congress. Speech FX technology in 1988 was simply incapable of providing me with more than 25-30% of the ideal version of my speech. Subsequent re-releases and Special Editions have enhanced the speech so that the line should actually read:

"People who alter works of art for profit, or to put in some really cool and totally necessary special effects, like an extra three CGI Jawas here and there, are awesome. They are like powerful barbarians who exercise, like my personal friend Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie "Kindergarten Cop"." -George Lucas, Revenge of the Speech, 23rd Anniversary Special Edition.

It may interest you to know that my 1988 speech was not actually my first speech to Congress but the fourth. I can exclusively reveal to you now that the prequel speeches have entered pre-production and will begin shooting as soon as I find an incredibly annoying kid to deliver a young me's speech in Episode I.

Perhaps you're worried that there will be continuity errors between the original speech and the prequels. Fear not, friends. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. A wise man with a fantastic beard once wrote that (I'm talking about me. Sorry, I haven't been using enough badly acted expository dialogue).

Nobody loves Star Wars more than me. It is that love which drives me to constantly improve the original films. Because as the saying goes, if you love someone, you need to set them free. By changing them a lot.

I ask only that you give the Blu-Ray version a chance. By buying several copies of it. I am currently in the process of purchasing a small private island off the coast of Jamaica, which I intend to fill with memorabilia of my favourite character of all time, Jar Jar Binks. He's funny because he has big ears and speaks funny and steps in doodoo. Teehee! Doodoo! Once I have all of the money you will inevitably spend purchasing the Star Wars re-re-releases, "JarJarmaica" will become a reality.

In conclusion,

Yours special editionally,

George Lucas.

P.S. This letter is the original version of this letter. Rest assured that an extended special edition 3D version of this letter will be made available in 15 years.

The Ten Biggest Star Wars Blu-Ray Changes

2011-08-31T13:47:00.000-07:00

We all knew there were going to be some adjustments, or "embetterments", to the Star Wars films with their Blu-Ray release on September 16th. In his infinite wisdom the great creator, George Lucas, has constantly refined his original releases over the years in an effort to create the definitive version of the Star Wars universe. In his quest for perfection, Mr. Lucas will not stop until every character has been replaced with CGI, every line re-dubbed and every special effect re-rendered in jaw-dropping 5D.

io9 has revealed that one of the biggest changes in the Blu-Ray version is that Darth Vader will now scream, "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!" when he throws the Emperor down the shaft in Return of the Jedi.

The fact is, that's only the beginning. The Death Star PR team can now exclusively reveal the ten biggest Star Wars Blu-Ray embetterments:

LOADS more crazy crap in every scene!

Because everyone knows that the absolute BEST way to improve a movie isn't about the script, acting or directing, it's how much CRAZY CGI stuff you can totally unnecessarily cram into the background of Every. Single. Scene. of your films.

Chewbetter

In an effort to improve the realism of the original trilogy, Chewbacca will now be replaced with ChewbaccARGH - an actual, genetically engineered, giant carnivorous killer bear with crossbow paws and a taste for human flesh. Unrelated: Han Solo has a cyborg leg now! How COOL is that, maybe?!

Ewoks blink now.

Ewoks have always been scary. They may look cute from a distance but up close they have the cold, soulless, dead eyes of a homicidal sociopath who just stabbed somebody to death because they didn't stir the sugar into their coffee clockwise three times before drinking it. But now they blink. Oh, you don't think that's pants-wettingly terrifying, Mr. Big Man? Then just imagine sitting in a kid's room filled with teddy bears when all of a sudden you realise they're all blinking at you.
            Wait for it.
                             Wait for it.
                                 There you go.

R2-2D-M4X!

The true hero of both Star Wars trilogies, R2-D2, will receive some big time upgrades in the new old trilogy. The plucky astromech droid will now save the crew of the Millenium Falcon from certain death in Death Star Hangar Bay 327 by flying around shooting rockets at the Stormtroopers before transforming into a giant warrior robot with a flaming sword and a jive talkin' "edgy" African-American voice. (Image found here)

Catchphrases for EVERYONE!

In keeping with the addition of Vader's trademark "NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!" to the Emperor's death scene, all of the main characters will now have a catchphrase which they say incessantly. Luke will respond, "But I was going in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!" (Classic!) every time somebody asks him to do anything. Leia will now address everyone as a "Scruffy looking Nerf Herder" (ZING!), and Obi-Wan will constantly remind everyone that what he's saying is right, "From a certain point of view".

Anakin Begin Again

One of the bigger changes in Return of the Jedi's Special Edition was the change of Anakin Skywalker's Force ghost to Hayden Christensen. To really tie in the prequel and original trilogies, Hayden will also replace Sebastian Shaw in Darth Vader's unmasking scene. And, because YOU demanded it, Jake Lloyd will now play the role of Force ghost Anakin. He will smile cutely, wave and inexplicably shout, "Now THIS is pod racing!" before winking at the audience as we star wipe to black.

New, improved fight scenes

There's nothing quite as thrilling that audiences can totally emotionally invest in as watching completely computer generated characters fight, race, or make sweet blue alien love to, one another for extended periods of time. To that end, Darth Vader's lightsaber duels with Obi-Wan and Luke will now be entirely CGI and involve lots of crazy flips and shit because hey, it worked for Yoda, right?

Ultra-cool post-credits sequence!

You thought Return of the Jedi ended with Rebels smiling and Ewoks happily drumming on Stormtrooper helmets while they feast on Darth Vader's chargrilled corpse, didn't you? Oh, you. A new post-credits sequence shows the ghost of Emperor Palpatine laughing maniacally before flying up the reactor shaft towards the camera whilst shooting lightning from his hands. Did somebody say... TRIquels?!!

Newer, betterer actors

The original films were released a long, long time ago. So long ago that younger generations of viewers have absolutely no idea who, or what, a Carrie Fisher or a Mark Hamill is. In his infinite wisdom, the great creator has digitally altered the original trilogy so that the main characters are now played by the best, hippest, culturally relevant, totally actors of the modern era. Robert Pattinson as Luke Skywalker! Matthew McConaughey as Han Solo! Megan Fox as Princess Leia! And Will Smith as Lando Calrissian!

Han doesn't shoot at all

The famous Mos Eisley Cantina scene has been through quite a few revisions. In the original, Han Solo shot Greedo before the Rodian Bounty Hunter could shoot him, thus immediately and beautifully establishing Han as an anti-hero. In the Special Edition, Han shoots a fraction of a second after Greedo, thus immediately establishing Han as... a kind of anti-hero ... with great reflexes? In the Blu-Ray version, the scene reaches its inevitable conclusion: Han doesn't shoot at all. Rather, he delivers a devastatingly rakish smile and Greedo simply dies of a tragic, completely unconnected heart attack.

The 20 Most Famous Forcesquare Oustings

2011-08-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

Living a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, it can be hard to keep up with all of your friends' comings and goings. But it's nice to know that even when you're busy ruthlessly hunting down magical space monks, or controlling armadas of evil spaceships with the power of your mind, there's an easy way to stay connected.

Use the Forcesquare!

Forcesquare, the original location-based social networking site, allows users to "check-in" to popular locations all over the galaxy, earning points, achievement badges and even major bragging rights by becoming mayor of places like your local cantina or Galactic Senate.

Today, Forcesquare's front page features the 20 Most Famous Forcesquare Oustings. Click to enlarge:

What are you waiting for? Check-in with Forcesquare today! (Particularly if you're a Jedi)

Words/Concept: Robbie Boland. Mind-blowing Art: Scott Morton.

Planet Vader

2011-08-29T06:59:00.000-07:00

Normally we're in the business of destroying planets, so today's news presents us with something of a conflict of interest. Earth astronomers have discovered the darkest planet known, a planet made of midnight, cloaked in shadow, blacker even than the blackest of hearts.

The planet TrES-2b, a gas giant some 750 million light years away, is so dark that it reflects back less than 1% (0.01) of the light from its nearby star. As NPR's report states, "That means the planet is blacker than coal. Seen from space, TrES-2b would barely be visible."

As yet, there is no clear explanation as to what makes TrES-2b so dark, though it could be its close proximity to its star, or even, as co-discoverer David Kipping has speculated, due to the presence of a previously unknown chemical.

On Earth, at least. Poor, pathetic Earth scientists. You haven't even invented real lightsabers yet, it's no wonder you can't figure this one out. As usual, it falls to the benevolent Galactic Empire to explain things to you and help you understand how REAL science works.

You see, WE made "Planet Vader" (as it shall be known from now on). Right after Padmé died of totally natural causes, a young Darth Vader was not quite as happy to have been turned into a bachelor and a kick ass evil cyborg as one might expect. In fact, he was a bit depressed. Okay, he was a LOT depressed. The guy cried ALL the frigging time. He cried whenever he heard Celine Dion songs on the radio and wrote a lot of horrible, horrible poetry. Like, HEAPS. Poetry so bad it made Vogon poetry seem like Shakespearean sonnets.

So Emperor Palpatine found the planet responsible for relaying the Celine Dion songs, set the giant laser to 'Extra Crispy' and dedicated the "new" planet to his best bro.

Once Vader got after the post traumatic stress-induced night terrors of being taken to another molten hot planet, he was actually quite appreciative of the gesture.

Story via NPR. (Tip via Dr. Rubidium)

The PR Team is Expanding

2011-08-29T04:47:00.000-07:00

We're getting busier here in a Galaxy Far, Far Away. It seems that since Alderaan "mysteriously disappeared", the PR Team fields more and more inquiries by the day. This morning we had seven emails. SEVEN! Okay, four of them were from incredibly naive Nigerian princes whose money will shortly be put towards funding more Death Stars, but still, we've been swamped.

To that end, the Emperor has drastically increased our funding, thereby allowing us to massively expand the Death Star PR blog team by one. Who will work for free, like the rest of it. And enjoy it. (Hey, when your boss can shoot lightning out of his hands, that's a pretty good deal).

The old team:
Words and ideas - Robbie Boland.
Photoshopping wizardry and (im)moral support - Bec Boland.
Logo creator, Death Star PR comic strip maker and industrial designer - Kristian Aus. Follow him on Twitter and marvel at his design skills at autumnproducts.com.au/.

New addition:
Artiste extraordinaire - Scott Morton. Follow him on Twitter and gasp at his graphical prowess at www.scottwearspants.blogspot.com.

Below are some samples of Scott's art. Click for larger versions.

At least we're not as bad as Apple

2011-08-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

This might surprise you Sithizens, but the Galactic Empire has a bit of a bad reputation in some parts of the universe. Apparently some people think it's "evil" to oppress an entire galaxy for its own good, or have your Stormtroopers set fire to people's homes and/or the people themselves because they refused to obey the law and sell out their only child, even though he's adopted.

