In the September-October issue of your in-house acquisition magazine, Defense AT&L, in an article entitled "Don't Come to the Dark Side: Acquisition Lessons From A Galaxy Far, Far Away", Air Force Lt. Col. Dan Ward took the time to explain why building Death Stars is a "bad idea".
You know what else is a bad idea, Lt. Dan? Having the same name as that guy with no legs from Forrest Gump. And getting the people who own the largest laser in the universe angry at you. Prepare to witness the firepower of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL letter of rebuttal.
In your introductory paragraph you said that, "any enormous project that is brain-meltingly complex, ravenously consumes resources, and aims to deliver an Undefeatable Ultimate Weapon is [...] not a good thing." Isn't it, The Pentathlon? Isn't it? What's so complex about a 160km-across superlaser powered by a gigantic hypermatter reactor and equipped with 123 hyperdrive field generators tied into a navigational field matrix? Maybe we should have just built a giant outerspace slingshot instead. Would that have been simple enough for you, the Pentathlon? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a forked stick and rubber band that big? No, of course you don't. What a ridiculous suggestion.
And yes, you're right, the Death Star does ravenously consume resources. But only the resources of incredibly evil planets where they weren't really doing anything good with them anyway. It's an absolute TRAVESTY how many planets are out there just floating in space, totally utopian and idyllic and untouched by the hand of progress/strip mining and deforestation. You know what? Not on our watch. We say progress for EVERYBODY! Because we care. Not like you. How many countries have YOU "helped"/ruthlessly invaded in order to steal their natural resources for yourselves. Hardly ANY. Amateur.
Next you brought up the Death Star's "operational shortcomings" and, surprise, surprise, the whole "critical vulnerability" in our unprotected exhaust port. Well excuuuuse us, Mr. Perfectagon. Does it offend your precious sensibilities that we have one teensy little flaw? Maybe if you bothered to look a little closer, you'd see that we've got a lot of great things going on too, like our cantina's famous Penne Arrabiata. Didn't Mrs. Perfectagon ever teach you not to judge a monolithic death laser by its ominous gunmetal grey cover? It sure sounds to us like SOMEBODY had a pretty tough time as a baby Pentagon. You probably didn't even get to do fun stuff like play video games or eat chocolate because you're a building and don't have hands, or taste buds.
Anyway, like YOU'RE so amazing. We took a look at some of YOUR operational shortcomings, Mr. Perfectagon. We even made it into a LIST to make it really simple for you. You:
Are made of bricks. Nice impenetrable defensive system!
Don't have any shield generators on nearby forest moons.
Can't reach lightspeed.
Can't even FLY AT ALL. LAME.
House no planet destroying superlasers, or even a single turbolaser battery.
Can't disguise yourself as a small moon.
Checkmate, the Pentagram. Death Star 1 Pentameter 0. Except you didn't even know you were playing the game, which makes it DOUBLE SPACE CHECKMATE. Death Star 4 Pentacle -7.
You go on to mention that the Death Star only fired its main weapon once as if that's some kind of a bad thing. Do you know what that means, The Octagon? It means the Death Star has hit absolutely everything it's fired at. That's a 100% accuracy rate, my feckless five-sided friend. That's better than any weapon YOU'VE ever invented, planet destroying or otherwise. In fact, that probably makes it the greatest weapon ever created in the history of everything. Ever. Not to mention the fact that a VAST majority of other evil supergenius' doomsday weapons never even get to fire at all, which makes us WAY ahead of the curve.
Then there's the whole suggesting that Darth Vader is a "bad" project manager because he's "evil" and a "murderous tyrant who demanded obedience". Wow, The Pentathlete. Really? Darth Vader isn't "evil", he's a Sith Lord. It's part of his RELIGIOUS BELIEFS to Force choke the occasional a-hole. Haven't you ever heard of freedom of religion? Probably not because you're a BUILDING. Also, you can't be a "murderer" if the murderees really deserved it. It's called Self-Defence From Extreme Stupidity and Incompetence. It's a complex legal thing that you probably wouldn't understand.