Well, if streamlining people's political choices or using unorthodox but effective methods to expedite police inquiries is wrong, then we don't want to be right. Next you'll be saying that Darth Vader didn't bring balance to the Force by lightsabering the Jedi in the back, or that building a moon-sized doomsday laser isn't the best way to make people feel safe and help them sleep at night.

Right. And we guess people want "equal rights" and "freedom" and "not to have their children forced into slavery to build apocalyptic death weapons"? Pshaw! We laugh maniacally in your general direction! Ahahaha! HAHA! MWAHAhahaHAHAHA!

Anyway, what were we saying? Stupid required by evil law monologues. Ah, yes. Apple. We've told you already that Steve Jobs is building the Galappletic iMpire. What we didn't know then is that he's already several steps ahead of us in evil stakes. You see, Jobs isn't content with blowing up a planet or two. Recently, Apple deleted an entire galaxy.

Here's proof:

The BASTARDS.

According to Tom's Guide, one of several new wallpapers in Mac OS 10.7 Lion features an extremely altered image of the Andromeda Galaxy, in which the M110 Galaxy is completely gone (original and Apple version above).

So next time you're thinking of accusing the Galactic Empire of being "evil", concentrate on fighting TRUE EVIL instead: take your iPhone and go and throw it at an Apple Store instead.

Thanks to Sith Lord Steve Higgins for the tip.

Fool Me Once

2011-08-21T04:04:00.000-07:00

Fool me once, shame on me.

Fool Darth Vader once, shame about your home planet.

10 Reasons Why the Dark Side is Just Plain Better

2011-08-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

Some people would have you believe that the Dark Side is "evil", just because you have to murder the occasional person or blow up a planet or two. But really, what's so good about being good? Here are ten reasons why turning to the Dark Side is just plain better.

10. Great Benefits

Forget stuffy suits and striped ties. On the Dark Side, you can wear a cape to work! You'll also get your choice of oversized helmet and form-fitting durasteel battle armour, all in a wide variety of flattering shades of black. Plus, as a Sith Apprentice you get to work one-on-one in a collaborative team-oriented environment with a highly experienced and enthusiastic industry expert. And when it comes to taking care of yourself, well, how many other jobs offer total cyborg limb replacement and full body cloning as part of their health benefits scheme?

9. Better theme music

Seriously, do you want the theme music of your life to sound like this:

Or this:

The first says, "I stare at binary sunsets whilst weeping over my family problems and/or the fact that I've never touched a girl's boobs and/or unspecified moisture farm-related problems." The second says, "I'm such a massive badass that I have severe asthma, no legs, arms, or private parts to speak of and I'm STILL the most feared person in the entire galaxy."

8. Choose your own name

Who wants to be called Albert, or Pauline, or even... *shudder* Luke? Once you turn to the Dark Side you can choose your own awesome fear-inspiringly-evil-yet-incredibly-literally-summing-up-your-modus-operandi evil name, e.g. Darth Ba'dazz, Darth Vill-I-An, or Darth Murd-r Err. See? COOL.

7. "Good is dumb"

Spaceballs' Dark Helmet summed it up best when he said, "Evil will always triumph because good is dumb." Good is dumb. Name one good guy who ever invented an amazing moon-sized doomsday weapon or who had the intellect and determination required to take over a galaxy. Or name one bad guy who accidentally made out with his sister. You can't. Still not convinced? In the time it took the entirety of the Jedi Council to not at all figure out that Palpatine was a Sith Lord, EVEN WHEN THEY WERE IN THE SAME ROOM, Palpatine orchestrated an entire series of star wars, created 60,000 clones, manipulated an entire galaxy into legally declaring him ruler, turned the most powerful Jedi ever into his apprentice, organised for the rest of the Jedi to be killed, built a Death Star and still had time to create reality TV and send it to Earth.

6. Make your own rules

Is it just us, or did the Jedi have rules for everything? "Don't fall in love." "Never be afraid of anything." "Don't kill people, even if they can't tell the difference between "your" and "you're"." "Don't feed Yoda after midnight." They were so busy making up rules that they forgot Rule Number #1: When you have a lightsaber and magic super powers, THERE ARE NO RULES (Except "Point Lightsaber away from body before activating". That's actually a pretty good one, particularly if you value your genitals/limbs.)

5. Live forever

We know what you're thinking: "But the bad guy always dies in some horrific way at the hands of the murderous orphaned magical prophecy child!" WRONG. Don't you know anything about MATHS, stupid hypothetical straw man? Check it:

Sith Lord deaths in Star Wars Episodes I - VI: 4

Jedi Knight deaths in Star Wars Episodes I - VI: 87, 641.

That means the odds of you dying once you become a Sith Lord are 27,910:1. And that's not even taking into account the assorted clones, robot bodies and malevolent floating ghost consciousnesses you'll have lined up on the off chance that you actually DO get dismembered or thrown down a reactor shaft (unlikely).

4. Force choke annoying co-workers

We don't really need to go into detail on this one, do we? Just think about it for a moment. Consider how much more enjoyable this would make your average work day. Best. Job Perk. EVER.

3. Make out with Natalie Portman

If we know one thing about science it's that ladies love a bad boy. Nobody wants to date a guy named Roger who shows up at your door with flowers wearing his best polo shirt and wants to take you out to a moderately priced Italian restaurant for dinner. Really, Roger? Really?! That's the most exciting thing you could come up with? Just give up, Roger. Nobody likes you anyway, certainly not beloved Hollywood Academy Award Winning Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman wants to go out with a brooding bad boy who dresses in black, rides a landspeeder, has cool scars, eyes that glow with hatred and a cyborg hand, who may or may not go mental dismembering Sand People if given half a chance. FACT.

2. Evil superior, good inferior

There's literally nothing good that's better than its evil version. Not one single thing. Does anybody ever want an apple for dessert when they could be having a triple-decker chocolate sundae? Is diet soft drink (shudder) ever better than the real deal? Would you ever date the good twin when you had the option of the sexily evil, moustached twin with a horrible foreign accent? Of course you wouldn't. Face it, every single one of us chooses evil over good every single day of our lives. Why? Because it's easier, tastier, more fun AND more exciting. Plus we have cookies.

1. You get to SHOOT LIGHTNING FROM YOUR HANDS

From. Your. Fucking. Hands.

If this list was relevant to your interests, you might also enjoy 10 Reasons Why You Should Work For the Galactic Empire.

The Dark Side of the Grid

2011-08-16T05:32:00.000-07:00

One thing we get asked all the time here in the PR Department is, "Why did you blow up my planet?" The answer is that there are complex geopolitical and socioeconomic considerations that-- LOOK, A WOOKIEE IN A BIKINI!

Another frequently asked question is, "What does Darth Vader do inside of that egg of his?" Firstly, it's not an egg, it's a hyperbaric medical and meditational chamber, duh. Get your facts straight before you ask a question next time, hypothetical question asker person we just made up. Secondly, the answer is important stuff. Really important... galaxy ruling and mystically mysterious Force-related... stuff.

As well as playing the occasional video game.

Here's artist Roderique Arisiaman's impression of Darth Vader's TRON avatar. When the Dark Lord of the Sith isn't helping rule our galaxy with a cyborg fist, he's turning the Grid to the Dark Side.

Via Robot Mutant.

Many Bothans Died to Bring You These Coins

2011-08-13T07:25:00.000-07:00

The small Pacific Island of Niue may only have 1,400 inhabitants, three computers and one McDonalds but it's already a step ahead of wherever you live. Why? Because Niue has made the forward-thinking decision to switch to from dollars to Imperial Credits ahead of the Death Star's arrival sometime in the near future.

The collector's edition silver coins will feature full coloured images of Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, the Death Star (obviously) and a Stormtrooper, amongst other... more dubious choices.

Citizens of Niue, you will be happy to know that your blatant attempt to toady up to the Galactic Empire has succeeded. In the event of the "unfortunate" destruction of the planet Earth, you will be spared and a place reserved for you on the Death Star.

Well, some of you will be.

Okay, really, we're just taking the coins. Darth Vader wants to add them to his "Things That Look Like Me" collection.

The Star Wars-themed coins are legal tender and have been coined by the New Zealand mint to appeal to Collectors. They have a limited mintage and will be sold in two sets of four coins, the Darth Vader Dark Side, or "cool", coins and the Millenium Falcon Light Side, or "totally lame", coins. Individual character coins are also available. Full details and pricing available at the NZ Mint site.

Thanks to Steve Dimitrio and Samoznai Maitaper via email for the tip.

"Death Star PR" the Webseries

2011-08-08T07:13:00.000-07:00

Ever wondered why Luke and Han got a medal for blowing up the Death Star, but when the Galactic Empire blew up Alderaan we were suddenly “evil”? Why is it that everyone knows all about the Rebel Alliance, but next to nothing about the unsung heroes of the other, slightly darker, side?

Isn't it about time that the hardworking, honest folk who call the Death Star home get to tell their side of the story? "Death Star PR" the webseries will do exactly that, giving you a glimpse into what life working in the Galactic Empire's PR Department is really like.

The PR Team's aim is to film a series of “Death Star PR” webisodes in September, to be released in November. Unfortunately, beaming them to your galaxy is expensive and the Empire has too much money tied up in building Death Stars to make it happen. We need your contribution to make the newest addition to the Star Wars saga a reality.

To make a donation, and/or see the full details of the Indiegogo fundraising campaign, click here.

Rest assured evil minions, there are a wide variety of perks on offer for your generosity... not least of which is the continued existence of your planet.

Oh, and make sure to share the campaign with your fellow Sithizens... or else.

Han Shot First

2011-08-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

What happens on Hoth in a tauntaun,

stays on Hoth in a tauntaun.

What Doesn't Kill You

2011-08-08T04:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes what doesn't kill you makes you limbless and face down in lava listening to another stupid lecture.

Is Steve Jobs Building the Galactic iMpire?

2011-08-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

It was announced this week that Apple now has more money than the US Government. As its financial woes continue, the US Treasury's cash balance fell below $US74 billion, dropping below Apple's cash store of $US76 billion. But what does this actually mean? The answer is clear: Steve Jobs is building the Galactic iMpire on Earth.

Death Star PR charts the rise and rise of iMperor Jobs.

Early days
Like most powerful wizards, Steve Jobs was orphaned at an early age. He was raised in California, a desert, by adoptive parents who never told him his true parents were actually still alive, or that he had a sister. He dropped out of college after only one semester in the early 1970's and began work for Atari, assumedly building annoying protocol droids from junk parts. He then travelled to India and became a Buddhist (Brown robes? Check. Impossible ethical standards? Check. Junk about being one with everything? Check.)

Rise to power
But how does a college drop out become ruler of a planet-wide evil Empire from such humble beginnings? We know that Jobs took his first step down the dark path when he cheated his partner, Steve Wozniak, out of $2150 in an early deal with Atari, before they founded Apple Computers together. Having had his first ~~bite of the Apple~~ taste of the Dark Side, Jobs began a Machiavellian rise to the top of the computing game, using a convoluted plan involving purchasing Pixar (previously owned by none other than Lucasfilm) and some incredibly boring stuff about space taxation.

Even in his youth, Steve Jobs reached for the Death Stars.

iMperor of Apple
After a hiatus from Apple to work on other evil projects, Jobs returned as CEO, turning it into one of the most successful IT companies in the world. One of his first acts as CEO was to make it impossible for anyone to make Macintosh Clones, thus ostensibly ending the Clone Wars. However, behind his public persona as a charismatic, highly persuasive leader was an aggressive and demanding personality who caused widespread fear amongst his employees by Order 66'ing many of them. With no one to stand in his way, Jobs triumphantly announced himself undisputed iMperor of Apple at the 2000 Macworld Expo.

Personal fortune
As well as holding more than 5 million shares in Apple, Jobs sold Pixar to Disney (an evil corporation whose sole reason for existence is to take as much money from small children and their parents as possible) in exchange for becoming its largest individual shareholder, with a whopping 7% (almost 6% more than anyone else).

Power... UNLIMITED POWER!!!
Now with wealth and power beyond measure, Jobs was finally free to begin turning people to the Dark Side in earnest. His devices were temptingly attractive, seductively powerful and incredibly easy to use, but they also came at a high price, in that they literally cost a crapload of money. Most importantly of all, short battery life, inability to synch with anything except that one specific version of iTunes you have on your old computer and antenna issues caused countless many consumers to give in to their anger in violent fits of rage.

Look familiar?

An Apprentice and an army
A Sith Lord is nothing without his apprentice to kill off the competition and iMperor Jobs was no different, yet he was not content with one black-clad evil magic cyborg to do his bidding. Instead, Jobs made millions, and an army of familiarly white-and-black armoured iMperial troopers to go along with them. Together, they conquered the world.

Health "concerns"
More recently, Jobs' appearance changed dramatically and he appeared to be suffering from health concerns supposedly caused by "cancer". The reality was so much simpler: through countless years of study, dedication and the occasional cold blooded murder, Jobs had mastered the arts of the Dark Side.

It's now only a matter of time before his patented "Stevenotes" become even more exciting.

Building an iDeath Star
Of course, no Galactic iMpire would be complete without building a Death Star and iMperor Jobs has already taken the first steps towards ensuring the iDeath Star's construction. Apple's proposed circular "spaceship" headquarters in Cupertino, California, is undoubtedly the skeleton for a spherical moon-sized doomsday laser that will one day be used to blow up planets and ensure that iMperial rule lasts forever.

And so it begins.

So enjoy your freedom while it lasts, Earth. It's only a matter of time now before iMperor Jobs rules you all with a sleek, feature-packed next generation iRon Fist (v.4).

The Galappletic iMpire: Think Sitherent.

This Death Star Cosplay Dress is Fully Armed and Operational

2011-08-03T06:56:00.000-07:00

On the Star Wars Official Blog this week, the incomparable Bonnie Burton brought our attention to the greatest costume based on a moon-sized doomsday device the Galaxy has ever seen.

At this year's San Diego Comic-Con International, actress, Star Wars fan and YouTube vlogger Jennifer Landa sported a Death Star dress with a TIE Interceptor hairband.

Before you ask gentlemen, we can assure you that Jennifer's costume is based on the Death Star v.3, which is certified as having no known structural flaws, external shield generator problems or feral teddy bear infestations whatsoever. So don't even think about it.

Suffice it to say, this kind of dedication to the Dark Side has melted our black hearts. Jennifer, if you ever want a date with Darth Vader (okay fine, or the PR Team), send us an email.

Read Bonnie's full interview with Jennifer and see more pictures on the Star Wars blog.

Pictures by Bonnie Burton.

The Truth About Han and Chewie

2011-07-30T18:11:00.000-07:00

Since Return of the Jedi, we haven't seen much of Han and Chewie. They never do the same talk shows, appear at the same conventions, or even reference one another in up and coming tell-all autobiographies. In fact, Han has been reluctant to even mention the Star Wars saga for many years.

Now we finally know why:

"Daniel Craig's my Wookiee bitch now!"

Via Topless Robot.

A Death Star For America

2011-07-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

It is a dark time for the United States of America. It's no secret that the once-great nation of America is in trouble. On August 2nd, the US will reach its debt ceiling of $14.3tn and be unable to borrow more money. The results of defaulting on this debt for America, and Earth's economy, could be catastrophic, leading to the collapse of the global money market. Plus, the AT-AT for America campaign got canned.

But this isn't the first time this has happened, friends. Allow us, if we may, to tell you a little story from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. The Galactic Senate's incompetence, employment of Jar Jar Binks, investment in protracted wars and spending on big government had brought the Republic to the brink of chaos. But one man had a dream. A dream of streamlined government, of job security for all and, most importantly, of peace in our time.

As Emperor, Palpatine cut government spending and increased efficiency by 2,000% by firing (sometimes literally) all of the other politicians and installing himself as ruler of a totalitarian dictatorship. With the valiant Darth Vader at his side, Palpatine ended the Clone Wars by bravely ordering the Jedi be assassinated, then brought the troop home. All 60,000 of him. But most importantly of all, friends, he gave the Galaxy a symbol of hope. He gave them a shining green light in the darkness. He gave them the Death Star.

That's right, friends, the solution to America's problems is simple: build your own Death Star.

Friends, the Death Star for America Project will need strong leadership. Someone with great charisma, a "take no prisoners/kill anybody who disagrees with you" and preferably the ability to shoot lightning from their hands. This leader, let's call them "Emperor Palpatine" for the sake of argument, will make the tough decisions that no democratically elected parliament ever could, and in 1/10th the amount of time. Some might call it having no "rights" or "freedoms" or "say". We like to think of it as "streamlining your political options".

Constructing a Death Star will see the end of unemployment on your planet once and for all. Assembling a 160km-across moon-sized battlestation armed with a planet-destroying superlaser will require a lifetime of commitment from virtually every man and woman on Earth. Also children, whose small hands are excellent for cleaning the difficult-to-reach parts in broken machinery.

Similarly, your exacting schedule and challenging working conditions will save you countless trillions of dollars by ensuring that the need for aged care pensions and welfare payouts will disappear completely.

Once you've begun building your Death Star, your money woes will become a thing of the past, friends. You won't need to borrow any. In fact, you won't even need to pay any of what you owe back. People from other countries will generously give you money, completely of their own free will, because you'll be building a giant death laser capable of disintegrating them from space, which may or may not need to be test fired a couple of times on non-compliant countries.

Environmental concerns won't be an issue either, as what little of the planet is left after you've stripped it of all of its precious metals and other essential resources will barely classify as an environment. Hey, let's be honest, it's not like your current politicians or big businesses were planning on doing any different.

Warfare will be no more. The Death Star for America Project will inspire humanity's imagination in a way no human endeavour ever has before. The people of Earth will realise that you can do more than shoot for the stars: you can build a star that shoots planets. This, plus uniting people under the common goal of not being exploded from space, will make other nations flock to support your glorious cause.

There will be those who tell you it cannot be done, friends. Ignore them. They will pay the price for their lack of vision. Did Emperor Palpatine listen to people when they said, "You're crazy", or, "How did we not know that you're an evil megalomaniacal wizard intent on taking over the Galaxy", or, "Ohgodohgod, please don't blow up my planet"? No. No he did not. He built his Death Star and so can you, America.

Don't go quietly into the night, friends. If you want to save America, spread the word to all of your friends. Direct people to this page. Get inspired. Let the Galactic Empire be your guiding (Death) Star.

Oh, one more thing, friends; you're going to need a new flag. We call it "The Death Star-Spangled Banner".

You're welcome, America.

The Most Terrifying Thing You'll See This Week

2011-07-26T07:39:00.000-07:00

You know what the Galaxy doesn't have enough of? Horrifying baby dolls that will come to life at night time and devour your gall bladder while you're asleep.

That is, until now. Master Artist Traci Ann Lister has created a series of reborn baby dolls based on Harry Potter characters for some reason and they are ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TERRIFYING.

If these are actually toys that regular, non-institutionalised, non-parent murdering children on your planet play with, we can't decide whether to be worried or really, really impressed.

Baby Voldemort, or "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Changed", easily the most terrifying of the terrifying doll baby monsters. As is to be expected. And with a nose, too! Nice work, Lord V.

Baby Harry, going incognito without the giant glasses.

Baby Hermione. You can tell because it has eyes and a nose, much like Hermione.

Baby Ewok. Not actually included in the set, but just as frightening. Thankfully, nothing could top this for horribleness, ri--

OH GOD! OH GOD! O. M. F. G! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

Baby Lupin. If you ignore the hair, he's actually kind of cute. If by "cute" you mean "must be put down on sight using silver bullets."

Baby Snape. Or as we like to call him, "Baby Senor Chang from Community".

Baby Dobby. Okay, SERIOUSLY, who in God's name would actually buy this monstrosity?

Good luck sleeping normally ever again.

Source: SMH.

Finally, you can BE a Jedi with Kinect Star Wars!

2011-07-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

There have been many Star Wars games, but even when the lightsabers came out, few gave you the feeling of what it might actually be like to be a Jedi.

Until now. Finally, Kinect Star Wars promises to do exactly that. Here's how:

The Jedi live by a strict moral code, which basically means there's a ton of things you can't do. In Kinect Star Wars, you're on rails, so there's heaps of things you can't do, even if you want to, even though your amazing Force powers should allow you to do them.
The Jedi are excellent at taking orders. With the game on rails, you'll hardly have to think for yourself at all!
Jedi have spectacular Force powers, but rarely use, except to push or pull the occasional thing. The game is eerily true to life.
The Jedi are in peak physical fitness, as you'll be after spending 17 hours jumping on the spot trying to get your avatar to do one little jump, which you could have done in about 0.002 of a second if you had a controller instead.
Jedi are good at getting shot in the face. As you can see in the trailer below, within thirty seconds of fighting your first few battle Droids, you will know exactly what it felt like to be a Jedi during Order 66.

Tags: GameTrailers.com, Kinect Star Wars - SDCC 11: Over the Shoulder Gameplay (Cam), PC Games, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360

Via Topless Robot.