Finally, the Pentagon, we take issue with your suggestion that Astromech droids like R2-D2 are a "better" investment than the Death Star because building a moon-sized death laser is "unaffordable" and "impractical". Really? If Death Stars are SO unaffordable, then how come we built TWO? And the second one was EVEN BIGGER AND COOLER AND TOTALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE BECAUSE IT HAS A SHIELD NOW. BOOM! We just Alderaaned your mind, didn't we, the Pentahlon?
Did you even see R2-D2 in that swamp on Dagobah? He was as useless as pants on a Wookiee. And Artoo might have somehow lucked his way through many Star Wars, but did you ever stop to notice how many other Astromech droids get totally blown to pieces in every second scene? BANTHALOADS.
Are you trying to tell us that, given the choice, you'd REALLY rather have a few R2-D2's than your very own Death Star hovering up in the night sky, ready to shine the Green Light of Justice and Freedom/Planetary Destruction down on your enemies?
We didn't think so, the Pentagon, we didn't think so.
Loyal Sithizens, the Death Star PR team needs your help.
We have just FIVE days left in our "Death Star PR" webseries fundraising campaign. It's highly unlikely that we'll reach our target, but every donation, whether it be $2 or $200, will make a huge difference to the quality of the product you'll see on the web in November.
There are perks for each level of contribution, including personalised thank you letters, signed copies of the script, production stills and copies of the entire season on DVD, to name but a few.
So please, if you're a fan of the DSPR team, or Star Wars, or even just a fan of not having your planet destroyed by a vengeful laser death moon, contribute today. And make sure and tell all of your friends to do the same.
As the galaxy's most famous war hero, it's no surprise that everyone thinks they know Darth Vader. But you don't. He's not your super fun cyborg boss and bestest friend EVER, like he is ours. (Boss, if you're reading this, we had a hilariously great time playing "Hide and Seek" around the office yesterday, particularly the bit where we cowered in fear under our desks until you went away. Good times!)
But the truth is Galaxy, you don't know the real Darth Vader. For instance, did you know that:
1. He writes a LOT of love poetry about Padmé. And cries when he reads it. Which is often.
2. He's terrible with new technology. Every time he gets an armour upgrade it takes him months to learn which button on his chestplate switches the VCR on.
3. The only thing the boss loves more than horrible love poetry is screaming, "NNNNNOOOOOO!!!" and throwing things down reactor shafts. But not just Emperors. All sorts of things:
To help raise awareness for the campaign, SU2C's huge roster of celebrity ambassadors, including Samuel L. Jackson, comedians Zach Galifianakis, Ed Helms, Seth Rogen, Ken Jeong, Andy Samberg and the delightful Emma Stone, have made a Star Wars tribute video:
Now, we don't know about being good (actually, we do - you feel all nice and mushy and non-hatey inside, it's disgusting), but we DO love and strongly encourage the blasting of things.
Now you too can suffer from heat exhaustion as you wander the overly sunny streets of Mos Eisley looking for droids in full body armour, take a ride on Jabba's Sail Barge (no, not THAT kind of ride, you filthy degenerate. Okay, wait, apparently THAT kind of ride is available too, carry on), or just spend a weekend unwinding by killing a few tribes of Sand People.
Of course, the main reason why this discovery is so exciting is because it proves scientifically beyond any shadow of a doubt that ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING IN STAR WARS IS 100% FACTUAL.
Lightsabers, cocky space pirates, kleptomaniacal swamp-dwelling grammatically incorrect goblins, dashingly handsome cape-wearing Sith Lords and, of course, the Death Star.
"But just because one thing turned out to be real doesn't mean it's all real!" we hear you protest. Of COURSE it is. That's how SCIENCE works, fictional protestor. Don't you know anything? Maybe you should look it up some time in a book on SCIENCE.
Still not convinced? Then put a plastic drop cloth whatever you're sitting on and prepare to have your mind blown, because NASA also found the Death Star.
The "Death Star" galaxy is firing jets of lethal radiation and X-rays at its neighbouring galaxy from the massive black hole at its centre. Assumedly because the apparently "peaceful" neighbouring galaxy is harbouring known terrorists and really, really deserves to be bombarded with cosmic rays of death.
So it's all 100% real. ALL of it. Which means we'll see you next Tuesday. You're good for planetary destruction at around 4pm, right?