ClasSciFieds

2011-07-22T06:04:00.000-07:00

Ever wanted to know what the Classifieds Section of the newspaper looks like in a Galaxy Far, Far Away? Now you do, thanks to Scott Morton and Joel, who've collaborated to bring you a glimpse at Tatooine's Premiere Newspaper, The Suns.

A delicious Dark Side cookie to anyone who gets all of the many Sci-Fi references without cheating.

To see more of Scott's disgustingly excellent artwork, go to: http://scottwearspants.blogspot.com/

New Moon

2011-07-22T05:24:00.000-07:00

Good news, everyone!

The Hubble Space Telescope has found a new small moon orbiting Pluto!

That's no moon.

One Small Step Backwards For Man

2011-07-22T05:13:00.000-07:00

Fitting that you announce the world’s largest McDonald's on the same day that you stop sending shuttles into space.

An Open Letter to Google re: the "Fictionality" of Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine

2011-07-18T16:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Goo,

Can we call you that, Google? You seem like the type of innovative multinational IT-based corporation who is playful, easygoing and enjoys a good nickname. We're writing to you because over the weekend you made a horrible mistake, Goo. You suspended Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine's Google+ accounts because you believed them to be "fictional" characters. We find your lack of faith disturbing.

You can’t just arbitrarily decide to cancel a REAL PERSON’S social networking page without even telling them about it or giving them an opportunity to defend themselves first. That's not fair. It’s not like blowing up a planet, after all.

You know Goo, for some reason a lot of people (like TIME Magazine) have called Darth Vader "fictional", despite the fact that he's been in SIX BIOGRAPHICAL MOVIES AND A TELEVISION SHOW, plus countless books, comics and video games. You can find replicas of him in almost EVERY TOY STORE ON EARTH. Does that really sound like a "fictional" character to you?

What does it even mean to be "fictional" in this day and age of carefully constructed public personas, plastic surgery and media manipulation? Don't we all choose to represent ourselves in different ways to those around us, changing chameleon-like to suit our context? Do any of us really even know the "real" us? Do you know the real Gyougle, Goo? Aren't we all just "fictional" characters in the end? As Shakespeare once said, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."

What happened to you, Goo? Who hurt you? Did you unexpectedly have your heart broken by a really Hot Young Lady Search Engine who left you for a more brooding, buffer, Bad Boy Search Engine in Search Engine High School, thus making it difficult for you to trust others? Because we'll be honest, you seem to be constantly searching for something. Something you won't find by tearing down the happiness of others, just to make them as miserable as you feel.

Should they just LIE and change their names to Dan Vader and Eugene Palpatine instead (as suggested by Scott Oldfield)? Is that what you want? Do you really want to create an online culture based on lies, where people regularly pretend to be somebody they're not? What a horrible world that would be to live in.

Maybe it's discrimination. Maybe you don't want Darth Vader and the Emperor to have an account on your precious little social network just because your slogan is "Don't be evil" and they're "evil wizards" who "took over the Galaxy" and "murdered" millions of people. Because if you're going to use "evil" as the basis for your decisions, then we can probably all agree that you'd better start by cancelling Dane Cook's account first.

On that note, how is it that the FRIGGING Hogwarts Sorting Hat, SEVERAL Lord Voldemorts AND Chewbacca still have their Google+ Profiles? Answer us that, Google. Oh, that's right, you can't, because you're a corporation. Did you know that makes YOU a fictional entity of sorts too? No, you probably don't, because you don't even have a brain or a mouth.

Or could it be that you have something against Sith Lords? Is that it, Google? We thought people had moved beyond religious discrimination in this day and age, except against the Jedi, which is totally acceptable. Doesn't your informal corporate culture extend to people who enjoy wearing a plush velour robe to work and who have different belief systems to your own that involve frying the very occasional subordinate with Force lightning? For shame, Goo. For shame. Is that really the Google we've bonded with and come to think of as a good, nay GREAT, friend during the countless hours we've spent searching the web for funny videos of people hurting themselves? Of course it's not. Don't be that search engine, Goo

Perhaps it's just that your recent affiliation with Androids has led you to be prejudiced against cyborgs. Don't get us wrong, androids have their place. Usually that place is poncing about in a black and gold unitard and wanting to become human. But can't you see that cyborgs are people too, Google? Well, mostly human. Okay, AT LEAST 42% human.

Finally, if you can't find it in your cybernetic heart to be swayed by the infallible logic and wild accusations contained above, then we're afraid we're going to have to bring out the big gun: litigation. We hate to bring up the whole copyright issue but the truth is, you owe a LOT of your success to us. Clearly the idea for Google+'s "Circles" comes from Darth Vader's classic line, "The circle is complete."

Does this "Circle" look familiar to you, Google?

And don't even get us started on Google Chrome...

So finally, Google, remember that the Force surrounds us, binds us, and can also be used to Force choke us from great distances if we get on the wrong people's bad side. Isn't it funny that "Google" even sounds a LOT like "Gurgle", the last thing most people say when they're being lovingly throat hugged from across the room by a caring Sith Lord? What a strange coincidence that is, right ~~Gurgle~~ Google? Haha. Ahaha. Oh, we have such fun together, don't we Goo?

We trust this will help you make the right decision and restore Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine's Google+ accounts immediately. Otherwise you might find your planet becoming "fictional" by the weekend.

Warmest regards,

The Death Star PR Team.

Jacob French's Troopertrek: An Imperial March With A Difference

2011-07-17T07:44:00.000-07:00

Stormtroopers are usually known for their unerring accuracy with a blaster rifle and for their heroically brave murdering of the Jedi, but 501st Legion ("Vader's Fist") member Jacob French is making a name for himself with a different kind of Imperial March.

French is walking the length of Australia solo on a "Troopertrek", from Perth to Sydney, a journey of some 5,000km (3,106m) in an attempt to raise $50,000 for the Starlight Children's Foundation, a charity designed to lift the spirits of seriously ill children.

To complete the grueling journey, Trooper French plans to walk 35-40km per day, five days a week, pushing a 50kg (110lb) buggy containing his supplies, all the while wearing his armour. Along the way, he will cross the dreaded Nullarbor Plain, a stretch of Tatooine-like desert 1,100km wide.

Don't let this Stormtrooper miss his target. Donate at Jacob French's website now.

This message brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Images via Huffington Post.

Join the PR Side

2011-07-16T08:21:00.000-07:00

Image via Dr. Pete.

If you're a fan of our good, honest work here in the Death Star's PR Division (and let's be honest, why wouldn't you be?), why not follow us in every single medium imaginable?

You can find us on:
Twitter
Facebook

And befriend the Head of PR himself, Robbie Boland, on Google+.

Alderaan: A Retrospective

2011-07-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

Alderaan. The "Shining Star" of the Core Worlds, a peaceful planet of unparalleled beauty, rich cultural heritage and a long, proud history dating back more than 30,000 years. And yet, somehow the name has become synonymous with explosive, fiery destruction. One year on, Death Star PR takes a completely objective look back at the "Alderaan incident", at what we've lost and what we've learned, in a quest to finally uncover the truth.

The mountains of Alderaan. Probably.

What we know
Let's start with the cold, hard FACTS. Alderaan was (almost definitely) a planet that (allegedly) existed. There are many (probably not faked) photos. At some point, for some reason (discussed below), it ceased to exist in its more well-known planetary form in the spatial location it was previously renowned for being found at.

Alderaan: You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

What may have happened that day
From scientists to conspiracy nuts to "eyewitnesses" who were "actually there", everyone seems to have a different theory on what "actually" happened to Alderaan.

Many scientists have suggested that Alderaan may have spontaneously combusted. "Oh yes," said Professor Iluff Scyeenze, "planets do spontaneously explode all of the time. It has to do with complex gravitational forces combining with a freak build up of magma beneath the planet's mantle, as well as loads of other scientific things like exothermic reactions and the parallax effect and... umm... carbohydrates."

Another strong possibility is an unexpected strike by a huge meteor, as seen in documentaries like Armageddon with Bruce Willis.

Was this man responsible for riding an asteroid into Alderaan? We're not saying he is, but can you prove he isn't?

More likely, however, is that Alderaan was disintegrated when it was hit by a wayward paragraph of gigantic floating yellow text, a tragic tale that has become all too common in recent years. But where exactly do these unstoppable monolithic paragraphs come from? What do they want? Are they, perhaps, some kind of expository message to us from an unknowable, unfathomable creator? For now, the answers to those questions remain a mystery.

A photograph of one of the rogue paragraphs, taken by one of the few to survive an encounter.

A small minority have even suggested that the benevolent Galactic Empire used the Death Star's superlaser to destroy Alderaan as a demonstration of the Empire's firepower, designed to frighten the Rebel Alliance into submission. Well, just about anybody can suggest anything. Maybe it was accidentally eaten by a gigantic star turtle carrying four giant elephants on its back, who in turn carry some kind of disc-shaped world on their backs. Maybe a giant space bird flew off with it. Or MAYBE it was just a "special effect" made for a "movie" using "computers" and Alderaan never really existed at all.

Who's to blame?
Assuming Alderaan did exist and was blown up? Terrorists. There's a lot of things we don't know in this crazy, mixed up galaxy we live in but one thing's for sure: terrorists are always to blame for explosions.

For years, the Rebel Alliance have been waging guerrilla warfare against the Galactic Empire, constantly disrupting our valiant attempts to bring peace, order and security to the galaxy (even if we have to very occasionally use extreme violence, oppression and fear to do it).

Grand Moff Tarkin surveys a totally unconnected asteroid field.

Although the Rebel insurgents haven't claimed responsibility for the attack, and indeed have quite vehemently and consistently stated that the Empire is to blame, the reality is that there would be no wars of the star variety or otherwise if the Alliance simply gave up. They won't, of course. They're only too eager to risk your lives for their own selfish ends. Said Eeval Tehryryst: "We're fighting to free the entire galaxy from a ruthlessly oppressive totalitarian dictatorship led by two evil wizards." See? Selfish.

Hypothetically speaking
From a purely hypothetical, non-committal, just throwing it out there kind of a place, if Alderaan did explode and if we did it, which we are in no way suggesting is actually the case, then it would definitely have been totally, unequivocally justified.

What the Death Star laser might look like if it was fired at Alderaan. Which it almost definitely wasn't.

If the Galactic Empire did, for example, use the Death Star's gigantic superlaser to turn Alderaan into the galaxy's newest meteor field, it would only have been to bring peace to an entire galaxy. A galaxy filled with literally thousands of planets, and possibly to teach a certain uppity Princess a lesson. Are people really going to miss one? After all, doesn't the good of the many outweigh the needs of the few (billion)?