In an effort to get on the good side of the Dark Side, the folks at Crave, the social marketplace for fans of anything collectible, have given the PR Team an awesome Star Wars Original Trilogy Collection Boba Fett 12" Action Figure to give away to one of our lucky fans.
But because we're evil, we're going to make you work for it.
Tell us your best "Boba Fett Fact" in the style of "Chuck Norris Facts", e.g.
Boba Fett's jetpack doesn't run on fuel. It is fueled entirely by Boba Fett's own awesomeness.
Boba Fett didn't escape from the Sarlaac. The Sarlaac escaped from him.
Only entries left in the comments of this post will be considered. Limit of THREE "facts" per person. Entries will be judged by DSPR and Crave.
Originality is key - if you just replace Chuck's name with Boba Fett's on some recycled facts, you won't win. And you'll also probably also receive a jetpack-powered roundhouse kick for your troubles.
Entries close Wednesday 21st September 2011, 7am AEST.
George Lucas has been receiving a lot of negative press for the incredibly minor changes he's made to the Star Wars saga for the upcoming Blu-Ray release.
So much, in fact, that he's personally asked the PR Team to issue the following statement to all Star Wars fans on his behalf:
Dear Star Wars Fans,
It's come to my attention that a small number of you are unhappy with several of the amazing improvements I've made to Star Wars for the Blu-Ray release.
Your concerns are valid and special and incredibly unique, like an original cut of one of my movies on Blu-Ray. Rest assured that those concerns are important to me. This is because I only recently used a small amount of my tremendous personal wealth to build a machine that converts criticism of my movies and fanboy tears into thick, lustrous facial hair.
Let me say, though, that I firmly believe the changes I have made absolutely improve my films. I mean, I've even added dialogue to scenes where there wasn't any! Also, let's be honest, they are my films. I don't complain when you go to the shops and buy something that wasn't originally on your shopping list, do I? Because it's YOUR shopping list. And because I haven't personally been to the shops in 20 years. I have people for that.
Quite a few critics, such as the so-called "fans" at SaveStarWars.com have drawn attention to a speech I gave to Congress in 1988 in which I denounced the altering of films. In that speech, I said, "People who alter or destroy works of art and our cultural heritage for profit or as an exercise of power are barbarians."
What have I ever personally done to these Fan Solo's besides create the greatest film series of all time? Nothing. I've given them my all and they've thrown it back in my face. They've hurt my feelings. And they most definitely shot first.
Of course, these naysayers fail to understand that my speech in 1988 did not live up to my true vision for my speech to congress. Speech FX technology in 1988 was simply incapable of providing me with more than 25-30% of the ideal version of my speech. Subsequent re-releases and Special Editions have enhanced the speech so that the line should actually read:
"People who alter works of art for profit, or to put in some really cool and totally necessary special effects, like an extra three CGI Jawas here and there, are awesome. They are like powerful barbarians who exercise, like my personal friend Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie "Kindergarten Cop"." -George Lucas, Revenge of the Speech, 23rd Anniversary Special Edition.
It may interest you to know that my 1988 speech was not actually my first speech to Congress but the fourth. I can exclusively reveal to you now that the prequel speeches have entered pre-production and will begin shooting as soon as I find an incredibly annoying kid to deliver a young me's speech in Episode I.
Perhaps you're worried that there will be continuity errors between the original speech and the prequels. Fear not, friends. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. A wise man with a fantastic beard once wrote that (I'm talking about me. Sorry, I haven't been using enough badly acted expository dialogue).
Nobody loves Star Wars more than me. It is that love which drives me to constantly improve the original films. Because as the saying goes, if you love someone, you need to set them free. By changing them a lot.
I ask only that you give the Blu-Ray version a chance. By buying several copies of it. I am currently in the process of purchasing a small private island off the coast of Jamaica, which I intend to fill with memorabilia of my favourite character of all time, Jar Jar Binks. He's funny because he has big ears and speaks funny and steps in doodoo. Teehee! Doodoo! Once I have all of the money you will inevitably spend purchasing the Star Wars re-re-releases, "JarJarmaica" will become a reality.
Yours special editionally,
P.S. This letter is the original version of this letter. Rest assured that an extended special edition 3D version of this letter will be made available in 15 years.