Tarkin, Leia and Darth Vader share a laugh during some father/daughter bonding/abduction time.

Simply put, if Alderaan did get blown up by the Galactic Empire, it was the Rebellion's fault. But even if it turned out that there was some kind of "video evidence" that "proved" we were "responsible", the chances were that we were just test firing the laser when Alderaan shifted its orbit in front of it.

Final thoughts
In all of the discussion of the "horrific tragedy" that (allegedly) befell Alderaan, aren't we all forgetting something? Did the (alleged) destruction of Alderaan really happen to the Alderaanians? After all, you don't hear them bringing it up very often. Isn't it fairer to say that Alderaan happened to all of us? For it is we who must march bravely onwards, valiantly struggling to put behind us/forget completely what (may or may not actually have) happened on that fateful day.

And doesn't that make us the real heroes, in the end?

Yes. Yes it does.

The Greatest Star Wars Game You'll Never Play

2011-07-14T07:13:00.000-07:00

If you've ever wanted to command a fleet of Star Destroyers as they bring freedom to the Galaxy by blowing up Rebel fighters, or take the role of an entree-based Rebel Commander and skillfully guide your fleet into yet another trap, this is the video game for you. Except it isn't, because you'll never get to play it.

Arthur Nishimoto's Fleet Commander was developed at the University of Illinois at Chicago's Electronic Visualization Laboratory (EVL) and runs on a 20-feet wide 16 megapixel LCD multi-touch wall.

The exceedingly kick ass looking multiplayer game, "explores how a real-time interactive strategy game that would typically rely on complex keyboard commands and mouse interactions be transferred into a multi-user, multi-touch environment."

Fleet Commander is able to use all of the Star Wars ships and sounds because it was made for a student project, which means none of us will ever get to play it.

Enjoy.

Via Topless Robot (via Kotaku).

10 Terrifying Things Doctor Who Can Teach Us About Humanity's Future

2011-07-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

Doctor Who isn't just a documentary about the most evil being in the galaxy and how he constantly goes to other people's worlds and mercilessly kills them when they were just trying to go about their average Tuesday. It also teaches us a lot about the future of humanity and all of the wonderful things you will do. Okay, not really. Mostly it just shows you how terrible it will be for you all.

Here are 10 terrifying things Doctor Who can teach us about Humanity's future:

10. You'll all turn into LOLcats

Show us a person who hasn't spent hours of a Saturday night trawling the internet for pictures of cats with funny captions, LOLing at the antics of those aptly named LOLcats and we'll show you a person who hasn't lived, loved, or LOL'd. Unfortunately, they won't seem so funny when you become one in the year 5 billion and 23 (New Earth). To really add insult to injury, you'll be forced to wear one of those flying nun habits. But whatever you do, DON'T THINK ABOUT HOW THE CAT/PERSON RACE GOT STARTED. Oh, you already are? That's a shame, isn't it?

9. Plastic surgery will get even worse

If you think that the current Hollywood trend for everybody to get so much plastic surgery that they gradually turn into the cat people mentioned above is a bit disturbing, or Mickey Rourke's twisted, inhuman visage turns your very soul to ice, you're probably not going to love the distant future. Because The End of the World shows us that in the year five billion you won't need boob jobs or tummy tucks. You'll just need your face, some skin and a nice picture frame to put it all in.

8. Reality TV will become even more popular

If you're one of the few people tired of the 47 "different" versions of The Horrible Housewives of Someplace Terrible, are sick of trying to Keep Up With the Kardashians, and wish that global warming would just hurry up and wash away the Jersey Shore, there's good news and bad news. The good news is, you have a brain. The bad news is, there's going to be loads more reality TV by the year 200,100. In Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways, there's an entire Satellite devoted to beaming out reality TV. What's truly terrifying about this is that it says humanity will STILL be watching Big Brother and The Weakest Link 200,000 years from now. Maybe we should just bring the Death Star over right now and end your suffering.

7. Pretty much everything inanimate will come to life and it will hate you

Doctor Who is filled with stories of inanimate things coming to life and deciding immediately to devote their lives to destroying/enslaving/feeding on humanity. Shop mannequins (Rose), television sets (The Idiot's Lantern), statues (Blink), and even satellite navigation systems (The Sontaran Stratagem), though upon reflection that last one probably isn't very surprising. So basically, unless you plan on living out your days in a cave in the middle of nowhere, you should probably expect a battle to the death against your household appliances some time in the near future.

6. Holidays will be a really bad idea

We know you're thinking to yourself, "Hooray! In the future I'll be able to jump in a space ship and fly to exotic and interesting locales and meet strange and wondrous alien life forms and have adventures and things!" Well you're right, you will definitely be able to do all of those things, except for one teeny, tiny little problem: every single alien on each of those worlds wants to kill you. On some of those worlds, like the crystalline resort planet Midnight (Midnight), you don't even get to see the thing trying to horribly murder you, it just crawls into people's brains and mimics you until people get annoyed and throw you from the shuttle.

5. Say goodbye to human evolution

The Doctor has been to the furthest corners of the universe, and even the end of time (Utopia) and back again, but no matter where he goes one thing remains the same: people. No matter where he visits them, or what time period he finds them in, humans always look exactly the same as they do in the 21st Century. Too bad, humanity. You may spread out across the stars like an unstoppable spaceship delivered super STD but you'll never develop that prehensile tail or those totally sweet gills Kevin Costner had in Waterworld.

4. YOU'RE the bad guys

"Whaaa! We've been victimised by evil aliens again! Boo hoo!" Oh, poor Earth. While it's true that, yes, the very occasional space monster does try to kill or enslave you all (see below), the reality is that you're going to do far worse to them. You see, in the future you're going to colonise countless worlds throughout the universe, doing to them exactly what every colonial power did to every indigenous culture on Earth: kill them, take their land and resources, then "give" them small amounts of their land to live on while robbing them of their rights for their own protection. And because you're feeling extra nice, you'll also "give" them really cushy slave labour jobs. See: the Ood (Planet of the Ood, The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit).

3. Earth will be constantly invaded by evil aliens

Is there anything better than a lazy Sunday morning? A nice sleep in, bacon and eggs with coffee from the cafe down the street, followed by an hour or two curled up with a good book. Aaah, that's the life. Or it used to be. Because in the future, your sleep in will be being up early running for your life, bacon will be Daleks (Every Second Doctor Who Episode Ever), eggs will be Cybermen (Every Third Doctor Who Episode Ever), coffee will be Sontarans, the cafe will be a reality bomb and the book will be YOU EXPLODING. Because if there's one thing that Doctor Who consistently teaches us, it's that Earth is a magnet for every single bastardous alien in existence. Three quarters of the time they don't even come to Earth for any particular reason except just to mess with you. Which is actually fair enough, really.

2. You won't get to marry Amy Pond

Yes, she's your dream woman. Yes, you feel a special unspoken bond because of that time her hazel eyed gaze pierced the camera, shot out through the television set and locked onto yours in an expression of love that surely no two other people could possibly share. Well get in line, buddy. Ms. Pond is already spoken for by Rory Williams. Yes, the guy with the nose. Even worse, there's no point even contemplating trying to kill him to get him out of the picture, because the guy literally cannot die. No, wait, he literally dies all the FRIGGING TIME (Amy's Choice, Cold Blood, The Curse of the Black Spot, The Doctor's Wife [twice!]), but don't get your hopes up, because he KEEPS COMING BACK.

1. One day you'll all be tiny Death Stars

In Utopia, the Doctor, Captain Jack and Martha travel to the end of the universe in the year 100 trillion. When they get back to the present (The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords), they find that the Master has taken control of earth with the help of the Toclafane, six billion tiny little Death Stars. It turns out the Master has converted all of the remaining humans at the end of time into incredibly bloodthirsty cyborg death spheres and brought them back using a Paradox Machine so they can kill everyone in the present (namely, you). Actually, six billion tiny Death Stars sounds pretty good. So at least there's that to look forward to, right?

Another Open Letter to Beloved Hollywood Actress Natalie Portman

2011-07-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Natalie Portman,

We trust you’ve been well since we last wrote to you after the birth of your son. The first few weeks of parenthood are a wonderful, crazy, sleepless time that can be difficult for some, but if anyone can handle it, it’s you, Natalie Portman. The woman who starred in no less than three blockbuster movies (very well done, Natalie, inspiring stuff) in the same year that she gave birth to her first child is surely capable of anything.

Congratulations are in order once again. After months of thought spent endlessly agonizing over the perfect name for your son, you’ve chosen “Alef”. What a beautiful, lyrical (and can we say magical? Well, you can’t stop us, Natalie Portman. MAGICAL.) name, which in no way reminds us of “Alf”, that annoying wisecracking alien who ate cats.

All of us here on the Death Star were incredibly thankful when we heard you’d made the decision not to go with “Luke”, mostly because this significantly decreases the chances of us eventually getting blown up by a Luke in the not-distant-enough future, but also because “Luke” rhymes with “puke”, which can lead to some really unfortunate bullying at school. You are incredibly wise to avoid that sort of future heartache, Natalie Portman.

But THEN we heard that that “Alef” apparently means “Oneness with God” in Hebrew. We looked up this God character of yours Natalie Portman, and although we really enjoyed his first book “The Old Testament”, it dawned on us that what you refer to as “God” in your galaxy is what we know as “the Force” in ours.

Which means you’ve actually called your child “One with the Force”. Which means he will one day become more powerful than we could possibly imagine.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, BELOVED HOLLYWOOD ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTRESS NATALIE PORTMAN? WHY?!

We’re sure it was simply a minor oversight on your part, Natalie. Not that we’re suggesting a woman of your intellect, charm and acting ability is capable of mistakes. But even the best of us overlook things at times, like forgetting to shield a small thermal exhaust port in your otherwise impenetrable Battle Station of Doom. Err… that one’s just an example, Natalie Portman. Just forget we mentioned that, please.

You strike us as a very moral person and you’ve stated repeatedly that you’re against war, which is great, because war is a terrible thing, Natalie. And Star Wars? Urgh. Those are the WORST kind. We’re sure you have no interest whatsoever in watching your beautiful baby boy grow up, only to eventually watch him blow up more than a million probably innocent people.

So please, beloved Hollywood actress Natalie Portman, don’t bother teaching your son about the ways of the Force. Otherwise before you know it he’ll be levitating the family car and chopping all of your carefully constructed IKEA furniture in half all the time. You don’t need that kind of hassle in your life, Natalie. After all, on top of being probably the world’s best mum, you still have an incredibly successful acting career to pursue.

Yours admiringly,

The Death Star PR Team.

P.S. If a bearded man in a brown bathrobe ever comes looking for you and offers to “train” Alef, just say NO. We have it on good authority that he only wants to show your son his lightsaber.

Bad Guys

2011-07-07T05:28:00.000-07:00

Han, Leia and Luke deaths caused by Stormtrooper: 0.

Stormtrooper deaths caused by Han, Luke and Leia: 176,442.

Sorry, who are the bad guys again?

200 Reasons

2011-07-07T05:07:00.000-07:00

Ke$ha has written 200 songs for her new album.

We like to think of them as 200 reasons why your death by explosion will be a merciful one.

This message brought to you by the Death Star Cares initiative.

Autobots Are Dicks: A "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" Review

2011-07-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

Michael Bay's Transformers: Dark of the Moon is here, bringing with it the promise of unparalleled Autobot propaganda, 36 solid minutes of things walking and/or exploding in slow motion, and enough happening on screen to make you feel like you've been molested by a giant robot having an epileptic fit, while in a blender that transforms into another, even more giant molesting robot.

In an effort to counter the Autobot spin, we recount the film and present an unbiased view of events. Be warned: spoilers and logic after the jump.

TDotM opens with an extended trailer for the Transformers: War for Cybertron video game. In the last days of the war, Autobot leader Sentinel Prime invented "the Pillars", technology that would end the war once and for all but his ship, the Ark, is shot down by Decepticons. It crashes on the dark side of the moon, which is apparently right next to Cybertron, sparking the 1960's space race.

Sixty years later, the Autobots are working with the American military to protect humanity from itself, which here means murdering the Middle Eastern parts of it. When we first see the Autobots, they're infiltrating an Arabian military checkpoint disguised as a diplomatic convoy. The moment they pass the gates, they transform and begin heroically killing the unsuspecting guards, thereby totally and utterly negating the point of being in disguise in the first place.

Megatron and the remaining Decepticons are cleverly hiding from the Autobots in the one place nobody would ever think to look for a giant robot that can disguise itself as whatever vehicle or mechanical object it wants: right out in the open in the middle of the African Savannah, where there are, you know, no vehicles or giant robots whatsoever.

Back home, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is ANGRY! because he can't get a job, despite having saved the world twice already before. We know this because pretty much the entire first hour of the film is devoted to everyone in the entire movie talking exclusively about how Sam can't get a job.

As with most unemployed people, Sam's life is TERRIBLE. He is forced to live in a well-appointed two storey loft with his new ridiculously hot, nice, driven, (apparently) intelligent supermodel girlfriend Carly Banks (Rosie Huntington-Whitely). WORSE, the Autobots are too busy to even talk to poor old Sam anymore. Except for the two comedy relief bots who live with him for no reason. Even WORSER, Carly works for McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey), a (clearly evil) charming billionaire playboy accountant, which is apparently a thing.

Possibly because they've killed everyone in the Middle East, the Autobots travel to Chernobyl, Russia, where they discover a fuel cell from the Ark. Then Shockwave, a Decepticon with a giant robotic Dune sandworm penis, attacks them with said appendage, because hey, if you've got it, flaunt it.

Surviving the close encounter of the penis kind, Optimus returns to the USA OptiPISSED, because the US Government has been hiding knowledge of the Ark the whole time. He very maturely does an "I can't hear you" routine with No-Nonsense CIA Boss Lady (Frances McDormand) before eventually going to the moon anyway, recovering Sentinel Prime and the five remaining pillars.

Oh, FYI the pillars form a "space bridge" that can instantaneously teleport things like large amounts of Decepticons or, say, planets, from one end of the galaxy to the other. Remarkably, it can even transport plot points directly from other iconic science fiction franchises, as this is literally EXACTLY THE SAME evil plan the Time Lords had in Doctor Who's The End of Time.

Meanwhile, Sam has found a job in the mail room of Some Company Inc., run by John Malkovich playing Charlie Sheen on the drug Charlie Sheen playing John Malkovich in Being John Malkovich. Decepticon whistleblower Community's Señor Chang turns up and drags Sam into a bathroom stall to tell him Chang knows THINGS about the Decepticon master plan, WHICH IS FUNNY BECAUSE JOHN MALKOVICH THINKS THEY HAD GAY SEX! CLASSIC!

At this point, presumably because he is incredibly bored of waiting for the action to begin, Laserbeak (literally the only Transformer in the movie smart enough to remember he is a transforming robot who can transform himself into different things, like a photocopier [hey, nobody said they were GOOD things]) gives up on the whole secret plan thing and tries to kill Sam, as well as pretty much everyone in Sam's office.

Before Sam (now joined by John Turturro and Alan Tudyk doing a funny accent because apparently Michael Bay thinks that an accent and characterisation are the same thing) can warn the Autobots , Sentinel Prime turns to the Dark Side, kills Ironhide and activates the pillars, using them to teleport all of the Decepticons to Earth who've been hiding on the moon for the last 60 years waiting for their cunning and incredibly drawn out plan to come together.

And no, if this really was the Decepticons plan all along, they couldn't have saved a lot of time and done it in either of the first two movies because shut up.

The Decepticons quickly and efficiently take over Chicago, make a huge number of gargantuan gunships and assorted other Decepticons appear out of nowhere, get McDreamy to kidnap Carly and have the Autobots exiled into space via rocket ship, which, in a move everyone saw coming, they promptly blow up. OH NO, the Autobots are dead! Sentinel Prime fires up the pillars again, this time planning to bring ~~Gallifrey~~ Cybertron through the pillars to Earth.

The US military can't even get close because their planes get blown up the second they approach the city, which leads Lt. Colonel William Lennox (Josh Duhamel) to come up with what might literally be the most insanely stupid plan in the history of everything: enter the city using WINGSUITS! Which are TOTALLY COOL. And are also, you know, nowhere near as fast, heavily armoured, or armed as any of the planes the Decepticons just blew up.

Sam decides to make his own way into the city to rescue Carly with the help of his new friends, a bunch of plucky (but actually surprisingly cowardly) ex-soldiers who all apparently chose to be paid in heavy artillery instead of money when they left the army.

Sam & Co are about to be put out of everyone's misery by a Decepticon when SHOCK TWIST! Optimus and the Autobots return. Optimus explains that it was their plan all along to pretend to leave Earth, so that the people of Earth understood that Decepticons could not be trusted. Meaning, and this cannot be stated emphatically enough, the NOBLE LEADER OF THE AUTOBOTS LEFT EVERYONE IN CHICAGO TO DIE IN ORDER TO TEACH EARTH A LESSON.

This commences the one hour (literally) action sequence portion of the film, during which: Sam totally blows the Autobots' chance of a surprise attack by selfishly rescuing Carly; Sam and Carly get trapped for 20 minutes in a skyscraper while Shockwave molests it with his giant robot penis; Optimus transforms into Flying Optimus™only to get tangled in ropes. For at least 15 minutes. Which he needs the Wreckers to help him get out of. Despite the fact that he: a) is a ridiculously strong giant robot; b) is made of at least 4,907 incredibly sharp pieces of metal; and, c) CAN TRANSFORM INTO AND/OR CARRIES A WIDE VARIETY OF EDGED AND PROJECTILE WEAPONRY.

Ultimately, the pillars are destroyed and Cybertron is sucked back into the vortex from whence it came but that still leaves Optimus to get his ass horribly kicked by Sentinel Prime, losing an arm in the process. That is, until Megatron is convinced by Carly (who has never met, seen, or assumedly even heard of Megatron prior to the moment she sees him, but somehow manages to completely understand his nature and skillfully manipulate him anyhow) to help kill Sentinel.

Megatron saves Optimus' life, basically defeats Sentinel on his own AND then offers Optimus a truce. Optimus repays all of this incredible kindness by doing exactly what you'd expect the heroic, noble and wise protagonist to do: he rips out Megatron's head and spine. Sentinel is crawling away when Optimus catches up to him and, despite pleading for his life, executes the elder Transformer, shooting him in the head point blank with a shotgun, execution style.

Roll credits.

So, just to recap, the movie ends with Optimus Prime BRUTALLY MURDERING TWO TRANSFORMERS IN COLD BLOOD.

You should see this movie if: you enjoyed Transformers 2, like giant robots, explosions and one hour action sequences.

You should not see this movie if: you are in any way a fan of logic, character development, or CGI-light films.

Lord Voldemort: Behind the Basilisk

2011-06-29T13:38:00.000-07:00

With the Deathly Hallows Part 2 due to hit cinemas on July 13^th, the impending death of Harry Potter to celebrate and the total domination of the world to plan for, Twitter’s one and only Lord Voldemort is one very busy evil wizard.

Thankfully, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed” found the time to answer a few of Death Star PR’s questions about eternal life, taking over the universe and everything.

DSPR: Firstly, congratulations on being the first “fictional” character to pass 1 million Twitter followers. How does one celebrate such a momentous milestone?

LV: I would tell you but the celebration is revealed only to those who make it to this momentous milestone. Yes, Gaga, Britney, Bieber, NASA & I are all in the know about this secret. Like I said, I’d share; but horrible things tend to happen to people who try and enter my chamber of secrets when they shouldn’t...

DSPR: Speaking of Lady Gaga, she dresses crazier than Bellatrix Lestrange and calls herself “Mother Monster”, and Charlie Sheen recently claimed he was the world’s most powerful warlock. Are today’s celebrities just trying to ride on your cloaktails?
LV: It’s upsetting to me that people feel they can leech off of my fame. I know a thing or two about living off of someone else; I did live in Quirrel’s head. Let me tell you; while unicorn blood is refreshing and quenches your near-death thirst, there is nothing better than living on your own. (Unless it’s seven of you living on your own in various places of course). These people need to find their own thing. Look at Cedric Diggory. He realized being yet another whiny, wizard, git didn’t work for him so he took up sparkling. Do I advise this route? No. But to each his own.

DSPR: People see your movie star good looks, plush velour bathrobes, exotic pets and all the other trappings of superstardom, and forget that you’re a self-made man. Has the road to success been an easy one for you?

LV: The road to my success was neither easy nor hard… it was non-existent. You don’t need a road to success when you can apparate to success; or, better yet, fly.

DSPR: Dumbledore was the yin to your yang, the beard to your clean-shaven look, the dead to your still alive. Are there any positives you can take out of that relationship now that he’s gone?

LV: Well, as you stated, Dumbledore and I were opposites. I plan on continuing our yin-yang relationship & fully embracing the being alive to his dead.

DSPR: Speaking of Dumbledore’s demise, it seems like Severus Snape has finally made himself useful. What are the best and worst things about having henchmen?

LV: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Dumbledore…. well Dumbledore never fully embraced the whole “henchman-are-useful” mentality. I like to think of them less as “henchmen” and more “evil groupies”. I’d say the best thing about having Henchmen is the loyalty. You know, people like Wormtail are literally willing to give their right arm to serve me. Snape? Well that’s the kind of guy who would never, ever stab me in the back. I mean, there’s a better chance that Hagrid would become a professor than Snape betraying me. As if that would ever happen. The worst thing is that I started some kind of weird trend. Now every group feels the need to “name” themselves. It’s worse than the asinine “couple-naming” that people do. My name is already ridiculous enough, I don’t need you adding to it. Now there are “Beliebers,” “Little Monsters,” “Smilers.” I think they should all group themselves together and form a new group. We can call them ‘dead’.

DSPR: Just between us, can you share any “Deathly Hallows Part 2” spoilers with us? Is that Harry kid finally going to get what he deserves?

LV: I think you’ll be surprised by the ending. They haven’t let me see it yet but I’ve been promised that it would be completely different than this “book” ending. One that reflects what REALLY happened. As you know from my previous interview, that “JK Rowling” character got into a bit of a tiff with me when I refused her advances. Suddenly I was “evil,” “couldn’t love” and she refused to even speak my name. Drama-queen. She really crucioed my patience so I’ve been promised that this will be a more accurate reflection of a wizard who knows how to make magic and loves playing with his snake. Wait…

DSPR: Between Harry “The Boy Who Lived” Potter being famous just for not dying and the cast of Jersey Shore being famous for being stupid, does it ever surprise you that there are still people out there who don’t want you to take over the world?

LV: It does. It really does. I mean, can anybody get famous nowadays? What happened to the good old days where you DIDN’T want people to say your name? I go around helpfully killing off stupidity faster than Bella Swan can kill someone’s patience and all I get is complaining.

DSPR: When it comes to magic, is it the materials of your wand or how you use it?
LV: I mean, my wand is thirteen inches. I don’t need felix felicis to get “lucky” if you know what I’m saying. That being said, it’s definitely about how you use your wand but when I meet a special lady I’ll let her see what’s inside it…

DSPR: With the occasional attempted avada kedavraing of unaccompanied minors and assorted Muggles, wizards, etc, you’ve developed something of a “bad boy” reputation. Is that a fair assessment?

LV: Listen, I speak the truth (as well as sarcasm and parseltongue) and if that makes me “bad” then so be it. However, I can never be a bad “boy” as I’m not a boy. Really, if you think about it, I’m teaching a valuable lesson. Don’t want to be killed? Don’t suck. It’s as simple as that.

DSPR: Finally, you mentioned you speak parseltongue. Out of curiousity, do snake’s have anything interesting to say?

LV: My snake has a lot of interesting things to say. Ladies, if you’d like to know more, I’d be happy to introduce you some time.

DSPR: Lord Voldemort, it’s been an absolute pleasure talking to you. Thank you for allowing us to enter your chamber of secrets once again.

Click here to read our first exclusive "Behind the Wand" interview with Lord Voldemort.

How to: Beat Up Chewbacca

2011-06-27T14:49:00.000-07:00

So the inevitable has finally happened: you've decided you need to beat up, maim or possibly kill Chewbacca. Maybe you caught him humping the couch one too many times, or growling suggestively at your girlfriend, or perhaps you just thought his pelt would make a fine throw rug for the living room.

Regardless, you're in for the fight of a lifetime, because fighting Chewbacca is exactly like fighting a grizzly bear. A grizzly bear that has the ability to understand everything you say, strategic know-how to play space chess and fly a spaceship, the strength and desire to rip off your arms at will, and a laser gun.

Step one: get your affairs in order. Finish writing that crappy novel you subconsciously never intended to show anyone, kiss the wife and call your children into the study for one last awkward hug before telling them to run along now and turning stoically to peer out the window as a single tear runs into your moustache. Because make no mistake, if you do not follow this guide precisely, you are going to die in a horrible, horrible way.

Step two: join the Rebellion. Getting in is easy - just don't bathe for a week or so, then say things like, "Shyeah, Emperor POOPatine more like it! Amiright, you guys?" during the interview. (NOTE: Avoid overly rigorous high-fiving at this point, as you will need to conserve as much energy as possible for the fight to come)

Next, ingratiate yourself with Han. Stage a meet cute with Han where you "accidentally" run into him in the hangar bay, ending by complimenting him on his brave fashion choice of always wearing tights everywhere. Before you know it, you'll be sharing beers and listening to his stories of the "Good old days" of drug smuggling and murdering people in bars.

While you're becoming Han's best friend, bearly (GET IT?!) acknowledge Chewie, except to make jokes at his expense or get his name continually slightly wrong. Do this for five years until he gets incredibly angry and/or seems about to tear you to pieces, whichever comes first. NOTE: If you let yourself get torn to pieces, YOU'VE DONE IT WRONG. Come back with cyborg body parts and try again, and this time, for the love of God, PAY ATTENTION.

At this point, Chewie hates you. He thinks you're the biggest douchebag in the Galaxy, which is really saying something because he spends a lot of time with Han. Admit it. Tell Chewbacca you've been a dick. Say things like, "Just because you look like a walking carpet doesn't mean I should walk all over you." Maybe even cry a little (NOTE: DON'T LET ON that they are actually tears of happiness because your plan is about to come to fruition). Explain that you want to make it up to him by meeting for some one on bear time at the local Sports and Recreation Centre.

IMPORTANT NOTE RE: VENUE: At this point, Chewbacca might suggest meeting in a forest instead. DON'T DO IT. "But I can use the trees for cover and I did orienteering once in high school and I can use the numerous sticks and stones as rudimentary weapons if I need to", we hear you say. WRONG. The forest gives the space bear the home ground advantage. Fighting Chewbacca in a forest is like fighting a fat kid in a cupcake store, in that it gives them both magical powers, or something. Chewbacca will KICK YOUR ASS IN A FOREST. Sheez. With that kind of thinking you'd be driving home without any arms before you knew it. Thank god you're reading this guide instead of trying to come up with this plan by yourself. You should pay us money for saving your ass.

Meet at the Recreation Centre. Invite him to play a game of space chess but LET THE WOOKIEE WIN. Firstly, if he happens to see your fingers shaking with adrenalin or notices your steely-eyed glare of bear-killing determination, he'll just think you're being competitive. Secondly, Chewbacca will be so smug about his victory that he'll be open to whatever you suggest next.

Incredibly casually suggest a pleasant sunlit stroll outside near the pool. As you walk, distract him with your extensive knowledge of bearkind to really make him feel like you're working hard at this friendship thing, e.g. "Did you know that some male bears weigh in at over 450kg, can climb trees, and run at speeds of over 30 km/h? Or that Fozzie Bear has mauled seven puppeteers and at least one overly inquisitive journalist to death?"

By now you should be next to the swimming pool, duck pond or other large body of water (preferably filled with giant killer sharks that you have spent several years building a rapport with that will telepathically respond to your commands).

Laugh with gusto as you turn to Chewie, holding out your hand. Say, "You know what? I was wrong about you. You're alright, big fella."

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Here it comes.

The second he takes your hand, KICK HIM IN THE NUTS AND PUSH HIM IN TO THE WATER. Within seconds he'll be pulled down by the weight of his own luxurious, incredibly wet, luxurious mane of hair.

Well done, you magnificent bastard. You just defeated the most feared bear in the Galaxy in glorious, valiant single combat.

Of course, if this tactic doesn't appeal to you, you could just kill him Yuuzhan Vong-style, by dropping a moon on him.

An Open Letter to TIME Magazine re: Darth Vader

2011-06-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

Dear TIME Magazine,

In your article of June 17, you listed Darth Vader as the third worst "fictional" father. The Galactic Empire takes these kinds of accusations very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that similar accusations from other planets normally end with a rebuttal of the giant laser from space variety. However, in his infinite wisdom, Darth Vader has ordered the PR Department to respond with the second most devastating weapon known to mankind: a sternly worded letter of complaint. So prepare yourself, TIME Magazine, but know in advance that your shields can't repel refutation of this magnitude.

Firstly, how do you define "worst"? Are you suggesting that Darth Vader was evil because he helped Emperor Palpatine kill all of the Jedi? That's not evil. That's just being really, really good at your job. That's bringing balance to the Force, my glossy printed friend.

Now let's clear the air of planetary debris and discuss the Alderaan issue. To the uneducated, kidnapping Princess Leia and blowing up her home planet while she watched might seem like a bit of a dick move, but it taught Leia a valuable life lesson: "Don't get kidnapped." It seems to us that if Princesses like Leia, Daisy and Zelda could just learn this one fundamental rule, a LOT of supervillains would be forced to channel their energy into more productive avenues of work.

So many parents don't even care where their children are, or what they're up to, no matter the time of day or night. Not Darth Vader. When he couldn't find Luke, Vader dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of space. This was in spite of the fact that Luke had just become the Galaxy's Most Wanted terrorist, almost killed his dad and blown up 1.3 million of his friends and workmates. Are those the actions of a bad father? He even went to visit Luke on the ice planet Hoth and see how he was going at work, despite how far away it was and the fact that the climate there really plays hell with your cyborg body parts.

For almost 20 years, Darth Vader didn't even know he had children. Did you know that, TIME Magazine? Did you uncover that in your research? But unlike so many other deadbeat dads, the moment he found out, he took responsibility for his son, even saying on camera, "Luke, I am your father." He didn't even ask for a paternity test. Would the third worst father ever really do that, TIME Magazine?

You're going to bring up the whole "cutting off Luke's hand" thing now, aren't you TIME Magazine? That is so you. Oh so predictable. If anything, cutting off Luke's hands was one of the nicest things Darth Vader ever did. Think about it: one quick, relatively painless amputation in exchange for a totally sweet cyborg hand (click here to read about the many cyborg hand-related benefits). Who wouldn't take that deal? You know what they say: "no pain, no gain".

NOT ONLY did Darth Vader improve Luke's life immeasurably by giving him the opportunity to become an awesome cyborg, but he then sweetened the deal even further by inviting Luke to join the family business : ruling the galaxy together as father and son. Just in case you missed it, TIME Magazine, that didn't say "run a plumbing company or a small sandwich shop together", it said "RULE THE ENTIRE FRIGGING GALAXY." So Darth Vader, the greatest father in history, wanted to give his son power and wealth beyond measure, EVEN THOUGH HIS SON WAS A BIT OF A WIENER.

Of course, we could also talk about how Darth Vader saved Luke on the second Death Star, sacrificing his own life to throw the Emperor down the reactor shaft. Or how he became a Force ghost so that he could constantly lovingly ~~haunt~~ watch over his children for all time, but we won't because we think you get the point by now TIME Magazine. You do, don't you?

Now let's put the shiny black all-terrain durasteel boot on the other foot. Let's talk about you, TIME Magazine. Darth Vader is NOT a fictional character. He's been in six biographical documentaries about his life. There are photos of him all over the place. He even recently went to Disneyland. How many movies have you been in, TIME Magazine? How many guest appearances at children's parties have you made? Where are all the photos of you? Maybe YOU'RE the fictional character.

What do you base this baselessly base article on? Where is your evidence, either empirical or epistemological? What surveys have you done, or statistics have you uncovered? Did you even conduct a phone poll of some description? No. Because you're a MAGAZINE. You don't even have a mouth.

Finally, what gives you the right to judge people, TIME Magazine? How many little baby magazines have YOU fathered? Stick to what you know, what you're good at: selling a mere 45 million magazines a week.

Yours sincerely,
The Galactic Empire.

Thanks to loyal Imperial GreatSkeptic for the tip.

11 Star Wars Themed Father/Son Activities You Can Do This Father's Day

2011-06-19T06:25:00.000-07:00

To celebrate Father's Day, Death Star PR considers what we can learn from the relationships between fathers and sons, mentors and students seen in the Star Wars films, and how we can apply these lessons in the form of 11 everyday father/son activities.

11) Get Back to Nature

There's nothing quite like roughing it to bring out the MAN in you. There's something primal and inherently good about spending time in the great outdoors. Pitching a tent, hiking, canoeing, and skillfully hunting cute, innocent woodland creatures to death with high-powered guns from an extreme distance are all fun ways to get healthy while enjoying one another's company. And if you think a forest sounds a bit too pedestrian, then why not try a swamp? Leeches, spooky caves filled with psychic manifestations of evil and kleptomaniacal goblins -- what's not to love?

10) Tell Stories

Kids love a good story, but forget telling him stories about dragons and fairy godmothers and anthropomorphic singing mice. Here's your chance to go just go crazy and make a ton of shit up. Tell him his real dad died years ago! Or that he doesn't actually have a sister! Remember: lies by omission are almost as fun! So while you're wildly exaggerating the truth, make sure NOT to tell him important things he should know, like the fact that you chopped his real dad to bits, because let's face it, that stuff can be a bit of a downer on your special day.

9) Play hide and seek

Parents are often so busy working and doing stuff that they sometimes forget to enjoy themselves, or to spend precious family time playing with their kids. But not in the Star Wars universe, where there is a grand tradition of father/son types enjoying all sorts of fun games together. Games like Pin the Lightsaber in the Stomach of Your Friend and Operation: Cyborg Sith Lord edition. Though no matter which galaxy you're in, Hide and Seek is always a classic choice for good, wholesome fun. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader played one game for over twenty years, but even Old Ben couldn't take Yoda's spot as Undefeated Hide and Seek Champion of the Galaxy. Vader and Luke also played a rousing round, with the Sith Lord sending probe droids all across the galaxy just to find his son.

8) Break in to a high security government facility/prison

For the more thrill-seeking father/son combinations, not much gets the adrenalin pumping more than breaking into the most heavily guarded, high security prison/government facility in the galaxy to rescue a Princess. Sure, it may result in dad's eventual death at the hands of his evil magic cyborg ex-BFF but the important thing is, ~~he'll be dead~~ you'll have had a hoot of a time with an incredibly noble death at the end of it.

7) Or gamble on death races!

If you can't think of a Princess worth saving, or believe that a modern day Princess should be quite capable of rescuing herself, thank you very much, but still crave that adrenalin fix, why not sign your kid up for an incredibly high-speed, potentially deadly pod race? Make it more thrilling by gambling heavily and irresponsibly on the outcome, but make sure you use your magic powers to cheat if you possibly can! Don't be alarmed: all of morally reprehensible stuff is OKAY because you're A GOOD GUY.

6) Become One with the Force

We see some of you sad sacks sobbing away as you read this going, "But my dad died, how am I supposed to celebrate Father's Day?" Well cheer up, because we've got news for you: your dad isn't dead, he just became one with the Force. He never left your side. Which means he's watching you right now. He's ALWAYS been watching you. And yes, that means he was watching you last night when you got home from work late and decided to have some alone time on that special website you don't tell your wife about. Think about how much fun you'll have now, doing EVERYTHING TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

5) Confront your issues

There's no greater gift than the gift of forgiveness, except maybe the gift of a giant planet-destroying laser, or at least some kind of huge walking armoured behemoth capable of crushing your enemies underfoot like twigs. Okay, so the forgiveness thing maybe isn't "Top 5" gift material, but it's still right up there. One thing people don't do in the Star Wars universe is avoid their problems. Have an issue with your former best friend/father figure turning against you and trying to steal your incredibly hot forbidden wife? Talk it out. Don't let it fester and turn you into that douchey passive aggressive person. Calmly discuss your issues and move on, which in our galaxy means "Grab a lightsaber and attack one another in a no-holds barred battle to the death, until one of you moves on... to another plane of existence".

4) Visit Hives of Scum and Villainy

Obi-Wan and Luke's visit to that cantina in Mos Eisley taught us that visiting seedy bars is a super way for a father figure and his impressionable young ward to spend some quality time together. Whether you're making friends with smugglers, getting drunk with angry space bears, cutting off the arms of people trying to make friendly chatter, or just watching your new mate casually pre-emptively murder aliens, a great time will be had by all. Well, apart from the people you sent to the hospital and/or morgue.

3) Execute Order 66

If you want a healthy father/son relationship, it's essential to share hobbies that you both enjoy. Things like baseball and video games give you something to bond over, as well as something to talk about instead of doing scary stuff like sharing your actual feelings. They also help your child learn valuable lessons like, "Teamwork, yay!" and, "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well." And if that hobby happens to be the total elimination of an entire order of magical peacekeeping space monks, so be it. At least it has less of a social stigma than making model trains.

2) Build a Death Star

If sharing hobbies can bring a father and son closer together, having a project can be the ultimate bonding experience. Yes, there will be frustrations and times where things don't go to plan, but that all pales compared to the joy of achieving a goal you've been working towards for years. If you think that building a tree house together makes for some great memories, imagine the laughs you'll share looking back on your 20+ year, $15.6 septillion building project that involved draining the natural resources, and utilising the slave labour, of hundreds of worlds.

1) Rule the Galaxy as Father and Son

Cost of building a Death Star: $15.6 septillion. Supporting the infrastructure required to ruthlessly oppress an entire galaxy: $835 septillion. Running the family business together: Priceless.

Hoth Battle Kiss

2011-06-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

Long, long ago before the Vancouver Riot kiss became the kiss seen around the world, the so-called "Hoth Battle Kiss" took the Galaxy Far Away by storm. Also called "Forbidden Love Among the Ruins" by many, the photo captures an iconic, and very, very wrong moment in Rebel history.

An Open Letter to Beloved Academy Award Winning Hollywood Actress Natalie Portman

2011-06-15T13:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Natalie Portman,

Our warmest congratulations to you on the birth of your son. You've begun the journey of a lifetime, filled with laughter, love, crazy highs and even a few terrifying lows. And to show you just how much everyone here in the Galactic Empire cares, we decided to write you with some parenting tips to help guide you through it all.

You seem like an incredibly intelligent young lady. We read you have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology from Harvard University. Good for you, Natalie. And you did that all while undertaking an incredibly successful acting career? Wow. What an achievement. Your son should follow in your footsteps. Immerse him in the world of books and academia, or even, if you must, let him act. But keep him safe, Natalie. If he ever seems interested in adrenalin-fueled activities, or, say, expresses a desire to be some kind of space fighter pilot, just say no. But in a really motherly way that doesn't make him want to rebel against you and do it anyway (this is where that psychology degree will come in very handy).

Give him freedom (Yes, it's a balancing act, but if anyone can manage it, it's the Academy Award winning actress who gave a tour de force performance in Black Swan). If he wants to go to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters, let him. Where's the harm in that? It might even prevent him from keeping out of trouble/meeting a stalkery old hobo who will guide him down a path that will lead to the tragic deaths of his caretakers (i.e. you) by rogue Sand People, and the eventual explosion of some 1.3 million government employees.

Encourage him to make friends. We're sure you'll agree that good friends last a lifetime. But help him steer clear of making friends with the wrong people. Sure, that lovably ragtag, yet pluckily rebellious bunch of kids might seem cute at first, but it's scientifically proven that they'll grow up to be douchy space pirates, stroppy princesses and aggressive bears who cheat at board games. Are those really the sort of friends you want for your beloved son? We didn't think so.

This is a sensitive subject, Natalie, but we need to talk to you about Magic powers. Does the idea of your son moving things with the power of his mind, or enslaving lesser people's minds to his will sound good? Well it's not. He'll never get out of bed to do his chores, he'll always win at Jenga and you'll always end up eating whatever he wants for dinner. Think about what an insufferable jerk this kid will turn out to be. That's not the Natalie Portman way. Plus, he'll be trained by strange cave-dwelling old magicians who lie about everything and crazy old swamp goblins who can't even string a grammatically correct sentence together. And that's definitely not the Natalie Portman way.

You are incredibly beautiful but we're sure you'll agree, the most beautiful thing of all is a great personality. Teach him to love and value other people, no matter what walk of life they're from, be it black, white, or planet destroying Sith Lord. Help him to understand that violence is never the answer and war, be it of the Star variety or otherwise, only begets more war.

So if he wants to go bullseye womp rats in his T-16 back home, say "No womp rat bullseyeing for you today, sonny Jim. Think of the poor womp rat family that will be devastated by the loss of Mr. Womp Rat when he doesn't come home from work. Mrs. Womp Rat will be totally inconsolable and never quite the same again and the children will grow up without a male role model, leading to lifetime of substance abuse, making a living on the Womp Rat pole. Do you really want that hanging over your head for the rest of your life? DO YOU?!"

And if he ever has a sister, watch those two Natalie. Watch them like a hawk with cybernetically enhanced vison wearing binoculars watches that sexy lady hawk undressing several city blocks away through her window. Never, ever separate them for an extended period of time during which you neglect to constantly remind them that they are brother and sister, because terrible things will happen. Dark, terrible, unnatural things. Trust us Natalie, you don't want the specifics. Just take our word for it.

Good luck to you, Natalie. May the Force be with you and your newborn son.

Yours admiringly,
The Death Star PR Team.

P.S. Thank you for not having twins... or is that EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT US TO THINK?

Passive Aggressive Post-it Notes 1

2011-06-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

When you work for Darth Vader, the only thing worse than the constant Force chokes and lightsaber-related workplace "incidents" are the passive aggressive Post-it notes he's always leaving around the office.

Here's today's:

Art by the incomparable Max Harris.